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@jpalm13: For me it didn't happen. If anything my SO was very open to us talking about the future which includes getting married. He has more stuff planned out than I do. Do you think maybe your SO argues because he doesn't feel he's ready to take that step yet in your relationship?
@jpalm13: Sorry, I can't say that I can relate. THis did not happen with FI and I. When we started talking about marriage, he was open to it and told me how he felt and when he wanted to get married. He did not argue with me about it. The timing of the engagement started to get frustrating, but that was partially due to my excitement and impatience. I think most of us bees get impatient and excited when we know its coming and out anxiety causes some minor friction. Other than that, I do not think that marriage talk should cause arguments. It may mean that he is not ready and therefore uncomfortable discussing it.
The marriage conversations at first were but aren't now so everything is fine there. I'm talking more about little things. Dishes, laundry, laying around too much....More of bickering I guess? Is it a stage? or are we just being a couple o' boobs?
Example: Last night everything was fine watching tv together, then he wanted me to check out his cover letter for him. I go to make suggestions (as I'm reading it) and then he flips. Demands I give it back and goes in the other room...I'm like what is your deal? and he's all "Why do you have to criticize me?! Its fine!! (any english major would know it was not, trust me) All you do is criticize me!"... ugh
@jpalm13: His behaviour seems really odd. He did ask you to look over it, so why would he get mad that you were making some corrections? Was he having a bad day or is he always like this?
@jpalm13: When I first came to these boards, I had just brought marriage up for the first time. It went over like a lead balloon. The next few times weren't much better- and yes, it did cause more arguments about seemingly insigificant, unrelated things. I would think to myself when cleaning, doing the dishes and so on, 'why am I doing all of these things for someone who seems determined to remain a boyfriend forever?' It caused a higher occurence of snits.
That said, sometimes you just go through rough patches where you are both stressed out or in bad moods at the same time, and it has nothing to do with some big, underlying cause.
Long story short, we sorted things out and are on the same page, and he talks about it as much as I do these days. We're also in a better place in our relationship- far fewer arguments. On one hand, I don't think the two are related, and on the other hand, I'm much happier being treated as a future wife than a forever girlfriend. Sorry that I don't have any advice about cutting down on the arguing, but yes, it does sound like it could be a stage.
@jpalm13: Okay, reading this post, I have to say this: it sounds like he was looking for validation rather than constructive criticism. Next time he asks for your opinion on something of that nature, let him know he needs to be prepared to hear both the positive *and* negative, not just what he's expecting to hear.
@Tarheelgurl: We had just been hit with a snow storm so I know he was kinda on edge from stopped traffic (in the snow of course). I hadn't thought about him being so worked up from that as a factor. And he does deal with traffic a lot because he has to drive past downtown's rush hour.
I also just found this thread http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/what-are-your-good-wife-tips-advice-for-other-bees and I think I may have figured it out. We are living together and the things we will argue over are things these bees have suggested as trying not to argue over. Guilty as charged. Our cramped living doesn't help with keeping things clean either. I may have to take moving to a larger apartment a bit more seriously in the next couple months.
And I think both of us need to work on our communication. We each have quick tempers (nothing dangerous but things accelerate quickly).
@Berkana: That sounds a lot like what we went through when I originially brought it up! I guess I need to turn my head more in your direction of thought about being a 'future wife.'
When we talked about it this morning, I told him something similar in the ways of 'if you want my help and to read it over, don't get angry when I give it to you." I'll remind him in the future before I read something that he will get positive and negative feedback! Maybe even give the positive first and then the negative.
YEs we absolutely starting arguing (to begin with) when the subject of marriage first came up. Prior to that we were on a cloud in the honeymoon phase. Marragie discussions brought that to a screeching halt and caused actual arguments, we even spent a week apart at one point because DH was so determnined to not talk about it at all, meanwhile I was so resentful that I was devoting all of my time and energy into a relationship that was going nowhere.
I'm sorry to say that unless one of you changes your mind completely about wanting to get married, this most likely will only get worse with time. If you aren't on the same page it's like you're butting heads - and this isn't the type of thing that can be left up in the air for very long. For your sanity, I recommend that you have a serious talk and agree on a timeline to get engaged. That will lift some of the stress off your shoulders and you won't be as snippy about other things.
@moderndaisy: I believe we are on the same page now. I think the timeline talk DEFINITELY helped. My SO is 31 (just recently turned) and I'm 24. He was joking about his age prior to his bday and mentioned kids. I pulled a timeout card (seeing an opportunity) and asked when he wanted to have kids. I guess he never really thought about that! I was said something about how if he doesn't start making decisions soon, he wont have a child til he's 40. I want to enjoy a few years after being married before having kids and so does he. Recent changes would be: looking at and commenting on rings (obvs), increase of 'when we're married' comments, not tweaking if marriage comes up, and a comment of dating around 2 years (which is in August)
No we didn't start arguing but it did open up some issues that we had to talk through such as living together before getting married, finances, careers, children, etc but I took that to be a good thing. It meant that we knew what each other thought of different issues, we knew where we stood and we could talk about compromising now and ironing out any problems
@Miss Circe: Funny thing, we did start talking about those things and we were surprisngly in agreement on most all of it.
I'm sorry things got a little rough for you. Good communication takes practice and it's even more difficult when you're talking about subjects that could be sensitive - like marriage. I'm sure with time it will get better.
Honestly, talking about marriage opened up so many wonderful doors for us. Now, they didn't all fly open at once. But our communication got so much better - we slowly got to a place where we felt very good about talking about absolutely everything. Not a single argument. And it helped define expectations, get us on the same page and allowed us to enjoy the relationship. Now, we've argued about non-wedding related things. But when it comes to marriage, talking about it has been great for the both of us.
@moderndaisy: There was something else I forgot to mention about thiking that he's started to get on my wavelength. Before it was all about how he didn't make enough money and wanted/s to get a new job first (ok I know guys want to feel secure but I think the two of us have a great combined income compared to most esp since we're debt free) wellllllll he recently started changing his tune about how he has been thinking and that he does have a good job and makes good money. Whoa whoa whoa change here
not much. at first we started talking about marriage in the abstract (as in, one day, if *I* get married....) then one day it just kind of evolved into "one day, if we get married..." but this talk lasted for about 2 years before the proposal actually happened!
it was nice to know that we were both probably going to get married. I wanted that proposal, but was not really in a big hurry so it didn't put a strain on anything.
I think the only thing that changed the relationship at all is that we had many looooooong conversations about whether we wanted kids. we knew it was important to get that figured out before we tied the knot. after too many long, emotional convos, we finally gave up and settled on "no for now, but we can change our minds later" and we felt comfortable with that answer.
@jpalm13: I might have read your email differently than others, so forgive me if my comment is totally not what you're looking for.
When FI and I started talking about marriage, those particular conversations - 80% of the time - were wonderful. We were both excited about the potential of moving to the next step, we were both happy the other was feeling pretty much the same, etc.
However - the little, silly arguments in our day to day life really picked up - I think it had something to do with maybe an internal freak-out over the change in our relationship. I have noticed in our relationship that when we go through some sort of growth period - ie, getting more serious, talking about moving in, talking about our future - we get kind of nit-picky with each other. I think it's normal - kind of like getting a little nervous and jumpy about the change, which is fine, and then we settle into it. It's all a cycle, and in our relationship it's way more often good than bad, which is really all you can hope for.
If the arguments are escalating and they're about things that make you worry about compatibility - then maybe that's not such a good thing. But when I read your post I really identified with it - and I wish that when I was going through it I had someone to tell me it was normal.
@Ms. Dove: I think you completely hit the nail on the head. The marriage convos were bad at first, but we weren't on the same page. Now, its not an argument and goes very well! But those little arguements have seemingly increased. I think its what you're describing with taking other steps and getting paniced. I honestly do think we need to work on communicating our differences with these little things.
If you're arguing more over things like chores and little criticisms, I have to wonder if maybe it's just becoming real for him. Now that you've brought up marriage, he's starting to think about what it would be like spending forever with you- with both the great things about you and the things that irritate him. Maybe try broaching the suject from that angle. I think it's okay to be nervous about taking the next step and it's okay to argue, but obviously if it's too frequent you wouldn't want to live like that forever.
It's sort of weird about the cover letter thing... I would be all over it like an English teacher too, that's just how I am. When FI gave me his resume to edit he told me to rip through it and make it better in any way possible, so maybe I just can't relate to that part.
We started talking about marriage in the love bubble phase ;) we were 17 and it was pretty much fantasy grounded in truth haha. We didn't really change until we moved in together and then we started arguing a little more. Now that we're used to living together and being around each other all the time we barely ever argue (: I think it's all about communication and balance.
Sorry you're going through this!
@galloway111: I'm a past newspaper editor-in-chief and a marketing grad with lots of copywriting experience. Of course I'll edit it! Idk why he would give it to me if he didn't want the pointers. I didn't find my delivery to be bad but now that I look back on it I think going forward I could deliver differently and hope to avoid a problem.
This did not happen to us. In fact, when we started talking marriage it brought us closer together. Perhaps it is time to re-evaluate your relationship with you SO?
Personally, this did not happen to us. I always feel self conscious and like a crazy naggy girlfriend when I bring it up but he always tells me, these conversations are natural it's okay lol. Because I always preface with apologies when I bring it up and try not to bring it up period lol. It's so weird. But he's totally open to everything and we are on the smae page :) I have witnessed this happen in friend's relationships though and I don't see why if the guy is on the same page and wanting to get married why they would be getting mad etc. Blah, men... lol
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Hello fellow bees!
I was just wondering if things started to change in your relationships when you started talking about marriage. In my situation, I have the SO who wants a new job first (good potential to happen sooner than later so w/e). Like other bees- when these conversations first started, it was met with an argument. In all honesty, me and SO didn't argue that much before we started talking about this. Now, I feel like we argue much more than we used to.
Did this happen to anyone else?