- 3 years ago
I used this site a lot a couple of years ago when I got married and now I’m back with a new name looking for some advice.
So DH and I have been married a little over 2 years and have an almost 2 year old son. We’ve been together a llittle over 6 years total. We originally met when I was in grad school and we knew pretty early in our relationship that we would get married.
When we first started seriously discussing what we wanted in the future, I made it very clear that I wanted to be a SAHM. He was at first confused as to why I was in grad school if my ultimate goal was to stay home but I told him I wanted the education just to prove to myself that I could do it, plus it was a rather specialized field that I found very interesting. We BOTH decided that when the time came, that I would be a SAHM. The benefits outweighed the stress I would have working and trying to keep a house and raise any children. Plus, both of us had SAHMs growing up and we wanted the same for our kids.
After I graduated, I worked in my field for a rather short amount of time before I found out I was pregnant. I basically quit my job when I went on maternity leave. My son was a very difficult baby, and looking back, I think I had post partum depression. He didn’t start sleeping through the night until he was around 10 months old and I was very stressed and overwhelmed trying to do everything. But, I always had dinner ready when DH got home and the house was always pretty neat. I never asked DH to help with housework but there were days when I would complain that I was exhausted and would just ask little things like to bring the garbage out. He would do them reluctantly. I’m not lying when I say I didn’t enjoy the first year of my son’s life.
After he turned 1, things got so much better! I was finally in a routine with him and he was just a happier kid. I’ve started going back to the gym a couple of days a week, even though I am always called out of my class to attend to him. I’ve been able to meet friends for lunch without having to leave early because he’s having a screaming fit. I am usually back home for the most part to have dinner ready by the time DH gets home, but there have been a few occassions where I’ve been running late because I was out doing things. For example, I was at the park with the baby because it was finally nice outside and started talking to another mom there when I lost all track of time, so I got back late.
Over the last few weeks I noticed that DH had become a little more aloof and quiet, like something was bothering him. When I questioned him he said everything was fine and that he was just stressed about some deadlines at work. Then we were at a friend’s party a couple of weekends ago and I overheard him talking to one of his friends. His friend’s wife had just gone back to work and the guy was talking about how they’re looking for a cleaning lady and ask my DH if we had one. DH laughed and said I stay home so I have time to clean. Then he started going on and on about how all I do is meet with friends and have playdates with our son and how he has so much respect for the other guy’s wife because she is working and taking care of a family.
I felt so defeated! I had no idea that’s what he thought of me, not to mention, he’s completely wrong. After stewing about it for a few days, I said I needed to talk to DH after the baby was asleep. I told him about the conversation I overheard and asked if he really thought if that’s what my days were like. He kind of blew me off and said that I do have it easy because all I have to worry about was taking care of the house and one toddler. I did get him to admit that he really does have a respect for working mothers that he does not have for SAHMs.
I was so sad to hear that. I asked how he was able to do a complete 180 from where we were a few years ago when we, again, both agreed that I would stay home. He said it’s not fair that all the financial responsibilities fall on him. He’s resentful that he’s paying for my student loans. He’s resentful that while we live comfortably, we can’t do a lot of things that he would like to do because we only have one income. He gets really mad when he hears me complain how tired I am or if I had a bad day with the baby. He said I am living a priviledged life and it’s not fair that he has to “carry the load”.
Bees, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how he could have changed his line of thinking so much. I asked what he wanted me to do and his response was “get a real job”. That broke my heart. This is not what we agreed on.
Any words of wisdom or advice? It’s really hard to go through each day knowing that he resents me so much.