Post # 1
So I had a breakdown at work today. Tonight is our hospital tour. A tour which has already been rescheduled once because DH didn’t want to go on a Sunday afternoon. He told me if I wanted him to come I would have to reschedule, so I did, for tonight, and he’s not coming. He doesn’t think it’s important. I do, I would like to see where we need to go and where I will be giving birth to our child.
Not only is he not coming with me to this, he hasn’t been to any doctors appointments including the ultrasound, he didn’t come with me to see the daycare and he hasn’t helped out at all so far in the nursery. I feel like i’m doing this all alone. I told him that we need to have a conversation. If this is any indication of what things will be like when the baby is here, frankly, i’m scared!
Post # 3
@future mrs: Sounds like my DH. Hugs to you! I know its a little scary but you will get through it. DH was totally like this my first pregnancy. I sat him down and told him this pregnancy you WILL be there. I don’t care if I drag you kicking and screaming. You need to be honest with him on how you feel. Do you have any family close by? Maybe your mom can go to appointments with you?
Post # 4
@future mrs: I can understand that you’re concerned. I would be, too.
How long have you been married? Is he maybe nervous about becoming a father?
Post # 5
Oh no!! Some men just are not as into it as others. I am surprised he wasnt at least interested in the ultrasound though!
Maybe when the baby gets here – he will understand what all of the fuss was all about and be all about the baby after that.
Sorry you are in it alone though, I can imagine that would be so frustrating.
Post # 6
im scared for you! personally, i would go nuts on him! how bloody rude and inconsiderate the lazy git. give him a hard time over this or nothing will change.
Post # 7
@future mrs: I don’t blame him not wanting to go tour the hospital, or go daycare shopping Or your doctors appointments.
Pick one or two things that you want him there for instead of a laundry list of appointments and things to do.
Post # 8
That’s really tough, I would feel the exact same way. I asked my husband if we was going to go to appointments with me once we got pregnant and his response was ‘I don’t know, maybe if I have the day off’. Ugh….I always thought he would want to be there. Oh well, men suck.
Post # 9
If I may ask, what was his excitement level at the prospect of TTC? Was he into it, or more ambivalent, or did you have to talk him into it? If he feels like this is “your show” then I can see why he might be acting this way. If he was all in on the TTC plan, then he needs to seriously buck up.
Either way, you need to get real with him about how involved hes going to be when the baby gets here. Sorry you have to go through this 🙁
Post # 10
Did you discuss this with him before TTC? Have you discussed the roles the two of you will play in raising the child? It sounds like there were some miscommunicated expectations made on both ends. You guys have discussed discipline, schooling, housework etc after the baby comes, yes?
Post # 11
@Captain013: You “don’t blame him”?! Are you kidding? It’s 50% his kid. He needs to suck it up and be involved!
Post # 12
@Captain013: I didn’t give him a laundry list. I asked him to go to one drs appointment and the hospital tour. Other things I thought he’d want to do without my having to ask.
Post # 13
That is disappointing. I would have a talk with him and tell him how important these events are to you, and you would like him to be there.
Post # 14
@Miss Grey: honeymoon baby….we didn’t really have much time to think!
Post # 15
You need to have a frank talk with him ASAP. It sounds like you have been tiptoing around this – just hoping he will come around. It’s possible that he is having a lot of feelings/nerves about becoming a father and so is avoiding the tour/appointments because of that. But there are other possibilities too.
It’s time to tell him what you are feeling about this and ask him how he is feeling. You don’t want to wait until your child is born to find out that he views all of this as “your job”.
I look at the world of having a baby like a team sport with you and your husband. The woman (as the one who carries/breastfeeds etc) is the captain, but the husband is still the other teammate and has to play. He is not allowed to sit on the sidelines!
Post # 16
@future mrs: To me, it doesn’t sound like you set your expectations with him about his participation early enough in your pregnancy. It’s difficult after you’ve been so lackadaisical with his involvement to suddenly expect him to jump to attention and start pitching in.
Before DH and I enter a new phase in our lives (moving in, getting married, having children…etc), we have long, drawn out conversations regarding our expectations of the other person. We set the ground rules about our levels of participation and who is responsible for each element, so they’re no surprise or fighting once a situation arises.
For instance, DH does not do yard work. He made this very clear when we were moving in together. So I had a choice, either I do all of the yard work without complaining that he’s not pitching in, or we hire someone. This conversation eliminated years of “you never help out around the house” arguments and hurt feelings.
Unfortunately, I think it might be too late for you to do this with your pregnancy, but definitely not too late for the arrival of the child.
Think of all of the new situations you will be in (hourly feedings, changings, Dr. appointments, shopping/errands…etc), sit down with a big list, and discuss your expectations. It’s give and take. If he doesn’t want to do diapering, he sure as hell will be doing the 3 am feeding…..
Does this make sense?