did i make a big boo boo …how do i fix it

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@laurelewrigley:  You’re having an adults only reception, not excluding her kids specifically.  It’s across the board, I don’t see anything wrong with what you did. 

How’s your relationship with her?  Would you feel comfortable asking her if that’s really the issue?  Maybe she’s under the mistaken impression that her kids are the only ones not invited?


Post # 4
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I really can’t see that you did anything wrong. I know I always went to showers with my mom when I was a child, but very rarely went to weddings. And like you said, one hardly expects a child to show up gift in hand so she can’t just think you did it for gifts!


I’m so sorry your aunt is reacting like this! I wish I had some advice on how to fix it, Maybe just calling her up and explaining that you were saddened to have to make the decision to not have children included in the wedding, but wanted to include them in some aspect of the celebration?


Good luck!

Post # 5
6447 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t see anything wrong with what you did. I usually agree with the rule that you invite people to the shower only if they are invited to the wedding but as you pointed out… It’s not like the kids actually got you a present, the present was likely from your aunt. So in this situation i think it’s okay that you invited them to the shower. Perhaps she had to cancel for a different reason.

Post # 6
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@laurelewrigley:  I don’t see anything wrong with what you did

You were even nice enough to invite them to your bridal shower so they feel included.

I could understand if only her kids were not invited, but thats not the case. She needs to understand the situation

Post # 7
34 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

Maybe she doesn’t quite realize the difference between her ‘adult’ children and the younger ones…however you’ve been clear the entire time that they were not invited to the wedding, and apparently your aunt was ok with that when she first RSVPd.  

Could it be that she’s having trouble explaining to her little ones why they went to a shower and can’t go to the wedding?  Even though they don’t really know you, they might’ve been excited after the shower and then been upset when they found out they weren’t going to be at the actual wedding.  

Either way, if you’re that hurt that she won’t be there, talk to her! I personally feel like inviting the kids to the shower was a great way to include them, maybe she just didn’t see your point of view and thought you were going to change your mind and invite the kids later?  Like the PP said, maybe she thinks it’s something personal to do with her children, not all children.

Post # 8
1644 posts
Bumble bee

@laurelewrigley:  Your aunt may have been lurking on the kind of wedding boards that come up with black-and-white “etiquette rules” and is using the rule that “everyone who is invited to a pre-wedding event must be invited to the wedding,” as justification for indulging in the self-gratifying pleasure of taking offence and harbouring a grudge.

Shame on her.

Despite what you may see practiced, etiquette is not-noT-nOT-NOT about pointing fingers and passing judgement and taking offense. It is about smoothing social interactions. Completely apart from the fact that the aforementioned “rule” is actually oversimplified pseudo-etiquette, your aunt is not even being consistent. The same black-and-white etiquette says that all shower guests are supposed to bring a gift (which your little cousins did not, other than superficially adding their name to their mama’s card) and real etiquette requires that guests participate in the planned activities and not hare off to play with other, non-invited guests. I am not blaming your little cousins at all — I occasionally want to hare off and play during particularly boring showers — but merely emphasizing that children are in a different category from adult guests.

Regardless. Etiquette requires that you believe the best about other people. So I recommend that you proceed by assuming that your grandparents are mistaken about aunty’s motives, since you cannot believe that aunty would be so anti-social and entitled. Probably Aunty just remembered a prior engagement, or finally had urgent ingrown-toenail surgery scheduled right on your date, or something else equally harmless.

Post # 9
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t see anything wrong with that! It’s not like the 7 year old was expecting a wedding invite!

Maybe you could drop by and be like “Auntie Em, you KNOW I love your insane amount of children! We couldn’t invite ALL the kids, though. There wasn’t enough space in our venue! I totally understand if you still don’t want to come, though.”

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