Did FI/SO Ask First?

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: Did your SO/FI ask your parent's for permission/blessing before proposing?
    Absolute. Must have, deal-breaker that they asked all my parents before and get their agreement. : (24 votes)
    16 %
    Absolute. Must have, that they asked all my parents before even if they don't agree. : (23 votes)
    15 %
    I would really like it, but it's not a must have. : (32 votes)
    21 %
    Eh. It's not really my thing, but if they want to ok. : (20 votes)
    13 %
    I'm glad they didn't ask! : (36 votes)
    24 %
    I work on the don't ask don't tell policy. : (1 votes)
    1 %
    My FI/SO is asking after the fact. : (4 votes)
    3 %
    There's no one in my family to ask. : (2 votes)
    1 %
    Other.... : (7 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    9204 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2018

    FI asked my Dad for his blessing before he proposed. It was very important to me that he did this. I was home, so was my mother. I was downstairs in my room, my mother was upstairs one room over from my dad. She ran in yelling YES! when FI asked my Dad, but Dad at first said no. But then he changed his mind and gave his blessing to both of us when we explained that we would be having a long engagement, waiting until after we have lived together for a while, and after I had finished my university studies. It was always very important to me that FI asked my Dad, I am very traditional, and FI thought it was good to ask my Dad too.

    ETA: I don’t see it as demeaning in any way to ask for the parents’ blessing on the marriage. My parents are very important people to me, and it was essential to me to have my father’s blessing. I am very traditional though.

    Post # 4
    2151 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I voted that he asked after the fact, but that was only because he couldn’t get my dad alone and didn’t want to change his plans just because he didn’t get to ask him. It was a big deal to my dad, he really wanted that special moment between himself and my FI. After he proposed, we facetimed with my family who happened to be out of town for the weekend. My FI told my dad that he tried to get him alone to ask his blessing but couldn’t. My dad cried when my FI said that and it was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen 🙂 

    Post # 5
    254 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    I voted other because it would have been a deal breaker if he had. I am my own person and I make my own choices so the only permission he should be getting to marry me, is from me, end of story. I would take great offense to this and would not agree to marry someone who felt the need to ask my folks. 

    Post # 6
    2968 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    It wasn’t a deal-breaker but prior to getting engaged, I told the then-SO that it would mean a lot to me and my parents if he asked them for their blessing for us to get married. I frankly don’t see it as being infantilizing or demeaning in any way – it’s showing respect and acknowledgement to my parents as important figures in my life. Fortunately, he viewed it in the same light and both my father and mother were grateful to have been included in our decision to get married. My mother said that since I’ve gotten older and met the FI, she’s feared that she and my father have somehow become less important/significant and for him to ask for their blessing really touched her and showed her that he cared about me and them, and that even though I am my own woman now, that they still figured in my life.

    And I asked his parents for their blessing too. The FI doesn’t get all the fun lol. His father was surprised but flattered.


    Post # 7
    307 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    My now FI asked my dad separately before actually proposing and talked to mom about his intentions..

    Both were thrilled, and appreciated that he talked to them before actually proposing..( mom said that dad cried afterwards.. And that is something lajor since he is this togh macho military man, so that was very sweet)

    I really adored that he did that.. But it wouldn’t have been a deal breaker had he not done it (we would have told them directly of course).. It just shows me that he respects my parents and their position so much.. And that just makes me so happy

    Post # 8
    546 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    we are engaged for several months now..and nobody asked anybody…I don’t care about this tradition..:)

    Post # 9
    480 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    My husband didn’t ask and I would have found it very odd if he had. My parents are great but it’s my choice who I marry and they pretty much knew it was coming anyway. This to me is a very outdated tradition.

    Post # 10
    11607 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    It was very important to me that DH tell my dad his intentions before he asked.  It wasn’t about asking permission, but more for the respect to my dad that he was planning on marrying me. 

    Post # 11
    5773 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I’m a grown woman; my parents don’t need to give me permission for anything.

    Post # 12
    11668 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Yes he did. It was important to both of us that he speak to them first. Not that we needed their permission but it’s more of a respect thing and a rite of passage thing. DH wanted to and his parents would have been really upset with him of he hadnt!

    Post # 13
    1167 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I don’t think its insulting, I see it as a nod to tradition and respect for her father that he would let him know his intentions.

    That said, I couldn’t care less. I love my daddy to death but its not a tradition our family follows, besides the fact that we aren’t super close – we didn’t grow up with my dad, we lived with my mum and saw him 3-4 times a year most of our young lives – and I actally preferred to have that exciting phonecall to myself 🙂

    I would have preferred FI do it IF my father was that kind of person, but he just isn’t.

    Post # 14
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I am in my 30s, have a great career and have always stood on my own, but my fiance asked my parents for their blessing and I am so glad he did. We never specifically discussed whether he *should* but I think he knew I would appreciate it, and believed himself that it was the right thing. I see it more as a gesture of including the entire family in taking this important step.

    Post # 15
    10219 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I am also an Older Encore Bride (over 50)

    So it wasn’t a dealmaker by any stretch if Mr TTR didn’t ask… as in my mind he did not need to ask any one for “my hand” but me.

    However, Mr TTR is a very decent guy… and as such it meant a lot to him to ask my Elderly Father for “His Blessing”

    So after Mr TTR proposed, but before we found the ring, he got together with My Dad, and told him of “his intentions” and said he’d appreciate My Dad’s Blessing on our Getting Married.

    My Dad was thrilled to give it

    AND most importantly, My Dad was thrilled that Mr TTR had asked

    Particularly so, as when I was Engaged / Married the first time in my early 20s my Ex never asked My Dad for any sort of “acknowledgement” of our Relationship

    And I was a “modern woman” of the time… so didn’t see WHY anyone should ask anything of me

    (That ongoing statement that many Brides-2B make… NO ONE need ask the Dad for anything, as I am not a possession !!)

    I later found out many years from My Mom, that My Dad had been hurt that my Ex had never asked for their (My Father’s) Blessing…

    As it was one of those “life moments” that My Father had been waiting his whole life for

    And NOW as a Parent myself, I sooooo get that

    Something I think more Brides / Couples should consider.

    As a Parent there are Moment In Life that you cherish, look forward to in the ongoing story of your child…

    Finding Out You Are Pregnant – Birth – Coming Home – First Smile – First Word – First Steps – First Day of School – Graduation – Off to College – Graduation – When they leave “the nest”

    And definitely them coming home to tell you they’ve fallen in love and plan to marry…

    Because you are a Parent FOREVER… so the story continues…

    Engagement Announcement (Parent’s Blessing Before or After) – Wedding – And then when they one day tell you that the cycle of life will continue… as they now are expecting a baby (First Grandchild / Grandchildren)

    For me now that is the key thing in this Question… To Ask or Not

    It really and truly isn’t so much anymore that couples “Ask For Permission”… so much as it is that couples show some Respect to their Parents by asking for “A Blessing” of the Union / Marriage.  Because technically, a Marriage is a coming together of TWO Families to create A NEW Family… so it is a really nice thing, when BOTH Families Parents are asked to “Bless” that creation **

    So ya, Mr TTR asked My Elderly Father (there was no one on Mr TTR’s side to ask / tell, as both his Parents have long passed)… and My Father gave his Blessing… and he is truly proud to tell people that his Daughter (me) has married a fine upstanding man

    And I couldn’t be PROUDER of BOTH the most important men in my life… and relationship that they have with me, and for themselves as well now.

    That little action truly brought them closer together, and in many ways cemented the element that we are now a NEW Family Unit.

    Hope this helps,


    ** And hopefully, the kids that Mr TTR & I have (his & mine) will do the same for us too.


    Post # 16
    10219 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I should add…

    That I was there when it happened… it happened in our home.  Mr TTR & I were sitting on the couch, he took my hand in his, and told My Dad, that he had something very important to ask him… he said:

    I have met the most wonderful woman in the world, and we have decided to get married, so I am asking you for your Blessing, as it would mean a lot to me to know that you support our Marriage.

    My Dad stood up from where he was seated, Mr TTR stood up, My Dad walked over to my man, and shook his hand, and said… CONGRATULATIONS.  And then they hugged.  My Dad is over 80, My Hubby is over 60, it was truly one of the sweetest moments in MY WHOLE LIFE.

    Lol, after that the room was abuzz with Wedding talk and Questions !!

    It was a wonderful afternoon


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