(Closed) DH thinks counseling is tearing us apart

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

What part doesn’t he like?

Post # 4
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@rozzy:  I think a little more information would be helpful. Why are you going? Is it pre-cana or was there an issue which started the process. What does he not feel comfortable with/what specifically has he been saying he does not like?

Is there an individual component as well or couple only?

Post # 5
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would just explain that whatever the counseling is bringing up that is making him uncomfortable is probably for the best. You guys need to get that out of the way before making such a huge commitment.

I remember when we did our counseling we watched this videos. In the video the guy was like “my goal is to break you up. I don’t want you to get married’. I was so pissed when I first watched it and thought the guy was a total dick and wanted to quit watching. But by the end of the 12 weeks and watching the rest of the guys videos I loved him. I totally understand that he was trying to break up couples that weren’t going to last in the long run. He talked about really touchy subjects and made us think about things we didn’t want to. It really helped our relationship.

Post # 7
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

You cannot make someone want to be an active participant in counseling. He has to want it to work and be willing to go through the hard stuff in order to make things better.

That said, what, exactly, does he not like or find helpful about it?

Post # 8
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@rozzy:  Tough question.  Unfortunately, you can never ‘make’ someone want to seek counseling. Sure, you can force them to go, but unless they are open and willing, it will be a waste of time.  As other PP’s have asked, what, or why does he have reservations now?!

Also, you said you have 8 sessions, so 5 more to go…is there a financial component you can use to ‘sway’ him to make the most out of it?!  Even if it is paid via insurance??

Post # 9
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

Need more. Can you give any details about counseling and what part is upsetting him in particular?

Post # 10
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

He probably doesnt like having the counsellor bring up his flaws and what he needs to work on. 

But counselling (only 3 sessions) helped Fiance and i tremendously as he was very open to the experience. 

Post # 11
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think without more information it’s hard to help, but I will offer this: I am very pro-counseling (psych major! lol), and my Fiance is agaisnt it. I think it’s because of the stigma and “he’s a guy, so he shouldn’t have to go to counseling”. Fortunately, we’ve never had to go, but knowing this about my Fiance I know it will be hard to pursue counseling should we ever need it. Some people just aren’t open to the idea and you can’t really “make” them do it. Considering he has gone to a few sessions already, I would just sit down with him and try to talk about what he doesn’t like and how you feel about it.

Post # 13
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@rozzy:  Maybe ask the counselor to make one of the sessions totally about his complaints about you.  He probably feels like he is getting beat up on by both you and the counselor.  Maybe an individual session for each of you would also be a good idea.  And yes, he does make a good point that the point of counseling is to open up communication so if there is something you want to bring up about him with the counselor at a session, maybe it’s a good idea to bring it up to him beforehand if you can so you can discuss it between the two of you first before getting the counselor to intercede.

Post # 14
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@rozzy:   Ask him to bring that up next session. 

Post # 15
2908 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I know this might sound silly, but is that something you could bring up in your next session? Maybe tell him ahead of time, “I’d like to discuss with our counselor the way you feel about counseling and see if we can work out a way to continue working with her that doesn’t make you feel like I’m throwing you under the bus or tattling on you.” 

But I think an important part of counseling is that both partners feel open to hearing feedback about what they can do to change their dynamic. If he’s getting defensive, it’s going to be hard for him to open up. Do you feel like your counselor is being judgemental towards him?

Post # 16
5967 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@rozzy:  It’s pretty typical for someone to characterize a theraputic setting/professional with antagonistic qualities if they’re personal beliefs, actions and general character are being questioned….I would bring all of this up at your next session and make sure your Darling Husband is the one to bring it up, let him and the counselor figure it out, and remember, you might have to do a little shopping to find one that fits for you both, most marriage counselors offer a free consultation to see how everyone works together.

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