Post # 1
I feel embarrassed even writing this, but not enough that I felt that I wanted/needed to post in disguise, so here goes:
Darling Husband and I have been together over 4 years and married 4 months. Normally our sex life was good/normal/average with it’s ups and downs, but over the past few weeks or so I’ve been noticing he’s been a little more physically distant than usual and hasn’t been initiating or being his playful flirtatious self. I just chalked it up to his new job b/c I know for a fact that he’s under alot more pressure than usual. He’s a very healthy person who goes to the gym 3 times a week and insists that we only eat good healthy food (we slip up &/or treat ourselves once in a while tho) , which is a GOOD thing, don’t get me wrong, but since we’ve been married I put on about 8-10 pounds. I’m trying to lose it b/c I don’t feel good about it, in other words, I’m doing it for me.
Well tonight I initiated a BJ, which he was on board with, but as soon as we started having sex I could tell he wasn’t into it, so I stopped. I asked him what the deal was b/c I’ve been picking up on the way he’s been acting and wanted to get it on the table. He admitted that lately he hasn’t been feeling “as attracted” to me. He said he wasn’t sure why or what the deal was, if it was just him being in a funk or what, and that he didn’t even want to say anything b/c he didn’t want to hurt me and wasn’t sure of the reasoning behind it and didn’t want to say anything w/o solid reasons to back up the way he was feeling.
Maybe the reason is that I’ve lost interest in some of the hobbies I once had, don’t go out as much with friends since we’ve been married, or maybe started to lose a bit of who I am in exchange for comfortable married living? Maybe it’s my appearance?
I asked him what we should do about it to fix or help the situation and he says to just take it a step at a time. He doesn’t want a divorce and says we’ll get thru it and that we’ll be ok. It just stings. Has anyone else gone thru a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice? Please don’t suggest that he may be gay, even with the best intentions, b/c I’m 100% certain he is not.
Post # 3
I think right now you need to focus on how you feel, not just because of this, but how you’ve changed since you got married. Do you feel like you are losing yourself? Do you feel differently about yourself? My Fiance and I are in a similar situation, but then again we aren’t, so I don’t feel like I can give any other real advice, other than it’s not your fault, and working on your self-image, even through therapy, does not mean it’s your fault, but you may need to make yourself the number one priority, before you tackle this situation, especially if you think it may be your appearance or changes in your behavior.
Post # 4
I’m really sorry this happened to you. I’m not sure what solid advice I have to give to be honest. If it were me I think i’d be seriously annoyed at him. 8-10 lbs shouldn’t mean the difference between being attracted or not being attracted so TBH it sounds like something else is bothering him. Could his new job be playing a bigger part than he’s letting on? Please don’t be down on yourself. Pick yourself up and go and do a few things to make you happy. You deserve to feel sexy and loved by your partner. Sorry, I’m not feeling overly sympathetic to him but it’s such a hurtful thing to have said to you!
Post # 5
I find that when I am not confident about myself, my SO isn’t as “into me”. I think he picks up on the fact that I am concious about my “chicken skin” on my legs and arms, or the 15 lbs I’ve gained since we started dating, or a variety of other things. Making MYSELF feel sexy often has my SO feeling passionate too.
If that is not an issue for you, I don’t think 10lbs would cause someone not to be attracted. It isn’t that much weight, in the end. Maybe he is just in a “funk”. Would you consider seeing a sex therapist or a marriage councillor to work it out with someone who is trained to solve these issues?
Post # 6
I’m sorry this is happening.. I would doubt that 8-10 lbs would be the turn off here. I’ve been with SO for 5 1/2 years. Not long ago we went through something kind of similar. We were both out of sync. I was annoyed and angry with him because he was withdrawn and he was unhappy with me because I was naggy at him over what the heck was going on. The fact that your hubby is so up front about it is probably the best thing out of this so far. Once we had our emotions on the table we were able to work through it. In my case I was stressing over our upcoming vacation trying to make it perfect that I was being pretty rotten to him whenever he tried to distract me from it. The he would clam and I would get angry. We weren’t having fun together. You mentioned you just got married 4 months ago. Well maybe you two shared the wedding planning as a huge hobby and now that’s done and over with. Perhaps what attracts him is your motivation together and ability to work as a team? Maybe you could suggest a new style date night. Seems like you guys need to reconnect. Maybe when this is through and he looks back it won’t be that he’s not attracted. It could be he just doesn’t feel the intense connection at the moment. Good Luck hun!
Post # 7
@takemyhand: I agree, definitely.
Since our wedding, I have been in a wicked funk. I feel fat and really depressed. NOT because I married this man, but because I feel sort of let down after all of the excitment of the wedding…now it’s over and I’m almost mourning…it’s weird. I don’t feel sexy at all because I feel like I got soft and I don’t want him to even touch me…let alone have sex.
We had a long conversation about it this weekend, and I told him all of my feelings. I think talking really frankly about these sort of feelings is the first step. You’re married now, and it’s really important to communicate when you are unhappy, even if it’s just with yourself. Your husband needs to listen to your concerns, and you need to listen to his. He needs to weed out what’s causing this “funk” and then you need to work on it together.
good luck 🙂
Post # 8
after going through a very rough pregnancy and many many life ups and downs with my SO (including a break up) one would think we have certain things down by now. thats not the case. We still have to work very hard to make sure we keep our connection strong. Sometimes life gets in the way. I do not think 8-10lbs is a big enough change for that to be the reason. I know though that no matter what the reason is something like this really does sting. But it is a really great thing that he was able to be honest and now you guys have somewhere to start when trying to figure this out. It could be so many things that have nothing to do with his actual attraction to you. Something my SO told me before when i asked why he was ok with a BJ but then sex was just a struggle was that with a BJ its just less work for him and that with how tired he was it wasnt that he didnt want sex with me but he didnt have it in him and with a BJ that takes almost no effort on his part so thats why he was ok with that and then would sort of be not with it when it came time to actually have sex. This is by no means right but it does make sense. No matter what though that rejection sucks. I dont know that I can give any real advice on a next step because this is something that I believe only you two can really figure out. You both are on board with getting to the bottom of it and working on it so that is the main thing to remember. Keep an open mind and as hard as it is try not to take things personally right away, listen and try and communicate your own feelings as clearly as possible too.
Post # 9
First of all, those few pounds are DEFINITELY not to be in this equation. I had gained about 20+ pounds after I met my Darling Husband and our sex life was ROCKIN’!
Then over time I made a conscious effort to lose weight (for MYSELF. I was feeling lethargic a lot.) and lo and behold! The sex life wasn’t the greatest. I was wondering ‘wtf? I DEFINITELY look HOTTER. I mean guys were checkin’ me out on the streets, malls, etc. So what’s the problem then?’
Turns out, Darling Husband and I were not connected to each other at a higher level. We hadn’t been talking as much as before. We were drifting apart mentally. We were not hanging out and doing ‘nothing’ together anymore. (Ya, we love doing that together. lol!) We weren’t calling and/or talking as much anymore. We called each other at night and just said ‘goodnights’. (We weren’t married then, but we used to talk ont he phone a lot more, which had stopped.)
Plus my family problems were getting in the way and so were his. We found ourselves spending too much time hashing out our family issues, and not enough time talking about OUR own future or our personal interests.
Once we got that train on track, we were back into ‘sexy time.’ We had to work hard and consciously make the effort to do something that we had stopped doing or not do something.
FYI, Darling Husband went through a couple of promotions, which basically translated into MORE WORK, MORE HOURS at the office. So ALL of this factored in. He had to make a strong effort to keep his work ‘sh*t’ out of our personal lives. He had to stop thinking/venting abt it after getting home. He had a few mins to vent but after that, he needs to STOP thinking abt work. Darling Husband literally couldn’t ‘get it up’ cuz he was so stressed and still is. He has a new boss who is an ass to him. Darling Husband will look for work in the new year but until he actually finds one, he has to put up with this shit. ‘Talking’ to the boss hasn’t helped. So maybe your Darling Husband is under sh*tloads of pressure which is manefesting into the bedroom. It’s sad but it happens as u can see…
Post # 10
@Eight6Eleven: If you were an average weight prior to marriage, 10 pounds is not going to change your body in such a drastic way that he does not see the woman he married anymore. Maybe it is a phase, I wish you the best. Try marriage counseling to see if you two can get some things on the table. Please don’t let yourself go because you got married. It can be a shocker to date a sex kitten and get married everything changes. Ask yourself have you really changed that much? I am sure things will work out, maybe you should get your sexy back and try to spice things up. Best wishes.
Post # 11
Thank you everyone for your support and kind words. I think a few of you really hit the nail on the head when you mentioned work stress, not talking as much, connecting mentally etc. Sometimes life DOES get in the way- he seems to have a bigger workload now and almost always works a bit from home in the evenings, but still makes time to have dinner w/ me and unwind. He said his drive has been low lately. He gets in a little bit of a funk in the winter time every year it seems- seasonal depression?
Stardustintheeyes: Yes, a BJ is def less work and if I initiate when he’s ready to go to sleep anyhow then I can see how he might not be as into sex. It shouldn’t be an excuse but I can kind of understand how that makes a bit of sense.
pinkandsparkly, takemyhand: I know how this feels. When I don’t feel sexy then how can I expect him to think I am?
soladylike: I always sort of scoffed at those men and women who “let themselves go” after marriage. I always thought it WAS unfair to the marriage to stop taking care of yourself wether it be the man or the women that does it. He takes great care of himself. I stopped working out and started baking. It makes him sound so shallow but I think appearance plus being out of sync is what’s happening here.
Tequilasunrise: That’s a great thought! Maybe we do need something to connect us more as a team.
Sasha2011: ugh..family and work pressure. I KNOW he’s under a lot of pressure to prove himself at this new job. He got a promo but he’s the only one working now. I’m a student. I think that wears on him and stresses him out.
Ticatica: You’re right. I can’t get too down on myself. I do deserve to feel loved and attractive.
Rachael432: Thanks for being the first to reply. I think I do need to start putting myself first a bit more and focusing on what interests me and makes me happy. Afterall, that’s the girl he fell in love with in the first place…
This morning we talked while he was at work. He appoligized for what he said but felt like he needed to get everything on the table as to why he was acting this way. It sucks, but I’m glad he was honest and open, even tho trying to get him to express emotions is like trying to pull teeth. We just seem out of sync at the moment. Hopefully we can work thru it.
Post # 12
Yeah, I don’t think men notice a 10 lb difference. Unless of course, you are more petite it might show more. It probably has to do with feeling love. I would ask him if he can try to think about what it is that makes him feel the feeling of love. Because that can help you figure out what it is that makes him tick.
I read this book called the 5 love languages, or something like that and they talk about how attraction is linked to feeling love, and you have to find out what it is that makes the two of you feel that feeling.
Post # 13
Thanks, ChickN. I see that book getting recommended alot on the Bee. Maybe I’ll pick it up. For the record, I am more petite- I’m only 5’4″ so any extra weight really shows on me.