DH is upset at his mom right now. :( Anything I can say to him?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

We have similar issues with FI’s parents; they think we spend a lot, but we really don’t.  I think you’ve done everything you can in this situation.  Your DH knows how to handle his mom and will find a way to resolve things when he’s ready.

However, if I were you, I’d still suggest that he close his savings account and reopen one in his name only (or a joint account for the two of you).  He is a married adult and his savings are not his mom’s business anymore.  I think if he removes account access for his mom, some of this tension will alleviate too.

Post # 5
Member
18 posts
Newbee

@jesssamesssa:  

 

+1 to bleusteel

As long as they have access to his account, they will keep being involved. I would try to make your finances your business and not his moms. If it isn’t absolutely necessary, it would be best not to take money from his parents ( especially when there are strings attached). Also how is his mom supposed to know that she shouldn’t say anything when he hasn’t drawn a clear line before? He should do that now but be polite about it as they most likely see it as valid concerns (= see his debt and see you still spending money on things that are not necessary) and if he is very indirect wont even know it bothers him so much. But yeah, I would talk to him but not to them, it is between him and them, no need to be involved. good luck.

Post # 7
Member
4641 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

How is he upset? He’s the one who shares a bank account with his mother. Simply seperating his personal bank account from his mothers would solve the issue.

Post # 9
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

With the exception of owning a family business,  there is absolutely no reason why a grown, married man should still have his Mom on any of his accounts. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he needs to act like one. Doesn’t mean he needs to have an account with your name on it, but the cord needs to be fully cut with his Mom.

Post # 11
Member
4641 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@jesssamesssa:  Sharing a bank account with his mom is not really an adult move. Its not her concern if her grown up son is responsible with money, but he’s put himself in a situation where she feels she can judge.

Post # 12
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@jesssamesssa:  I get why he’s upset, but he’s kind of acting like a child – letting her buy stuff for you, letting her see his bank accounts…

You don’t need to tell your husband he’s being a baby, but have a non-confrontational chat about setting boundaries between the two of you and (both of) your parents.  You guys need to foster an “us against the world” mentality in your relationship.  Talk about being financially independent and keeping your financial information private. 

If your MIL thinks you aren’t saving enough, it’s because she sees behaviour that looks innapropriate or she sees no money in his savings.  You can address the bank account by moving it “Just FYI mom, since we’re married we’re consolidating all our savings together at the same bank and closing our old accounts, that account is gone.”  As for behaviour, maybe she sees you spending more than SHE thinks you should on stuff – which isn’t fair, but is life.  You can either tell her to mind her own beeswax, let her silently judge, or be more discreet with your spending around her.  It’s probably easiest to just slightly modify your behavior.  When you buy something nice out shopping with her “Oh I’ve been saving for this for months, I’m so excited!”  And just making sure you always get the best deal is not only (duh) a good idea but shows that you’re responsible with your money.  Book a trip and find a cheaper room and free stuff to do – pack lunch in a cooler, etc.

As for his relationship with her – you’re right to stay our of it.  Let him vent – ask him what the issue is and talk it out, but try just to steer him into what he really wants to do.  I have to play devil’s advocate with my husband about his mom sometimes (you know – “she is your mother…”)

Post # 14
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@jesssamesssa:  My husband has a joint account with his parents.  They have assets they are trying to protect and distribute to their boys.  I don’t have access to it.  But they also have a specefic purpose – you can only gift so many $$ per year to your children tax free.  That’s what goes in there.  It certainly is not a savings account that they see as somewhere he should be saving his own money.  It is there for him to access in the event of their untimely death or for them to take back if they ever need it.

If that’s his concern then you need to talk to an accountant or estate planning lawyer about setting up something with his parents.  He’ll be sad to find out he can’t just be a joint account holder and take all their money if they croak.  🙂

If he feels like he owes her something, make a list and agree with her what you owe her.  Explain that you want to start off your married life as debt-free as possible and that starts with identifying them and making a plan to pay them.  Even if it’s just a sheet of paper list what you owe her and the terms you agree to pay it and sign it.  It’ll be awkward but you’ll all feel better in the end.  You can send her a check every month for $300 and be done with it in a year if that’s what it takes.  Our bank even lets you do direct transfers to different (non-shared!) accounts, you can probably do the same. 

Then – stop letting her pay for stuff!

Post # 15
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I guess I can understand it if his parents are ultra-wealthy and they move money over for him, but if they’re regular people, I can’t imagine my MIL having access to my DH’s accounts!

 

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