DH has no friends, i'm not sure how to help him

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Could you go along with him initially so that he’s more comfortable, and then he could go alone eventually?

Also, maybe look into some counselling…

Post # 3
Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

ChocolateLime:  I’m very much like your husband, I have an incredibly hard time making friends unless I’m forced to be around them all the time until eventually it just happens, like at work or school. I’d have a hard time making friends at a club-type thing, especially if everybody else already knew eachother. So, I don’t have a ton of suggestions, other than maybe if your friends have SOs that you could double date with or hang out in a group. I would caution you as well that just going off with your friend and leaving your DH with the SO that he doesn’t know could be extremely uncomfortable for him. I know that one-on-one, I’m extremely shy and I will clam up, but if I have at least some other people that I’m comfortable around that I will be more apt to have a conversation with a stranger. 

Post # 4
Member
7397 posts
Busy Beekeeper

ChocolateLime:  when you moved what was the reason? Because it sounds like the move was more agreeable to you since you say you have encouraged him to join your dads sailing club and that you feel guilty seeing your friends. This suggests to me that your new location is one that has your family and friends on hand but not for your DH. Is that right? Because if it is this might be about more than just having to leave his friends behind.

Post # 5
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

ChocolateLime:  My husband was the same way, and for the same reason (his closest friends live out of state) until he joined his current gym.  You’re in the right track with the hobby thing.  DH has always been a gym person, but where he works out now is more of a strength camp/crossfit atmosphere and is kind of exclusive, so he’s very close with the people there.  Definitely encourage him to explore a hobby that’s team or group oriented and totally separate from your social life together :).  

Post # 6
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

I did a quick search and there are websites geared toward meeting new friends. I didnt look to hard into them, but if he’s socially awkward maybe starting online leading up to a group outing is more his style?  What about exercise groups?

Post # 7
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

 

ChocolateLime:  I feel for you… and him too, but this isn’t your fault and it’s really up to him to fix. Unfortunately he’s closing himself off on new avenues to make friends. He’s got to try or nothing will change for him 🙁 I think pp was right in that maybe you could go with him to get him relaxed but it sounds like he wouldn’t be up for that. No good advice for you, wishing your husband luck getting over this hump.

Post # 8
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

ChocolateLime:  He sounds just like me lol You’re right, he needs a hobby. He may never make friends. Finding something he likes to do with no pressure to socialize is a good start. Once he is passionate enough about the hobby he will naturally meet people who he can easily bond with over the hobby. It has to be something you can start alone though. If he liked football maybe he can start biking or running? Overall, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Hope this is at least a little helpful. Good luck to you both!

Post # 11
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

ChocolateLime:  It’s funny you should say that because I also work in hospitality. Over the years I have learned how to ‘turn it on’ so it always surprises people that I am the loner type. That definitely explains why your DH is thinking you are more social than you really are. I can understand that he doesn’t want to put himself out there. It is very difficult. Especially since he is quite intelligent from what you say. It will be harder for him to connect with people. Not to toot my own horn but I am quite smart myself and honestly (don’t hate me) but I just can’t stand stupid people!

I think cycling is a fantastic idea! It is something he can connect to on his own and with others. So even on days he feels like he wants to keep to himself he can still get the hell out of the house and out of your hair! On days he wants to be social, great- he has an outlet and a way to easily and comfortably do so. If you celebrate Christmas (or any gift giving holidays coming up), get him some sweet cycling gear as a little nudge! Everyone loves awesome gear! And it’ll give him something to brag about to his potential new friends 😉

Post # 12
Member
7397 posts
Busy Beekeeper

ChocolateLime:  From your follow up post it makes me even more sure that this is about the move. It is unfair that he is making you feel guilty but it does sound like he gave up a lot. Whilst he shouldn’t be taking it out on you, it does sound like he regrets the joint decision and is finding the move harder than you think.

Aside from moving again which is probably ridiculous, there isn’t much you can do besides be supportive, encourage him to get out and make sure you communicate how him making you feel guilty actually feels for you.

Post # 14
Member
3200 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

ChocolateLime:  Are any of your friends in relationships? My FI has a hard time making friends, too, which I always find crazy because everyone LOVES him, he’s just shy and never follows up when people want to hang out. He has one friend that he’s had since grade school and his brother (though he doesn’t see as much of him anymore), but what’s been helpful is he’s gotten friendly with the husbands and boyfriends of my friends. Can you do couples outings or double dates at first until he gets more comfortable?

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