Post # 1
I don’t really know where to begin…so I am just going to launch into it.
We got married on July 19th this year… Our wedding was blissful followed by an amazing honeymoon in the DR. <3 DH asked one of his life-long BFF’s to be apart of our big day as a groomsmen over a year beforehand. While they have had their ups and downs and seen/helped each other at both of some of their lowest points, I have the most respect for his BFF. He is hardworking, intelligent and just an all around great guy. During our wedding, him and I formed our own cool friendship. I’m not just his BFF’s wife, we are now pretty good friends.
So, going back in time a bit… DH’s bachelor party about 5 weeks before our big day: DH, BFF and some other guys got together, and did the whole guy thing…(baseball game & strip clubs!) DH’s BFF had been in a 2 year relationship at this point in time…Nothing happen, but when DH and BFF got back at 4 AM, BFF stayed in our spare room… who the hell would risk driving at 4AM after consuming a few drinks..? The following morning, BFF leaves to go home…and apparently him staying at our house the night of was a HUGE deal to his GF. They got into it and mutually broke up. Now, DH and I have never really cared for this chick… she was really rude everytime we tried to hang out with them, a raging alcoholic and complained to BFF that he spent too much time with his family… (yet they lived together…?)
Fast forward to now: Since we got back from the wedding and honeymoon; obviously BFF had been hurting. He came out and told DH & I. He had said that he kept getting into arguments with his Ex-GF… her pretty much saying and accusing him of being happy that they broke up and hated him for it… (in my opinion, pretty wreckless and immature…) When you love someone, letting them go can be the hardest step in healing. Now for the fun part!! This chick went to Mexico for a week.. then extended her trip because she met another dude… she unfriended BFF on facebook… then friended him again…just in time to post pictures of her and this new guy… DH and I were so grossly offended! DH and I were talking about it and we were angry for BFF. It sucks to see such a good person and friend be treated like this… Instictively I wanted to message her and tell her that her actions are not okay and it seems like she is intentionally TRYING to hurt BFF and that she needed to start acting more mature about the situation. (and a few choice words!) I did not, but I wanted to!
The other kicker: BFF has a sister a few years younger…she is taking a big step in her life really soon and moving away…and BFF is throwing her a goodbye party…because the EX-GF and BFF’s little sister became really good friends during their relationship, she was invited to this going away shin-dig… (I commend BFF for putting personal feelings aside and inviting EX-GF!) I guess I am worried for BFF because during every step of this breakup, he has constantly been trying to be the bigger person… and EX-GF has not. Hopefully this going away thing will be civil…but DH & I plan on watching her like hawks.
I guess this is really just a rant about how crappy people are. It sucks to see such a good person being maliciously hurt by someone and knowing that it really is his battle to fight. But because we are all so close, it is so hard to not step in and stand up for him.
Sorry for the novel… I just needed to vent all this out and I guess I’m wondering too if any other bee’s have had similar situations and what you did…
Post # 2
Why did BFF accept her re-friend request? He needs to block her and shut her out of his life. Easier said than done sometimes, but he might need to be told that.
Since BFF is the host of his sister’s party, in my opinion he didn’t need to invite the ex. (If ex wants to see little sis, she can see her another time). But yeah, being there for moral support for him is a good idea.
Post # 3
aussiemum1248: I agree! accepting the friend request and inviting the ex to the party goes above and beyond “being a bigger person” and starts to look like wanting to stir the drama pot.
It’s ok for you to be mad at your friend’s ex if she has been acting like a jerk, but at the same time, maybe you should advise your friend to cut her out of his life completely if he wants the drama to end.
Post # 4
Stay out of it. You don’t know their relationship, you only know his side of it. And he’s the guy who willingly dated *a raging alcoholic* for two years.
Post # 5
Sorry but you are not part of their relationship, I find it strange that you are so involved with your husbands friends personal life, he’s a grown man and I’m sure he can make his own decisions about who he chooses to date, she probably knows him better than you do. Oh and referring to his partner of 2 years who he lived with as a raging alcoholic is beyond rude.
Post # 6
To be honest if my partner,whom i lived with,didnt show up home after a night out,id have gone batshit crazy too.Yes obviously i wouldnt want him to drink and drive but it seems no-one bothered to let her know?
Just because a couple live together it doesnt mean he can be out spending all his time with his family
Raging alcoholic?Your opinion or fact? Because one fact thats clear is that he was with her for 2 years,lived together and was clearly in no rush to end the relationship
I think this is a definite case of ”two sides to every story” here and so i would strongly suggest staying well clear
Post # 7
Yes, some of her behaviors might not sound the most mature — but neither is not coming home. Just because your husband’s friend chooses to celebrate, it doesn’t mean that he can’t also choose to be responsible about it: Drink less, go home early, whatever. Having lower expectations because she’s “just the girlfriend” doesn’t fly if they’re serious enough to be living together. She’s the one who deals with him on an everyday basis and has seen both his good AND bad sides, whereas all you see is whatever he chooses to present to you out in public.
Speaking of which, how are you “pretty good friends” with this guy? You said that “during the wedding” — which happened exactly a month ago — you “formed [your] own cool friendship.” Sorry, but the last time I was suddenly “pretty good friends” with somebody after only a month was elementary school.
Frankly, you need some boundaries. It isn’t really your business, and you are incredibly pissed off on behalf of someone that you don’t know very well. And talking about his significant other (at the time) the way that you do? I’m surprised she wasn’t also pissed at you and your husband. I sure would be if I were her. If either of you has ever said anything to your husband’s friend, or in any way given the impression that you don’t really care for her, then you’ve actively interfered in their relationship.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
Agree with PP you should stay out of it. There’s two sides to every story and you only have his. Your friend is a grown adult capable of making his own choices and defending himself. You two being so involved sounds too high school to me.
Post # 9
aussiemum1248: + 1, and then some!
When you re-friend on Facebook, you are virtually saying, “step back into my life”.
stronger-now1: It would be interesting to know how OP can determine this girl has a drinking problem. Also, if the boyfriend touched base after the bachelor to say he wouldn’t be home. However, if the girl is a little crazy, I agree with aussiemum1248.
Post # 10
Some PP are right about some things and then there are others I disagree with. In this situation yes it is a bit one sided but with typing and trying to shorten a long story facts get missed out. First off if he didn’t call home to tell his EX he was staying over then yes she had right to get mad…but if he did he was respectful enough and she knew where he was (some ppl would still be mad and felt he should’ve come home just IMO)… On a everyday/habit situation yes honestly it would piss me off but if this isn’t a normal situation and if he did let her know I personally wouldn’t see it as a huge problem.
Another thing is you can form a friendship on a month. There were some of FI friends who I would only talk to when were together I didn’t see them much otherwise but a friend of FI and I ended up in the same class at school and build our own friendship from there we already knew each other but it was always in association with FI but now we have our own friendship…she may have known the friend for years but in recent time really got to know him outside of being DH friend and is now a friend of her’s not just DH.
Also fact of the matter is no matter what she (the EX) did/is doing or is acting isn’t anyone business even your friend (not trying to be mean just what I personally believe)…the day they broke up she was no longer his problem and vice versa. I personally wouldn’t have accepted her friend request after i was blocked, but I do feel like he is the bigger person inviting her to his sister’s going away party because he shouldn’t let his personal feelings get in the way if his sister and EX still have a good relationship. You sound like the kind of friend I am and only wants what best for the people you care about and to some ppl it may seem that you are getting into something you shouldn’t. Be there for him but don’t look for any trouble enjoy the party and stay away from the drama.
Post # 11
meowmeow071914: My advice for the party is not to watch the ex-GF like hawks, just stick to BFF like glue, be fun and funny, make sure he has a good time and help him with host duties. If you’re close to him the whole time, she won’t have a chance to cause him any trouble.
Post # 12
242beauty: Regarding going home or not after the bachelor party, I think what’s more important is the agreement between the two people in the relationship. Clearly, either there was no agreement here, or it had been breached.
I don’t mean that they can’t form a friendship within a month, but whether or not that friendship is close enough to warrant interference is another matter — with the additional understanding that it is difficult to have a helathy relationship if one or both partners constantly allow others to get involved. As this is more dramatic than dangerous (truthfully, this doesn’t seem any worse than many other immature breakups), I don’t think so. Friends may think they’re helping when they do it… but how many people would be okay with it if it were their partner’s parents getting involved? (Not judging, just pointing out that it’s not that different; interference is interference, whether or not it is well-meaning.)
Post # 13
meowmeow071914: I’m not really sure what this has to do with you….? They are all grownups? They are responsible for their own choices? Well, then you be a shoulder to cry on, and pretty much stay out of other people’s affairs. Breakups suck, they’re messy, but guess whose business they are? The two people breaking up and NO ONE ELSE!! No one knows what happens in a relationship other than the two people. I suggest you use this wisdom when offering solicited advice.
Post # 14
I assume BFF is a grown man who makes his own life decisions and I suspect the ex-GF would have a completely different perspective on the relationship and other things you’ve addressed in your rant. Stop inserting yourself into other peoples’ lives and maybe you wouldn’t be so upset.
Post # 15
ALL: I guess I should have been more clear.
1. BFF did text GF that he was “uncomfortable driving and wanted to play it safe and stay at our house”. she apparently said “okay sleep well…” So isn’t attacking him the next morning a little condescending after saying “okay”? BFF has expressed these feelings to me and DH.
2. I am of the philosophy that friendships if they are meant to be are not measured by quantity of time but QUALITY. Friendships, much like the people are in them, are each unique to their own. I’d imagine when you have someone who is willing to open up to you about an intimate problem in their life, you’d want to nurture that friendship…especially if they are also close with DH. (and now you!)
3. I am not interfering or had any direct contact with EX-GF. And of course that means everything has been one sided since BFF has been telling us everything. I will own up to it.
4. Raging Alcoholic Comment: I have seen her on many occassions inhebriated and make some terrible decisions…such as drinking and driving and screaming when BFF took the keys (and was sober) to drive them both home. Another incident that DH witnessed (DH & BFF were going to a baseball game) was BFF having to drive 2.5 hours out of the way to bring her a spare set of keys because she got too intoxicated at a concert and lost hers. Upon arriving, she apparently did not even say thank you. She also made some snide remarks in front of DH about how we got engaged so fast & thought we were jumping the gun… I tend to think that it was really a shot at BFF for being in a longer relationship, but still no ring. Hungover or not, that is still very rude and petty. BFF said to DH in the car: “this is a weekly reoccurance, she gets drunk, loses something and wants me to come rescue her”
5. Party: Of course we are going to be by his side supporting him…The watching like a hawk comment was out of line. I guess what I was trying to convey what many pp’s said… be there to support BFF, help with host duties & stay out of the drama.
6. Social Media Shenannigans: Yes it was BFF’s choice to accept the friend request from EX-GF…but why would you send it to someone when you are still abroad & posting pics with new man candy…? I guess the timing was all too perfect…and BFF told me he felt like that was the reason why she sent it to him… was to purposely make him feel bad. I will never know her side of the story…but to me that just doesnt seem fair to anyone.
BFF is a grown man pp’s. DH & I get that. He is bound to make whatever decision he makes. And all we can do is support whatever decision(s) he does. We are only involved because he has reached out to us…asking for advice, a place to stay & someone to distract him from feeling so low. We have told him numerous times to cut ties completely… but the decision is his. Like I said before…it sucks to see someone close to both of you to be hurting and being hurt by someone that had a great impact on their lives for the better part of 2 years. DH & I will always be on standby for BFF when he needs it.