- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2011
A regular poster, but under cover here for some much needed anon. advice!
The background – I met Darling Husband two days into his decision to stop smoking. I have a feeling a large part of why he kept on the straight and narrow is because I am so adamant in my decision to never date a smoker (no offence, just personal reasons). Now anyone who has quit smoking will know that the longest you should be on nicotine replacement is 9 months … tops! Usually after 6 months you’re supposed to see a doctor. Coming from someone who doesn’t have the ‘addictive gene’, I admit I have a really hard time understanding addiction, and let him go over a year and a half on the pills because he ‘couldn’t quit just yet’.
Eventually after much support and encouragement, he gave them up March 2010 (ETA: the nicotine pills – he never ever had another cigarette after he met me). He was super grumpy at first, but he struggled through it and I was so proud of him and let him know it too! Although I don’t understand, I can certainly appreciate that it was an incredibly hard thing for him to do.
Fast forward to the week of our wedding, early June 2011. He left his bag open on my bed at home, and when I walked in the room I could clearly see that horrible, all-too-familiar box sticking out! I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he brought a bag that he hadn’t used in a while. That was until my curiosity got the better of me, and I had to check the date on the receipt (which was also sticking out). He purchased them in the airport the week we flew out to get married!! I confronted him about it, surprisingly quite calmly. He first denied saying they were ‘old’, but when I told him I saw the receipt he admitted he bought them because he knew the week of the wedding was going to be super stressful and he needed something to get him through it (old security blanket). I had so much to stress about wedding wise, I let it go at that. He promised profusely that as soon as the wedding was over and we flew back home that would be the end of them.
Fast forward 1 month after the wedding (early July 2011). He came home from getting butter and quickly threw the grocery bag under the sink (where we keep them). I heard a ‘thud’ as it hit the floor. The next morning I went to get a grocery bag for my lunch, and guess which one I happened to pick up (seriously not snooping – it was the one on top). The grocery bag from the night before with … a fresh box of nicotine pills in it! I confronted him about it and we had a big argument. I told him I was hurt that he lied to me and he was essentially choosing his addiction over me – he said I didn’t understand and it was none of my business. His father hides smoking from his mother (she knows obviously – it’s impossible to hide) and Darling Husband knows how much I absolutely hate that his father does this. I couldn’t believe he was now doing pretty much the same thing to me!
We hashed it out – he came around and apologised saying he was actually mad at himself and the anger came out projected towards me which was unfair and mean. He also admitted he lied to me when I caught him the first time, as he had actually been taking them for more than 6 months! He swore up and down that he would never ever take them again as he knew how much it hurt me. I asked him why after the last time (when we talked about it calmly) he felt like he couldn’t come and talk to me about it, and admit he was struggling with a problem. He said he was embarrassed about it, but that from now on if he ever has a problem he will come to me straight away. I forgave him, and he promised to throw the whole box out.
Fast forward 1 more month. We moved house last weekend, and I was searching high and low for the bolts to put our bed back together. Darling Husband is one of those guys who shoves things anywhere just to get them out of the way. I literally searched everywhere and then thought because they were the last thing he packed, perhaps he put them in the backpack he takes to work? I didn’t find any bed bolts, but guess what I did find … a box of more pills!! I gave him the biggest benefit of the doubt, thinking they could perhaps have been the ones from July which he forgot to throw out and just shoved them in his backpack as he was hurriedly packing (much like he did with the bolts). I never told him about it, because I didn’t want to sound like I was snooping. Last night he asked me to get the keys from out of his backpack (we have fully unpacked everything now). I didn’t know which pocket he kept them in so I checked all of them. I found the keys, and also a box of pills now half empty!
Bees, I seriously don’t know what to do. It’s not even the addiction part that bothers me – I am absolutely devastated that even after we talked about it twice, he still continues to lie to me and hide it.
I don’t really know what to do or say. We’ve talked about it openly twice, and he’s promised me twice that all the cards were out on the table and that he was going to quit for sure. We have such an open and loving relationship, and this seems to be the only sticking point (and it’s a big one!). I thought about suggesting counselling, but I doubt he would ever go for it. My biggest concern is how to approach him with this – as we have a long commute back home together after work. Obviously I’m absolutely fuming and want to scream and yell at him to stop lying to me! On the other hand, I know how embarrassed he is about it and I really do believe that he is trying and this is just one demon that’s winning him over. So I want to be supportive and encouraging so he feels like he can talk to me about it. I’m just absolutely stuck and could use some words of advice/encouragement.