Post # 1
So I was showing my mother the invitations I ordered today as we were writing out the return address on envelopes and she became very offended that my parents names were not on the invitation. I just wrote on the invitation that “Your presense is requested at the marriage of Jane Doe and John Smith” but she wanted their names at the top of the invitation.
I thought this was only customary for a big religious wedding or if they are paying for it. At this point we are paying for the entire wedding and she has offered to make an advance towards the end if we are a bit short… but she is by no means paying for the wedding.
I tried to explain to her that I felt it wasn’t appropriate to add any parents names (if we added theres then FI’s parents would want to be listed to, which would have ruined the design)… but she is now not talking to me. I know it’ll blow over but I am really confused about whether or not I screwed up by not including all parent names?
Post # 3
@WeddingBells2014: I feel like an invitation should always make it clear who’s doing the inviting, so I’m not sure that I wouldn’t side-eye your wording, tbh. If you and your FI are the hosts, it would normally say “Jane Doe and John Smith request the honour of your presence at the celebration of their marriage.”
BUT it’s really common for the bride and groom to host and not mention their parents at all. If the parents are helping out a little, the invitations might say “Together with their parents, Jane Doe and John Smith request your presence,” but I have seen WAY more invitations that don’t list the bride’s parents than those that do.
Post # 4
@WeddingBells2014: I was under the impression that the hosts names are on the invitation. You are paying for the wedding so you are the hosts – not your parents.
Post # 5
That is what I thought – since we are officially paying for the wedding we are the ones “inviting” on the invitations. I’m starting to wonder if maybe she just thinks that instead of being about who is actually hosting the wedding that it is tradition or something to list the bride’s parents.
Post # 6
@WeddingBells2014: As you are already starting to see, there is a lot of emotion around weddings and money. Sometimes the emotion arises due to potential or perceived embarassment.
When your mother got married, she probably had the traditionl wording because her parents likely paid for the wedding. Inside, she may be worried that the wording you chose is a signal that your parents aren’t paying and that people will know.
Post # 7
@WeddingBells2014: I think she’s probably hung up on the “tradition” that the bride’s family gets certain honors without really realizing that those traditions are based on the tradition of the bride’s family paying for the wedding. For example, if they’re not contributing financially, the bride’s family doesn’t go first in the receiving line (which people don’t necessarily do anymore, anyway).
Post # 8
@WeddingBells2014: The host(s) are the ones doing the inviting. The host(s) is (are) generally considered to be the one(s) paying.
If she is paying for part of the wedding cost, it would be possible to say something along the lines of “bride and groom together with … bride’s parents/mother’s name…”
Howver in your case it sounds as if she MAY be paying for part of it – so you and your FI are well within your rights to issue the invitation, in my opinion, anyway. 🙂
Post # 9
@WeddingBells2014: I hope they say presence and not presense. I’m not sure why your mom is upset because you’re the host so your invitation wording makes sense to me. The fact that is may pay isn’t a factor because may is the optimistic version of May not.
Post # 10
@WeddingBells2014: Did you screw them up? No. Should you reprint them? I wouldn’t. Does your mother sound like many mothers (not so much fathers) in wanting the invites to be the way they used to be? Yes.
It’s a matter of tradition and a generational gap. Listing parent’s is they way invites used to be, but not so much now. I’d sit down and talk about it with her, but I wouldn’t reprint them. She feels pushed aside and not recognized… aren’t weddings a fun balancing game of people’s emotions sometimes? Wish you the best.
Post # 11
Technically if they’re not paying, they’re not hosting and it’s not necessary to put their names on. However…I think it’s nice to at least say “together with their parents” or something along those lines if you’re on good terms with your folks.
Post # 12
@WeddingBells2014: Sounds like you have a momzilla on your hands! I agree with what others have said. Traditionally the people hosting the wedding are listed. If your parents aren’t helping pay for the wedding and you are hosting it yourself there is no need to list them. Are you doing programs for the wedding? You could let her know she will be listed on there so she will get recognition, just not on the invites.
Post # 13
@WeddingBells2014: You are right, the people hosting the wedding are who should be on the invite. Since that is you and your fiance, your parents do not need to be put on the invitation.
Post # 14
@WeddingBells2014: If you are paying for the wedding (like we are) … you put down what you did on the invitations. Ours say that. Its only customary to have your parents names if they are paying.
Post # 15
@Nostawyn: “I feel like an invitation should always make it clear who’s doing the inviting, so I’m not sure that I wouldn’t side-eye your wording, tbh. If you and your FI are the hosts, it would normally say “Jane Doe and John Smith request the honour of your presence at the celebration of their marriage.” “
Actually the passive tense is the correct formal wording for a couple giving their own wedding. Miss Manners suggests exactly that.
Post # 16
@julies1949: +1 I agree – the FMIL doesn’t want it publicised that they did not pay for the wedding, and the invitations make it obvious. But if they didn’t contribute, she can’t expect their names to be included. If she wants to be traditional with the invitations, then they can be traditional with who pays for the wedding.