(Closed) DH keeps suggesting we give his mom some of our gifts :/

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Since the gifts were given to both of you, you both have a say in what is done with them.  Since you have valid reasons for wanting to keep the gifts (except for the spa thing), you should say to your husband, “Darling, I would really like to keep this set of pots and pans.  I love to cook and your mom has told me she does not like it that much.  They’ll really come in handy to make delicious meals.  Also, our living room is not furnished.  Doesn’t it make sense to hang on to this side table until we know what we want in the living room?”

 

I’d give her the spa thing.   Also, what is the reason he wants to give her things?  Do his parents not have a lot?  Or does he think, “It would be nice if I gave my mom something”?  If the latter is the case, are there gifts that you do NOT like that you would like to give away?  And…are you bothered that he wants to give things to his mom?

Post # 4
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Why would he even think it’s okay to give your all’s wedding gifts to his mother?  That makes absolutely no sense.  He needs to cut those apron strings immediately.

Post # 5
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I dont think he has any right to give gifts given to the two of you away. The only exception being if you planned on giving a Thank you gift to them and want to regift one of yours instead of getting something else. But you have to agree together. 

 

Post # 6
Member
1014 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’d probably just explain to DH that those who gave us the gifts would want them to be enjoyed and loved by US, and not REGIFTED!  Furthermore, if I found out a wedding gift I purchased had been regifted to their parents, I’d probably be slightly annoyed, and think they either didn’t like or appreciate the gift.  Maybe he wants to thank his parents for their help with the wedding?  If so, go out and buy them a NEW gift to show your appreciation… maybe a nice gift certificate to one of their favorite restaurants.  You guys get to show your appreciation, and your MIL doesn’t have to cook!  WIN WIN!  🙂

Post # 7
Member
763 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Ok…I would find it very odd if my husband suggested we give our wedding gifts to his mother.  So I’m with you on this one.  I think maybe this needs to be explored a little further.  Maybe he has some issues/anxieties around the whole leaving home process?

I would suggest you try to get to the root of the issue (I’m sure you’re already trying), but if it helps in the meantime, maybe tell him that your wedding guests would be extremely offended if it got out that the gifts that they purchased for YOU were re-gifted to his mother…

Maybe he would understand it from an etiquette perspective?

Post # 8
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Um, my DH and I give my mom a lot of things, but she is a single woman.  Your FMIL has a husband!!!  Yours does not need to take care of her!  That is really bizarre.  If he wants to give her something, he can buy it.

Post # 9
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Could he feel guilty for leaving to start his new life with you, so he’s trying to make up for it with random gifts?

I’d just gently remind him that these were gifts people intended for YOU TWO to enjoy, not to regift to someone else. If he wants to give her a gift to thank her for her support or something, suggest you go out together and get something new.

Post # 10
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

that is very……….odd. If you have any reasons for wanting to keep your gifts, keep them!

@peachacid:  why should she give away the spa thing when she said the MIL doesn’t like pedicures and the OP rarely treats herself to a spa day, let alone a free one?

Post # 12
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would be bothered by my new husband trying to give our wedding gifts away, too, especially if they are used to furnish your new home.

You mentioned that he has problem coping with the “leaving” and “cleaving” part of the marriage. He might just need some more time to cope with the fact that he is married and he has “switched” loyalties. He probably feels like he “abandoned” his mother by getting married and it trying to make himself (and subconsciously her) by giving gifts. I think when he becomes more adjusted to married life, these feelings will subside. Well, hopefully.

Post # 13
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would be very upset as a guest at your wedding to find out a gift I gave to you was regifted to your parents. Especially if you registered for it.

Post # 14
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think you should point blank ask him:

“Why do you want to give our wedding gifts to your mom?”

Those gifts were from your family and friends in celebration of your wedding. You don’t ever hear anyone say “Hey, this is a cool christmas gift-lets give it to my mom”. That sounds just as nuts.

 

If he wants to give his mom something nice- go buy her something that’s just for her. Have him take some cash and buy her her OWN gift, not some regifted wedding present.

Post # 15
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@misspeanut:  +1 I agree with you 100%

On another note, my ex had the same kind of issues with his mother and the whole boundary thing has to be on both sides (him and his mother) She has to back off and so does he. If nothing is set then it will cause problems in the future. Tell him you are his #1 prority not his mom….I’m sure her husband can take care of her and she can take care of herself.

Post # 16
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

This is bizarre.  I’d say to him outright “These are our wedding gifts – people we love gave them to us.  They’d likely be hurt and feel unappreciated if they found out we’d given them away to your mother and besides, they are things that we can (and will) use ourselves.”

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