Post # 1
We have been married for 11 months and since then I have grown more and more resentful towards my job. I am paid well and we have decent health benefits, but I spend about 3 hours a day commuting and am expected to work extra hours daily and on weekends as the client needs call for, with no additional compensation.
I find it so difficult to be the wife I want to be – to spend enough time with my husband, take care of the home, cook something decent, etc… with such a demanding job. This didn’t really affect me before marriage (I lived alone), but now I just can’t find the balance and it makes the prospect of babies + my current work environment seem impossible!
Have any of you experienced anything similar? How did you handle it?
Post # 3
@glitter86: Does your husband work as well? I am living with my FI and even after we’re married I expect an egalitarian approach to “taking care of the home.” He works, I work, I don’t expect to do it all. We try to split things 50/50 based on what chores we prefer. I cook, he cleans dishes, I do laundry and vacuum, he cleans the bathroom and takes out the trash. Does your husband expect these things from you or is it like a personal expectation?
Post # 4
@love108: My husband works full time and goes to school. He helps where he can and doesn’t demand that everything is perfect. We’ve hired a cleaner who comes fortnightly and I’m grateful for that. However I want to be able to do these things and have them done thoroughly. I also want to be able to connect with him when we’re in from work/school. But long hours and nights of having to work while at home make this so difficult.
Post # 5
@glitter86: you working the way you currently are and having babies might not be possible- that commute sounds redic for a mom. However, is your career as important to you as having kids?
Getting engaged has effected my job because, honestly, I care about it about 10% as much as I did before FI and I got together. I was solely responsible for myself before and was constantly on edge about money, “making it,” saving, sending money to my family, etc. Now that we’re a part of a team, I feel like a lot of the pressure is taken off me. It’s honestly made me a better employee- I’m way happier than I was because I’m not constantly stressed out (which i was doing to myself.) I still take my job seriously, it just doesnt define who I am anymore.
Post # 6
It definitely put things into perspective for me. For one, my job became more important as a source of income. Before I was married, I always knew I could move back in with mom if I needed to. Savings, buying a house, etc weren’t as important. Now, it’s a necessity that we both bring in solid incomes. On the other hand, working long days has become a lot more of a bother. It’s like because I have a better alternative at home, it’s absolutely PAINFUL to stay at work past my 8 hours. I’ve decided that I’d rather have a great work/life balance than a super awesome career. I just want a job where I can put in my 8 hours, get paid a decent salary, and focus on my passions and loved ones the other 16 hours a day. I might never be an executive or CEO, but I find fullfillment in so many other more satisfying ways.
Post # 7
I work extra hours at work all the time, uncompensated, because I’m paid full-time. If you want to be the wife you want to be, then you’re going to have to make some career sacrifices.
Post # 8
@bkrocks13: i relate to you on a number of things! Before marriage I lived alone (in an entirely different country from any of my family) and had similar responsibilities I had to manage myself – rent, car, and sending money back home. Since we’ve been married and have joint incomes I’ve caught a huge break! I know we can survive on only DH’s income but it would mean some serious sacrifices. I want to be a mom more than anything else, but I’ve always been a sort of nerd – scholarship on top of scholarship, my family is big on academics and though I would choose being a mom over being a professional, I just wish I could have them both.
@QueenOfSerendip: you are so right. It is PAINFUL to work an extra second when you have a loving home to go to with someone there anticipating you. I just want to be a nurturing wife and keep connected with my husband but these extra hours get in the way!
Post # 9
I think you may need to dial back expectations on both work and home fronts in order to achieve that balance that you want. For example, is there any opportunity for a job closer to home where you won’t be driving 3 hours a day? That in itself is stressful enough! And with the home, I know you want to do all the homemaker-y things yourself, but adjusting your goals to include more split time with your husband and see it as more of a team thing may be helpful. The truth is, you cannot be 100% homemaker and 100% working woman, and you also won’t be 100% mother when that time comes. You can focus 100% of your attention to whichever of those things you are currently doing, but you have to find ways to compromise your time and energy to get them both done. Or I guess you could just pick one and go full steam ahead for that, and sacrifice the other completely?
I get your situation though, really. I am a graduate student and work full days between classes, lab assistantship, and clinical rotations, plus I write my thesis/papers and study at home during the nights and on weekends. There seems to be no “off” time, and they pay me peanuts. But I knew coming in to this profession that it’s hard on your time, and my husband and I adjusted our expectations so that we are a team in the housework and we make sure to spend as much time as possible together but understand when it’s not reasonable (i.e., I have a test this week so our “quality time” has been me studying with my feet in his lap while he watches Netflix. Not a candlelit dinner, but at least we are together). I hope you find some middle ground that makes you happy 🙂
Post # 10
@MrsWrangler: I love how you work with your circumstances! Last night I sat on the bed with my laptop and DH studied next to me and thankfully his mom brought us dinner. I love her. 🙂
I think I never fully thought about how my career choice would affect my desire to have a family and now that the time is here.. it’s a rude awakening.
Post # 11
@glitter86: Goodness – 3 hours a day communting! I’d be resentful long before I got married. So sorry. My dad did the commuting thing. I do’nt know how people do it.
For me, life is pretty much the same.
I do find it a challenge keeping healthy meals ready to prepare in the house. I have taken on that role. I cook from scratch daily, and I want enough leftovers to cover the next day’s lunch. It’s almost like a part time job! H wants me to teach him some meals so that I can go for bike rides after work instead of feeling obligated to cook dinner. He’d just eat Ramen and a cheese bagel, but that would be a crap dinner for IMHO.
Post # 12
@glitter86: Lucky! We are 8 hours away from our families – we just get pictures of what they are eating sometimes. Not the same!
Yea, I hear you on the rude awakening. We are undecided on children but I know that balancing just our careers and our home life is challenge enough, so I can’t imagine adding in extra little lives. Such a challenge to do it all and keep a decent balance!
Post # 13
Well, after the weddign I went stright into a full time nursing program and also working weekends. I have to say I resent my choices sometimes…I have 7 weeks left and then I”m a nurse…and I’ve quite my weekend job but our first year of marriaage is now coming to and end and it’s a ltitle sad we didn’t get to enjoy it more…but we really did make the most of our time together….and that I have only been able to be the kidna wife I want to be on my breaks from school…but I also can’t imagine staying in a permanent situation I wasn’t happy with so if you aren’t happy…I would make some changes.
Post # 14
@fresitachulita: Hey we are wedding date twins! nice 🙂 Thanks for your advice!
DH and I decided to make a telecommuting proposal. That way the 3 hour commute would be cut out and I would be free to do tons more without the stress of the drive and wasted time. I telecommute already a few times a month – when a special situation arises, but I’m going to ask for a permanent arrangement.
Post # 15
@glitter86: I had a job earlier in the year that had me working ~80 hours a week. I was on call constantly. My boss would think nothing of telling me at 4:59pm I had to stay late, we once pulled a 36 hour shift with no prior notice. I would get calls at 2am for inconsequential stuff. I knew it wasn’t going to get better, so I found a position that gave me a better work life balance.
I still work more than my DH, but that’s life if you want your wife to be an equal earner. He has to pick up some slack and helps out making dinner or cleaning up when I can’t because I am working. Fortunately my DH values my career as much as his own and we tackle domestic stuff as a team.
Post # 16
@glitter86: We’ve been living together for about 6 years…married 2 weeks…
I’m out of the house from 6:45am to 6:15pm. DH works from home, and also does improv and stand up 3-4 nights a week.
We have a cleaning lady, lawn guys, and I plan/prep meals and lunches on Sundays. We do our own laundry on our own time.
Having those helpers to do the “annoying things” and planning/prepping meals on Sunday has really helped to maximize the time we do have together.
Also, read the book “Lean In”–it may offer some perspective. On the other hand, 3 hours a day is a hell of a commute. Mine is about 30-40 minutes in the morning and about 45 minutes-1 hour on the way home.