Post # 1
Ok so he’s not really a douche but I’m upset. I cooked dinner earlier and didn’t bother to wash dishes right away. DH washed one of the small saucepans I used to make hot chocolate and later went back to wash it. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was washing it so I wouldn’t complain. He didn’t even intend to wash the 3 other things in the sink because he didn’t dirty them. I’m annoyed beyond belief. He sure as heck doesn’t mind eating the things I cook when I dirty those dishes why should he be exempt from washing dishes from time to time? I seriously fought back tears and I may be overreacting but oh well life has sucked lately. I’m bothered by the fact that he was standing at the sink but didn’t think it would be a nice treat for me if he washed the few dishes in the sink. He ended up washing them but I complained a little before he did it. I’m just annoyed and need to vent. He tried sucking up but I’m not to happy with him so it didn’t work.
Post # 3
Argh how frustrating! We have a rule in our house: Whoever cooks, doesn’t do the dishes. That’s the other person’s job. I think that’s the fair way to do it 🙂
Also, right now, my FI is out of town… and I’m currently on the Weddingbee to avoid doing dishes! Lol
Post # 4
@MrsDPal811: It’s ok to be upset. But remember that you are just upset over some dirty dishes, this is not the end of the world.
Now yes, it would have been nice for him to wash them, just like it would be nice if you washed his car secretly in the middle of the night, or sent pizza to his office or any of the hundreds of things a couple can do for each other each day, but doesn’t. There will be times when he will and times when he won’t think about it.
How long have you been living together? Do you have a system worked out for dishes etc? When my BF cooks, the deal is that he cooks, but I do the dishes (or vice versa). However, I know that other people think that if you made it dirty, you should clean it. Both of these systems can certainly work, but it doesn’t work if one person is on one system and the other person is using the other system.
Put this aside for tonight and tomorrow have a calm discussion about how you want to split up dish duty.
Post # 5
DH never does dishes. I tested him once by not touching the dishes for four days and he just kept piling stuff in the sink. We got into a huge fight. I’m over it now, so I just keep the kitchen clean, but ya…I feel you. It’s not a huge issue for us – he does enough around the house that I refuse to do, so I can do the dishes.
Post # 6
Ms.GoodEarth– I wish that was our rule. I’ve tried it and he refuses stating that he works all day and isn’t the one cooking so he shouldn’t have to wash dishes. I’m a SAHM so I cook twice a day or if there are left overs then I cook once a day and I get stuck with dishes all day long. He doesn’t mind using the plates and such when I cook to feed himself so why shouldn’t he get to wash dishes every once in a while. Getting DH to wash dishes is like pulling teeth without novacain.
Post # 7
@Ms.GoodEarth: I think this is the best solution too.
OR, no dishwashing = no sex
Feeling your frustration OP! FI also don’t use his initiative when it comes to doing dishes and cleaning! Grrr!
Post # 8
I make my DH do the dishes but I think he hates them as much as I do so he only does them if I ask him to.
We use a lot of paper plates and plastic forks in this house. lol.
Post # 9
I’m more upset about his reaction to me asking why he wasn’t washing the rest of them and he said because he didn’t want too. Not even if I ask will he wash them but I’m expected to iron his clothes. If I thought the same way he did I would tell him no because I don’t wear the clothes. We’ve been together 8yrs and living together for 3. I do little things here and there just because.
Post # 10
DH doesn’t do dishes. He finds it gross.
I do all the dishes and he puts them away. He also takes out the garbage.
If I asked him to because I was sick or something, he would do them though. Did you ask him?
If he lived with room-mates at a point in his adult life, he might just be stuck in that pattern of “you wash your own dishes” and since you dirtied them… they are your dishes.
Post # 11
lol oh you poor thing…
I can understand your frustration and definitely cannot see how your DH would blame the dirty dishes on YOU because you cooked in them to feed them both… its laughable!
Well at least he did them eventually!
I would have a nice calm talk (maybe tmrw or when you go to bed tonight) about a balance and how a marriage is a life of shared duties and you’re a team.
I like the “one person cooks – the other cleans” idea but that might be too much for him… maybe if you both cooked and both cleaned that would be better as I feel like the cooking is the fun part and the cleaning is the NOT fun part. lol
Post # 12
We have a rule who ever wants a clean plate to eat off cleans.. LOL jokes..
i just usually do it cause its easier and less frustrating for me to do it.. hubby does other chores.. but i always think a kitchen looks cleaner if the dishes are done and if i had to wait for him it would do my head in.. Off on a different track, hubby always leaves an empty toilet roll thinggy in the bathroom even when he changes the roll. i decided to leave them there and wait and see how long it took him to pick them up.. it got up to TEN!!! i had a winge to my mum about it and she said my dad does it too and it takes more effort to winge about it than it does to just pick it up off the floor and visualise hitting him in the head with it.. lol! but honestly boys really just dont get some things.. perhaphs you should do a job he normally does like mowing and only do one strip of grass thhat you walk on.. and then put it back.. 🙂 ha ha anyways boys are dumb sometimes.. but useful too.. sometimes.. lol
Post # 13
I can’t expect my husband to do dishes because he deploys often, so the dishes, the cooking, the laundry and the cleaning is all on me 100% of the time.
I hate doing dishes as much as the nexr person, but sometimes it’s just easier to sigh and do it yourself, or do it the next morning.
Post # 14
@MrsDPal811: This may be a stupid/unhelpful question– but do you have a dishwasher machine? My SO and I used to have problems about dishes because when I cook I make far more dirty dishes than he does, and we didn’t have a dishwasher for the first 1.5 years of us living together. Then we bought a dishwasher, and although we still are messy sometimes, that thing REALLY helps. I definitely suggest getting one if you don’t have one already. We put pots and pans in ours all the time.
That said, this sounds more like a problem of respect, and one person’s work being valued more than the other’s. It sounds to me like he values his job more highly than your job– it just happens that your job is to take care of the home and the children, and his is going out in the world and getting money somehow. They’re equally challenging and tiring, just in different ways, and the rewards are different. I think that @KimmySumShuga: had it right when she suggested having a calm talk about balance and respect in your marriage. I also think that it might be good to outline how each of you can contribute to the home equitably. My SO makes most of the money, and it’s been that way from the beginning until now, and will be for a while because I’m a graduate student, so our agreement is that I do more to take care of the home when I’m here, because he pays for more stuff. For example, I’m the one who cleans the bathroom and the rest of the house most of the time, but we split the dishes. We also split the housecleaning evenly if we are having guests. So– it might really help you guys to discuss how you can split things up, and make sure he knows that you do work hard at home all day.
Post # 15
why don’t you just ask? I mean yeah, if he refuses with the lame excuse he gave you in this case, then complain! 😛
Post # 16
I am totally your DH when it comes to dishes – and honestly, most other cleaning-related chores. It’s part laziness and procrastination, but also partly because I have different standards for cleanliness than my fiance. Sometimes it’s like I literally just don’t think of cleaning or picking something up. It’s not something to be proud of, but it is the way my brain works.
In our premarital counseling, we talked about this a lot and now that I realize how important it is to FI that I am proactive about washing the dishes or not leaving my socks on the floor or cleaning the bathroom sink, I make a real effort to do those things. On his end, he’s learned that it’s okay to ask me to do those things. Before, he would just get mad that I hadn’t loaded the dishwasher in a week, do it himself and then huff about it. Now, he just says, “Honey, can you load the dishes tonight?” and I say, “You got it!” and do it. After I heard him out, it finally clicked for me that doing housework is a way to make him feel loved and cared for, and it clicked for him that I wasn’t just expecting him to do it all or just being straight up lazy, but that I didn’t see dishes in the sink as being a problem in the way that he does – and I got impatient when he complained or acted like a martyr about it instead of just *asking* me for what he needed. We’re still not perfect on this issue, but a serious talk really improved things for both of us.