Post # 1
I was on the phone with FMIL last night, she was asking about the wedding so I was filling her in as FH doesn’t tell her much about these things.
She asked what their obligation was as FH had told her all they had to do was show up. I told her that was all they were ‘obligated’ to do. She then proceeded to say that when they were married the grooms family took care of the rehearsal dinner and they wanted to do that. I said if they wanted to do so they would certainly be welcome to but were by no means expected. She then said that they had figured the dinner would cost X amount (about twice what I figured we’d spend) and that they had decided they were going to give us double that as it’s what they gave FH’s brother when he bought his house (they like to be very ‘fair’ and equal about these things). I told her that was very generous and thanked her very much for their offered gift.
After I got off the phone with her, I told FH what his mom had said and I got the feeling he wasn’t happy about it. His family is not overly well off, but they’re very generous people and would not spend/give money they couldn’t afford. I didn’t bring up the subject, and I didn’t feel right saying we couldn’t accept a gift. Did I do anything wrong?
Post # 3
@MsGinkgo: I think you were thoughtful and sweet in that conversation..I don’t think you said anything rude at all.
Post # 4
@MsGinkgo: I don’t think you did anything wrong. You clearly didn’t ask for the money, and even when it was offered you explained that they were under no obligation to give you the money. I would still discuss it with your FI, but I don’t see a problem with what you did/said.
Post # 5
@MsGinkgo: I don’t think you did anything wrong, it’s not like you asked for help.
Post # 7
If he wants to talk to them about having an issue with it, he needs to do that. You were gracious and it’s not your place to say something among the lines of thanks but no thanks….
Post # 8
@MsGinkgo: She offered to help, with a set budget in mind, and you graciously thanked her. So, no, you did not do anything wrong. In fact, I think it is wrong of your FI to assume that they cannot afford their gift, because I have to believe they would not do it if they could not 🙁
If he is that worried/upset about it, my suggestion is offering to his parents to pick the rehearsal dinner venue, and for you both to keep it as cost effective as you can, so that they are not spending ‘all’ the money they budgeted. However, I think regardless of what you decide, you will end up being gifted the amount they had in mind!!
Post # 9
You didn’t do anything wrong!
Post # 10
@OUgal0004: She actually said that we can use the money however we wish. If we want to use it for the dinner we can, if we want to pay bills, save for a house, it’s our money to use as we see fit.
Post # 11
You didn’t do anything wrong. It sounds like you FI is sensitive to his parents financial situation and feels awkward about accepting money from them. My mom definitely doesn’t have money, but still saved up to give us a generous gift, even thought I felt bad, I had to graciously accept or risk hurting her pride. You FI is probably just dealing with that, so don’t take it personally.
Post # 12
No, you didn’t do anything wrong; however, I would talk with your FI and hear what he has to say/what he thinks. Nothing wrong with a conversation.
Post # 13
@MsGinkgo: No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Give FH some time to dwell on it. I thought you were awesome in your approach.
Post # 14
@MsGinkgo: I would have been honest about what I was expecting to spend rather than accepting “extras.” I also would have discussed it with my partner before deciding to accept anything from his family.
Post # 15
@MrsPanda99: The money isn’t intended to actually pay for the rehearsal dinner – she said it’s our wedding gift to use as we see fit, they had originally discussed (FMIL and FFIL) paying for the dinner and decided they wanted to give us the money instead. It’s very typical of his family to do things like this through me, I’m not sure why, but most of the gifts we have receieved from them as a couple in the last 9 years have happened between myself and FMIL (our television, our bed….)
Post # 16
@MsGinkgo: Congrats on the sweet/generous in-laws!
You definitely did the right thing by accepting the gift politely and graciously! Turning it down would have been rude, IMHO!