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Okay, my husband and I are a bit older. Firmly in our 30's. We live in different states. Have our own places (rent, not own) and have graduate degrees. Now, to my detriment, the name change thing was not something we discussed before getting married. I've always known that I didn't want to change my name. I like my name. It's tied to my identity. It's my name and I like it. I feel like changing it is ripping something away from me that is out of my control. That's how I feel. Now, I know some women who can't wait to change their names, I'm not one of those. Well, I knew he might want me to change my name but I didn't want to fight about it. We were fighting a bit during the engagement and this was just one more thing I didn't want to fight about. My bad. We've been married a while now. I'd like to move to his state (actually, I don't want to but it seems prevailing wisdom is that the wife should move). So, we started discussing the name change since September and the three arguments we've had since then (about one huge argument a month) is about my name. I don't want to change. I have discussed this ad nuseum with my therapist. I've made lists and done the pros and cons. The most I could come up with is a hyphenation which I would BEGRUDGINGLY do but not really what I want.
This is nuts. He sounds like a jerk. I would wait and see if he files. If he does, then I think he's just using this as an excuse to get divorced. Someone who is in love with someone, although their feelings may be hurt, wouldn't get divorced over this.
I am guessing that this is about more then just the name change. It sounds like the two of you have had a rocky road for a while now and this really might just be his breaking point. Is there anyway he could travel and come to the therapist with you for a session or two?
I'd tell him to go right ahead. If he's serious he's an *sshole and if he's just threatening you to get his way he's still an *sshole.
I'd beat him to the punch and file. He seems like he's making you miserable. The fact that you don't want to move to be with him probably says something too.
ETA: Sorry.. I realize that was very blunt. I'm sure this is a difficult situation, it just seems from the things you've said (and if he says that he would divorce you over this) that he's not interested in making it work. If this is such an issue I worry what might be in store later if you disagree with him about any other life decisions like what school to send your kids to, etc...
Tell him to go ahead and have a nice life. I know I'm being blunt, but it honestly doesn't sound like he cares very much about being married to you.
ya, i wouldn't give in on this. you more than generously comprised on a hyphenation - which you shouldn't have to do. If he wants to file for divorce over this, better now than after you have kids and something equally trivial comes up. i am sorry this is happening to you though. its sounds simple to us annonymous outsiders, but i am sure you must be feeling awful and i feel for you. i hope things get resolved and you make a decision that is best for your mental and emotional well being.
Sounds like he's very traditional and wants things his way all the time, you've had a tough time and things aren't getting any better for you guys. Something will break at some point, it just has to. I think he already has checked out. I'd call his bluff. Are you willing to let any kids use his name?
FWIW, this traditional arrangement would not work for me.
ETA: But sweeping problems under the rug isn't good either. You know now that doesn't make them go away.
It has been a bit rocky. Mostly because of wedding planning and the fact that the finances balooned AND I really don't know how to handle stress so I lashed out at home. Not often, but often enough for me to put up the prior thread and get a handle on the situation. I am in a much much better place right now. However, this has just knocked me for a loop. I don't really want to tell anyone because everyone just loves him because well, he is the charming funny fellow that though is not the life of the party, everyone loves him. I still think it's the deception of me not telling him before the wedding that is causing this not the actually fact that I want to hyphenate. I told him that maybe he should see a therapist over the fact that I did deceive him but it's already happened but he said he doesn't want to go because it means that I still get what I want and am basically telling him to get over it. I just feel like my life is at a standstill right now. I am not hurt as much as dumbfounded. I'm scared to tell my mum because she's a grudge holder (trust me on this) and she will hold it over his head for FOREVER!! I can't tell my friends because many of them are from 'home' and they would say 'What's the big deal?' although a few didn't change their names and their husbands don't have a problem with it. I don't get it. Sorry for the long posts :( Oh, and this is just for business purposes. I'm not going to be using it socially so folks can call me Mrs. HisLastName AND our kids wouldn't even have my last name or anything. In my culture, only the men can name the kids so even though I can give them middle names, I can't give them first names which I am okay with. I'm just not okay with not having a say in my OWN NAME :(
Uh... say what? If a man is willing to divorce his wife over a name change then sorry to say but the marriage should never have happened at all. Holy over reaction Batman. Throwing around the threat of divorce at all is damaging, but over something like that? No way. Compounded by the fact that you have been married for some time and you don't even live together I am confused as to why you are even married to this jackwagon. What does your therapist think of this? I personally do not see how you could stay married and create a life with this man, but I guess good luck to you.
My FI feels very strong about this but thankfully I don't mind changing my long last name that no one can spell to a very short one. I don't think it should mean your marriage, but if it does then you have to figure out which is more important. Have you considered changing your middle name to your maiden name and then taking his last name?
@MrsMeNow:Omg, is that your cat!? At first glance I thought it was a nude pic, because of the color, haha....
Tell him to go ahead, you'll sign next to the X and make it easy.
He sounds like a manipulative jerk and I'm sorry but the way you paint your relationship it sounds like more work than it's worth. You shouldn't have to feel pushed into any corners or decisions because HE wants you to. That's ridiculous. Divorce him and move on with your life. I know that's probably difficult but it sounds like, at best, you tolerate eachother. No man who loves a woman would even THINK of threatening something like that over something so insignificant in the scheme of things. Add to that your previous issues, the fact that you both don't really want to move to be together (I wouldn't either in your case because he sounds terrible.)
Stay where you are, keep your name, keep your therapist, and find a guy (in your area) who isn't an a-hole.
agreed with you all. There is obviously something more on his side. I'm sorry, but a NAME should not send you to file divorce papers. My feeling is, its YOUR name, and you are the one who has to deal with it the rest of your life. YOU should be the one making the final decision, not him. My husband wanted me to change to his name, but knew that it was ultimately my decision. I ended up changing, but because I wanted to, not because he wanted me to
I guess I don't understand the issue with the hypenation of your last name because I come from a family of southern roots. Are you in the south by any chance? The reason I ask is because it is traditional in the south to drop your middle name and replace it with your maiden name when you get married, no hyphenation necessary. I have my maiden name there in my legal name to use when I want but it is still perfectly correct to use just my married name as well. I sign my paperwork and checks first maiden married but we introduce ourselves as Mr and Mrs Married. Would this be a compromise y'all can live with?
I say see if he actually does it.. if he does than is it worth it? Like you said what would it be about next?
If you want to keep your name no one should bully you into changing it... most of all he should never bully you like that.
Good Luck
Totally agree with everyone else. Let him file, see if he really does. If he is serious about divorcing you because he doesn't want you to hyphenate your name then it sounds like he isn't that serious about the commitment you've made to each other.
Oh, and as far as kids.....do you REALLY want to have children with this man? Imagine how he might treat your future kids, especially a daughter. And I'm sorry, tradition or not, I want some say-so in what my children that come from my womb are called for their entire lives.
A marriage isn't about a name, it's about the two people involved and your love for one another. It sounds like there are bigger problems than a name change but this is a good scape goat. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm really happy to hear you've gotten counselling for yourself, and I think that you two could benefit from couples counselling to decide if this marriage is what you both want outside of name changes.
I'm sorry but this is petty!!!!
That being said, it was pretty much non negotiable to my DH that I change my last name. He's very traditional and our families are traditional. To some people it's a big deal to all have the same last name and whatnot. He wouldn't have been a jerk about it though.
Thanks everyone. I know it's an emotional time for me. The thing is, of course on the net, you only hear the bad parts of the person especially in a venting thread. The thing is, I think he's trying to bully me but he's bringing the big guns. My therapist was a bit taken aback when I told her what he said last month (the 'irreconcilable differences' phrase) but she's a bit hesistant to use American sensitivities when it comes to traditional values. I don't know. I'm thinking I will sit on this for a week and then if I don't hear anything, I'm going to unleash the big big guns (our mothers). The thing is, once he's gone this way on this, what next? I've told him he's being silly because in the grand scheme of being married for decades, this has got to be about the most trivial stuff imaginable :(
Sad he doesn't know what a compramise is. If you give in to the move and the name change you've set a good precedent as to what your future holds on how the D word will linger until you give in. I don't think that's much a way to start a marriage.
You should move or give up your name, but I don't think you ought to give in to both 100%.
I'll have to read back, as I'm not sure why you are married and not living together...but anyways I can see a few different things in this.
but first off, he wont file taxes with you or discuss kids if you don't change your name or just in general?
agreed with you all. There is obviously something more on his side. I'm sorry, but a NAME should not send you to file divorce papers. My feeling is, its YOUR name, and you are the one who has to deal with it the rest of your life. YOU should be the one making the final decision, not him. My husband wanted me to change to his name, but knew that it was ultimately my decision. I ended up changing, but because I wanted to, not because he wanted me to
I think it's troubling that your husband doesn't seem to have made any attempt to compromise here. Names are pretty important, but whipping out a last resort like divorce over your name seems like a massive overreaction on your husband's part.
Divorce over you not wanting to change your name? Im sorry I didnt know that was in the vows he took... He is being nuts and there has to be more to it. I hope you can figure it out or be able to put this all behind you.
This doesn't sound like a workable marriage in many ways, and there seem to be a lot of red flags. He wants you do to all the sacrificing (moving, name change, etc.), but doesn't really seem to care if he's married to you. He sounds as though he's one of those charming emotional abusers who is trying to twist your head around. How is it "you deceived me" if you two never talked about name changes before the wedding? He doesn't have a right to assume you will do whatever he wants, and if this was important to him, he should have brought it up before the wedding. He has a right to ask if you wil change it, to want to discuss it, but he's being a bully and giving orders, not working things out. I would hold off on moving until you decide if you guys can work things out.
What culture are you from? The not having a choice about naming your own kids seems incredibly old fashioned to say the least. (I've told my FI I carry them 9 months, that gives me tie breaker status!)
@MissSawyer: Oh my gosh you guys now I am going to have to change my picture, now that I know everyone thought I had a nudie picture all this time. And no that isn't my cat.
This is a pretty serious issue, even aside from the name change. You live in different states, you don't seem to have any solid plans to move there. It seems like you're married legally, but it no other sense of the word. If he divorces you over not changing your names, that shows me that it wasn't a 100% solid relationship in the first place.
Have you talked about professionally using your maiden name and then using his socially/personally? I know a lot of women who have established careers once they are married and they just do that. That way, the diplomas and career information follows their name, but at least you have the connection of socially being Mr. and Mrs. Bee.
I hope you work this out. It sounds very draining and hurtful to you.
If he won't go to counselling with you, is not willing to compromise in any way, must have his own way 100% of the time, won't take a honeymoon, won't file joint tax returns, and won't discuss children, why exactly is this man married?
Seriously, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. No one who is truely in love and wants to be married for life would threaten divorce over something, which to be honest, is trivial. This is emotional blakcmail. I wouldn't even move across the street for someone who threatened divorce over this.
@mwitter80: I agree with you. This name thing sounds like an excuse to get divorced. OP, sorry you are dealing with this!
I would be very worried that he's using divorce as a threat. It's very manipulative, and if you give in, will he try that over everything when he wants to get his way? I realize that we have only a fraction of the story, so I won't rush to say leave him, but I do not think you should concede on your name to prevent it. There can always be a compromise if you're both willing to have it.
@vmec: I totally agree. In pre-marital counseling, our counselor talked about how you never threaten to leave or divorce your partner. Divorce is a serious action, and it's not something to be taken lightly, and it's certainly not something to be used to bully your partner into getting your way. I think it is very shameful that your husband is using the threat of divorce to try to bully you into taking his last name, and I think that is the biggest, most dangerous issue you have right now.
Seems to me there's a whole lot more going on here.
Maybe I missed it, but how long have you been married? I figure it's been since at least September? When you married, had you talked out a timeline for moving to the same state? Is this a first marriage for both of you? Those seem like a couple of really big issues . . . or elephants in the room that no one wanted to discuss. That worries me.
Using divorce as a threat always raises big red flags to me.
That being said, I didn't change my name (I think my mom was more surprised than my MIL--especially since one of DH's sisters has not changed her name either). That being said, I'm not offeneded when things come addressed to me with my husband's last name (it makes him giggle like a teenaged girl though). I know if we had kids, they'd have his last name (not that we would as we're in our 40s). My sister hyphenated her name and moved to her husband's city (even without a job--since they were in separate cities, their expenses would only go down and with marraige, she'd qualify for his insurance). My family is very traditional, yet only a couple of my cousins (or their wives) have acutally changed their last names--most of us have not.
I thank all of you for your comments. I think this is one of those situations that honestly, I think he "might" be using a heavy machine gun to stun a fly. The big guns (divorce) really oughtn't be brought out for stuff like this. We've been kicking the concept of moving for a few months. I was even telling him that I have to move because I'm being too entrenched with being alone. We dated for years and years so it got the point where I was just "Alright, I'll move" My job is not that great but it's okay and I make decent money. I guess I was just laboring under the fact that he felt deceived because I didn't bring up the issue but now I realize that if he felt that strongly about it, he should have brought it up too. I really do feel like if I compromise on this, I will spent my whole marriage compromising over other things. BTW, I honestly don't mind moving or having him name the kids. I don't care. It's how I was raised. I just care about my name and being emotionally blackmailed about it. We've been married for a few months.
Let him file the divorce papers. If he's willing to divorce you over the "deception" involving a name change than screw him. What happens if you ever change you mind about something, is that deception too? Ridiculous.
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