- Miss Mochaccino
- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
Recently (or perhaps longer) DH has been lying to me about matters involving his family. Since getting married, there has been some tension between DH’s loyalty to me and his loyalty to his family. He tells me that he feels like his “stuck in the middle” and “just can’t keep everyone happy”, especially when it comes to pressures his mother & sister put on him, and pressures that I put on him. I had had a conversation with DH a few weeks ago about the time, effort, thought, and money that he had spent on his sister’s birthday, and how I felt that my birthday was a last minute thing (it was) and that while I was trying not to compare I did feel jealous of the time, effort, attention, etc. when there was such a big difference between the birthdays. I felt that DH’s explanation was satisfactory and helped me to look at it objectively, I got over it quickly and moved on, the air was clear as far as I was concerned.
When DH was going on an international business flight recently, I asked him if he wanted me to come to the airport to give him a send-off (because I knew his family liked to do this) and he told me no, that would be too hectic, he just wanted to prepare. Later, I picked up his phone to turn off its alarm and (yes, I know this was bad) looked at his texts. I saw that his mom and sis had come to give him a send off, and that he had known they were coming. He never told me about it.
When he came back from the trip, he brought me a few small gifts for our anniversary. I was happy about them and thanked him. Later, I accidentally knocked over a satchel when I was moving things around cleaning, and I saw a bag full of gifts that I had never seen before. Later, when we were visiting his parents, I saw the satchel empty and asked him what had been in it. He was frustrated and defensive, and said it was a leather bag for his sis. He did not mention the other items that had been in the bag. I later learned (again, I looked at his texts, this time deliberately) that his sister had received the other gifts as well. I asked him why he had tried to hide it from me, and he said he had intended to tell me about it later. He never, ever owned up to the other items, which his sis said she had received. Finally, I confronted him on it and said I’d read the text. I am really, really hurt that he has lied to me. I would rather have us deal with things proactively as a couple than take the “secrets and lies” shortcut, and that’s what it seems has been happening. DH finally owned up to it after I told him I’d read the text, and he’s obviously angry that I read his texts. He says he’s resorted to hiding things b/c I just don’t understand his realtionship with his family, but that I really am priority. I know he wants me to think that, and I hope it’s true. I know he’s at least willing to work on it, but the fact that he and his sister have been keeping secrets from me is not good and is evidence of her being top priority above the marriage, in my books.
Any thoughts on how to deal with this? DH’s mixed loyalties has made me insecure at times, and I realize that I could be contributing to the problem. For me, the most difficult part is the feeling (which I’ve had for a while) that DH is hiding things from me with his sister. A lot of her communications with him are designed to make him feel guilty (i.e., “I’m going to the beach but won’t get in the wanter unless my big bother is there” and “now that you’re married I don’t have anyone to go on holiday with, and no, I won’t go with people other than family!”) but she seems to manipulate him successfully which is really tough for me.