- 5 years ago
DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for almost 2. When I was 19 (we had been together 2 years at that point) I met an ex-boyfriend from high school and we ended up kissing. I felt horrible and sick and disgusted about it, and decided not to tell DH (BF at the time). However, I did write about it in my journal for some stupid reason. DH and I didn’t live together, I was in a college dorm, he didn’t even know I had a journal so I guess I felt comfortable writing about it.
2 years later we were moving in together and while unpacking he came across my old journals. I wasn’t home so he decided to read them. He read the part about kissing my ex and it was a horrible couple of weeks after that. I didn’t know how he would ever trust me again. But I came clean about everything, and the ex and I had no further contact at ALL, so DH and I were able to move on with our lives. Nothing else was ever said about that incident until a few months after we got married.
Since then, he has brought up things that I wrote in my journals several times. It really makes me angry because I don’t think that he should have ever gotten to read my private thoughts, and especially hold them over my head for years to come. The things he brings up were mostly doubts I was having about our relationship, but I was 19/20 at the time. I am 25 now. I know this sounds cliche but I am a COMPLETELY different person than I was when I was 19, so I don’t think it’s fair to continue to hold those things against me.
But on to the point of this post…2 months ago he brought up my ex again. He said he just started thinking about it again and can’t stop. DH said that it crosses his mind that I could have been talking to/seeing my ex this entire time and he’s just been in the dark. That is incredibly hurtful to me that he would insinuate that I could have been cheating on him all of this time. But then again, it’s my fault that he feels that way so I feel like I don’t have the right to be upset.
He has since admitted to checking my browser history, my emails, and searched my computer for the ex’s name. I was so hurt and angry, and in the midst of this he THEN asked to read all of my Facebook messages. There is nothing in them so I let him but I kind of regret giving in because I have done NOTHING wrong…and he is still rather upset that I won’t give him my Facebook password because he says it seems like I am being secretive. I just don’t think I should have to give him my password. That is seriously the only thing that he does not have access to.
He calls me constantly, wondering where I am. He has come home from work early, unnanounced multiple times in the past month. I can’t look at my phone in front of him without him asking me what I’m doing. I can’t use the computer at home without him coming in the room and looking over my shoulder. A few days ago I ordered his Valentine’s Day gift and cleared my history from that day so he wouldn’t see the website I had been on. HE NOTICED THAT I HAD CLEARED MY HISTORY! I was then forced to tell him why I did that.
This morning he called me from work wanting to know who a specific phone number belonged to…he had checked my texts on our bill and was convinced that a number I had texted a lot was my ex. The number belonged to a friend of mine that DH knows, and he admitted he felt like a fool once he found that out…but I am so hurt that he is doing this. You check text records when you’re trying to catch your spouse cheating.
This is going to tear us apart. If this had started before we got married, I would not have gone through with the wedding. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do anything differently because I’m doing nothing wrong. I never go anywhere without him, I’m home all the time, I don’t even have friends. I don’t know what else I can do. He keeps apologizing and saying that he knows he is wrong, but it just keeps getting worse and I can’t live like this. It’s driving me crazy. I know it’s my fault he’s like this but how long do I have to keep paying for something I did when I was 19?