Post # 1
Well Bee’s…in a moment of weakness last night, I broke my vow of not saying anything about engagement or weddings for six months. Boy, did I ever. I’ll try to keep this short. Yesterday, I had the urge that I want to move out of state (with him, to start the next phase of our life). I thought PA, since it’s still Northeast and alot cheaper than where we are now. We’ve both agreed that we don’t want to raise our family here. Well, in a truly psycho girl moment, I pretty much verbally vomited on him and said that I want to move, I want us to be married and start a family soon. I told him that it’s been driving me crazy that for the last 3 1/2 years we’ve done nothing but talk, with NO action. I said I feel like I’m on a merry-go-round, and that I’m scared that another 3 1/2 years will go by and we’ll still be sitting in out little 1 bedroom apartment. Then I proceeded to ask him about whether he plans on getting a better paying job (WTF? I know better than to ask a guy that!), and if he has a timeline. His answer was “You can’t live life on a timeline.” Ok, agreed.
After I rapid fire attacked him and backed him into a corner, I asked him how he feels…good, bad, whatever and what he wants. He said that he wants the house, 2 kids, backyard, bbq’s, boat…the works and with me (things I already knew), but he said that he feels I want everything NOW, and he can’t give me those things now. He also said wants to move, not to PA, but somewhere coastal. Fine with me! I’m just glad he made an actual decision for once!
So here’s my thinking-after the mess of last nights talk, I felt so embarrased by how I acted and some of the things I said. I pretty much avoided him the rest of the night and after much thinking today, I think I’m going to sit him down again and tell him that we should shelve any talk of engagment, wedding or our future. I’m going to acknowledge that I put WAY too much pressure on him last night and say that the best thing for our relationship right now is to put that out of our heads. My mom told me today to just focus on myself (which I have been doing, just not enough apparently), and that if his words are true, his actions will follow.
What do you ladies think? Am I making a mistake?
Post # 3
I think you’re doing the right thing, and based on how you described the conversation last night, I doubt it’s gone over as badly with him as you might think.
Sometimes guy need a nudge, even if you’ve agreed to “not nudge” for 6 months. So you verbally vomited on him one time- so what? My guess is that he’s verbally vomited on you at some point too (just not about this, because he’s a guy).
I’d keep the apology and talk short, simply, and sweet. Something along the lines of “I liked what you said last night about wanting all of those things with me, and you’re right- we don’t need all those things right now. It’s nice knowing they’re there in the future. I’m sorry about last night. Back to the old 6 month plan.” End with a smile. It’ll all be okay 🙂
Post # 4
I don’t think you ruined everything. You’re totally entitled to feel the way that you do and sometimes it piles up on us and the only thing we can do is blurt it out. I can’t tell you the amount of times I did that whilst I was waiting – it wasn’t pretty.
But, the fact that you’re able to say “hey, I was wrong to do what I did. I’m sorry. Let’s go back to our lives before yesterday” is exactly the right thing to do. Clear the air, he won’t feel pressured and you’ll feel better because you won’t feel guilty for verbally vomiting on him. Like Miss Taco Night said, I’m sure it’s happened the other way around at least once before 🙂
Deep breaths. And don’t forget to come to the Hive to vent about waiting. Listening and helping is what the Hive does best! 🙂
Post # 5
I think you’re doing the right thing. I agree with your mom too, I think his actions will follow. However even though it was a psycho girl moment, I agree that guys sometimes need our psycho girl moments, to help put things in perspective and let our needs be known, and get their asses in gear!! I had a freak out talk like this with my fiance as well around our 3rd anniversary. Someting needed to start happening!! So good luck with everything. But yes, don’t wait another 3.5 years. Instead maybe set a small goal for yourselves. Like if you want to move out of state, maybe start a “we’re moving out of state” savings account. Or sit down online and look at possible places you want to go, together. Set small goals, but don’t overwhelm him or yourself with trying to make everything happen at once 🙂 again good luck!!
Post # 6
@Miss Taco Night-Thank you for understanding and for your great advice. In my head I feel like the most horrible girlfriend right now, but in my heart I know that I did have to get some of that stuff out. I’m hoping that by agreeing to not bring this stuff up for awhile will take the pressure off of both of us.
Post # 7
Hi! While I think that it probably wasn’t the best way to communicate your feelings with him, it’s good that you finally put it out there. At least he knows how fustrated you are with the situation. I would at least let him know that while the delivery of the conversation wasn’t the best and you apologize for that, but that you do feel that way and want to know that there is a timeline and goal in place.
I agree that it’s not best to live life on a timeline – it’s at least good general guide in my opinion.
-Good Luck 🙂
Post # 8
@sapphirestar: I had several “verbal vomit” moments during the 3 years I was living with my FI before he proposed. (We had been together 6.5 years when he finally proposed over labor day.)
I would apologize after and tried to put up a stronger front. We actually ahd a time frame set by end of August this year. Well the last weekend of August came and went and I broke down that Sunday night because I knew he wasn’t going to propose during the week and August ended on a Tuesday.
Little did I know the ring was SITTING IN HIS CLOSET and he had reservations for the next Friday night for dinner.
I think a short heartfelt apology is all that is needed. Stay strong. I remember what it’s like. FI and I talked marriage and rings for 2 1/2 YEARS before he finally proposed.
Post # 9
You ladies have made me feel 10x better. I thought I’d get comments right away saying “How could you say that stuff to him? Are you trying to make him break-up with you?”, because that’s how I felt when I woke up this morning. Last night was very out of character for me, but I feel my patience wearing thin. I think I just need to come back down to earth and re-evaluate some things.
Post # 10
Aw I so relate! I have def had the verbal diarrhea! And I felt the same way you did, like I had ruined things, set us back, or was acting like a horrible GF. But the thing I realized is this….I want to marry a man that I can have break downs in front of…and have my girly moments, freak out or whatever it is I need to do. And I want that man to be right there for me and not let it shake our relationship. There will be things in a marriage far more difficult than having a little emotional explosion. And once I realized that I felt so much better! Luckily my BF is that man who knows I’m going to have my moments and gets right down in them with me to let me know hes always here for me.
I’m convinced that its not our drama and veral spillage that drives away men away. Its our aversion to actually showing our true feelings and pushing things down so we seem “cool” about things when we really arent. They can tell, we just give off a vibe that isnt authentic and it just pushes them away.
I think it is GREAT that you told him how you feel. Tactic could improve 🙂 but its all about knowing you can share what youre going though with the person you want to spend your life with!
I know I have rambled on, I am in one of those moods!! I’m sure things will be fine! Give it a day or two to settle down! 😉 No worries.
Post # 11
@sapphirestar: You’re so welcome! Sometimes it’s good to put things out to the Hive, because we’re far enough away from the situation to see that it really isn’t that bad, promise 🙂
Post # 12
I think its good that he knows exactly how you feel – whenever I have those moments of talking too much to my boyfriend, he does accept it as it just being me – no matter what I am talking about I have a lot of opinions and can prattle a lot!
Why not plan a nice dinner and cuddle up and watch a movie on the couch? Show him that while you are wanting to get married and all that slightly scary stuff, what you like most is being with him!
Post # 13
You definitely havent ruined everything! A firm nudge is what they need from time to time! What is it about the 3 year mark? Thats when I had my first “verbal vomit” and it worked a treat cos it put us on the same page. I try my hardest to not verbally vomit oftern but every few months it happens and the strange this is I feel good after it!
I agree with what everyone has said about keeping the apology short and sweet but at least he now knows whats been brewing inside your head!
Post # 14
*Update*-So last night after we had a nice dinner with some of our usual funny chit-chat, and after we were showered, comfy and sprawled out on the couch with our cat, I apologized. I told him that I am sorry for the way some of the things I said came out, and for putting so much pressure on him. I said that was never my intention and that all I want is for us to be together, sharing the rest of our lives. Then I said, “With that said, I think the best thing for both of us right now is to put any talk of engagement on the back burner. I appreciate that you want the same things that I want, but you’re clearly not as ready for them as I am and I don’t want you to do something you’re not ready to do.”
Long story short, he was VERY receptive. More receptive than he’s ever been about this topic in 4 years. He said that by not having the pressure to propose, it makes him want to do it faster. He asked me what kind of ring I want, and even told me that he thought about proposing when we went on our camping trip a few weeks ago, but he got cold feet. Which is fine; I’m thrilled he was so honest with me. So Bee’s, I feel really good about this, and who knows, maybe this will speed up the process.
Thanks again for all your great advice!!
Post # 15
Guys need baby steps. But be careful of constant talk and hounding of engagement..it can push a guy away quicker than “I’m pregnant”. Good luck!
Post # 16
Oh hon, I completely understand the “verbal diarrhea” that can occur when the waiting gets to be too stresseful.
I think you handled it beautifully in your latest communication with him. It sounds like you’re both being so honest, and you appreciate his honesty as well.
Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing great!