Post # 1
I’m back for more advice. Please though no down talking DH as he is a great guy and dad, just new to the newborn territory. He is wonderful with my six year old but wasn’t there until she was 18 months. She had colic so I had to learn pstience quick.
Since I was having such a hard time with lack of sleep and being the one to wake up with our three week old every night DH agreed to take over her late night feedings so I could at least get four solid hours of sleep. So he feeds her at one and I’m back up at three with her.
It has worked for the last few nights as a bee recommended but last night not so much. Looks like the neighbors kids got my six tesr old sick who in turn got me and the baby sick. So I just fell asleep and was awakened to the baby crying. DH was getting frustrated. He fed and changed her and she was still upset. I hear him start to say things like “yeah, just cry. Because that’s helpful.” And “come on! Stop crying! What do you want?’
So I got up, told him to take a chill pill and quickly got the baby to fall asleep. He got his feelings hurt by this bwcause the baby has an obvious prefrence to me. I tell him its because he gets so stressed and she can sense it but he doesn’t get it.
I’m not necessarily afraid of him hurting the baby as DH is a very gentle and loving man. I just don’t like the negativity and frustration toward the baby. She has been awake screaming all night and I’m not getting angry. My first child was colic so I get how hard caring for a new born is and how it can wear you ragged and test anyone’s patience.
Since I have so much more patience I think I will only feel comfortable caring for her myself. That can be an issue though as I said before. I have sleep triggered epulepsy and lets face it, having a new born really effects your sleep. Especially on nights like tonight when baby girl is sick and will only sleep in my arms making my total nights sleep two hours broken up.
What would you do? Should I still have him doing this feeding or should I take over myself and if I take control completely how can I manage to get sleep enough to keep me out of the hospital?
Post # 2
Wow that’s tough. I think if you take over 1. You’re putting your health at risk 2. He’s not going to bond and end up leaving most things to you. I think the best thing to do is sit down and have a serious talk with him. Explain it’s only a few months and you do get a full nights sleep back eventually. Sometimes frustration with babies is seeing no ‘rest’ light at the end of the tunnel. Or having to guess what baby wants!! Maybe he just needs to vent and say this is way harder than I thought.
The only way I would take over myself is if I was concerned for baby’s safety, and that’s a relationship reassessment in itself.
Post # 3
I think it’s completely normal that he gets frustrated….it Frau frustrating situation when you’re doing everything you can and it doesn’t work. I think he just needs to learn to hide his frustration and not outwardly show Tito your baby. The only way he can do thatis by continuing the feedings him eventually hell see it’s pointless to get upset just as you have learned to be patientsoWeill he . Good luck
Post # 4
I think it’s fairly normal to get frustrated when you can’t sooth a baby. I gave DH this poem that I found online to read whenever he starts feeling frustrated with DD and it seems to help.
I’m sorry that I make you mad, when I do it makes me sad. I just don’t know how else to say: I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’ve had a bad day. So please be patient and try to see, it’s not so easy being me. Although I’m just a tiny tot, I really do love you a lot!
Post # 5
Is he getting frustrated on a regular basis? Or was it a one time thing? Heck I know when my DH and I were trying to sleep train our twins I got incredibly frustrated to the point when DH’s “shift” started at 2 I just walked into the bedroom and said, “yup I’m done for the night, your turn”. I think I even begged them to stop crying. Normally I’m patient with both but that night seemed to be an off night for me. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was to close my eyes. Perhaps your husband just had an off night like me.
The only thing I can think of is maybe when he gets home in the evening you have him take over (when he isn’t so exhausted from lack of sleep or being woken up) while you take a four nap. I realize that means moving your sleep schedule around but I know taking care of a crying baby when you are wide awake in the daylight opposed to when you are sleepy, its dark, and all you can think is work the next morning makes a world of difference.
Oh! When the boys reached 3-4 weeks old we merged the two night feedings into one and that made a world of difference. So I fed the boys at 11 and then instead of being fed at 2 and 5, we merged those feedings into a 3am feeding. DH takes over that feeding but from what he tells me, they eat at 3 and then fall right back to sleep until 7:30 or 8. I then feed them at 8 and continue to feed them every 3 hours so they know its day time.
Post # 6
Mrslovebug: chop it up to a bad night dear. alao learn to be flexible, although thievish work most nights, there may be some where baby is just inconsolable and you two will have to tag team the issue if you or your husband reach higj levels of frustration. I think talking about it is the way to go, tell him you noticed how frustrated he got and remind him that bedore he reaches thag poin the needs to walk away for a few minutes and if that doesn’t help, wake you to help. Babies seem to sense tension and it has nothing g to so with him of he loses his powers of soothing the baby because he’s just had enough. Crying baby is just crying bit it does effect us very much! Some more than others.
I have twins wins and I have found myself so frustrate. That I can’t take it qnymore and have to wake my husband or call my mother and get help. the verbal stuff doesn’t sound that bad, baby won’t remember it but you both need to start looking out for one another’s sanity.
Post # 7
Maybe I’m naive as I don’t have children but if this is his first time getting frustrated I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I think you should just sit him down and talk about it and then continue letting him do the feedings.
Post # 8
He has to learn just like you did. There will be bad nights where he will lose his cool, but he’s a newbie and needs to bond with baby also. Not to mention you need your sleep for health reasons!!
Post # 9
You and your husband have to be a team in all things baby. There is no “he does this wrong” or “she does this right”. You each have your styles and strengths. If you soothe her more quickly, than on nights she’s fussy, maybe you should do the feeding. That way everyone gets back to sleep quickly with little frustration. If you’re exhausted and need extra rest, than he can take an extra shift on a night when she’s more calm. Same with during the day. If she prefers you for feedings, than he can take over bath time, or changing, or just hold her while you surf Weddingbee for a few minutes of relaxation. Everyone’s job right now is to make everyone else’s life easier.
Flexibility is key in the first few months. You’re in survival mode, and you’re eachother’s best asset. It’s hard, but you’ll get through it and it will get much easier the older she gets.
Post # 10
My DH used to do the late night feeding too and has gotten frustrated with the baby. He knows to bring her to me if she gets to be too much. I know in my heart he would never hurt her but he also isn’t affected by her crying the same way i am. we were at the drug store one day and he stayed in car with baby while i ran in to get him deodorant – i was gone 5-7 minutes because they were super slow at the store. when i got back in the car the baby was screaming her head off. I asked him how long she’d been like that and he said pretty much since i got out of the car. I asked if he got out and picked her up to comfort her, he said “no”. I was pissed at him for not comforting her, he was just fine listening to her cry and saying “come on reagan stop it you are fine”. i explained to him she’s a tiny baby and has no business crying that hard when she’s just tired/lonely/hungry and in need of snuggles. it hasn’t happened since.
Not sure what time you are going to bed but its probably based off of the time your 6 y/o sleeps, yeah? DD now won’t take a bottle from me so we go to bed together around 7:30/8 and after she feeds if she won’t settle i’ll give her to DH while i get some zzz’s. He’ll pop her in the stroller and take her for a walk around the block and bring her in when she’s ready to sleep or needs to eat again. By the I’ve gotten a little bit of sleep and am ready to care for baby again. I’ve pretty much given up on accomplishing anything in the house in the evenings, its all on DH. I do my fair share while the sun is up when baby is taking her short crappy naps but after dark i do nothing so i can get to bed as quickly as possible.
I hope you all feel better soon. I think your DH is a great guy for helping with baby and is just in that adjustment period. Just reassure him that if he can’t settle baby to bring her to you and he can try again next time but that its no big deal to ask for help.
Post # 11
Mrslovebug: Keep letting him do the feedings. I, like you, have been quick to get the baby asleep when DH was trying, but that’s because the baby can sense my husband is tense. DH gets frustrated in the middle of the night because he’s tired and doesn’t know what to do, so he will be like, “OMG why are you crying? Seriously?” BUT he is still very gentle and caring. It’s just his words that are exhasting and stressed.
I still let DH get up. The other night DS cried because he was still hungry, and DH was trying to get him back to sleep with a paci, and DS wouldn’t take it, and DH was getting so frustrated. I said, “He’s probably still hungry.” DH said, “He just ate! 6 ounces!!!” So I said, “If I gave you 6 ounces of a steak, would you still be hungry?” He said, “Yeah, probably.” I said, “And what would happen if I didn’t give you anymore to eat and just told you to go cry about it?” He said, “Well, usually I get shaky and a headache…” I gave him a curt smile and went to go feed our son.
I found giving DH a good example like that has helped him understand to our son is just a baby. He can’t talk, and crying is his way of saying he’s hungry or whatever. I told DH half the time all our son needs after being fed and changed is just a 5 minute cuddle and then he will sleep.
Post # 12
Mrslovebug: I would let him just keep working through it. When I was low on sleep and just at my wits end I would say comments to myself like that too. I distinctly remember one particularly trying night where I just looked at my son and was like “I just dont’ know what you want. I’m trying here but I just am not getting it I guess.” and then I sat down and let him cry for a second while I gave myself a minute to regroup to go try to soothe him again. Sometimes it’s just frustrating.
I think taking over again will rob him of the opportunity to make more of a bond with your baby. The baby is probably more used to you and that’s natural sometimes. So give it some time and let him work it out.
Post # 13
@Cory_loves_this_girl that’s just the sweetest little poem!
@Mrslovebug I understand why you’re upset and I am sorry that it is not going as you would like it but I completely feel for you DH. I do not have children yet and just reading through your post started giving me anxiety. He’s brand new at this and wants to do his best but unfortunately his best just isn’t cutting it. So I can totally see why your DH was just soo frustrated. I would be too honestly!
As PPs have said, I think its super important that you just have a conversation with DH about it all. Reassure him, make him feel like you guys are a part of a team and that even though you totally get where he is coming from there are better ways for him to deal with his emotions/frustations. I also think you should give him some tips very nonchalantly while you two are together with the baby.
Good luck OP! I hope you and your LO feel better soon. 🙂
Post # 14
weddingbliss1028: DH can’t even read the first couple of lines without getting teary eyed!
Post # 15
You are absolutely right, the baby can pick up on the energies of the DH. The baby can’t properly indicate what he/she wants and watching daddy get upset does not help even in the slightest. Babies can try anyones patience, hang in there. If he starts getting too frustrated then he needs to put the baby down and walk away and breathe for a little bit. It happens to all people, mommies and daddies and it doesn’t mean you are a bad parent. You don’t have to be prone to violence to accidentally shake a baby in frustration. It can happen to even the most patient of people and it can happen quickly.