(Closed) DH watched porn after we agreed that watching porn was cheating

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
8316 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think the fundamental problem is that you both have different views on porn. Clearly, even though you don’t think it happened, he committed to soemthing that he didn’t fully agree with. Probably out of fear of losing you or in response to your words/view about porn.

This is neither of your faults because you are both entitled to your opinions on the issue. The problem is that if you cannot live with a part of your partner (their views/looks/religion/social habits/whatever) then it is up to you to choose whether you leave the relationship or stay and live with it.

Post # 4
Member
2124 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017

Your usage of checking ‘his’ browser history as opposed to ‘our’ implies you’ve been spying on him, possibly for the last 9 months.  You asked ..

 how do you move past being cheated on and how do you learn to trust again?

.. but it sounds like you already had other trust issues to begin with if you’d felt the need to check up on him as opposed to taking his word for it. But of course I’d be upset too if my other half broke a promise with me when I had made my feelings clear.

I suggest it would be better to confront him now as opposed to letting it build into an unhealthy snooping obsession, but please be reassured that there is no emotional constituent to his viewing at all.

Post # 5
Member
4660 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

🙁 Sorry to hear this.

My honest opinion is that it’s too restrictive, and that a more fair solution would be for both of you to work on it – him to use it less/find other outlets for those feelings and that energy, and for you to try to examine what about these images makes you feel threatened. I don’t think porn is bad, so naturally I don’t see a blanket ban on it to be quite right. (I would be highly offended if FH said I can’t read cheesy romance/erotica anymore!)

If there’s any way you can loosen those feelings a little and maybe just allow text or pictures but not video or something, it might be a compromise easier for both of you to live with.

HOWEVER

I also believe it is absolutely 100% crap to say you’re going to do one thing and do another, and THAT takes precedence here. He shouldn’t have agreed to something he couldn’t or wouldn’t do, and that is the problem that needs to be addressed. This is about honesty and openness and trust, not porn. If he was feeling the need to watch, he should have TALKED TO YOU about it instead of sneaking around behind your back. THAT should be the conversation you focus on with him.

This IS a different situation, because it might be hard for him to internalize porn as cheating the way he automatically internalizes sleeping with someone else as cheating. So I don’t think it should be handled quite the same as cheating. But I think you can’t move on unless he agrees to be more up-front about his feelings and not just try to hide it.

If you still want him to never watch porn, that’s something for the two of you to decide, but he needs to understand that honesty is more important than never screwing up, and more important than wanting something you shouldn’t want.

Persisting in an unnecessary activity that you’ve agreed not to do smacks of dependency to some degree. (Addiction is a strong word, and I doubt it applies, but something milder-but-similar may be involved here.)

Trust will take time to build again, and I wouldn’t let it go without him giving me an active strategy. Something like, “when I want to watch porn, I will tell you about my feeling (for this to work you have to not shame him when he does!)” or something else he can do instead. I don’t know what makes YOU feel good about apologies, but for me, knowing exactly how he will handle similar situations in the future is required. Maybe it can help you too.

Post # 6
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You probably don’t want a response from someone with low standards like me, but if he cheated on you I suggest you leave him.

Post # 7
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

I think this is an absolutely fundamental flaw in your relationship.  It sounds as if he agreed to your demands to try and appease you rather than because his beliefs are the same.  You are trying to change someone to your idea of what they should be and quite frankly that is always a recipe for disaster.  To be brutally honest if the trust isn’t there, if you have such different ideas on right and wrong and if you have such opposing viewpoints, then I really don’t think you are right for each other.  You need to move on and find someone who shares your beliefs rather than is forced into accepting them to keep you happy.

Post # 8
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is a tough one because I guarantee he will 100% do this again.  Whether it be on his phone, his computer, his friend’s computer.  These days it’s literally impossible to monitor behavior like this, and you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to do so.

Obviously he enjoys porn and you see it as a threat to your relationship.  Is it possible for him to give it up?  Sure.  But if he doesn’t see it as a serious offense like you do he might likely start to resent your restrictiveness over time.

He should have never agreed to this knowing that he did not feel the same way as you.  That’s really what your big problem is.  I think it is unfair to expect either of you to change.  You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not… and if not, see where you can compromise.

Post # 9
Member
2124 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017

I think the posts here about leaving your husband are too harsh!!! Too many people give advice anonymously freely over the internet without a lot of thought. This issue can be resolved, but it will take honesty and communication.

Post # 10
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

@MrsYoshida:  I find your response quite harsh to be honest.  I always put thought into any of my responses and in my opinion (and opinions are what the OP asked for) if there is a lack of trust, a big difference in beliefs/values and a desire to change a person within a relationship then the relationship is ultimately not going to work.  If one is not married one should move on in these circumstances.  Communication does not solve everything.

Post # 11
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

Look, this is what you want to hear:

-Sit next to him while he’s on the computer at home.

-Get him a flip-phone without internet access.

-Drive him to-and-from work.

-Go out with him and his friends on the weekends.

-Stand by the door when he’s taking a shower/going the bathroom so you can listen, to make sure he isn’t secretly masturbating (or “cheating”).

And when you’ve finished stripping him of every last ounce of masculinity and privacy, and he leaves you, come on the ‘Bee and post about how to handle a divorce.

 

Oh, you wanted REAL advice?

I strongly urge you to seek therapy. Your own personal insecurities are going to absolutely ruin your relationship. You need to be HONEST with yourself. I’m willing to bet you bullied, guilt tripped, and threatened your husband to follow your new “rules.” Poor guy. He probably doesn’t want to lose you, so he agreed, knowing that he couldn’t keep that promise.

 

Answer this: what if he told you no? What if he said “Hey wife, no. I will not stop watching porn. I will never neglect you or your needs, but sometimes I will watch porn.” Would you have divorced him??

 

 

Do you know that in your previous post that you’ve linked to, you say:

“I know it’s so common and it’s not cheating and it’s a normal part of being a guy,”

…yet in THIS post, you’re saying it IS cheating. 

 
I am givnig you honest, truthful, heart-felt advice when I saw, PLEASE seek therapy so that you can work on your confidence and self esteem and self image. It will greatly improve all areas of your life. 

Post # 12
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@AquaGrey8962:  Wow, this is interesting.  I should have gone back to read the original post.

I am also curious as to how it went from “not cheating” to “cheating”.

Post # 13
Member
855 posts
Busy bee

If it IS cheating to you, then you need to ask yourself what you’d do if you walked in your home and saw another woman in your bed.

Would you leave him? Because if you think these two things are the same, then your reaction should be the same for both of them, too.

Otherwise, you can acknowledge the difference between the two and you are still wanting him to stop doing something that is biologically male.

Are you having sex with him daily? How high is his sex drive?

The problem is that you believe something is wrong, and he doesn’t. Do you like living in a clean house? What if he hated you tidying up and wanted to live in a mess – would you walk around in filth just to please him? No – you’d probably try to, but end up scrubbing the toilet because it’s filthy and you can’t help yourself.

This is YOUR problem, and you should be addressing the issue within yourself, not passing it on for it to be his problem to deal with.

Instead of creating a ‘you must NOT do this’ attitude, you need to figure out a level that you would be comfortable with (and learn to become comfortable with it) and figure out a compromise.

Such as – if you haven’t had sex with him for over 3/4 days, he is allowed to watch porn. That way you both have something to work on. Him not watching porn all the time, and you satifsying the needs that he is seeking elsewhere.

ETA: you are/were TTC right? maybe he wants to think about sex in a sexy contexts, not baby making…

Post # 14
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Watching porn isn’t cheating.

 

Want to bet that even the neanderthals got off watching others have sex? I do. 

Post # 15
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@AquaGrey8962:  +1

I agree that the OP has major insecurities and needs help dealing with them.

Looking at other women may make you feel upset, but you can’t stop him looking. What is the difference between him watching porn, and him fantasizing about a hot co-worker? None, other than that you don’t know about one.

There’s a great saying “It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite from, so long as you eat at home.”

And for all you know, the porn he watched could actually be one of those funny “are you for real?” type things that guys like to laugh about.

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