- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
Early on, I asked my step-sister and three best girlfriends to be my attendants, and my fiancé couldn’t quite decide who he wanted standing on his side. But after thinking about it for a couple months, he finally settled on asking his 3 brothers and 1 eldest sister to be his attendants.
His decision to include his siblings (which I think is great!) has inadvertently caused some very hurt feelings on my side of the family. I have two older brothers who I am very close with, who I have asked to do readings at the ceremony (but I asked them many months after asking the wedding party). I knew I wanted to include them but took some time to figure out a role that was meaningful to me and I thought would be meaningful to them. My mom called me this week to tell me that one of my brothers in particular said he was hurt that he wasn’t chosen as an attendant (back story: he was just married last year, and my other brother was his best man, and I was one of his wife’s bridesmaids – they each had 7 attendants).
My mom has also been hassling me from the beginning to include my cousins’ young daughters (one from each side of my family) as flower girls in the ceremony. It started out as an innocent suggestion—to which I said ‘no thanks’—but she has repeatedly brought it up and decided to hark on it (waterworks included) when she told me that my brother was also upset. My dad passed away when I was very young, and the potential flower girls are the granddaughters of aunts and uncles on each side of my family who were apparently very good to us when my father passed. My mom sees their inclusion as a sign of acknowledgement to those family members, but I am not close with the girls at all.
In both cases I feel completely helpless because I want a ceremony that is true to me and my fiancé but also includes our families (who are SO important to us) in a meaningful way. I know my intentions have been good since the start – it just kills me that some of my family doesn’t feel I’m acknowledging them properly in my ceremony. But on the same token, I feel I have tried to be very considerate and accommodating to peoples’ feelings (i.e. asking my mom to walk me down the aisle in addition to my step-dad, because they’re divorced and she was very upset at the thought that he would get to walk me down alone; inviting friends of my mom who I and my fiancé hardly know; trying to find meaningful places for my brothers because we already selected attendants, etc.). It all seems to have been met with a “meh… I guess that’s fine” response.
Honestly, part of me wishes I could go back to the beginning and ask my brothers to be attendants as well because they are so important to me and that would have been fantastic, but I can’t undo anything and I do love my girlfriends too! Do I call my brother and tell him I am sorry he feels hurt – and maybe try to give him another role too? And with the flower girls, do I bend and include them to appease my mom? At what point is this not even my ceremony anymore? Help!