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FI and I officially got engaged last week. However, we had decided at the end of the summer when we wanted to get married, and selected a date and then I put a deposit on the church (and sure enough, a week later someone else requested to book the same day).
Now, I am a very independent person (pretty much have raised myself, and have not had parental influence for many years now). And FI is a little intimidated by his parents ... so we selected the date unilaterily (sp?) ... which I still believe is perfectly fine, it is our day after all.
But, how about others, did you check with parents first before selecting a date (and if you did, would you describe your relationship with your parents as close?).
Trying to gauge what FMIL and FFIL reactions are going to be tomorrow when they discover that we have already selected a date and booked the church.
we talked with family, but mostly because we had to pick a time both of our sisters could attend (they're both in school) - then we had a sunday in mind, but flights wouldn't work (it's destination for everyone but us) and we made a decision to move it up one day.
We decided all on our own. Granted, that was about three years ago, but we stuck to it. :)
whenever we get engaged, nah, i doubt if we will consult with anyone because our schedules will have to coincide with each other and it is honestly too much trouble trying to get everyone's schedule to work with our schedule etc. we are 29 and 33 and honestly if you can come you can. if not, you missed a great and awesome party but we'll send you pictures!!
It was such a pain to pick our wedding date! My FI is in the airforce, so he had to figure out when he could take leave for 2 weeks. His brother is an Army Ranger, and they are on deployment schedules so we had to figure out when he could be home for a week. Finally, I'm going to school full time, so we had to figure out final schedules and everything because the only month we could really get married in was May if we wanted everyone to be there. Finally, May 22nd worked! It's the week after finals, and a month before his brother leaves on deployement again :)
We just picked ours, put the deposit down, then said "hey this is when we're getting married!!!" It wasn't around graduations or anything and right smack in the middle of june. It really wasn't an issue...if it was available, you did a smart thing in snapping it up!
We had a lot of people that would be coming from out of town and we have a lot of teachers in the family. So we did ask and make sure that our May date worked for people. We ended up picking Mother's Day weekend, so we made sure to ask most of the moms if they minded 'sharing' their weekend. But in the end, everyone said that it was up to us!
my parents happened to be with us i think when we were setting the date because we were showing his and my parents the venue. but when trying to figure out around when we wanted to have the wedding, we mainly considered my sister, because she's oot and a teacher so i wanted to schedule around her break, which didn't work out anyway.
I picked my perfect wedding date 5 years ago and my future FI's family has known for the past year because we are all very close.... they know how I am and I think they know that it is my way or the highway....especially for this day... Bridezilla anyone? yes I am aware and afraid of what is to come out of this mouth. I will use the bees to keep it under control....
Ya, we have no OOT guests ... I think the only snag is going to be if his parents felt they had a right to decide with us ... I never factor these things in, what parents expect ... because I have my Aunt, and she is support when I need support ... but I don't have any of those obligations when it comes to parent etiquette.
@weaverm: five years ago?! lol how cool is that?! i have changed my mind (and man) from five years ago lol! when is the perfect wedding day? kudos for you for being so determined and having everything work in your favor!
We picked the date but we did discuss it with our family beforehand. Not because they got a say in the decision but because we wanted to make sure the most important people would be able to make it. My BIL is currently studying in Taiwan and we didn't know when he'd be back so it needed to be a day he could be there.
This is a very sensitive topic for me right now, my wedding is 6 weeks away and I just got word on Monday that one of my very close friends who was also my hair & makeup artist can't come - because her sister has announced she is also getting married on the same day. While I think you have the right to choose whatever day you like, I do wish she had asked her immediate family if they already had plans at least - I'm devastated my friend can't be there and the added stress of needing to find a different vendor at this late stage just added to it.
@crebre80/ "Diva" -- HAHA!!!! Now you guys get to see how much of a wedding psycho I really am. My boyfriend is actually my boyfriend from high school. We broke up for some time at the beginning of college but ended up getting back together towards the end of junior year.... I am very close with his family and I knew everyone was going to start bugging us to get married as soon as we graduated college. I told myself, I've been with this guy for a long time and I'm gonna be with him for the rest of my life so I might as well give myself time to get into my career and save money and have the wedding I want! I am a HUGE believer in taking everything one step at a time so you can enjoy every step. So I went to the calendar 5 years from graduation and picked a date. It just so happened that our original first anniversary from high school is on a SATURDAY in 2012. It also happens to be memorial day weekend so I totally have had it called for 2 and a half years now and will be 5 years in the making by the time I get to walk. Now only if I could get him to give me that diamond that I know he has downstairs in his desk and is torturing me with because of the fact that he is aware of my knowledge of it..... So needless to say, I'll be spending a lot of time here!
We ultimately picked the date on our own but we ran it by our family and friends before we signed on. We decided to go with a holiday weekend so we wanted to make sure everyone was willing to go to our wedding on a holiday (Labor Day) before we booked and no one showed! In the end, it is your day--if you have a special day in mind, go for it!
Of course. How awful would it be if you set your date and then found out your mom or your MOH couldn't come? I don't think you really can be upset if a major player in your wedding can't make it if you didn't clear the date.
@weaver: hilarious!! i still don't have any idea, i suppose it would depend on my job, m's club etc
We checked our date with both sets of parents and our officiant. We wanted to make sure the date worked not just for us, but for our family too.
We just asked for time of year from family- got a million requests for March, the date was chosen for us when our venue had that as the only Saturday left.
We talked with family. We chose the date that was one day before my parents' 40th anniversary. They're thrilled that we chose the date we did. :)
We just chose our date, keeping in mind school schedules and anything else happening at that time with our family and friends! It kinda worked for everyone anyway because we chose Memorial Weekend!
Very similar situation!
We chose our date and booked our venue before we announced to ANYONE. We chose both for sentimental reasons and just knew it was right -- plus we wanted to surprise people with an announcement and details! It felt right to do it that way because, although I'm close to my family, I'm VERY independent. So is FI.
It wasn't a problem for my family, but it is a problem for his. They will be travelling across the country, and though we thought we were booking it during their summer vacations, he has teachers in the family and it will conflict with school. We figured since it was summer and we gave a year of notice it was fine... not so much.
After he announced engagement to FMIL, she asked if we could change the date. I was super surprised and fairly insulted!! But the bees have helpfully pointed out to me that it's basically expected that you run the date past immediate family members, so she wasn't doing anything wrong. I see it differently now and plan to write a card thanking her for all the nice things she said when we announced, and to apologize for our goof in not consulting her on the date. I don't feel like that is NECESSARY, but I just want to keep the air clear. Whateves.
Even if they had been in on the decision, we know we would have picked the same date and venue anyway since it was meaningful to us and fits OUR complicated schedules.
I've been thinking about this too, because, as J said when we discussed it, "it's not like my parents are going to have plans a whole year in advance."
BUT he's an only child, and I only have one older brother, who is single as single can be and out of school. So potential for conflicts goes WAY down as you have fewer family members to worry about.
It's when you've got younger siblings who can't get home from college, or Dad travels 5 weeks out of every 2 months, or other crazy scheduling that you have to really worry about consulting your nearest and dearest few on whether or not they'll BE ABLE to attend.
We had a time of year we were targeting and the church gave us the available dates in our time frame. We tentatively reserved the date with the church and then discussed the date with our families and close friend to make sure everyone could be there. Then we finalized the date with the church.
It was very important to us to make sure the people we love the most would be able to make our wedding, which is why we discussed out date with them.
we looked at the weather first (which months would be wedding-friendly and then we talked to our parents. lucky for us, our parents were totally okay with whenever. so the next thing was looking at the venue and when it would be free! after that, TA-DA!
We had a two year engagement, so we were sure peopel would be free, but we still checked. We wanted to make sure our parents and siblings wouldn't have any conflicts. I know they would coem regardless if we picked a date without them, but we wanetd to make sure it was a time that wouldn't conflict with anything else. We also had to make sure it wasn't around other family members weddings.
That being said, we are both close with our parents and siblings.
We definitely talked to family/friends. We knew we wanted May/June but I have a friend graduating law school (checked in on her graduation date), a cousin/BM graduating high school and having prom (needed to avoid those dates), another cousin/GM graduating college, etc. Also, my fiance is a teacher, as are a lot of his friends/GMs. So we needed to pick a date that was after the last day of school.
FBIL did NOT discuss his date with anyone and it's on a Friday right after school starts for FI (best man in the wedding) and right at quarter-end for me (I work in finance). So I'm a little bummed they didn't check in with us because we're going to have a really hard time getting off work and probably won't be able to make the rehearsal!
We only discussed it with immediate family also. Otherwise, you'd never be able to pick a date. As it is a couple friends birthday's are the day of our wedding. At first I felt bad but then I was like, "oh well, you'll have another one!".
We didn't discuss it with our family, but we did keep in mind travel costs and school schedules in choosing our date (it is a destination wedding for most, and we both have numerous siblings traveling with school-age children).
We didn't really talk with our parents, because they didn't care when it was. A couple of my best friends are in grad school though, and I definitely did ask them about it. There was no way I could have our wedding without them able to attend.
We decided that we wanted it in the late summer/early fall then worked with both families to choose which actual date. I think its respectful to get family input as long as they aren't overbearing about it and have good reasons for excluding certain dates.
We checked with our parents.
And since we chose an October date, we checked a Jewish calendar, too, since many of my friends and most of my parents' friends are Jewish. Would stink to realize we scheduled on Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanah. We ended up landing on Sukkot, but that wasn't enough to keep our guests away.
Oh, and we also considered that on of my aunts is the dean of a major university and we didn't want to have it the weekend of homecoming since she might have to work.
We actually booked the date without checking with our families. We had told them the month that we were thinking, but we booked the actual date on our own. We actually knew our venue immediately, so we wanted to get it booked and taken care of very quickly. We got engaged on Friday and went in to meet with the event coordinator on Monday! They only had 2 dates available in May, so we went with the non-Memorial Day weekend one and we were booked.
Our date was far enough in advance (a little over a year) that we knew our immediate families could make accomodations. We didn't have many out of town guests, so it wasn't as big of a travel issue.
We asked our parents for their input first..that way there will be no whining further down the road about an inopportune date! At least, no justified whining.. :)
We chose the date on our own, but we chose a time when FI's Mom is out here anyway. She comes for 3 months every year and our date is at the end of her stay. We got lucky with our venue and with people having that date open, I guess because so far, no one has a conflict. We are older and there are only a few friends on the guest list with small kids. I know they may not be able to come because it is during the school year, but the kids aren't invited and hopefully they can get their grandparents to watch them for the weekend. My close friends with kids have already arranged it that way.
We're both pretty close with our families, and we kind of checked with them before deciding. We knew we wanted September, and we asked our parents if there were any days in that month where people had birthdays, anniversaries or other special events already. We wanted to stear clear of taking anyone else's spotlight. In the end, we ended up booking our date without telling anyone until a few days later, but that was because we had gotten all weekends approved by parents beforehand.
We ran the date by parents and siblings. Which was a good thing we did, beacsue his dad and stepmom had planned a trip (yes- a year in advance). So we didn't pick that weekend! I never would have thought people would have plans that far in advance. Of course you can't plan for everyone- but parents and siblings should be cleared for the date.
Not really. We said we wanted to get married in September. My mom tried to push for May, but we stuck to ou guns and Sept 4 it is.
We all work together, so yes, I did talk to them about the date first but we did end up 3000 miles away from home and on a Friday for the wedding...so go figure.
We definitely discussed it with family - we told FI's mom that we had put a hold on the date and she called us a day later to let us know we had to change it because his cousin's college graduation was the day before our planned wedding date, and as a bunch of FIs relatives don't fly (don't get me started on this), so we would have had a poor showing from his side.
So we moved it up six weeks to late April and to a Friday, since the date we had the hold on was the only available Saturday.
I also double checked with my bridesmaids that a Friday wedding wouldn't be a huge problem for any of them.
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