Post # 1
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 1/2 years. We just moved in together. We’ve always planned on getting married and having kids and we’ve talked about it numerous times.
His brother, his cousin, and one of my best friends all got engaged/married within the last 1-2 years. People our age are getting engaged left and right and I have been getting so jealous by it. We were shopping for my birthday gift (a bracelet) 3 months ago when we first moved in togehter and we passed by the engagement ring section and he asked me “what I liked” so I showed him which type of ring I liked. He also said that his coworker told him that when he is ready to get the ring that he has contacts in the diamond district. Ever since, I have been asking him things such as: when we are going to get engaged, why aren’t we engaged already, what is taking so long, does he really want to get engaged, I feel like I have to keep reminding you otherwise you’ll never do it etc… He has constantly reassured me by saying “soon, relax, we will get engaged” and things of that nature. In the back of my mind, I really needed a timeline because it was really bothering me that we have been together so long and other people we know who have been together for 1/2 that time or less are already married. Even though he kept reassuring me, I wasn’t having it… so I kept asking him/bringing it up at least once-twice a week. We would get into fights about it after I’d bring it up because he would get angry that I kept asking him the same stuff and that he kept giving me the same answers.
Anyway: Last month I finally blew my top after someone at work made a snarky comment about why I am not engaged after 7 years. It made me crazy, so that night when I got home from work I was a total bitch. I said to him something along the lines of: “If we are not engaged by the time I am done with school then maybe this isn’t meant to be because by then it will be 8 1/2 years and I find it ridiculous that you feel the need to contemplate for that long whether or not I am worth marrying.” (even though I didn’t mean it). Well that started it! He said he is sick of me asking him about it constantly and he is f**ing tired of repeating himself over and over. He said he has told me “time and time again” that we are going to get married, and that me asking him all the time will not make it happen any faster. He said he was planning to propose this year but with the way I am obsessing and getting crazy over it that is not going to happen. He said I have to stop obsessing about it and just be happy in our relationship and to stop focusing on getting married. He said I have to stop being miserable about not being engaged/married yet and that as long as we are happy we are going to get married and that is all I should be thinking about.
I realize after stepping back and looking at how I was acting about it, I realize I should have just laid off the topic of engagement/marriage. Ever since that conversation with him I haven’t brought it up at all, and if the topic comes up I don’t flip out about it. We have been getting along much better and have been happier without me bringing it up/nagging about it. Two weeks ago when we went on vacation, one of the tour guides asked if we were married and my boyfriend responded by saying “not yet.”
I don’t know whether or not he will still propose this year or not though- what do you think?
Post # 2
Well, he has pretty clearly told you he wants you to back off from so many discussions. So that definitely seems like the right move. I think it’s important to have fewer meaningful conversations as opposed to numerous shallow conversations that cover the exact same material. I can totally understand his frustration at having the same conversation over and over. It sounds like you guys are doing a lot better now, which is great for both of you and for your relationship. It shouldn’t be a forbidden topic but discussions should be based around trying to understand the other person and how you’re moving foward together, rather than nagging about him proposing. He knows where you stand. If he has questions, he’ll bring it up! Good luck!
Post # 3
I can totally see your frustration about being together for so long and not being engaged yet. Honestly, it is like you get to that “certain age” and everywhere you go it seems you have to deal with people making comments about when it’s “your turn” to get married/have kids. It can really drive a girl insane. I have been with my boyfriend way less time and I get upset, so I completely feel you are justified. The good thing is that it appears that he is planning it. His reaction is apparently not all that uncommon… a lot of men seem to get so thrown off and aggravated by their girlfriend bringing up marriage all the time. Men are from mars…. Hopefully your wait is almost over. BEST of Luck!
Post # 4
I feel that if you’re in a good relationship and things are stable, and if marriage is something you don’t want to wait for any longer, I personally would only give it 4 years. While I think that’s a long enough time, I wouldn’t want to wait longer outside of that. I know that after awhile a lot of women do sort of “question”his feelings because the guy never quite comes around to that. Heck I was feeling it at 2.5 years, but I think we’re almost there sliding into year 3! Personally I just couldn’t wait that long but who knows, maybe this will be the year he gets off his butt and asks you!
Post # 5
LongIslandRN: I personally like to see movement / growth in a relationship and if I’m not getting it, I leave.
You guys have been together for years and he says not yet — when is yet? If you’re not ok with the timeline, then you have your answer.
Post # 6
A lot of guys like to have all their ducks in a row, so to speak, before they propose. My DH, for instance, wanted to have a steady, secure job. Maybe your guy wants you both to be out of school or something along those lines. Give it time (I’m talking 6 months or more) and then consider having a (calm) conversation about a timeline – not asking why or when he’ll propose, but asking if he has a plan for your future, etc.
I don’t think you ruined your chance, but think you did the right thing by stopping the arguments. FWIW, I was with DH for almost 9 years before he proposed (we started dating young).
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
LongIslandRN: Well you kind of gave him a timeline of a year. Spend the next year folowing Mr. Bee’s STFU advice. I don’t think you have completely “ruined” your chances but constantly discussing and complaining about not being negaged or married has done some damage to your relationship and definitely put off a proposal by at least a couple of months.
If he hasn’t proposed by your timeline end date, you can either walk or force the issue by proposing to him.
Post # 8
Since you’re getting along much better now and he said “not yet” (which conveys it’s going to happen) I think you’ll get engaged soon. You realized you were being too pushy and remedied your behavior. You’ll be fine.
P.S. Your coworker needs to STFU and mind her own business.
Post # 9
He’s told you it will happen. Back off for a bit (as hard as it is). Give him 6 months of VERY MINIMAL references to weddings, marriage, etc. If he’s for real, he’ll do it.
Post # 10
LongIslandRN: If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? How old is he? How stable is he and you collectively, money-wise?
Post # 11
THIS bugs me.
“He said he is sick of me asking him about it constantly and he is f**ing tired of repeating himself over and over. He said he has told me “time and time again” that we are going to get married, and that me asking him all the time will not make it happen any faster. He said he was planning to propose this year but with the way I am obsessing and getting crazy over it that is not going to happen. He said I have to stop obsessing about it and just be happy in our relationship and to stop focusing on getting married.”
8 years? 8 years honey? After 8 years, you DAMN WELL should be asking for marriage. At this point, basically you were good enough to buy a house with, but not good enough to marry.
After all, if you guys break up, it’s much easier to sell the house and each take 50% of the profit. In hindsight, I don’t think I would have moved in with this man without a ring on my finger. Buying property together is a HUGE commitment.
It bothers me that he is just shooting you down when you ask him when you’re going to get married because it’s HIGH TIME That this man married you. EIGHT FRIGGIN YEARS is almost a decade.
And instead of saying “baby, I totally get how you feel, I love you and if getting married will make you happy, I’ll do it” he instead basically tells you to “f*ck off, and don’t bug me about it again, or else”. I would wonder at this point if he possibly just moved in with you to help split the cost of a house rather than because he wanted to commit to you for life.
At this point you need to do some soul-searching and say “is this really what I want? To be strung along forever without a prospoal?” It’s time for you to muster your SELF ESTEEM and love yourself a little more and say “you know what, I’ve been waiting long enough. But if I don’t get a ring in the next 3 months, I’m outta here”. Don’t let your life pass you by any more without getting what you want from your relationship. Life is too short and frankly, I feel that this guy is WALKING ALL OVER YOU.
Post # 12
BurlapnLace: I am 24 he is 26, he has a full time job, I have a part time job while in school full time.
LadyBear: We started dating young too. I was 17 he was 19. We planned on getting married in our mid twenties and where we are, so idk what he is waiting for. My friends think he is waiting for me to graduate next spring 2015. We’ll see….
Post # 13
I have to respectfully disagree with Vitana. I believe that after 8 years you have the right to tell him “I want to be married and I want this to happen sooner or later” but I don’t think you should be able to nag him about it daily. (Something I’ve been guilty of myself I know. )
Think of it this way- if he continually nagged you everyday- sometimes more than once a day- to have sex with him and started a fight because you tell him “not tonight” wouldn’t you get a little upset after a while? You can enjoy sex and want to have sex (just like I’m sure he wants to marry you) but you’re going to get pissed off after a while of this and probably say no just because at this point you’re annoyed at him and you feel like he’s trying to force it on you.
I know this isn’t a perfect analogy but that’s kind of how I feel it is for him. He may want to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you but after 3 months of being nagged about it he’s annoyed and tired of going through the same routine over and over.
I don’t think he should act like he’s withholding the ring to teach you a lesson or anything- and if he does then you probably have different issues- but he probably wants to feel like it was his choice to ask you to marry him and it happened on his timeline.
I know its hard waiting (I’m going on the 5 year mark and half the time I feel like I’m going out of my mind) but I went through the whole “when are we getting engaged? when are you going to propose? tellllll me!!! do you even know when we’re getting engaged? have you thought of it at all?” phase and then I really listened to myself and realized I would hate if he ever treated me the same way about an something. I want him to ask me to marry him because its something he’s seriously considered and is walking into without any pressure from me.
I don’t think you ruined your chance. If he loves you and he wants to marry you he’ll propose no matter what. I just say take a breath and get to know him again without weddings on the brain. Good luck!
Post # 14
AmazingAlex: “I want him to ask me to marry him because its something he’s seriously considered and is walking into without any pressure from me.”
You hit the nail on the head.
Post # 15
LongIslandRN: It doesn’t sound like you’ve ruined your chances just by judging that when asked, your BF said “not yet”. However, stop the nagging! Men HATE being pestered and questioned and nagged about marriage. The fact that HE offered to stop in and look at rings tells me that engagement is/has been on his mind and he will do it in the near future. If you keep asking him about it, not only will it piss him off, but it won’t be a surprise to you. I agree with a PP in saying that give it at least 6 months or more to see if he proposes.
Also, don’t be afraid to be the one in control of the situation. If you want to marry this guy so badly, what’s stopping you from proposing to him?