- 4 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
Regular bee going anon because I share personal stuff on my regular account so I’m easily identifiable. I’m still in shock and I’m utterly confused. I don’t know how to move forward and I don’t know how to comfort DH. I apologize for all the errors- I’m on my phone.
Last night his step mom (SM) called me. She told me that we needed to clear the air and told me all the horrible things that MIL has done over the years. I already knew MIL was emotionally abusive to DH but I never realized the extent and that he had been physically abused as well. This broke my heart finding out how he was treated as a child but then she went on to say that FIL was considering cutting DH and his brother out of his life.
This shocked me so I asked why. She told me that FIL has always felt that DH prefers MIL and that MIL controls DH so it would just be easier to cut DH out. I asked why it was happening now and she said something about the wedding pictures that they received in the mail Saturday.
After further investigation they said there are more pictures of MIL and they think she paid off the photographer. I took a look at the pictures again afterwards and there are not more pictures of MIL than them. Even if there were and even if MIL did pay off the photographer (unlikely) why is this being taken out on DH?
I ended the phone call then and told DH what had happened. He texts SM and asks what is going on and if he can call. She said yes, but call me because your dad won’t answer. Upon hearing this DH crumbled and tried calling and texting his dad repeatedly. Finally his SM called and said his dad didn’t want to talk to him and would no longer be talking to him.
DH was on the phone for an hour trying to get his dad on the phone and trying to figure out what he did wrong. SM gave all kinds of reasons… She said that DH seems distant when he comes over because he doesn’t talk. This is goes personality. He doesn’t talk in social situations, this has nothing to do with his dad or SM. Then she said that DH should stand up to MIL when MIL speaks poorly about FIL. He also does this. I’ve heard him do it. She also said that it hurt them they he stayed with his mom when he came home (before we were married). He tried to explain that he already has a bedroom and spare clothes there but she just didn’t want to hear any of it. She finally told him that if he wanted to continue a relationship with his dad that he should not see MIL unless she stopped talking about FIL.
I agree that MIL should not talk poorly about FIL but asking DH to choose is wrong. DH said that he would ask his mom not to talk poorly of FIL but he would not cut MIL out of his life.
To be clear, MIL is not a good person but DH stands up to her now and she in no way controls him. She does have done medical conditions that should be treated but she refuses help. We keep her at an arms distance but DH doesn’t want to cut her out completely (we’ve actually talked about this before last night due to situations in the past).
Right before bed DH’s dad texted him “you do what you need to do and take your brother with you. Enough is enough.” At that pint DH went from sad to angry. He tells me he doesn’t care but I know he does. I can tell he was crying this morning. I know he is hurt and confused. I’m hurt as well but I realize my loss is nowhere near as big as his is. I hate seeing him this hurt when their is nothing I can do.
If his dad didn’t live 8 hours away DH would have gone and tried to solve this. There isn’t much he can do with FIL refusing phone calls.
I know they are acting ridiculous but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. We do love them and I enjoy spending time with them. This was so out of the blue but they told us they have been feeling this way for a long time.
If you have advice about this I would love to hear it. Would it be too desperate for DH to drive back? I’m not sure he would do that anymore after the text he received but I’m not sure what else to do. I already texted SM (with DH’s permission) but she just repeated herself about DH needing to stand up to his mom (like I said before- he does do this). I texted her back and said it was very unfair for FIL to refuse to explain this for himself. I have so much more I could write but this is already super long so if anything isn’t clear just let me know. My thoughts are so scattered right now that I hope this makes sense.