DH is on his way to an emotional affair…again.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@sofialovesmikey:  Wowza that’s a pretty serious problem. I am so sorry your going through this. I went through something similar. At the end of the day he can say he loves you as much as he want but he isn’t showing it. I would pack a bag and hit the road. I couldn’t be with someone who disrespected me and our marriage that much to spend all day talking to someone else. Couldn’t do it.

Post # 4
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@Bribaby119:  +1, I’m sorry OP I don’t normally jump on the “divorce him” bandwagon but three strikes you’re out!

Post # 5
Member
6866 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds like your husband desperately needs constant attention and enjoys the “chase” a bit too much. It definitely seems like the weekend trip is just a way for him to meetup with her. If they meet up, I would not be surprised if his emotional cheating turned physical when he sees her. Luckily, with the model, he never got the chance to meet her – if he did, do you think he would act on something?

I’m not sure how you should proceed. I guess I would first just come clean and tell him you know the extent of his relationship with the ex, you know he is planning on physically seeing her and using “visiting the parents” as a ruse, and you are worried about your marriage.

Someone that constantly seeks out relationships and exchanges hundreds of messages with people from sun-up til sun-down while in a committed relationship has serious issues. You both need to figure out why he keeps falling into this habit. – I’ve heard some people can get addicted to internet relationships.

Post # 6
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@mchitt329:  +1.

I don’t see him changing. Ever. I would leave and run far far away.

Post # 7
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@sofialovesmikey:  That was quite the novel 😉 

Okay, on to the serious stuff.

Honestly This is NOT a first time incident. And I personally am not okay with cheating of any kind. emotional. physical. sexual. etc etc….If you cheat on me once, in any way. I kick you to the curb.

In your case: All the messages to other women, ESPECIALLY his ex most recently. are HUGE red flags. even if the relationships do not turn sexual. to me, they are still cheating incidents. 

I know your marriage is important to you, I get that. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly… ever. BUT you are not a priority to him. He knows it is wrong, and continues to do it. He is lying to you all the time. You cannot force someone to change…Therapy is the only thing I can think of that would maybe help, but you both have to be willing to put each other and your relationship first. It doesn’t seem he is. Other than that, seperating is the only option in my eyes. 

I would be bluntly honest with DH. Tell him you know about everything. Tell him it is emotional cheating. Tell him how you are not a priority, and how hurt you are. Ask if he even wants to make your relationship work, and if he is willing to go to therapy….You need to come to an agreement together(ie therapy, deleting fb, etc) and set a timeline for yourself, and walk if the agreement is not reached.

I know this is a hard situation. I hope you get everything figured out.

 

This is just my opinion… Not everyone will feel the same way…

Post # 8
Member
6866 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

And I agree… don’t look at what he says look at what his actions say. 

Post # 9
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Leave him before you become entangled with kids, mortgage, etc.  He is not going to change.

Post # 10
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@sofialovesmikey:  are you really surprised he’s doing it again? Either decide to accept it or get a divorce, but give up the charade.

Post # 11
Member
5008 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@sofialovesmikey:  Honestly, I highly doubt he is ever going to stop this behavior. He has done it THREE times, and clearly can’t control himself. Even after you got married, said your vows, he is STILL doing it. And it’s not like it’s the same girl (not that that would be better) but he is finding multiple women to do this with. That is awful.

I would call him out on it. You say that “you can’t leave” but you can. No one is going to look down on you for leaving a CHEATER. I understand it may be embarassing and very upsetting for you because you just got married, but this guy is NOT going to stop. Counseling didn’t help. Getting married didn’t help.

Also – I find it concerning that you know that he has always had feelings for this girl and never got over her. If my FI told me all about his ex and how he wasn’t over her – I would never marry him. How do you know this information?

You need to face the facts. You are worth SO much more than a guy that is busy talking to other women every night. I know it is hard because you love him and just got hitched, but he has absolutely NO respect for your feelings or your marriage. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone like that. No one will think less of you for leaving a CHEATER which is exactly what I would tell everyone when I left his sorry ass and they asked why. 

Post # 12
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

@sofialovesmikey:  I am so sorry you are going through this!  *Hugs*

Honestly, this sounds like addictive behavior.  When did he go to counseling and for how long?  When and why did he stop going?  I think seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction may help illuminate the situation.

It’s strong and good of you to not call it quits on your marriage without trying.  But please don’t feel badly if that’s what you have to end up doing.  I mean obviously, it will be devastating if your marriage ends.  But sometimes you have to choose to take care of yourself, and there’s nothing wrong with that decision.

His behavior is definitely unacceptable.  And it sounds like your relationship has no trust.  These are big issues, and there’s no easy answer.  Emotional affairs can be more difficult than sexual ones to recover from.  I know emotional affairs led to my parents divorcing.  If he doesn’t change, you may need to go that route yourself.  I am so sorry, darling!  You absolutely do not deserve to be treated like this.  Seek professional help and stay strong!  This is awful, but you’re not the only person to ever go through it.  You will survive this.

Post # 13
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

First of all he will have to admit that he’s doing it and that it’s wrong before anything can be healed. Have you tried marriage counseling together? I am reading a lot about all the wrong things he is doing, and it is wrong. But, I don’t see anything about what you should be doing differently. This is not your fault, but both of you will have to make changes in order to heal after these betrayals. Are you sleeping together? Do you cook for him? Do you compliment him and build him up or do you constantly accuse and break him down? Do you look nice for him? Are you doing everything you can to be a shelter for him so when he comes home he is relieved? Again, I am not saying this is your fault, just illustrating that if I were in your position, the first thing I would do is marital counseling and at the same time make sure to up my “game” so to speak. 

Post # 14
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

For me, the biggest issue is that he keeps doing this again and again. I’m not saying cheating is ok AT ALL. But, life is complicated, people do make mistakes, and it sounds like the first time round things sort of snowballed without him realising what was happening. But this is just getting ridiculous now. It doesn’t sound like he is ever going to change 🙁 

Post # 15
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If this man loved you, he would not repeatedly lie and hurt you.  I’m sorry if that is blunt, but you deserve better.

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