DH has been lying to me . . . :-(

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Whoa. That sucks. DH needs to realize that YOU are also his family now. Was he always so attached to them?

Post # 4
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Miss Mochaccino:  I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. He can tell you that you are his priority until the cows come home but he sure isn’t acting like it. I wouldn’t play second to anyone, let alone a mother and sister. Something feels wrong about that. I have three brothers and they love me very much. Never would they choose to have me go to the airport rather than their partners; never would they spend more on me than their partners; and never would they make their partners feel like they come second to our family.

Personally, I would be really pissed and I wouldn’t tolerate it. I feel I will probably stand alone here, but that’s okay. I understand that gifts are not a measure of love, but the effort and thought that he is willing to put forth on his sister and mother that he is not willing to expend on you is concerning. Was he like this before you married him? I think it’s time for him to cut the apron strings and focus on his own family – his wife.

Post # 5
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I think that you should be happy that he is so loyal to his family. After all, they have been there with him for his entire life. So I think you should be more understanding of their close relationship. 

I also think that he should make some adjustments in how he balances his family and marriage. He need to put the marriage first, and start shifting his behavior. I do not think there is anything wrong with buying gifts for his family (unless you guys can’t afford it). But, I do think that he needs to let you know what he’s buying.

Post # 6
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@MrsPanda99:  I completely agree.

@Miss Mochaccino:  You and your husband have created a NEW family.  Together.  Not with each other and his sister and his mom.  It’s very nice and sweet that he cares about his family enough to purchase gifts for them, but it’s *really* weird that he’s buying you “small gifts” and then bringing home a leather tote (AND MORE!) for his sister.

You guys may need to talk to a counselor.  Obviously he wants to be close to his family, and that’s great, but there IS a middle ground here.  Talking to a professional can help you guys see each other’s point of view and come to terms with how to compromise and both feel comfortable.

Post # 7
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You two need to find a good councilor and talk about this. You should be his first priority, and lying like he has is not okay. Best of luck. I hope things get better for you.

Post # 8
1349 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Miss Mochaccino:  How is your relationship with his mom and sister?

I agree, you need better boundaries.  You are his WIFE.  He can love them and honor them too but you need to come first and lying about putting you first (when you feel he isn’t) is completely unacceptable.

Post # 9
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Miss Mochaccino:  As a woman who is super close to her family and has an FH who is super close to his family, I would be angry too! Your husband has truly blurred some boundaries here. He should inform you of purchases and definitely not have them see him off to the airport without you. You need to let him know how you feel and request counseling. What’s going to happen if/when you have kids? Will they come third? Will his neices/nephews be more important than his children? I don’t like it at all. You have to nip it now.

Post # 10
42076 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you have placed him between a rock and a hard place. I think you have put him in a position where he is forced to lie-even if it is a lie of omission. I’m not saying it is right for him to lie, but he may feel that he has no other choice.

I suggest you examine your own feelings to see if you can figure  out why you think he cannot love you all. Just as parents have enough love for any number of children, so too can he love the family who raised him, and his wife.

Post # 11
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Distance is what has helped our relationship in that respect.  Being further away from his family forces him to concentrate on OUR family.  I also use the word family to refer to us a lot, reinforcing the idea that the two of us (and the dog!) are our own new little family. 

He was never that bad, but I still struggle a little with how he’s always looking for things to buy for his mom or his brother and sister in law when we’re on vacation.  Or his best (female) friend and her daughter – who I am also good friends with, but we have a niece, too, what about her?.  AND DUDE I’M RIGHT HERE.  I’ve discussed it calmly with him, and he for real feels like he does enough for me every day, that he doesn’t need to get me little trinkets to show that he loves me.  I guess it’s true that he mows the lawn and rubs my back and makes me dinner, but I’d also like a stupid shot glass, you know?  He also claims that I just buy everything for myself so he feels like he doesn’t need to.

So – maybe your husband feels the same way.  But you two still need to focus on making your family your #1 priority, and if you’re going to purchase gifts for other family members, agree on a budget and include your parents and siblings, too.  Insist on being involved!  “Let me know what you find for your sister so we can pick it out together, but surprise me with something.” 

Post # 12
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

To me it sounds like he really wants to have a relationship with his family but because of tension between you and your feelings towards his family, he has to hide it.  And that is sad.  Having a relationship with his family doesn’t mean he’s more loyal to them.  I don’t have the best of relationships with DH’s side of the family and for the life of me sometimes I don’t understand why he keeps in contact with them after some of the things they have done…but that’s his choice.  The day my husband felt like he had to hide his relationship with his family would be a sad day for me. 

Do you think it’s a possibility he is preferring to be around them right now because you create too much tension with your feelings about the situation?  Heaven knows I’ve had my bad days/weeks/months where I’m sure DH would love nothing more than to pack up and head over to his family’s for a bit until I returned to the nice calm level headed woman that he married.  lol

Post # 13
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Usually I’d focus on how it isn’t right of you to look at his phone without permission. Seriously, stop that. It will undermine your argument (and you’ll come off as jealous, controlling, and snoopy)


However, the fact that his sister gets better treatment than you (and he lied about the airport send off thing) is jsut bizarre. He has got some boundary issues for sure.


No matter what it’s about, there’s never an excuse for lying. And I never EVER want to hear “yeah, but she drove him to it because she wants things he doesn’t want!” That’s BS. If he wants his sister and mom to be there but not you, he needs to have the balls to say so. If he wants to get you tiny little gifts, and save his money for leather purses for his sister, he needs to be able to own that. Why can’t he? Because he knows there’s something weird/wrong about that. Not just because he thinks you won’t like it, but because he knows he can’t justify it.


You guys need to have an open and frank discussion about it.

Post # 14
3476 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

How do you handle finances?  Normally I believe in to each their own style of finances, but if you’re sharing finances, yet he’s splurging and hiding it, that’s not cool.  So maybe set a budget that includes shared savings plus splurge money.  Maybe he’ll decide not to spend as much on his sister when it comes to either he packs a lunch every day or he buys her some gifts.  And talk to a counselor about how you do not feel you are first in his life when he equates gifts with love but doesn’t shower you with gifts then.

Oh, and quit looking at his phone, it doesn’t help matters.

Post # 15
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Where is your husband’s dad? And this sister, is she really young? It almost sounds as if it used to be just him, his mother and his sister, and now that he’s married, they lost “the man of the house”. *?* Could it be a cultural thing?

Post # 16
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@MrsPanda99:  +1

This is so weird..is there more info that you didn’t include? As it stands, it seems that he has an oddly close relatipnship with his sister. I can’t imagine my SO or any married man I know putting his sister so far ahead of his wife in such a lying, sneaky way.

Best of luck getting everything sorted….

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