(Closed) Did you ever cheat or get cheated on and stayed? *Long*

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
23 posts
Newbee

@lioness_89:  

I know how you feel. I too was cheated on by my FI and it was and still is very hard to get over. I am aso searching to find out if one can ever actualy get over being cheated on. Does it eevr go away in life? Like ten years from now will it still be on my mind? I am interested to read other posts. Keep your head up and try your best not to stress.   

Post # 4
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your story sounds amazingly similar to mine (I was very young, too).

Basically, I went out with my ex for 5 years (starting at the end of high school) and found out he had cheated.

I stayed.

He cheated again.

I left.

I’m 30 now and I can tell you that leaving was one of the best decisions of my life.  I grew up and changed so much in the years following that relationship.  I believe young people in unhealthy relationships don’t understand what else is out there and have irrational beliefs that they’ll never find anything better.  I know that was the case for me, anyway (and boy was I wrong).

Post # 5
Member
9825 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I was in a relationship where he cheated, I stayed for a few months after, but ultimately I couldn’t get past the broken trust. Had it been a one time thing, maybe. I never would have found out from him, someone else had to tell me, he didn’t even have the balls to tell me directly. It went on for months with this other person and he could have put me in danger with an STD. Not to mention those months of our relationship were a total lie. I realized that I was beating myself up about it every single day. Fear of not being good enough. I wanted to have sex all the time for fear he’d stray again. I couldn’t do it anymore. I deserved better. I could have stayed and constantly questioned him, checked his cell phone, been paranoid about who he was talking to, but I didn’t want that to be the reality of my relationship. IMO being alone is better than being with a cheater.

So I left after staying and am now married to the right man.

Post # 6
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Yes, both.

FI and I both cheated on each other once. Both while drinking. I actually broke up with him after I had cheated, thinking I wanted to be with the other guy.

I didn’t. At all. College wasn’t an easy time for me and I was really confused about what I wanted through most of it. I thankfully realized that no person can ever compare to him and that I am extremely lucky to have him. Thankfully, he took me back.

When he cheated on me, I was able to forgive him because I truly think he was taken advantage of. He loves me more than any person could ever love me and I know in my heart that he would NEVER do something like that again. Just like I know that I would never do something like that again. We chose to move past it because we want to be with each other.

People make mistakes. I think you truly have to assess whether or not a person will make a habit out of cheating or not. There are some people that only do it once and realize that they aren’t that type of person. And there are some that prove the adage ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ is true. 

 

Post # 7
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

I was once with a guy who cheated on me within the first month of our relationship. He stood me up one night, called to apologize around 11pm, told me he was too tired to come over, and then proceeded to invite a girl 10 years his junior up to his apartment where they slept together and he told me all of the intimate details about it the next day (because, he told me, he thought being completely honest about it would make me feel better…I actually think it was just sadistic).

I tried to forgive and forget. That was a stupid idea. Especially when he decided to try to become business partners with that girl and insisted that nothing was going on, even though their “business meetings” were being held at bars and he would stumble into my apartment (where he was staying rent-free while he was broke) drunk at 2am.

Over two years later, he dumped me, tried to have an open relationship with that girl, had a one night stand with some other girl and got her pregnant. Now he’s a father and still galavanting around with multiple women. Some things never change.

I was stupid. His behavior was deplorable and he blamed it on me. I learned many valuable lessons though, about what I wanted and needed from someone, and I now thank the universe everyday for the wonderful, trust-filled relationship I have with my SO. It’s like night and day.

Post # 8
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I sound similar to other stories- I actually found out I was the ‘other woman’ and that my ‘supposed boyfriend’ was cheating on his girlfriend of 3 years with me.  They broke up and I forgave him- but only kind of forgave him. Everytime I was mad it flared back up. I realized I’d never get over what he’d done because anytime he could find a girl like me and lie to her like he had to me…so I left him.  Best decision ever, he still works at kmart and lives with his mom xD

Post # 9
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I couldn’t get over the cheating. So I cheated. It was a complete mess. I was the other-other woman at one point.

Long-story-short, leaving was the BEST thing I have ever done. You being angry at him or not having sex shouldn’t be an excuse for him to cheat on you. You will have times in your life where you are upset or not feeling each other. Knowing that he would or could run away during those times (instead of being supportive) would make me paranoid.

You deserve better.

Post # 11
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It sounds like you haven’t really gotten over him cheating. If you guys don’t work on this together, you never really will. If he’s willing to work on this with you, you might stand a chance. But if you just sweep it under the rug – no way. I don’t think you’ll be able to just “let it go.” You need to work through it, if you’re going to stay with him.

I also wanted to say I see a giant red flag in something you wrote. You said,

“…in a way I felt it was my fault why he had to look for what I couldnt give him somewhere else…”

NO. No, no, no, no, no. Do NOT blame yourself for him cheating. Admit your faults in the relationship, absolutely. But it was him who chose to CHEAT rather than work on those things or simply break it off with you because the relationship wasn’t working for him. He had both of those options, and instead of acting like an honorable person who respected you, he chose to cheat. That is NOT your fault. It was his choice.

Post # 13
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Yes. FI and I have been together a LONG time (well over 10 years), since high school. During the first few months of our relationship I moved and we tried to do the LDR, well I guess we did do it – at least I thought we were. Anyway, he ended up sleeping with someone else, all while we were still together. I ended up moving back to town, and for months I never knew, all the while carrying on like nothing was wrong. Finally, someone had the decency to tell me that I should maybe look into it. I did, and he denied denied denied. Finally after a couple of weeks he broke down in tears, because I wouldn’t let it go, and confessed. I felt like an IDIOT that ALL these people new (small town, high school) and I didn’t. 

I honestly think most of it boiled down the fact that when I moved he didn’t want to break up, but I think after a few months it seemed like LDR was a lost cause. He admitted that it was only one time, and happened when he and this girl were hanging out. 

In return, about a year later I cheated on him. I was out of town for an event with a mutual friend (and one of her male friends). He kept hitting on me, we were sitting around drinking, and ended up hooking up. I was loving the attention, had had my friend in my ear going “well…bf cheated on you, this is your chance to get back at him”. It was really stupid,  but high school logic doesn’t always make sense.

I’ll be really honest, for years we dwelled on it. We kept saying that it was forgiven, but in my head (and his) it wasn’t. We stayed together, but for many years it was an underlying issue in our relationship. At about 7 years together we were living out of state together, both in college. It was a really bad year for us, relationship wise. We fought all the time, and while the cheating was never brought up I know a lot of our issues were because it really hadn’t been forgiven. At one point we had a knock down (well, not really, but it was that bad) drag out argument that I thought was the break up.

We stuck it out, because by that point we’d already been together 7 years. That’s a long time to just call it quits. Finally we made the decision, we either had to totally forgive and forget – or break up. We made the decision to forgive/forget, and truly commit to doing so, and we did. No more was it brought up in fights, and you know what, after a while it really did become a thing of the past. Now I don’t even EVER think about it or have it cross my mind unless a thread like this comes up. 

For me, I looked back and recognized that we both did these things when we were VERY young. Youth, hormones, and peer pressure makes you do really dumb things. I think it is possible to get through it, but you both have to really want to.

Post # 14
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t think once a cheater, always a cheater, but for me personally, cheating is a complete deal breaker.

With the boyfriend before my now-husband, we were together about 4.5 years. He cheated on me once in the very beginning of our relationship (and never admitted to it, but I found out later it was true) and later on in the relationship. He admitted it the second time and was remorseful, but it was too little too late. I mean if you felt so bad, why in the world did you do it in the first place? Our relationship was extremely immature, he was incredible selfish, and my self-esteem was ruined. I left and never looked back. It was hands down the best decision of my life to this point.

My husband has never cheated on me, never made me feel insecure, and is 100% up front with me about everything. Sometimes he tells me *too* much (I really don’t need to know that you felt bad for noticing some lady’s butt. I notice it too! LOL)

Everyone has their own level of dealing with these things, so you need to figure out if you and your relationship could withstand this and recover to a point where cheating won’t be in your mind all the time.

Post # 16
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m kind of ashamed to admit this, but I used to have a huge cheating problem. I cheated on all of my boyfriends with the exception of FI. (When I say “cheated,” I mean kissing and such, not actual sex. And there was emotional cheating, too.)

Most of them never found out. The few that did, well, I would be so upset and apologize profusely, because I really did regret hurting them like that. But the trust never came back, and those relationships tanked.

When I look back on it now, I realize that a lot of my behavior was driven by the simple fact that those exes and I were not compatible long-term. It always came down to us basically having a difference of opinion as far as how serious our relationship was or what sort of expectations we had for each other. At the time, I had a deep fear of being single and alone, so I would just cling to any guy no matter how incompatible we were. But our fundamental differences would always eventually lead to me trying to find “Mr. Right” on the side, which would result in cheating, which would result in distrust, which would result in more disagreements, which would result in me trying to find the mythical Mr. Right. Rinse and repeat.

Now that I have FI, I’ve realized how important it is to have a partner who is on the same page as me – whose expectations and beliefs about our relationship are in line with my own. We’re going on two years together and I’ve never once had the urge to cheat. Our awesome compatibility is a huge factor in the success of our relationship.

@lioness_89: I’m happy for you, that you were able to work through the cheating and create a stronger relationship. That’s hard to do, so kudos to you 🙂

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