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Hi all,
I haven't been around the hive much because of some personal and financial issues. Lucky my FI has been wonderful through all of it, and things are starting to look up. There is one thing that has really been bothering me, though, and I'd like honest opinions on our situation.
We're set to get married in September of 2012. Over a year away! We are okay with this, because we live together and we're paying for the wedding ourselves, which means lots of scrimping and saving.
The problem is I've been having some health problems, and the way FI's insurance works, I can't be included in it until we're married. I'm a student and only working part-time at my old job. I've looked into our student benefits and plans, and they're all outrageously expensive.
We'd like to go to the courthouse soon, and get legally married. But we JUST signed for our reception location, and we put down the deposit for their caterer as well. Plus, we really looked forward to getting married in front of friends and family. I'm so torn because while I have no problem with getting legally married and then still having the ceremony, I would feel weird about accepting gifts. Everyone already talks about our upcoming wedding, and how excited they are, and exchanging vows in front of family and friends would mean so much to us.
How can I balance this out? Is there a way to still celebrate without looking ridiculous walking down the aisle in a white dress?
Okay. Here's my perspective:
My husband and I got legally married a few months before our wedding so that we could buy our home together. We'd gotten some not entirely correct information about our loan, and that was the stipulation. By doing it, we were able to purchase our first home and we just considered it "getting our paperwork done early". If I had it to do over again, honestly I'd do the same thing.
That being said...I wish that circumstances had been different so that we could have exchanged vows and been introduced as husband and wife for the first time on our wedding day. I think that some of the excitement was taken out because we didn't do the traditional route BUT, there was a more important purpose in the works and I respect and understand that. In your case, my personal opinion is that your health is more important.
If you feel weird about accepting gifts, then by all means don't. However, many of your friends and family will want to provide you with a gift, regardless of when the legal bonding occurred.
Thank you MissHelen! It seems like what you struggled with is exactly what I am as well. How did your friends and family react when you told them?
I've known a few friends to get legally married before their actual wedding day. I dont see a problem with it and if its something to do with your health, GO FOR IT!
Medical services are expensive with insurance, let alone without it! Your friends and family should understand if its something serious with your health.
Good Luck :)
We got legally married a full year before our big religious ceremony and have zero regrets. We did it for financial and health insurance reasons.
We never told anyone. It's our little secret because we figure it just doesn't matter. Saying our vows and sharing the day with our friends and family meant the world to us and was meaningful to everoyne - who cares that it was "legal" before then? To us, signing a piece of paper in advance didn't take awy from the significance or publically declaring ourselves husband and wife.
We did what we needed to do to take care of each other and successfully build our life together, and to me that's what marriage is really about.
Well we only told a handful of people off the bat since we wanted to leave the event as "untainted" as possible. We told my parents and his sister and brother-in-law. They were all cool with it. Actually, my Dad was very proud of us since he's a practical man and he saw it as us working together toward a common goal - which of course it was. He still talks about what a smart move it was. My Mom felt disappointed that she wasn't there, but that's to be expected. Later on we told a few friends, and there wasn't a single person that didn't completely understand why we did it. I think it's likely you'd have the same reaction if you chose this route. Are you worried that people would think this is a gift grab because you're already married?
ETA: ladyox <--- what she said.
Some of the threads I've read on this topic have bees saying you'll be lying on your invites if you get married beforehand, or that, as a guest, they would not be happy if they found out that you were married before what they considered watching you getting married. That said, I think that's a load of crap. If you need to get married beforehand for personal reasons, do it. As a nicety to your guests, however, I would mention on your wedding website that you were legally married earlier - have it as part of your story - and also phrase it on your wedding invites/STDs so that it's not a legal ceremony (you could phrase it "union" or something).
I also agree 100% with @ladyox.
I am legally married right now. My wedding is next year. I look at it like this.. we are married in the eyes of the court but not in the eyes of god. So we are doing that in front of family :)
@MissHelen: yes, and I should probably just get over it! I think I feel guilty because my first instinct was not to tell anyone but our parents and siblings. But I feel like maybe that would be gift-grabbing unintentionally? Like if someone wouldn't have seen it as a wedding, then? I don't know... I think I'm just stressed about everything and this isn't helping! For what it's worth, my FI is really on board with it and doesn't think it'll detract from our family wedding, but he is worried that his parents wouldn't approve.
Thank you so much for your input everyone, I'd really like to hear any other opinions or thoughts as well.
@bellagio: I agree. You have to do what's right for YOU.. not your guests. If you want to work it out with your immediate family ahead of time, that may be worth while. But as for the rest of the guests... it really doesn't concern them. Your health is more important.
@tee22: Completely understandable. Really quick I just want to tell you about a real life gift grab so you can compare and contrast (um....really just contrast) with your situation.
An old friend of my family was getting married to his girlfriend of two years. My mother scraped together $300.00 for a gift on their registry and that Mom had been told the bride really wanted. A month later they filed for divorce. We found out from the family friend later that they only married because the bride wanted the presents. And no, none of them were returned to the gift givers.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaay different from your circumstances.
@ Bellagio and RR: Absolutely.
We're having a destination wedding in Mexico but got married at the courthouse three weeks ago. Mexico has different restrictions when you get married there and we wanted to bypass those.
Our immediate family knows what we did and support us. My mother was a little taken aback at first but once we explained the reasoning she was fully on board.
I wouldn't change a thing. Even though I know we're married it doesn't feel like it because we haven't had our wedding yet. Our families weren't there, I didn't walk down the aisle or wear a wedding dress, etc.
Good luck with your decision!
@misshelen - Whaaaaaat? That's insane.
I'm not legally married yet, but we will be going to the courthouse 3-6 months before our ceremony, for immigration purposes. A few of my friends will know and my mom, but no one else. I think of it as just the legal portion and not the spiritual part of the committment. It's what we have to do so we can satisfy the government (and also so he can get on my insurance as soon as possible, just in case).
A friend of mine married in France and was required to have a legal courthouse ceremony before the church ceremony. She kept it a little hush-hush, but no one thought any less of her church ceremony and reception. I say do what you need to do and just tell a select few. At the end of the day, HOW you get legally married is really not that important.
@tee22: I'm in a similar boat but the situation is reversed, I have pretty good health coverage through my job and FI needs to have some dental work. Our wedding is at the end of August and we've been toying with the idea of getting legally married now so that he can get on my insurance.
I didn't think that I would have a problem with it, but now I'm a little sad that my parents won't be there when get our marriage license. FI made me feel a little better about it when he pointed out that going to a courthouse just takes care of the legal paperwork, the real meat of our wedding is when we make our marriage vows in front of our friends and family.
The way I see it exchanging vows in front our our loved ones will still be special whether whether it's brand new or we've been a legally married couple for a few months already. I say go for it, your health is what's important.
My wedding coordinator mentioned that someone who isn't legally able to marry people can't perform a wedding ceremony.
My wedding is scheduled for July but my husband and I got married in April (our 6 year anniversary) because we wanted our very good friend to perform our ceremony. She isn't ordained but a preacher's daughter who knows us very well and is a great public speaker.
Does anyone know if my coordinator is right? Are there restrictions on who can perform a ceremony? Our friend won't be "pronouncing" us anything. She has done two friends' weddings and those (grandparents) they didn't tell, were none the wiser about the fact it wasn't legal on the big wedding day.
If you two are already living together i don't see the problem. I'm married now and went the leagal route, but for different reasons. My husband and I are renewing on our one year annivesary with our friends and family. Everyone in our families know about it and they are all fine with it. You can choose to not register for gifts becasue it's really just to help get you started. I'm not registering at all partially becasue I'm already married, and I'd have to lug it all back from Wisconsin to California along with xmas stuff and left overs from the wedding. And instead of doing a card box we are just going to have a basket just in case someone gives us a card, but we are letting our guests know while gifts are appreciated they are not expected. I read about a bride that registered for some things and gave the list to her parents becasue they had people asking what the couple wanted. Good Luck! :)
If it makes you feel any better you really arent saying any major vows at the court service. We basically said we do or I do and then it was done. I am looking forward to our renewal in a few years we havent decided if we want to wait 5 or 10 years. My husbands grandmother doesnt feel that your are really married until its done in a church and sealed with God. I am looking forward to the vows we say with the big man upstairs.
People who love you aren't going to care. People that don't, well... they shouldn't be there! I think it's totally fine to get married first...
My cousin did actually, she was pregnant and wanted to be married for various reasons, then years later when their son was a few years old they had a traditional wedding, in the church, then off to reception, did it all...
And I just read another thread about vow renewals and people sending out STDs for it only a year after the wedding... if that is ok, then what you would like to do should absolutely not be a problem, you know?
I think you should do whatever makes you happy and go for it!
My FI and I will have a civil ceremony before our wedding in Mexico because I don't want to wait 4-6 months for my wedding certificate and THEN have to translate it and make it legal in my own country. Screw that!
we are going to go to the court house a week before we leave for our DW. Then I am filing to have my ID changed to my new (eekkk!) name so that it will be in the works and maybe some will be in my mailbox when I get home!
@tee22:We did this, but I called everyone (I mean everyone) before we did it to ask for their perspective and their advice.
Everyone pretty much said,
"so long and you're still having a party and you're inviting me, go for it."
I agree with
@MissHelen: that I would do it again, but it does cause some awkward moments with new people we meet and random stuff. However, it's only 7 months out of our lifetime, and after our wedding, it'll all the be same anyway.
I'm with Dr Suess:
Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
Oops, from Wikiquotes!
Bernard Baruch in response to a question by Igor Cassini as to how he handled the seating arrangements at his dinner parties, as quoted in Shake Well Before Using: A New Collection of Impressions and Anecdotes Mostly Humorous (1948) by Bennett Cerf, p. 249; the full response was "I never bother about that. Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." This anecdote is also quoted online at Chiasmus.com. It has also become part of a larger expression, which has been commonly attributed to Dr. Seuss, even in print, but without citation of a specific work: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I'm so glad so many people have done this! my "FI" and I are already legally married, it happened last november. (I continue to call him FI because it's easier to do so on wedding bee). I’ve seen so many posts on WB talking about how this is dishonest and awful and blah blah blah. I agree with Bellagio: it is a load of crap!
we did this because we were starting to worry about my FI's immigration status. (I'm happy to report that he now has his green card, so now the issue is moot!) also, I wanted his amazing health insurance, it is way better than mine. getting married early saved us tons of money in healthcare even in just a few short months!
We have given it a lot of thought and have decided to keep it a secret for now. our “public” wedding is in august. I see our original marriage as “paperwork”. Our friends and my side of the family are not super sentimental. I don’t think they will weird out at all and the few who do know think it’s awesome. I think a few members of my husband’s side of the family might get bent out of shape. But they have a lot of drama over there, they have taken offense over much, much smaller matters. if they don’t freak out over this, we’ll probably end up doing something one day that will make them freak out anyway, that’s just how they are. But there are also rational people in his family too, we’ll probably get support from them.
I kind of want to keep it in the dark forever in order to spare the parent’s feelings, but we had an awesome Elvis wedding in vegas, and I really would like to be able to talk about it freely one day and post pictures to facebook!
As for gifts: you get gifts when you get married. So, in a way, we’re just getting our wedding gifts a little late.
Signing of the paperwork: if asked at the reception, we are going to tell people that the paperwork was taken care of beforehand. It’s technically true.
@MissSoup: my good friend from college is officiating my wedding. he is not a religious leader or a judge. therefore, he said he is willing to perform the ceremony as if we were getting married for the first time that day. I think it all depends on the circumstances of each officiant.
@MissSoup: As far as I know, your friend just can't legally marry you - that's probably what the coordinator meant. You can rent out space and have a ceremony and do whatever you want. No law against having a party. ;)
@MissSoup: Since you're already legally married, you can have whoever you want officiate your ceremony. If you weren't, she would be correct.
I have been to a couple of wedding where the bride and groom were already legally married, so I believe in the eyes of the church it was called a vow renewal. Those wedding where the people got married for immigration, military reasons etc., I found the guests to still be really supportive of the wedding and of the couple and it didn't seem to matter that they were already married. However I have also been to a wedding where the couple were legally married since they had a child so since they were already married and had a kid a lot of the guests (less than 50% invited showed) seem to be whispering at how gift grabby the wedding seemed.
I think in your situation I would probably due it since it is health related and perfectly understandable. I would just tell only immediate family and not keep it from others but not neccesarily make it public knowledge. Since you have such strong feeling about that moment of becoming husband and wife I would say that you will still have those feeling because in your eyes that is the real wedding.
Have you checked with his company to see if they have domestic partnership health insurance? My guy and me just recently moved and I started my own business so I have it with his company. You just have to prove a couple little things and you are good to go!
@roxy821: that's too bad about the gift grabby thing.
my wedding's purpose is to have a big celebration! we are spending a lot of $$$ to host this wedding, and also to host a big "out of towners" party the night before. we are spending most of our budget on the food and alcohol (and kind of cheaping out on other things like my dress) specifically so the guests have the best time possible. I certainly hope people would not view me as being gift grabby when they find out I was already married befor that day! I'd be so offended :(
as I said above, when a couple gets married, you buy them a gift. I think it doesn't matter when that gift was bought!
if I had some friends who eloped and were planning on not having a big wedding, I'd totally run out and buy them a gift anyway.
Our wedding is going to be in Europe the end of August and to minimize the paperwork runaround necessary to fulfill all the legal requirements there , we have decided to have a city hall legal wedding a couple of weeks before we leave. We arent telling anybody because we just want our guests to enjoy the "real" wedding. I dont feel there is anything wrong with doing this....nevermind for health reasons, do it and don't blink and eye!
Oh man I was/am also in a similar situation... I need to be legally married before I can start working. We went back and forth for a long time about whether or not to get legally married straight away instead of waiting until everyone had saved up enough to fly over. The idea seemed to break my mother's heart and it would have been really hard to hide it because we were planning such an intimate ceremony. We feared people wouldn't come if they knew we were already married - all the way from the US, Canada, Ireland, France, and South Africa.
We thought about it for way too long and at this point its too late because in Scotland you have to give several weeks notice before you can marry, but part of me very much wishes we had just done it months ago.
I'm sorry, I'm new to the site and everything, what does FI stand for? And I have the exact same problem as you. I am a full time student and my school decided to switch provider, doubling the premium! I could not get insurance and I am having some health issues also. My fiance wants to get me on his insurance, but the only way is if we got married. I don't want to have a wedding or even get married yet because I'm only 21 and I feel like it's too soon. I am graduating in August, and continuing with my MBA in the fall, but my fiance is worried about my health. I don't have the money to get insurance, but I'm not sure if I should get legally married. I feel like I'm cheating the system if I do. What are your thoughts?
My husband and I were legally married in 2008. The military wouldnt give us housing unless we were married. We had our big family Catholic wedding May 2010. I really wanted the wedding with my family.
I remember waiting on the stairs to walk down aisle and wondering for just a second if having a wedding was silly (what a time to think about it eh lol). Then I remember when I started to walk and I looked up at all of my close family and friends and how happy they were for me and my husband (they knew that we were legally married in 2008) and it was such an awesome day. I felt supported and loved and for the first time like I deserved to have that wedding!
I think you shouldn't feel bad about having your proper wedding and wearing a white dress.
My Fiance and I are getting married this August in the Register Office, so I can have my visa sorted out by the time we have our big wedding in April next year.
The ceremony in August is going to be just for my parents, his parents and our brothers and sisters. The family knows it's a special circumstance, and that is why we are having a small ceremony.
But then next year we are having the wedding and getting the gifts.
By all means you shouldn't feel awkard about it. Afterall, I assume your guests are all family and close friends, right? So they should perfectly understand your situation.
Good luck and I wish you both all the happiness in the world! :)
A lot of this has to do with cultural expectations and legal customs. I'm from Germany, and here you have to get married legally at a marriage office (Standesamt) first because a church wedding alone is not valid. Most couples schedule the two dates close together (e.g. a Friday civil ceremony followed by a Saturday wedding), but people wouldn't bat an eye if the church wedding were a year later.
FI and I are in the middle of negotiating how and where to get married. Ideally, I think having a civil ceremony in Germany followed by the "white dress part" in the US would be great. That way the family members who are unable to travel far would each have a festive occasion to attend.
The wedding ceremony is a couple promising to care and love another in front of their family and friends. That the marriage license just happens to be signed at the same time is the legal convention in the US. I wouldn't worry about it- legal matters and matter of the heart are not the same! :)
@Alyce: FI means "fiance". some also say:
SO: significant other
FMIL: future mother in law
FSIL: future sister in law
BM: Bridesmaids (that one cracks me up, I'm immature).
I think you might be able to figure out the rest based on the above.
anyhoo-- if you don't feel ready to get married yet, then definitely don't do it! us bees who got married in advance for insurance, immigration, etc, were aslo marrying because we want to be married, and were ready for it. we simply ended up doing it sooner than the planned ceremony for practical reasons. but don't marry a guy just for insurance reasons only. but if you DO feel ready, then do it! it's not cheating the system!
@janie-janie: Hey thanks for much for clarifying! I definitely do want to get married. We both feel that it's better to start planning the wedding and everything after I am done with school. FI (first time using that on here lol) says that it's the insurance companies that makes people like us have to do this anyways. So I guess that makes sense. The only reason I'm hesitant is because I do feel like it's not morally right since I can still get insurance even though for wayyyyy more than if I was on his plan. We will definitely talk about it some more. Thank you!
Personally, I strongly dislike the getting married before the "party" if you are dishonest and try to pretend you are not married. I don't like the message that you are married enough for insurance benefits, but not enough for anything else. Life is about making choices, and one of those is the making adult decisions about insurance and other not fun stuff.
That being said, I think as long as you are honest with people that they are attending a vow renewal, blessing of the marriage, reception, anniversary party or whatever you are ok. I think this means skipping some of the traditional wedding ideas like a bridal party, the introductions, first dance, big gifts, a registry etc.
My step daughter married her FI sooner than they had planned because they became pregnant and she needed his health insureance since he got a job first after they graduated from college. They had already sent out STDs! Her dad and I think that was a very smart thing to do. Life happens!
Some friends of ours from church have been living together and because of the church they had a civil ceremony to make things legit. We just got an invitation in the mail for their "Love Celebration" that they are going to have in place of their original wedding. Most people don't know they are already married. I don't think people will care. I don't! I'm assuming they told their parents since they told us.
My husband and I got married by civil ceremony in April of last year due to immigration time requirements. My in-laws weren't able to make it during that timeframe financially and it was very important to both of us to have them there to celebrate, so we had our family/religious ceremony in October. All of our friends and family knew our situation and we were very up front with the fact that we were already married. It didn't matter one bit to our friends/family! They were so happy to be there to share in the moment even if it wasn't the official one! :)
I wore the white poofy dress, had my dad give me away, had a wedding party, the whole nine yards. :) It happens more often then you think. :)
@Alyce: I still think it's morally right! you intend to get married to this guy anyway, insurance or not. you love him, so it's ok!
This is more common than you think.
Lots of couples Elope secretly, then have the bug shibang a couple years later when you got the money. I think its perfectly fine to keep it a secret OR just tell everyone after the real one happens.
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