Post # 1
Background: My husband nearly married his HS sweetheart (we’ll call her Jane). They got engaged just after they graduated but it fell through and she ended up going to school out of state.
Even before we got engaged my husband introduced me to her parents who he was VERY close to. I can understand this, as I feel very welcome in their home and they always invite people up there for holidays. DH own father passed away while his mother usually spends her free time with his ex’s parents.
I’ve grown to love these people despite the strange circumstances. Their daughter Jane travels a great deal and very rarely comes home. (I’ve only met her once and that was when DH and I were just engaged).
Acording to hubby, he and Jane never ‘actually’ had sex and had a very ‘dull’ relationship. I’m not sure about this but try and beleive him.
I’ve known this girls family for the last 6 (almost 7) years and couldn’t help but fall in love with them. They’re very welcoming and treat me like I was apart of their blood family.
Here’s why I’m posting.
Their daughter is back with a FI, which is great because her parents are extatic. DH even shook the guys hand, everybody gets along. Maybe to well.
DH and I have a four year old daughter who worships the ground Jane walks on. She has even begun to call her auntie which is the part that makes me uncomfortable. She’s a nice girl but it’s stuck in my head that she nearly married my husband.
She (according to her family) has been through a lot, both drug and alchoal abuse which she is know clean of.
Am I being irrational? Scratch that- I know I’m being irrational. But it just makes me feel upset when people are already fitting my daughter for this woman’s flowergirl.
Any advice/ similar situations?
Post # 3
@Strawberry90: It was a very long time ago and obviously they both realized that they weren’t a good fit. It doesn’t seem like you have anything to worry about. It seems like they really do think of you guys as family. And if Jane has grown up into a responsible adult, one more great female role model for your daughter is wonderful. I get where you’re coming from and it is a very odd circumstance. If you don’t want your daughter to be Jane’s flower girl (which is perfectly within your right) you better speak up sooner rather than later.
Post # 4
I suggest you stop seeing her as and calling her DH’s ex. She is no longer DH’s ex. It’s been YEARS. They were children. They are now family friends. Let it go. Don’t cause any unnecessary drama, or you’ll be seen as the crazy jealous wife that can’t get over the past.
Post # 5
@Strawberry90: If you’ve only met Jane once, why does your DD love her so much?
Post # 6
Me and FI (a female) live with my ex-husband. Just because we didn’t work out as husband and wife, doesn’t mean we aren’t great friends. FI has been around since my youngest daughter was one, so she doesn’t know any different and my oldest was 4, so more than half of her life. It’s weird, but his family considers FI family and both mine and her’s feel the same way about ex-husband.
Post # 7
@paula1248: I’m curious about that, too. How can your daughter idolize her if you’ve only met her once and she’s rarely around?
Either way, I would have never been comfortable with this whole situation to begin with. It’s a little too late though. You’re all practically family.
Post # 9
@paula1248: ?I’m not sure I understand. I met Jane before my daughter was born. It was just over Christmas and she was home only for a few days. My daughter met her for the first time when she just got back (about 2 weeks ago). I’m not sure why my daughter admires her so much, Jane never makes an effort to speak with her/ go out of her way to see my daughter.
Post # 10
@Strawberry90: Kids get these weird attractions. It will pass.
As for the situation, I agree with you that’s it’s a little weird. My husband is also close to the parents of one of his exes (sort of parent figures to him), though we don’t see them much now; and I’ve only met the ex once. We’ve got no reason to meet the ex at the same time. The parents are our friends, the ex (nice girl that she seems to be) is not.
I think you should talk about your feelings to your DH and explain you’re not comfortable visiting when the ex is there. It doesn’t matter if he think it’s all ok. Your feelings come ahead of his friendship with his ex.
EDIT: And I think it’s fine to decline the flower girl plans. That’s a sure fire way for your daughter to become more attached to Jane. It’s a tension you guys don’t need. And if Jane’s upset that she can’t have her prefered flower girl, well that’s not your problem.
Post # 11
I know it’s just a TV show, but what about HIMYM and ‘Aunt Robyn’.
Yes they were engaged – when they were kids. She’s hardly ever around… and she’s marrying someone else. Why is it making you uncomfortable??
Post # 12
@Miss Jackrabbit: Because they still, after all these years, seem like the best of friends. I know it’s silly but I feel like a third wheel when they start laughing about old stories or talking about something that happened in school a decade ago. I know she loves her FI, but I’m still feeling anxious around this whole situation.
Post # 13
@Strawberry90: So your H actually likes nd respects his ex? Shouldn’t this give you comfort that he is a good guy and that she is a good person since he likes and respects her?
Would you rather a H that talks smack and disrespects the women from his past?
They are friends, close friends. As teenagers they probably confused friendship for relationship beause society told them that was the appropriate thing.
Let it go.
And kids love people who don’t fall all over them.
Post # 14
+1 to all of the above.
I think it’s lovely to have an extended family like that! I understand why you’re uncomfortable, but kids love new people and then forget about them soon after. I doubt she will ever be as close or your daughter will love her so much as you’re afraid of so I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
Post # 15
To be honest I would feel uncomfortable in your position too. I could understand how your daughter calling this woman auntie would be upsetting. Sometimes I think my own sister gets ‘jealous’ of how close my Niece and I are though she knows how much I love both of them . I was in a similar situation w my exes parents. i recently fkind out his father would frequently talk about me to his son, even in front of his gf now wife and would occadsiobally call her by my name. His mom on the other hand is not my biggest fan since I was ome who ended the relationship. My ex and I dated like 10 years ago and are now close friends but live 6 hours away so mostly communicate via phone. I am also friends w his wife.
My mil still communicates w my husbands exes and sometimes I get jealous. She has pics if them on her fridge as well as their kids pics so I’ve just learned to deal. Her friendship w them has nothing to do w DH’s feelings for them . TBH, I just try not to think about it .
Post # 16
We had a similar dynamic to FI’s ex’s parents. Lovely people who were very welcoming and actually protective of me- I remember his ex’s mum yelling at ex’s friend (who I’d never even met) for saying I was a slut, or some such nonsense.. FI’s ex and I tolerated each other at first, until she started spreading rumours about me, and he pretty much hated her (she cheated on him with his brother, and then was rude to me so..). The whole dynamic may have been a little weird, BUT they were like his parents for a long time and were really great people. It sounds like it’s the same situation (except the ex in my story was a cow and we eventually lost touch with her family, except one sister whom I still talk to).
I don’t think the dynamic is really anything to be worried about. I can guarantee that if FI and I (god forbid) broke up, he’d still be friends with mum. She’s friends with both my sisters ex’s, who they dated for a few months, and FI and I have been together for nearly 6 years. Mum has also said he’s her best friend. I think that it’s normal to stay in touch with an ex’s parents if you were close with them, and especially so if they were around a lot while you were growing up.
As for your kid calling her ‘Auntie Jane’, I definitely see why that bothers you. How old is your daughter? Is it possible she’s overheard someone else call her ‘Auntie Jane’ and is copying them? Kids pretty much like anyone who is nice to them, I would try not to worry about it too much, I’m sure it’ll pass in time.