Post # 1
Ok, this is going to be long, so bear with me!
Tonight DH is going to a work function. It is a BBQ at the bottom of his building, in celebration of a project that has just successfully been completed. He told me about it yesterday, and this morning I wanted to confirm a few things- where it was, who was going, what time he would be home etc.
He said that he told me all this yesterday and why was I asking. I said I just wanted to confirm, I like knowing where he is in case of an emergency or anything. He told me I was being silly, that he would be with work people and it is their duty to tell me if there was an emergency. I argued that wasn’t the point, and that I like knowing.
I also brought up the fact that I would like the contact details of one of this friends, who he does powerlifting with every second week. DH goes to his friends house to train, this friend is older and I only know his first name, and don’t know where he lives. I said there is no harm in having his contact details written down somewhere in case of an emergency. DH thinks I am a worry wort and need to calm down.
I ended up going into my room to get dressed because he wasn’t understanding where I was coming from, and he followed me in with our cat in his arms. He squeezed her tight and started saying in a cute little voice “just let me love you, just let me love you” and the cat started meowing and trying to wriggle out of his arms. He said that he is the cat, and when I act that way it makes me feel smothered. I laughed.. because it was funny at the time, but now I’m feeling a bit ticked off. I’m not trying to stop him going anywhere or doing anything, I just want to know the details of where he will be in case I need to contact him (and chances of that are slim)
So bee’s.. what do you think?
Post # 3
I think it’s a little much, what you’re asking.
You know it’s a business BBQ, and you know what time he’ll be home. He has his cell phone on him…so what’s the big deal?
Post # 4
Whenever FI goes out, he usually tells me where he’s going and approximately when he will be home. But, I rarely know 100% of the details. If there was ever an emergency, I would call/have someone call his cellphone. Do you and your DH have cellphones so you can text/call if need be?
Post # 5
Does he not have a cell phone? Honestly this would annoy me if I was him. My DH doesn’t need to have all my friend’s contact info or know the who what or why of everything I do. I’m an adult capable of taking care of herself, and if something happened I’m sure he would be contacted without issue. He knows who I”m with (although coworkers is fine, I don’t need to name names), he knows when I’ll be home, that should be enough. I think that if there was a reason other than “I just like to know” he might be more understanding, I know I would. i.e. are you pregnant and worried you’ll go into labor and not be able to reach him? Is there a medical condition that makes one of you at high risk? Is he really bad at not answering when you text him or telling you if he’s going to be late or what he’s up to? Or is it just that you like to know what he’s doing and who with at all times?
You do have to remember that he is an adult and that he has the right to be responsible for his own actions, and having to tell someone all the details of your where abouts at all times feels like living back with your parents
Post # 6
Seems like you wanna know a lot more than I would..you have problems trusting people?
Post # 7
I know that when ever my DH goes anywhere, he either wants me with him or I pretty much know exactly with who and where he will be. Not because I ask, but we just like to give eachother the info incase anythign happens.
I dont think you are being clingy at all but I wonder why he is bothered by you asking for info of his where abouts.
Was this funtion only for employee’s?
Post # 8
@Nona99: That is true, it seems like a bit much. I still think that he should not have taken it to the extreme to squeeze the cat.
Post # 9
@dannielle89: Does he have a cell phone so you can call and text him?
Honestly, I think that you sound like you maybe have some anxiety. Which I totally understand. I manage a lot of my anxiety by information gathering – i.e. I need to know as much as possible in order to feel secure. Like if I know this and this and this then if this happens, I will be ahead of the game and more prepared to deal with things.
So, I think that I get where you are coming from.
But, I don’t think you need to have his coworkers contact information. Surely if anything happened, god forbid, and you needed to get in touch with him, you could call his office and have a message relayed or have him paged. You know where he works, right? And he has you listed as an emergency contact with HR, I’m sure.
As for his friend, I’m not sure you do need his contact information. Is there any scenario that you could envision where you need to go to his friends house, or call his friend? If your DH has a cell phone, then that should be okay.
If you are worried about people knowing who to contact if something happens to him, have you programmed your number in his phone as “*ICE-whatever”? Knowing that someone knows who to contact might alleviate some of your anxiety.
Post # 10
I’m with your husband on this, so far.
He’s an adult and you’re asking him a lot of details and then confirming again the next day. Then you want the friends contact info. Does your husband not have a cellphone?!?
If there was an emergency, you wouldn’t know by sitting at home. You’d know by someone telling you. This is overkill.
Post # 11
I understand both sides of this. With my SO, we basically just let eachother know where we’re going, if we’ll be able to text or call during the time, and the generally time we might get back. In this day and age of cell phones, there’s really not that much of a reason to have emergency contacts of someone wherever he goes… my mom does that to me sometimes, and I always comply, but if it was my man I might feel a little smothered. I think he would feel the same way… like you don’t trust him or something
Post # 12
DH has reactive hypoglycemia, and had an episode on Sunday. This shook me up as I was out with family when it happened.
One of our closest friends died in June, he was DH’s best friend and my best friends FI and ever since then I suppose I have been wondering “what if” something happened to DH.
Thank you for the honest feedback, sometimes it is hard to evaluate situations when you are in them!
Post # 13
I don’t understand why you needed to re-confirm the details – it was at his work wasn’t it? I mean, if FI tells me he’s going to lunch with co-workers one day I don’t need to know where they happen to be going…
It sounds like you have some anxiety issues with wanting to know where he is at all time and wanting contact info of everyone in his life in case of an emergency. Have you talked to a therapist about this before?
If there was an emergency you wouldn’t know until someone contacted you – you having their contact info wouldn’t get the news to you any quicker, unless you were to randomly contact his friends if he came home later than you expected?
Post # 14
@Mrs.Jansen: fi and i also give each other info, but spontaneously and we choose to do it. if he took to questioning me everytime i left the house, id feel smothered…and it would make me not want ot tell him, even though i have nothing to hide. i also would never ask for address and contact details if my fi wnet to a friends house without me
i think its ok to say “what time roughly will you be home” (not a curfew! just a heads up) and also ‘keep your cell phone with you in case i need to get in touch” but thats it
it sounds like there are several questions after each other. and hes feeling like alittle boy getting permission from his parents?
it sounds like your husband has the same sense of humor as me – the cat thing is hilarious! but i dont think he meant to offend you.
Post # 15
@dannielle89: Okay, this makes much more sense now. I’m so sorry for your loss. You must be quite shaken.
I see now that you are worried if your DH doesn’t come home when you expect him to, and if you can’t get in touch with him, you want to be able to contact the people around him.
I think you need to have a serious discussion about how you are feeling with your DH, and preferably not at a time when he is going out and you want contact information. Maybe you can work something out where he texts you when he is leaving after a night out with friends or something.
Post # 16
I’m probably more clingy than I should be. (I ask FI to call me to say goodnight when he is out late with his friends if he can sneak away for 30 seconds. Technically he doesn’t have to but I tell him he gets bonus points if he does so he usually does it.) I think its reasonable to have a phone number for someone at the party besides him in case of an emergency. I also think its reasonable to ask him when he will be home, and to let you know if it turns out he will be home significantly later than he had originally said.
Now if you actually use the contact numbers, thats clingy. Maybe this is a weird place to draw the line, but let me explain. Having a contact number and not using it is fine. But if you use it to check up on him or because he’s running a little late, than that comes across as clingy. (If you use the contact numbers because something crazy really did happen than of course thats fine.)