Weddingbee boards

So, here is the thing.  FI wants babies, or at least a baby, wants us to start trying after the wedding in August (I am 32 right now so would be 33 if we got preggers right away).  However, I am still unsure if I want kids.  Here's why;  I am a step parent, for almost 3 years now to a great little boy.  I have struggled (dear god it's been so hard), and I wonder how different it feels to be a "real" parent.  I often get resentful, frustrated in general at how hard everything is, and how SS challenges my faculties constantly with his little boy issues.  I don't have the warm fuzzy proudness parents seem to have over every little accomplishment.  And I wondered, do you really change so much by getting pregnant?  Does it alter you in drastic ways?  I fear if we have our own child, I might feel the same way.  Don't get me wrong, I love SS, but there are days I wish he didn't live with us full time, and that I didn't have to raise him. 

To those of you who didn't think they wanted kids or never had the urge, but got preggers anyways, did you change after?  Did you *want* it?  Do you ever regret it?

Honestly, yes. I always kind of thought it was garbage, but being a parent really did change me.

I suddenly felt a strong sense of responsibility about my life/my son's (I was really wild and not really focused), I became much more aware of my own mortality, I felt emotions I didn't know I was capable. All the things I've heard were true.

But, I'm still me. It's hard to explain. I've never really been an overly affectionate, nurturing type, and sometimes this carries over to me being a parent. Yes, I cuddle and hug my son a lot, but not as much as I see some other moms doing. I don't speak in baby talk. I treat my son like an adult a lot of the time. That's part of who I am, and that didn't change.

Most days, I can't imagine my life any other way. Although it's difficult a lot of the time, I wouldn't change it. But, I'm human, and I have those moments of doubt when I think life without children would be easier and freer. I always regret those thoughts later, but, if I'm being honest, yes, I have my moments of doubt.

I don't think you'll know how you feel until you actually get pregnant. It's some pretty powerful stuff.

@claireos:  It does help some, thanks! 

I guess I am just most worried about not liking my kids...if that makes sense.  I love SS, but sometimes I sure don't like having him around!  I fear all those awful stories you hear about moms leaving their kids might one day be me.  Though I've stuck it out with SS for this long, I can't see one of my own being any harder!

@les105:  Thanks, it's nice to hear that from a mom.  I am also not overly affectionate in my daily life, nor was I raised that way.  I don't get htose gushing types.  Seems odd to me lol.  I have known girls who get pregnant young and I think at the time wow, recipe for disaster, only to see them blossom into amazing parents who do such a great job with their kids. 

I hate failure, and often if I fear it, I won't try.  Maybe this is where my fear stems from.  It's not like I can return my baby if I suck at being a mom, at least SS isn't mine exactly.  I do have a bit of a return policy lol.

@mwitter80:  I also get the comments about my SS, people can't beleive he is not mine, for the way I treat him and he treats me.  I have also gotten the comments about him looking like me, which I find funny lol.

@Take The Reins:  I feel the same way about kids.  I like them for like an hour but then it's ok that they can go back to the parent.  And if I was the parent then I'd be stuck with them all the time.  And let's be hones.  Kids are freakin annoying.

I also fear not liking my kid if I were to have one. 

Wow, thanks all!  Very interesting to hear all the different feelings and thoughts. 

I am an only child, raised as an adult.  I am not silly, playful, goofy, never have been.  I have never related well to people my own age, though as I get older it's becoming easier, maybe becasue I am getting better, or they are finally maturing.  Most of my friends have been on average 5-15 years older than I.  I am responsible and thoughtful (about things, not always towards people).  I am a self entertainer, sensitive to noise and movement, I like quiet, stillness.  I can sit for hours reading a book, looking out a window, contemplative is maybe a good word.  Not the ideal personality to combine with a young child!  I am very strict, have high expecatations, and don't play much.  I am basically no fun, like i don't know how lol.

SS moved in with us full time in August 2009 at the age of 3.  He has been with us 100% since then (he does not see his biomom at all).  He will be 6 in May. It has been a real struggle, with his bio-mom, his dad's lack of parenting (much better now).

I don't HATE kids, I do dislike them when they are rude, loud or disrespectful.  I just don't feel like I know how to interact with them.  I don't "get" them.  I don't enjoy doing crafts and making fun things (hate the cleanup and prep, where to put all the projects drives me nuts), I don't want to play lego, I dislike Thomas the train, I don't enjoy games because he refuses to play by the rules and I can't handle that lol!  I don't know what to do with all the "artwork" he proudly brings home to put on the fridge. 

I hate to think I would treat my bio child differently than my SS, but I just wonder at the lack of connection I feel, if it would be the same.  Like carrying a child opens this portal into seeing a child as something other than a PITA, a world of wonder.  I just can't fathom it happening to me, and I'd hate to be the parent that my child blames as being a loveless, frozen human wasteland in their formative years.  I think I cover the bases of being a "good" parent when it comes to the physical well being of SS, I am very concious of nutrition, routines, being active in his school, his hygeine, doctors and health etc.  I just worry that the little extra love gene will never activate for me and a baby would be a chore I will dislike later on.

Have you talked with your FI about all of your worries?  The only reason I ask is that the decision on whether to have children or not is something that you definitely should be on the same page with.  This just destroyed my friend's marriage- he wanted kids, she decided one day that she didn't.  I'm definitely NOT saying this would destroy your marriage, but I worry that you have a lot of things going on in your head that are making you frustrated when you think about having more kids, that might be good to talk to your FI about. 

I have no doubt that you have the ability to love and be a good mom, and I think it's ok if scribble drawings and Hi-Ho Cherry-O doesn't thrill you.  I can't stand playing games with my niece, she's almost 4 and she cheats.  Her artwork doesn't impress me.  Maybe that will change when I have kids of my own, but maybe it won't, and that's ok.  There are so many other wonderful things about having children that have nothing to do with the mess and the toys that I'm looking forward to.

@UpstateCait:  Lol, well said.  And how I feel also!

@Miss Root:  FI and I have talked about it numerous times.  Funny enough, prior to SS moving in with us, I was the one who wanted marriage and babies, he was dead against marrying again, and was happy with his one son.  Since SS moved in, our roles have flipped.  Marriage went onto back burner for me and babies were a distant nightmare!  He understands where I am coming from, and his role in my head getting there, and it has in the past put a strain on our relationship when discussing the future.  He often pushed for babies without marriage, and I was adamant it would not happen, I want the security and the same last name as my kid!  He has since come to an understanding, and to his credit, he has stepped up and started being more active in the household and dealing with SS (long story, but at the beginning, I was primary parent 24/7 and he was secondary.  We got it sorted finally).  I am now sometimes thinking it would be ok, we could make it work, and I am getting the maternal tugs on accasion thinking about.  Then something happens with SS and I'm like really, do I want this?  FI looks at like SS is already here, so why not add another one or two. 

I'm so glad I found this post!  It helps knowing I'm not the only one with these thoughts!  I've never felt particularly "maternal."  I never really liked other people's kids.  I never got "ga-ga" over babies.  I just babysat for the FIRST time this last weekend (yep...and I'm 30).  I've always been afraid I'd be the kind of mom who would want to eat her young (not literally, but you get the idea!).  I'm at the point in life where I'm finally married, with a great guy who I can completely imagine having kids with (Who I know will make a great dad), and I'm kind of at the "now or never" stage of life.  I've thought off and on that I've had crazy baby rabies...then the thought floats back into my head that maybe that lifestyle really ISN'T for me.  I love having freedom to do what I want when I want.  I love having all that time with just me, DH, and our dog.  I love all the easy shopping trips that we can do whenever and wherever without kids in tote. Our family already feels "complete" most days.  And I work full-time (don't want to give that up), but it already feels like the free time I have is so limited...sometimes I can't imagine adding a child to the mix!

Then other days I can't imagine NOT adding a child to the mix.  I think "maybe that will just mean MORE love in my life."  But I am scared!!  I don't want to regret it later on, nor do I want my relationship with my DH to become "watered down" due to time and stress.  I don't want to feel the general feeling of annoyance with my own child that I do with other people's children.  But I just don't know...  I also didn't have a pet until just two years ago, and I love my dog more than I EVER could have possibly imagined!  We dote on him, cuddle him, talk to him in cute voices, make him very much a huge part of our world (yes, I realize it is VERY different having a kid compared to having a dog!! Bear with me...).  I didn't think I'd really like having an animal around...and the messes, distractions, responsibilities that come with it.  But now it just "fits" into my life and I couldn't imagine it any other way.  Perhaps it is that way with having children, but tenfold?  Yes, you'll have less free time, less money, less freedom, more responsibility...but you'll also have more love.  And maybe you can't imagine NOT having that child in your life once he or she is there.  Maybe those feelings just come to you, and that bond is so strong, that all the things you give up are minor in comparison to all that you gain in joy?

Ah...the fear of the unknown...

@mrs_pugetsound:  Wish there was a like button here!  I agree with you.  I have a dog and a horse, and I have no issues with either and the responsibilities that come with.

I also think it's the fear of the unknown, cause once you're in, you're in!

@cbee:  I feel really bad for our sons teacher, she is a magnificent lady, and works so hard with his class.  There are some seriously rotton little bastards in the group.  We are very open communicating with her, and if she speaks to us about issues at school, he pays the consequence when he gets home as well, and we have a chat.  He's learning all about respect and acceptable behaviour.

I just don't know, some days it seems totally great, some days not so much.  I maybe blame it a bit on not having siblings, I just don't know how to relate to kids, have no experience dealing with it.  I had major expectations on me as a child, so I think I'm maybe a little judgemental on how I think a child should behave.  My parents claim I basically raised myself, and that I was "too perfect" as a child.