DH mom not attending our post wedding party

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Pixie26:  That is horrible and she should be ashamed of herself.  She sounds incredibly selfish, if I may say so.  The MOST important thing I’ve learned in dealing with my fiance’s family is I CANNOT take it out on him (not implying you do but I have to constantly remind myself of that.)

I would have an honest conversation with just him at this point, b/c it sounds like you have done everything in your power to include her, and the ball is in her court.  Allow him to be hurt and talk to you about it, but be firm in the stance that you two are now your own family, and this is hurting you as much as it is him and it’s affecting your relationship.  He may become less and less dependent or care less about his mom’s non-enthusiasm if he has his wife to turn to and rely on solely. 

I even hate to say that, b/c it shouldn’t be like this especially if it was just the two of them.  But I’ve learned you can’t change people sometimes as much as you want to. 

Would it be out of line for you to take the reigns and say to her bluntly, “Look, do you have any idea or do you care how much you’re hurting him?”  Would he resent you for that? 

I hope things work out for you both, the way YOU want them to!! Tongue Out   

Post # 4
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Pixie26:  Ahh boundry issues.  His mother feels like you’re the other woman and that you took her man.  That’s why she won’t call him anymore and instead emails him so that she has a direct connection with him without your involvement.  Involving your parents and you calling her won’t make her show up to the party. This is one of those situations where he has to explictly invite her, and he has to take a stand and tell her either she shows up to the party or she will miss the rest of his life and her future grandchildren.  He should ONLY say this if he really means it.   

So the real question is how is your husband handling this? 

 

Post # 5
Member
2330 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Pixie26:  surely she must have known he’d move out when the two of you got married?!

Post # 7
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Eesh, that is quite a position for you two to be in.  I’m sorry, she sounds just awful.  That’s so unfortunate for you.

Feel free to message me whenever you feel the need to vent, I have similar, not as severe issues so I can relate!!  GOOD LUCK!!

 

Post # 8
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Is it possible she has mental health issues? That is strange behavior. A lot of mothers are heartbroken when their children leave (especially if they’re single and that’s their only kid). However, most women are rational enough to deal with the feelings (or at least hide them). He needs to talk to her in a loving way. Actually go see her. You never know what’s going on in someone else’s head. You should definitely not be managing communication. I bet that feels like a slap in the face to her. He may need to spend some time with her during this transition period to show she’s not losing him.

Post # 9
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Pixie26:  His mother is wrong to punish him for doing a perfectly natural and healthy thing by growing up, moving out and beginning an independent, adult life. Did she expect or want him to live with her forever? 

Your husband should make some time to go visit her and reassure her he will always love her, that you both want her to be a part of your lives and that while he understands these  changes are hard for her, he’s done nothing wrong. Then it’s up to her to come around or not.

Post # 10
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@gemchick82:  this exactly! Terrible boundary issues that DH neeas to set her straight about. 

 

 

@Pixie26:  Nothing you or your family does is going to changer her, only he can set her straight. She def sees you as the other women. 

Post # 11
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

She sounds REALLY unstable. Can you possibly all go to family counseling? It’s not really your fault but maybe if you look like you’re putting forth effort to make sure you’re a good daughter in law and want a good relationship, she can start to let go a little more.

Post # 13
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Pixie26:  I’m sorry to hear that. Sounds like she can’t see her problem – which is a problem. FI needs to talk to her and keep talking to her. Be really empathetic. She sounds like a lonely, unhappy woman. I would let the party go. Maybe she wants to prove to herself that you will abandon her, so she’s pushing the envelope. Let her, show you’re not leaving her emotionally, and maybe she’ll relax a bit.

 

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