DH is resentful that I'm a SAHM. What can I do?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

stayathomebee: You’re in a tough spot. I understand his resentment, esp. on paying student loans if they are for a master’s you’ve taken just to prove something to yourself. You, as a couple, now have debt which means you don’t have as much financial flexibility. 

Did he understand how much debt you had when you got married? I know you want to be a SAHM, but at the same time, you made choices that mean less flexibility so perhaps you can go back to work to pay off your student loans and be a SAHM after?

Can you go back to work part time? That would be a compromise that lets you “stay at home” (which is a 24/7 thing, so not easy!) and work to take some of the pressure off. 

Please figure out a way to work through the resentment, because it could eat away at your relationship over time, which isn’t good for you or your baby. 

Post # 3
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Sorry you’re going through this, but I can understand some of what he’s saying; mainly, the part about having to pay for your student loans.  Would it be possible for you two to get some couples counseling?  I don’t think anyone is right or wrong in this situation, but it sounds like you both had slightly different expectations of each other.  I’m going to be a SAHM and my husband and I had MANY conversations about whether or not he would resent me, but I always make it a point to tell him that he’s an amazing provider and I love the life we have.  I find it troubling that your husband agreed to have you be a SAHM when he admits that he doesn’t have as much respect for them, is this a recent development or did he always feel this way?

Post # 4
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

You say you don’t know what happened and what changed and it’s a complete 180 from him being totally on board with you being a SAHM…but.  Now I obviously don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship but this part sent up a red flag:   “I made it very clear that I wanted to be a SAHM.  He was at first confused why I was in grad school if I wanted to stay home.” That to me does not sound like you were both 100% on board, it sounds like YOU were 100% on board and he later accepted it after some convincing.  There’s a big difference.  Maybe you could research some ways to work from home so you could still be a SAHM but not put all the burden on him?  It wouldn’t have to be much, enough to take him on a few nice dates or a weekend away every now and then, so you can have some extra fun money and not have to give up as much that y’all want to do.  Also maybe you could not have lengthy lunch dates with your friends during the work week (when it’d be impossible for him to do the same, as much as he’d like to)?  I kind of agree with him that that really isn’t fair that you’re lunching while he’s working…

Post # 6
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time.  I understand your husband’s resentment about paying off your student loans for a graduate degree you pursued to prove something to yourself.  How much do you still owe on student loans?

I wonder if it is possible for you to work part-time in your field and use that income to make above minimum payments for your student loans.  That will take some stress off of him and then he’s not paying for the degree, which I feel like (especially since he had a SAHM growing up) is a big part of the resentment, not you staying at home in general.

However, I also think it’s important to stick up for yourself and run the numbers with him.  If you do go back to work, how much will you spend in child care?  How much will he miss coming home to a clean house?  If you are both working, then he’ll have to step up his game in taking care of your home, so make that clear.

My FI and I both want me to stay at home when we have children, but something I’ve pointed out a million times is that when I have an infant at home all day, I won’t be able to get a lot done.  So what I can accomplish while he’s at work is limited, and even though I’ll be home all day, I’ll need some help around the house frequently.  He is understanding of this right now – I hope he still gets it when it actually happens!

Post # 7
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would be resentful to be the only breadwinner too, especially if my spouse had a good education.  Guess that’s why I am a working mom and all my friends are too.  I can really see your DH’s point, because being a breadwinner is extremely stressful.  It’s so much easier with 2 incomes and a fall back job.  I have been the sole breadwinner as a single mom and it SUCKS!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  NavyBee.
Post # 8
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

stayathomebee:  People change so I am not surprised his views are different now. He agreed to something before he really knew what it meant I.E. paying your student loans and ect. 

I have respect for SAHM’s but I have HUGE respect for working moms. Maybe you can compromise and say that you will work from home or set a date for when you will join the working force. How many children do you plan to have? You could probably ask to remain a SAHM until all children are in grade school. This is cheaper since daycare is SO expensive and it is good for children to have easy access to one or both parents when they are young. 

I can only suggest compromise here because having your life long partner resent you isn’t an easy burden to carry. 

If you absolutely can’t imagine being anything other than a SAHM then I suppose you could remain in the marriage and risk the possibility of him giving up on the relationship or you could look for someone who would give you this lifestyle unbegrudgingly. I know that is worst case senario but you can only control your half of the marriage. 

He has told you what would make this better so the ball is in your court. You can toss the ball back by offering a compromise that would allow you to remain a SAMH for a couple of more years. Ultimately I think it will end with you eventually going to work. 

Sorry and HUGS 

Post # 10
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sorry, just read your update.  I would talk to your DH about paying off all your loans.  How much is he paying a month for them?  I think if you offer to remedy the situation he brought up, and talk through the options, some resentment will lessen.  He might still want to save the money for a rainy day, but at least you’ll have had a very real conversation about the options you two have for you to be less of a financial “burden.”

I’m sure you could get a better part-time job than Starbucks.  Perhaps an administrative assistant job?  Look around before you scratch it off and assume it isn’t worth it.

I understand wanting to stay home – I really do! – but you have to find the root of his resentment and show him you are making an effort to remedy the situation.

Post # 11
Member
2885 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

To be honest, that is the same view a lot of people have about SAHMs.  Espeically those with advanced degrees.  It’s a very societal thing.  We are starting to value work more than people. 

First, I think your husband needs a cost break down of what you do in a day.  A house keeper will cost X amount per week to stop by.  Daycare for the baby will cost X amount a week if we are both working.  And then you will probably go out to dinner more if you are working so there is that cost.  And the cost of your lunches every day for work. Fuel for two vehicles. And the cost of having duplicate stuff for DS if you take him to daycare.  A lot of moms who aren’t SAHMs give a lot of their extra income to putting thier kid in day care.

After that, I think your husband needs to know what an actual day for your is like.  That might mean that one day he does what you do with your DS for a day and around the house.  And that is absolutely everything.  Cleaning, changes, making dinner, feeding your DS, bathing your DS, ect.  It’s work, but a lot of people don’t see it that way until they actually experience it.  By the time your DH gets home, he probably sees the results (dinner on the table, picked up house, DS in his PJs ready for bed) and not the effort it took to get those results (the screaming tantrum for an hour when you tried to put the clothes on, trying to cook while DS keeps throwing his cup on the ground, the toys that get everywhere.) 

And if neither of those work, a couple’s counciler is a wonderful thing. 

Post # 12
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I also will say that being a SAHM is a privilege, in my opinion, as it’s only possible when the family can be exclusively supported comfortably by the DH.  Maybe he’s feeling like he’s not making enough money, so he’s feeling a lot of stress in being the sole provider and he needs you to lift some of that stress.  If getting a part-time job is completely out of the question, consider working your budget very carefully and cutting costs so that there is more cushion room for savings and stuff so there is less pressure on him.

Post # 15
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I really think that no one can judge what a SAHM mom does until they do it themselves. I don’t know if he’d go along with it, but maybe he should take a few vacation days and change roles with you. My FI didn’t like how much money I was spending on grocery shopping so I told him to take over… that lasted one, maybe to trips. I know it’s totally not relevant, but just saying that experience is much more valuable than just thinking you know how you would do something better, like working full time. There is also the money issue as others have stated, how much would it actually COST you to go back to work? The fact that you could pay off your student loans right now with no help from him based on your inheritance makes his argument moot. He can’t throw that in your face if HE is the one that said not to pay them off.

Taking care of a home is hard work. Taking care of a home with a full time job is hard work. Taking care of a home with a young child is hard work. Now put the housekeeping, full time job and the child together and you’ve really got a challenge ahead of you. He just sees your life as a playground, not a job. He needs to really understand what you go through all day.

Post # 16
Member
2885 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

stayathomebee:  I think counciling will allow you to help point out that you don’t just “watch your son.”

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors