DH's dad disowned him last night

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2325 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I haven’t got much time but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you and DH are going through this. 

Just from reading this quickly the first thing that springs to mind is that your DH’s SM is controlling the situation. I may be completely wrong, but if FIL really feels this way then he needs to talk to your DH about it, not hiding behind his wife and his phone. Has he always felt this way regarding DH and brother? How long have he and MIL been split and how long have he and SM been together? Do thy have any children of their own together?

Post # 5
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Christ situations like this make my blood boil.

My mother pulled the same crap on me and my brothers when she seperated from my father.  She made us ‘choose’…I’d only just got married myself, the week before, and returned from my honeymoon to all hell having broken loose.

I was only just 21, so sadly I let my mother dictate to me…and it’s now 24 years later and I’ve had no contact with my father since.

SM needs to mind her own fucking business, and let FIL fight his own battles.  How childish and spineless is FIL, to get her to do his dirty work?  Your DH should refuse to discuss this any further with SM, apart from telling her that he will only deal with FIL in future.

Best way to help your DH is to make sure he realises none of this his fault.  It doesn’t matter how old he is, he always has the right to a relationship with his parents.  What happened between them is not his fault, and nothing to do with him.  

Post # 6
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

wow, thus awful, im so sorry youre dealing with this! 

 

i would suggest waiting a week for everyone to cool doeb and then having yoir husband write his dad a letter.people can say stupid things and escalate situations very quickly over the phone, perhaps being able to write thinvs out will allow the couple to really ‘hear’ him. 

 

i’d be very careful to lay out thw issues respectfully and go through them one by one exolaining that your husband has been doing the best he can in a tricky situation etc. hopefully having it in a letter will allow them to read it over more than once and reflect on his thoughts without needing an immediate response

 sorry for the typos, im on my phone

Post # 7
Member
7262 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Wow, what a childish way for a parent to behave! Talk about emotional abuse…they are being so passive agressive and manipulative. I’m seriously shocked that a parent could act that way. I’m so sorry for you and especially your DH.

 

Post # 8
Member
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Your DH father is being mentally abusive as well.

Post # 9
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@MrsCE:  I’m sorry this is happening to you. I feel the foundation of any relationship is communication and trust, and it doesn’t sound like that is happening with your DH and his dad. If there is a problem, then the two of them need to talk – having someone in the middle is not helping the situation.

The one thing in life we can’t control is other people’s actions and we will drive ourselves crazy if we try. If your DH’s father has made his decision, then that is something everyone will have to live with. I don’t feel begging is ever a good idea – if someone doesn’t want you in their life, then it’s their loss but you still need to accept it.

It sounds like DH’s stepmother has a lot of control in the situation. Your DH should not be forced to choose between his parents. He is an adult, not a little child caught in a custody battle. You say his mother isn’t a great person but his dad sure won’t be winning father of the year either. This is not an appropriate way to treat someone you love.

Post # 10
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Sounds like SM is controlling and FIL is behaving like a child. Life isn’t a popularity contest or about choosing sides, it is about loving the friends and family you have the best you can. FIL will regret his behavior when he is all alone and the world hasn’t come grovelling to him to assuage his ego. It is one thing to have hurt feelings and another to disown your children. Give FIL some space to realize what he’s done and I bet he will come around.

Post # 11
Member
6200 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

Your DH’s dad is the one being manipulative and abusive here. If he didn’t want his children to talk to you MIL, maybe he shouldn’t have had children with her. It was HIS choice to make her the mother of his children, not your DH’s. I honestly wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who cared so little that he would cut me out of his life for speaking to my mother whom he chose.

Post # 12
Member
10989 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Oh, I am so sorry you and your DH are going through this.

I am going to quote a popular saying that I first heard (Christian author and speaker) Joyce Meyer say:  Hurt people, hurt people.  I think that’s what’s happening here.  The ripple effects of years and years of abuse, and the pain of your IL’s divorce and the aftermath of all of these events are starting to be felt in very significant ways.  Some of those who are inflicting pain on others may not even be thinking about that — they may only be thinking of their own woundedness and trying to find a way to make the pain stop.

Although other bees may offer you much better advice on a secular level, as someone whose own life and relationships would not be where they are today were it not for my relationship with God, I will say that I believe that only God can heal many of the deep wounds that we have in our lives and that, once we have experienced His forgiveness, unconditional love, healing, and restoration in our own lives and relationships, then and only then are we able to give that kind of love to others.

I have no idea what your or your DH’s belief system is, but, if I were in your situation, I would pray and ask God to intervene and to bring His healing, love, and restoration into the lives of all those involved. 

HUGS.

Post # 14
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I agree with PP…your FIL and SMIL are being manipulative, passive aggressive and abusive. This needs to be between your DH and his father. Neither his SM or you should be involved more than giving your support to them to make a good decision.

However it does not sound like this is going to happen so for now your DH should just let it go and hopefully his father will change his mind.

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