Weddingbee boards

I feel quite bad venting all of my frustrations to you guys, but before I go and beat this guy (we’ll call him F) over the head with a rubber mallet – I thought I’d get my thoughts on ‘paper’ first to see if that helped my frustration any.

This is *really* long, and I do apologise! For those that make it through, thank you!

It started with DH’s friend F telling us how much he’d love to attend our out-of-continent wedding, and make a holiday of it. F has always been a great friend to DH, but he has always rubbed me in extremely the wrong way (I’ve always been pleasant with him though). F has zero motivation in life, and no disposable income, so naturally we dismissed the possibility of him coming. I should point out that at no point did we encourage him to come, nor did we even INVITE him! About a month later without consulting us, he booked his flight to arrive 6 hours BEFORE ours did, and was staying an entire week after we were leaving. The wedding was planned in my very, very small rural town in the middle of nowhere which we stressed to him before he had bought the tickets (my way of politely discouraging him from coming). He found out my parents were picking DH and I up at the airport (a 4 hr drive) and he thought it would be good to ‘hitch a ride’ with us. A stranger, in a foreign country, with no funds – you’re probably all thinking it would be only polite and fair to accommodate him. So we did, even though it meant my parents (who are too polite for their own good sometimes, and had never even met F) decided to come to the airport 6 hours before we landed just so they could meet him and he wouldn’t have to wait by himself.

For the entire time after he booked the ticket and before we left for the wedding, both DH and I told him over, and over and over again that we would NOT have time to entertain him as we would be busy preparing for the wedding (which was 6 days after we landed).
F contacted my best friend (MOH) whom he had met once, and asked if he could stay with her for two weeks. She knew how much of a stress this guy was for me, so she very generously agreed. She made arrangements to stay with her mother and let him stay in her apartment on his own for two weeks and not pay a cent.

Alrighty – so he’s got a flight, he’s got a free ride from the airport, he’s got FREE accommodation for 2 weeks, and he’s made plans to rent a car and go touring on his own. Should be good, right? Very wrong!

We arrived at the airport, and were greeted by him complaining about how long he had to wait for us (our flight was a bit delayed). My father had bought him a beer and some snacks while they waited though, and he paid an extortionate amount of money in extra parking fees just to spend time with this guy, and yet F has the nerve to complain about waiting and ‘wasting his holiday in the airport’!
My parents stopped for dinner on the long drive home and paid for all of us (including F). He never said thank you. 

We arrive back at my parent’s house, only to find out that F had not made arrangements with my MOH to stay the night he arrived. He had not found out her phone number (I did not have it as we skype now that we live so far away), so we could not contact her. My father drove him to her apartment, but she was not there. We drove down to her mother’s house, but all of the lights were off as it was quite late. My father did not want to disturb them, so he offered to let F stay the night on our couch.

I woke up the next morning to find F sitting on the couch in his underwear reading a book! I should also mention that I have two younger sisters which he knew lived with my parents. DH won’t even go to the washroom at night without putting on pants because he would hate for my parents or sisters to see him in his underwear! F complained that he had ‘been up for ages, and was bored waiting for us to wake up’ (Considering I had quite bad jetlag, I was up at 7:30AM!! That’s plenty early!)
So disgustingness aside, I told him to put some clothes on and we were going to find MOH. My parents insisted on cooking breakfast first – which he again did not say thank you for.
We got him the keys to MOH’s apartment and left him there with instructions on how to get to the town centre/where the grocery store was/etc. and told him we would see him perhaps the next day.

Halfway through the day though he sent DH a text saying he was bored and wanted to come over and hang out with us. I wasn’t okay with this, but my parents felt bad for him and went to pick him up! F always outstays his welcome, and this time was no different. He stayed at our place all day, even though he knew we were celebrating my youngest sister’s sweet 16 birthday. He then proceeded to invite himself to her birthday dinner out! My parents were too polite to say no even though I insisted he should not come. So he came and crashed our family birthday dinner. Again my father paid, and F never said thank you.

This seemed to be the running theme throughout the entire week. F found out my youngest sister’s phone number, and would send her a text when he was bored and ask to be picked up. My parents would kindly go and pick him up, and he would outstay his welcome again at our house and invite himself to stay for dinner. It would get to nearly midnight when my father would insist that he drive F home because everyone was going to bed.

What makes me the most upset is that I only ever get to see my parents once, maybe twice a year. He completely monopolised every second I had with them. If my parents did not pick him up, he would find his way to our house either by walking or taking a taxi, and then stay for dinner every single night!
He complained when we did not invite him to our wedding rehearsal (he did not have a part to play in the wedding), and made such a big fuss over it that my parents felt bad and invited him to the rehearsal dinner. Again, this was paid for by my parents and DH’s parents, and no thank you was ever received.

Throughout the week we kept telling him that it was entirely his responsibility to make sure he found his own way to and from the wedding. The wedding was in a rural location about 45 min outside of town. I told him I did not care how he got there, and gave him a few names of people he could hitch a ride with and the numbers of some taxi companies. I told him that under no circumstance was he allowed to come with us as our cars were full!
So the morning of the wedding came, and I can’t tell you how stressful everything was before the wedding (tornados, hailstorms, power outages, - you name it!). My poor father was absolutely worried and stressed out of his mind! So I am certain he did not appreciate 5 calls from F asking how he was getting to the wedding. My father told him it was not his responsibility to find a ride for F and that he should contact someone else. He kept calling my father because he couldn’t get ahold of anyone else. He called both of my sisters, my MOH and DH’s cell asking how he was going to get to the wedding. I was absolutely livid when I found out that he waited until the morning of to sort out his transportation – and then bothered every single person in the wedding! Thankfully my mom’s best friend (who was also in the wedding, and had never met F) offered to drive him as she saw how stressed out we all were with the situation.

So the wedding went off smashingly in the end – despite all the turmoil in the morning! That was until the reception …
My middle sister is not the classiest of girls, and we have never ever got along. That said – she is still family and she should have been on her best behaviour for the most important day of my life. Halfway through the reception everyone took a break to nibble on late-night snacks, etc. F took this opportunity to dance disgustingly provocative with my sister on the dance floor, making out with her, and grabbing her butt in front of everyone! They were the ONLY ones on the dance floor, so there was no chance that they weren’t going to get caught. Hell, I would have been less mad if they snuck off to a bush somewhere! F is 29, sister is 20. They are both old enough to know better!

I didn’t let it ruin the evening though, but stressed to my father (who by this time had given up and agreed to drive F home after the reception) that under no circumstance was he to drop F off anywhere but MOH’s apartment. He was not to stay with my sister, and was not to have any one over. MOH’s ONLY rule was that F was not allowed to bring any girls back to her apartment. Although for most people this would be assumed, but with F we couldn’t take any chances and constantly recited this rule to him!

The next morning after DH and I came back to my parents for breakfast, I found F’s shirt lying across our couch. I of course questioned my dad, and he told me that F went onto a party with sister, and that my father leant him clothes to wear as F had misplaced the keys to MOH’s apartment (like I said – my parents are so giving and polite; literally giving the clothes off their back to this ungrateful piece of work!).

DH and I were leaving that day, and I wanted to spend some quality time with my parents the morning that we left. Well you can guess that didn’t happen. F ‘happened to be in the neighbourhood’ and crashed breakfast, and then stayed literally until the second we left for the airport.

Unfortunately, this horrible behaviour didn’t even stop when we left. He continued to show up at my parent’s house and ruin the holiday time they had taken to ‘wind down’ after the wedding. He continued to crash breakfast, lunch, and dinner – and did not pay a cent towards groceries or say thank you. He took my sister back to MOH’s apartment every single night after we left; blatantly disregarding the ONLY rule she had set for him.
F never cleaned her apartment before he left, nor did he wash her sheets. He brought his laundry (note: underwear and socks!) to my parent’s house and asked my mom to do his laundry!! My poor sweet mother was so taken aback and polite that she actually agreed!

F finally rented a car after mooching rides off my parents for a week and a half. My father offered him his GPS to use with the rental car so he could go places and not have to worry. F left the GPS in the rental car when he returned it, and never made any effort to get it back! My father called the company when he found out, but of course it was long-gone and no one had seen it. F never apologised and never offered to pay for a new one.
DH insisted F write a thank you note to my parents and get them a gift for all that they did for him. F scribbled a quick thank you card, but that was it.

DH is obviously mad at F, but no where near to the extent that I am. I am absolutely disgusted at how ungrateful, selfish, and rude one person could be. I can’t believe how much he took advantage of my parent’s good and giving nature, and then repaid them by feeling up their daughter in front of all of their friends and family and being so careless and losing such a valuable item that was leant to him.

When I found out about the GPS, I emailed F straight away and demanded that he apologise to my parents and offer to pay (my parents of course would be too polite to accept, but he should still at least make the offer!). I haven’t told him all of the things that I have listed here, as I cannot fathom wasting so much energy on someone that will never actually ‘get’ how ungrateful and rude they are!

Of course our paths are going to cross in future at friend’s functions – but I have made it clear to DH that he will never be welcome in our house. DH has agreed, but said that he will still continue to be friends with F and see him outside of our house. Of course I can’t stop this, nor can I discourage him from spending time with F. I loathe him with every fibre of my being, but he is DH’s oldest childhood friend and is accustom to F’s rude ways. DH says that F is just immature and doesn’t know any better. I think 29 is plenty old enough to know some basic manners!  

We are having an ‘in-country’ reception in a few months and I absolutely do not want him anywhere near my parents when they visit as he would certainly ruin another (very expensive) holiday of theirs. I also adamantly do not want to invite him to our 2nd reception after his ‘performance’ at our first one, but I know DH will feel bad not inviting him.

Sorry this is so long – but if you have any advice on the following, I would love to hear it!
a) whether or not to waste my time telling F why I am so angry with him. He told DH he doesn’t understand why I am not speaking to him/did not invite him to my birthday dinner out with friends.
b) whether I should stand by my principles and not invite him to the reception, or play peace-keeper with DH and invite him? 

All of our mutual friends actually feel the same as I do towards F, as he is always ‘showing up’ at their houses around dinner time and inviting himself in to stay. When we go out for dinner, he orders the most expensive meal with all the trimmings and loads of drinks, and then asks us all to ‘split the bill’ (even though none of us had fancy meals or any drinks). He is constantly asking DH for rides when we go out for dinners so that he can drink and not have to worry about being responsible. I’ve spoken to my friends about this, and they completely agree and support my decision not to have him at the reception, so there is no bad blood there. Their husbands who are friends with F will always continue to be friends with him though as they too are ‘just used to how he is’.

Thanks for listening Bees! It definitely feels a bit better to get it off my chest!

@TamiN:

Thanks so much for reading my vent and your input! It’s taken me over a month to even be able to talk about it without my blood pressure rising to unimaginable levels!
It’s not a matter of DH really wanting him to be there– but DH is one of those guys that hates to ‘rock the boat’, and would be afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or causing  any bad blood within his circle of friends. If I stood my ground and told DH that F was definitely not welcome at the reception, he would probably support me, and in the end be grateful F wasn’t there. At the same time I don’t really want to put DH in the position of hurting someone’s feelings (even though I definitely feel they deserve to be hurt!). I am more than happy to take full blame/responsibility if F ever asked why he wasn’t invited - and I suppose that is when I would have to tell him about all the horrible things he did that were inappropriate. I guess I just wanted some outsiders’ points of view before seriously talking to DH about it again. So thank you :)

Haha I always write way too much and have a hard time editing things down.

The main points are:

1. DH’s friend F invited himself to our overseas wedding – arriving before us, and staying an extra week after we left.

2. He sat around my parent’s house in his underwear with my two younger sisters living in the house.

3. He asked MOH if he could stay at her apartment rent-free for two weeks (she graciously said yes, and she stayed with her mother).

4. He invited himself over to my parent’s house every single day and invited himself to stay for dinner (never once saying thank you). He monopolised every minute I had with my parents, knowing that I only got to see them once or twice a year.

5. He crashed my sister’s 16th birthday family meal out.

6. My parents paid for him to eat out with us (as a family) multiple times when he invited himself, and he never said thank you or contributed.

7. He harassed my father, MOH, sisters and DH the morning of the wedding because he hadn’t made arrangements to get to the venue.

8. He made out with my sister and groped her on the dance floor in front of everyone (there was a break in the dancing for snacks, but the DJ played on and everyone was watching).

9. He took my sister home to MOH’s apartment every night, even though her only rule was that he was absolutely not to bring anyone back to her place.
He brought his dirty laundry (socks and underwear) to my mom and asked her to wash them.

10. He borrowed my father’s GPS and left it in the rental car when he returned it. He never apologised or offered to buy my father a new one (my dad contacted the company and of course the GPS was long gone)

Now we have to decide whether or not to invite him to our 2nd reception in this country. DH wants to only because he’s afraid of hurting F’s feelings. I definitely do not want him there after what he did to us during the wedding week.

@so_said_ellie: Oh I know - we're moving house in a few weeks (back down to where all our friends live), and I am CERTAINLY not telling him where we live. I have no problem with confrontation, and if he ever showed up at our house I'd tell him to bugger right off! My parents on the other hand, are super super polite and sweet people that will do anything for anyone, so I feel incredibly bad that he was so ungrateful and rude! I should have told him he wasn't welcome at the wedding right from the get-go, because I knew what he was like. I didn't think he would be *this* bad to complete strangers though!

@jumpthegun:I feel the very same way. My parents however were trying to be incredibly accommodating because they knew he wasn’t extremely well-off, and they saw it as him having travelled all that way just to be with us for the wedding. I saw it as: free-loading ‘friend’ wants a free holiday. I definitely do not tolerate his crap though, and whenever he does something rude (ask DH for a ride home after drinking, ask us to split a bill when he’s consumed way more than anyone else, etc.) I always raise my voice and tell him how it is. I was so stressed with the wedding that I didn’t have much fight left in me – and although on more than a few occasions I told my parents not to let him walk over them, they didn’t want to be rude to a foreign guest. DH thinks I’m quite rude to F, but you honestly have to tell this guy point blank with no sugar coating when he is being awful. I do feel slightly bad because obviously his parents did not teach him any manners!

@accorn: This is definitely a big concern –he obviously shows up uninvited everywhere else so what is going to stop him from showing up at the reception uninvited? I hate the thought of having to worry about someone watching the door though, and acting as a bouncer!
We are having an open bar (much like the wedding) so I can just see it ending in complete disaster if he is invited!

@jumpthegun: Very true! Thank you for the advice! I have spoken to my parents about it, and they kind of brush it off as ‘no big deal’. I know my parents well and they are too good natured to tell me even if he was a bother. Although they are very accommodating, they don’t usually let people take advantage of them though – so it’s definitely a weird situation.

I always give him a dose of his own medicine when I can, but you’re right that all of his friends need to be on board as well. They are in the mindset of ‘he doesn’t know better, it’s just how F is’. It honestly confuses him if someone is rude back to him though. It is like he seriously does not know right from wrong. Like I said – he doesn’t know why I am mad at him and have decided not to invite him to my birthday dinner. If everyone started being rude, he’d probably think it some big conspiracy against him! Ha!
The girls are all like me – and don’t tolerate his crap either. The boys though have just accepted him as he is, and let him tag along everywhere. It’s a bit tricky because all of the girls have married into this circle of guy friends, and I don’t think anyone wants to be ‘that girl’ that causes serious drama!   

all I have to say is PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. obviously DH is too polite and kind to do this. DO NOT INVITE HIM TO YOUR second reception. this guy is a joke. I can't believe he did that to you and your families, he is so classless. I would be so furious I would probably even tell my FI that I would punch this guy in the face if I ever saw him let alone near any of my family memebers again.. I can't believe he is 29.. If he did this overseas, he'll do it even worse on his own territory!

@rachgirl82: Thanks very much! I whittled it down as much as I could, but thought you bees needed the full story to grasp just how unbelievable this guy is!

I have absolutely no idea how I managed not to go off the deep end – especially when I was eyeballs deep in last minute wedding arrangements! That whole week I was uncharacteristically calm – it was very very surreal!
My favourite part of the whole thing was when he sat me down on a chair he put in the middle of the dance floor just after dinner and ‘presented’ my wedding gift to me in front of everyone – a bouquet of flowers. I am actually surprised he even thought to get anything for us, but he made such a spectacle about it and made me pose with it while he got my professional photographer to take pictures of me with it! It was the most mortifying, ridiculous thing in the world! I let him have one picture and then quickly tossed the flowers on the cake table. I should be grateful he got us a wedding present … but who gives the Bride flowers on her wedding day? My other guests didn’t sit me down and present me with a cheque, making sure everyone took notice that they gave me a gift! Just another ‘wtf’ to add to the growing list.

God, I’d love to sit him down at our reception in front of HIS friends, and ‘present’ him with his gift – a list of all the horrible things he did to us during our wedding week! That would definitely shame him! (although it would make a bit of a mess out of our wedding reception! Haha)

I’m thinking it might be easier to invite him – because then at least I know where he will be, and there will be no ‘surprise! I’m here for dinner’ turn-ups. I hate the thought of making drink tickets, but there is no way he’s drinking another one of our bars dry so I might just have to. 

@MrsSl82be: The only reason I would want him at the reception is that it is better the demon you know. I would hate for him to make yet another scene at our second reception by trying to crash it. I think I might have to delegate someone at the wedding as ‘bouncer’ and keep an eye out for him to intervene before he even steps inside the room!

@MsJeep23: We ask ourselves that question over and over again – how the hell has F survived thus far. My father has always said (and actually at one point said this to F) that “God protects children and fools”!
I can't tell you how angry I am that he found out my little sister's phone number and harrassed her all week (to ask my parents to come pick him up, etc.) She's only 16, and was in school every day!!

@zippylef: Haha! Please could you – someone needs to knock some sense into him, and I don’t think I’d hack even a night in jail. At least you could flee the country ;)
My parents (and I) are Canadian – that would explain the UBER politeness and need to be super accommodating and kind.  

@finnaroo: I’m pretty sure the only reason they’re still friends is because they have been since they were like 5 years old. F even used to bully DH in middle school – I have no idea why he still continues to hang out with him; I think he just feels sorry for him. Ever since we have been together though, it seems as though they’re growing apart as DH is finding it harder and harder to find common ground with F, which I am eternally thankful for!

Thank you all so much for your help and support! DH and I had a talk about it last night, and although he said he would like him to attend, he told me it was my decision whether or not we would invite him. He completely understood if I did not want him there, as my reasons were more than just. I asked him why he would want F there after his behaviour and what he did to my family – and DH had a hard time coming up with any solid answers. I think he’s finding it really difficult to continue to defend his ‘friend and the justification of ‘he doesn’t know any better’ is starting to wear really thin with DH now, as it should! The guy is 29 years old, and everyone else around him has grown up and matured. I don’t see why his friends should be continuing to excuse his behaviour as F is one of the oldest ones out of the bunch!  DH said he was going to call him today and have a chat with F about his behaviour as he feels that it should be his place to speak to him and also explain to him why he is not invited to our rehearsal. I doubt this will have any bearing on how F continues to act – but at least we are making a stand and letting him know we will not continue to tolerate his disgusting behaviour. I just hope everyone else starts to follow in our lead as well, as this guy has been without consequences for his actions for far too long.  

I am really grateful I do have such an understanding DH (and such a fantastic supportive bunch of ladies on the Bee to turn to for advice too!). I’ll keep you posted on how the convo goes!   

@kimbo89: I would love for you to come and be our bouncer! haha

@Baileyh: I definitely commend you for giving your ‘friends’ three strikes. When I finally get to the point of needing to give out strikes, all of my patience goes completely out the window and they are only given one strike