Post # 1
Regular bee going anon. I need your perspective bees; am I overreacting?
Background: DH and have both been married before, we’ve only been married a handful of months. We both had homes with previous spouses(they bought theirs together before they were married) I made a tidy sum from the sale of my previous home, DH had to do a short sale because he bought at the height of the housing bubble and sold before it started to recover.
We’ve been renting the past two years mainly because we don’t know where our jobs are going to take us, so we didn’t want to lock ourselves into anything. renting is killing me. I haven’t rented since I was fresh out of college and I love to fix up a house, paint, refurb countertops and cabinets, I’m a DIY-er. And since we’re renting I can’t do all those things.
So lsat night DH and I were talking about retirement, long term financial goals, debt (the fun stuff! Lol) and I mentioned I would like to start saving more. He said, “What for? We don’t have anything to save for right now.”
I get it that we don’t know where exactly we’re going to live (general area yes, but not specific city or neighborhood) and we don’t have a house in mind right now but it seems like he just totally shut off the idea of buying a house. Why not start saving now? Even if we don’t buy for two years or more, can you ever have enough saved to buy a house?!
So now I start feeling all inadequate like he could buy a house with his ex-girlfriend (they weren’t even married yet!) and make a poor investment (housing in our new area is a much more stable investment than his previous location), yet doesn’t want to make any long term financial plans with me.
Am I reading into it or should I just shut up and start saving money on my own ? I hate feeling like a pusher, forcing people into making decisions they wouldn’t have.
Thanks for reading. It felt better just to type it out..
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Maybe look at house buying from his POV. He got burned on his first foray into home ownership… and quite badly at that. before talking about the money, you two may need to talk about whether he even wants to ever own a home again. Start at the beginning and see where things go from there.
It’s the same for other things. Most people find it hard to save without a reason, so maybe that is where you should start. Retirement-at what age, what medical issues might you anticipate, what lifestyle do you want to live, etc.? Then work with a financial planner to assign a monetary value to those items and work backwards to figure out how much you need to save per year to meet those numbers. The same approach could be used for future travels, car purchases, etc. Get him to dream first, and then you can work on the plan to get there.
Post # 4
I think you’re reading too much into it, in terms of comparing yourself to his relationship with the ex gf. But I do think you need to be concerned that he doesn’t have any financial goals. You don’t need to have a specific item in mind to save money. Do you guys already max out your retirement contributions? Do you have 6 months worth of emergency fund that would cover living expenses if one or both of you were unemployed? And yes, it takes time to save for a down payment. Even if you don’t know where you’ll be yet, it would be nice to have the money ready when you do buy a home in a few yrs. I’m totally with you on this one! You need to sit down with your husband and have a frank, in-depth discussion about your finances, savings goals, etc. and be on the same page.
Post # 5
I don’t think that either of you is “right” in this situation. But I do think it is worth a conversation to talk about what you want out of your money. Long term renting can actually be the right decision for some people. But if a house is important to you, then your guy should be willing to consider it. But you should also consider his point of view. And be more clear about what “saving more” means. Maybe he’s afraid that you’ll never want to go out to eat anymore or cancel season tickets or something that’s important to him. So yeah, I think some more discussion is in order.
From the other perspective, my husband I are both natural “savers” and I’ve recently been trying to make an effort to spend more money on fun things. Not like buying a boat, but byuing tickets to shows or going out for a date night. I’m trying to look at it as an investment in our relationship. But we are able to do that because we are naturally savers and have plenty in savings and retirement. So I don’t really think there are bad financial goals, but it helps to understand the other person’s perspective and then it all comes down to that magic word “compromise”.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@Beebeekayzee: Some people just think about this stuff more than others. My husband is always setting financial goals (but blows through money… that’s another issue altogether!) Whereas I just try to be frugal and build up money, without a specific goal or even much conscious thought to it. I appreciate it when he brings up specific goals – it’s the kickstart I need to be like “Oh right, we should have a PLAN”…
I’d just tell him what you think you both should work towards and ask him what he thinks of it.
As for the comparing with the ex stuff, yes, that’s a little silly. No reason to draw comparisons.
Post # 7
If he’s adverse to the house-buying scenario because of his past experience, maybe you could recast it as simply saving for the future – where the money will eventually go doesn’t have to be predetermined, but the future will bring costs, whether it’s a house, new cars, children, job changes, moving, illness, etc.
I’m more of a saver than DH, but he’s learning quickly. We do automatic transfers from our personal accounts to our savings, and if our joint checking gets really high, I transfer a lump to our savings. The automatic transfer helps because DH doesn’t have to think about saving – it just happens. Maybe that would work for your DH?
I would start saving on your own regardless, but I wouldn’t drop the topic entirely with him. Maybe broach it again, and make it clear that it doesn’t mean pinching every penny – just putting away money that isn’t needed at the moment.
Post # 8
@Beebeekayzee: Interesting issue.
1) Don’t feel like this is about you or the ex girlfriend/wife. It’s not. He was burned on this type of investment in the past and he’s gun shy now. That’s ok.
2) His orientation towards money is not the best. Help him understand that saving now will give you OPTIONS in the future. Whether you decide to buy a house (you are right, you can never save enough) or to amp up your retirement fund (I hope you are already maxing out both of your 401Ks and your IRAs each year if he has the attitude that you don’t have anything to save for), start your own business, buy a new car, take a trip around the world, etc et etc. Sometimes you dont’ know exactly what your saving for, but something will surely come up.
Maybe you need to make the savings goal concrete for him. “We are trying to reach xxxx in net worth” or “we are tring to save enough to put a 25% downpayment on our dream home” or whatever.