Post # 1
I have not brought up the future with SO for a little over a week, since we had a pretty deep talk about the future. It was the most insight I have gotten into his maze of a mindset concerning marriage, and it has made me feel better that he was able to tell me a few things that scared him about marriage, and that he fought me so hard when I said “You don’t want to marry me.” (He said: “That’s not true” pretty emphatically– not as good as “Yes I do want to marry you” but it was said with some feeling so I’ll take it.) I know intellectually that he probably needs time to simmer and figure out how he feels. I also know how much I’d like him to be the one to bring it up next time. But I’m kind of going crazy not talking to him about it because I’m so used to being able to talk about everything I’m feeling with him.
One thing that made me feel better was the idea that if we don’t make any progrees towards marriage by X date, I would bring it up again, or maybe simply end the relationship. I told him in our conversation last week that I was unhappy and thinking about ending things, that I did not see the point of being in an extremely long distance relationship if there is no future. The date when I’d be thinking about ending things is MONTHS in the future and after Valentine’s Day.
Did you/Do you have a date set when you’d start thinking about bailing?
Note: I love this man and I would happily wait longer than is comfortable for me if our communication was more open and he could tell me what his vision was for the future (and I was in it!!). I know that our relationship should not be all about what I want. At the same time, I am not willing to be “on hold” forever. I know that’s not fair to me. I am 27 and he is 30, we have been together for 1 year and change.
Post # 3
Kind of…my last relationship was almost 5 years and after it ended I told myself that I would not date anyone for much more than a year ever again. My current SO knew that from the beginning (not the first date or anything, that would be weird! but within the first couple months). I wanted him to know upfront that I am looking for marriage and babies sooner than later.
Post # 4
I did, twice. Christmas 2009 and Christmas 2010.
Thankfully I stuck it out, he proposed NYE weekend 2010/2011. I waited nearly six years for that proposal. I certainly wouldn’t recommend that every gal wait around that long. We had a plan in place and it took time.
Post # 5
I have a date but it isn’t a leave him date so much as it is a tell him that I can’t wait any longer without a timeline kind of thing. My date is actually the day after v-day. Waiting does suck especially the uncertainty and not being able to talk to your SO about it. If anything else in my life was causing me so much pain and anxiety I know my SO would be right there by my side helping me through it but this we have to do alone. Seems unfair.
Post # 6
Yes. I told DH that if he didn’t propose in one year I wouldn’t be with him anymore. I told him I wanted to start mylife with someone and I wasn’t willing to wait longer than one year after that date. I was 24 and we both had just graduated college, and had good jobs. We had only been together for a year at that point. I didn’t want to be dating for the rest of my life so I told him my timeline.
I didn’t bring it up agian. I didn’t question any spending on his part, or what he was up to. There were many trips where he could have proposed where I was so disapointed nothing happened. I kept it together though 🙂 9 months after my talk we got engaged.
Post # 7
My date is our two year mark. Its not a bail date, but one where I would seriously start to question his motives in our relationship and need to have that discussion. I’m pretty sure it will happen before then as we have talked about it, but he seems to like dragging his feet, and that is the date I have decided we would need to re-evaluate.
Post # 8
@fingerscrossed: You know I’m right there with you. My date is Christmas but I really hope it’s sooner than then. I think you are being totally reasonable and your timeline is fair. Hopefully he will come through long before your deadline. Hang in there.
Post # 9
My first marriage talk with SO didn’t exactly go as I would have liked. When it ended I gave him 6 months (not that I told him this) to get serious about a future with me or I was walking. Three weeks later he agreed that he was in it long run. We promised each other the next 5 years together and either I get a proposal at the end or we part ways. Well he has since determined that he wants forever together not just the next 5 years but all I know is I’ll get my proposal sometime before that deadline. (Only 4 and a half years left to go.) But our 2 year anniversary is on the 28th so I’ll let myself dream a little.
Post # 10
my time line in this comming 31st of august ..right after my birthday and 4 months after our 2yr …. yes it is a bail date of sorts. i told my SO that we would no longer be exclusive that we would date other people… we talked about it as soon he told me he wanted to be in a monogamous relationship …. so i’m on count down
Post # 11
Yup, and he knows it. Before I turn thirty.
Post # 12
I really wanted to be engaged by our 2 year anniversary, but it didn’t happen. I had a long serious talk with him about how I couldn’t wait forever and I gave him until our 3 year anniversary in May. Fingers crossed!
Post # 13
We’re currently just past our second anniversary and I only want to wait till our third anniversary. But I’m willing to give him an extra few months in case he wants to propose at Christmas, so my “bail date” is around 3.5 years. I don’t know what I’ll do at that point, as realistically I can’t afford to move out unless I have a much better job by then. I guess I’ll cross that bridge if / when I come to it!
Post # 14
I’ve made a promise to myself that I will have one last talk when our lease is up in February if I don’t feel things have changed at all…I don’t believe in ultimatums, and I’m not saying I’d break things off, but I told him how I feel, and told him with his uncertainties, and how insecure I feel, if we cannot start talking more openly about our future plans, I may need some space while he figures out what it is he wants.
Post # 15
I will never leave my SO. I love him and want to be with him forever. Altho in my head I keep saying IF by our 6 year anniversary I am not engaged, I will prob. tell him I’m leaving and go from there. But I know he is planning to ask me sometime soon(2 weeks/2 months? I have no idea) I don’t want to tell him I’m leaving because I feel like that will hurt our relationship. We tell each other everything so he knows how I feel about it and when I want to be married by.
Post # 16
I told my SO I am NOT tying William and Kate. He knows how I feel about marriage, we’ve had some arguments about it in the past. At 7 years in the next 2 weeks, he should be able to figure out his shit in the next year I think!