Post # 1
I’ll try to explain as best I can without making this a 4 page post.
DH and I have been together for 5+ years, married almost 3 mo. Up until we moved in together, we both lived at home with our families due to financial constraints. In April, my dad offered to let us move into a rental property that he owns. Our only expenses are quarterly propert taxes (which in some states is like paying rent) and the obvious household bills like water, gas etc. It was a great opportunity and generous of my dad, and we agreed we d be silly to pass it up.
DH told his mom he was moving out, to which she ignored him for the remainder of the time he was there. He grew up in a one parent home where money was always tight and lived a portion of his life in a small home with 5 cousins/aunts etc. This of course made him very close to his mom, since she was really the only one they both had. Feeling guilty about his childhood, she would never accept and money for rent or household bills. so he wasnt leaving her with a mess of bills or anything.
We got married in a private ceremony in May. My parents offered to throw us a party since nobody got to celebrate with us. DH told his mother, and she told him she will be at work (she has 2 months to request the day off), or that she might be moving and too busy to attend. To this day, she no longer calls him but sends emails instead, mentioned that he has abandoned her and didnt ask how shed feel with him moving out, and has yet to even see where her son is living!
I feel terrible for him, since this is mom and it hurts him that she has rejected him like this. My mom has called her twice and left messages, saying she d hate to see her miss the party and was willing to help her pick out an outfit etc. She told DH she never got the msgs, which is bull. She never called back.
Id like her to be there for my husbands sake, but she seems unwilling to budge. He doesnt talk about it much, but Im sure its affecting him more than hes led on…
Post # 3
@Pixie26: That is horrible and she should be ashamed of herself. She sounds incredibly selfish, if I may say so. The MOST important thing I’ve learned in dealing with my fiance’s family is I CANNOT take it out on him (not implying you do but I have to constantly remind myself of that.)
I would have an honest conversation with just him at this point, b/c it sounds like you have done everything in your power to include her, and the ball is in her court. Allow him to be hurt and talk to you about it, but be firm in the stance that you two are now your own family, and this is hurting you as much as it is him and it’s affecting your relationship. He may become less and less dependent or care less about his mom’s non-enthusiasm if he has his wife to turn to and rely on solely.
I even hate to say that, b/c it shouldn’t be like this especially if it was just the two of them. But I’ve learned you can’t change people sometimes as much as you want to.
Would it be out of line for you to take the reigns and say to her bluntly, “Look, do you have any idea or do you care how much you’re hurting him?” Would he resent you for that?
I hope things work out for you both, the way YOU want them to!!
Post # 4
@Pixie26: Ahh boundry issues. His mother feels like you’re the other woman and that you took her man. That’s why she won’t call him anymore and instead emails him so that she has a direct connection with him without your involvement. Involving your parents and you calling her won’t make her show up to the party. This is one of those situations where he has to explictly invite her, and he has to take a stand and tell her either she shows up to the party or she will miss the rest of his life and her future grandchildren. He should ONLY say this if he really means it.
So the real question is how is your husband handling this?
Post # 5
@Pixie26: surely she must have known he’d move out when the two of you got married?!
Post # 6
@BurlapnLace: I think at this point he is starting to just not care b/c he realizes how unreasonable she’s being. I had a feeling all along that this was going to happen b/c she always seemed a bit strange. Never one to talk other than to say hello. So I got the feeling early on she didn’t like me, although DH said she hasn’t ever liked any of his g/f’s, so I’m guessing it’s probably just her anger at someone taking her son away..seeing how she apparently views it that way. Unless he asked me to, i wouldn’t say anything to his mom at this point. He doesn’t really talk about it much, but then again he’s not the type to go into discussions like that. There’s no way that it isn’t hurtful, but he can’t force her to come if she doesn’t want to…
@gemchick82: Exactly. She feels like i’ve taken her son away. Funny you should mention that. I think she made a weird comment like that a few years ago..can’t remember inw hat context though. Her emails were title “private and confidential”…I didn’t see any of her emails or anything, but DH told me this. So you’re 100% right in her trying to connect only with him. He asked her on the phone the other day (their first conversation in 2 weeks or more) if she got the invitation. She said she did and that was it.
I agree completely he needs to tell her that this is important to him and she needs to make time to be there. We know she doesn’t have any money and surely don’t expect a gift or anything. All she has to do is show up! We’re having it at the Sheraton Hotel, and she even gets a free hotel room for the night…there’s really no reason to say no!
@FromA2B2013: I think she was hoping we’d break up before getting married or anything. Her comment to him when he told her we’d gotten married was “oh well that’s YOUR problem now”.
Post # 7
Eesh, that is quite a position for you two to be in. I’m sorry, she sounds just awful. That’s so unfortunate for you.
Feel free to message me whenever you feel the need to vent, I have similar, not as severe issues so I can relate!! GOOD LUCK!!
Post # 8
Is it possible she has mental health issues? That is strange behavior. A lot of mothers are heartbroken when their children leave (especially if they’re single and that’s their only kid). However, most women are rational enough to deal with the feelings (or at least hide them). He needs to talk to her in a loving way. Actually go see her. You never know what’s going on in someone else’s head. You should definitely not be managing communication. I bet that feels like a slap in the face to her. He may need to spend some time with her during this transition period to show she’s not losing him.
Post # 9
@Pixie26: His mother is wrong to punish him for doing a perfectly natural and healthy thing by growing up, moving out and beginning an independent, adult life. Did she expect or want him to live with her forever?
Your husband should make some time to go visit her and reassure her he will always love her, that you both want her to be a part of your lives and that while he understands these changes are hard for her, he’s done nothing wrong. Then it’s up to her to come around or not.
Post # 10
@gemchick82: this exactly! Terrible boundary issues that DH neeas to set her straight about.
@Pixie26: Nothing you or your family does is going to changer her, only he can set her straight. She def sees you as the other women.
Post # 11
She sounds REALLY unstable. Can you possibly all go to family counseling? It’s not really your fault but maybe if you look like you’re putting forth effort to make sure you’re a good daughter in law and want a good relationship, she can start to let go a little more.
Post # 12
@Syzygy88: Yes. She absolutely has mental health issues. I have no idea what they would be categorized, but clearly something isn’t quite right. Strange enough..she works as an administrator at a hospital that has a special floor for mental health. I would think that as an employee she could probably set something up..but I doubt very much she’s even considering that. She doesn’t think she’s wrong.
@Zhabeego: I think she expected him to live there for many more years to come truthfully. DH is already too old to have been living at home for the amount of time that he was. She was very discouraging and angry whenever he mentioned moving out..and this dates back a few years. He’s been over to the house and called her several times since moving. They’ve had plenty of discussions..but not much has come from them. The same behavior has continued.
@LauraJay: I’m inclined to say that DH and her exclusively would be best in counseling, at least at the beginning. But I will suggest this to him as a possibility down the road, providing she would even agree..
Post # 13
@Pixie26: I’m sorry to hear that. Sounds like she can’t see her problem – which is a problem. FI needs to talk to her and keep talking to her. Be really empathetic. She sounds like a lonely, unhappy woman. I would let the party go. Maybe she wants to prove to herself that you will abandon her, so she’s pushing the envelope. Let her, show you’re not leaving her emotionally, and maybe she’ll relax a bit.