Post # 1
I am very new to these boards, and wanted to ask a you all a question that’s been on my mind for a few weeks. Did any of you have doubts about your fiance before getting engaged?
A little back-story…
I have been with my boyfriend for about 3.5 years, and within the past four months or so he has been talking a lot more about our future. He has also said that he is going to propose to me within the next year. We are planning to move in together this summer. For nearly our entire relationship, I was dying for him to bring up engagement, and couldn’t wait for him to put a ring on it. I fantasized about us moving in together and starting our life as a married couple. He was my best friend and I was so in love with him.
Now that I know a proposal is coming up, I’m FREAKING OUT! All his little mannerisms that I used to brush off have started to annoy me, because I start thinking of them as things that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. All of a sudden, I’ve started to doubt our compatability, and as a result I’ve found myself feeling less attracted to him. I am constantly picking fights (this could also be related to stress from impending grad school finals, but I digress 🙂 ). I imagine my single girl life ending, and that terrifies me. Am I sure there’s no one better out there?
And yet … I can’t imagine my life without him, and aside from my best girl friend, he is absolutely my best buddy.
Is this normal? Am I just going through the typical pre-marriage freak-out, a little bit early?
I would love your stories on whether you had a similar experience when you knew things were starting to get REALLY serious.
Thank you so much!
Post # 3
I had some nervousness, but honestly it sounds like you’re having some serious reservations…
One thing that stood out to me was “Am I sure there’s no one better out there?”
Post # 4
In your case, I would say not to ignore those things. I learned long ago not to ignore red flags and it certainly seems (to me) that you’ve got a few waving right at you.
I think you should take some time to yourself, (maybe go stay with a girlfriend for the weekend, not like a “I need some time” but just a “I wanna spend some girl time with so-and-so ) and think long and hard about the choices you will be faced with in the near future.
*Hugs* Good luck.
Post # 5
I think you are just scared and that’s driving some of your sabotoging behavior. It’s a defense mechanism. You need to figure out why that’s happening. But it’s normal to have reservations…if you don’t then great, good for you. If someone tells you they never have, they are lying through their teeth.
I see lots of posts on here of ” omg we are so perfect” or “omg i am so in love” or “things will always be butterflies”…There was a time a felt that way, but now I know I love the person I will be marrying and he is the best choice for me, but I doubted too and I was unsure too.
However, I went through a stage you are exactly describing, nit-picking, getting annoyed with small habits, sad in some ways I am no longer going to be single (but when i was single I wanted to be with someone), the thrill of meeting a guy that happens to be attractive, but wait you are no longer on the market type of feeling. That’s normal and natural. There a lots of books to read. There’s one in particular called 52 Fights, I forget by who, but it’s about a woman and her relationship and the normal concerns/doubts and typical scenarios that would make you question yourself, relationship, what you are doing, about to do (say I do), etc.
People say this is the happiest time in your life, but there is material out there addressing the scary side and the concerns and the what-ifs.
Hang in there, you’ll get it figured out.
Post # 6
You can never know for certain if there is someone better out there because you can’t date everyone in the world. The question is, can you choose to love this person the way he is and be happy that way?
In my case I did not have any of these doubts, but I’m sure there will be posters who did and had things work out fine.
Post # 7
I think that’s fairly normal. You’re just realizing that you might have to deal with his dirty socks on the floor for the rest of your life and that’s SCARY! haha. I read a magazine article recently in one of the bridal magazines that said sometimes after you get engaged, you start nit-picking because you’re realizing it’s forever. That being said, it is a BIG decision and if the things that are bothering you are big things, pay attention. If it’s small stuff, I wouldn’t worry too much because there will never be anyone who doesn’t have some annoying mannerism.
Post # 8
@peggysue: I’m finally responding three weeks later. Oops! Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for your fabulous response; you hit the nail on the head! I have given a lot of thought to the little things that were annoying me, and have come to realize that my feathers were ruffled because a) I was stressed about finals and b) I always overanalyze decisions (even about what to have for dinner!) in order to make sure I’m making the best possible choices. At the end of the day, his sometimes-annoying little habits are just that – little habits – and in the context of the rest of our relationship and everything else about his personality and life, they dont’ matter. In fact, most of the time they don’t bother me at all. It’s just when I’m feeling stressed and looking for somethingone to pick on!
Thanks for all the support. It really means a lot to me to hear that everyone has their moments of doubt!
Post # 9
Yeah. Honestly, I noticed SO many things that annoyed me about FH. I realized that we don’t have a whole lot in common. And I was thinking how the hell is this going to work?
But, we talk about it and it’s worked so far. I’m always going to be annoyed at something that FH does, but I’m sure I do things that annoy him.
I get worse when I’m stressed, which is a lot more than I’d like to be as of late.
Post # 10
This post is awesome. I have these feelings, in fact you described my feelings perfectly. I think this is a normal part of any relationship (think of even friends! No one is perfect!!!) I am glad I’m not the only one here. I love my fiance and our life together, but it is absolutely terrifying…and I think that is ok.
Post # 11
I definitly can relate!! My Fiance is an amazing guy, but knowing it’s forever you get scared at annoying habits that you have to deal with FOREVER. I for one get annoyed at his lack of motivation to exercise and the smoking. But in the scheme of everything, is that a good reason to dump him? He is great in EVERY other way. I do pick fights and nitpick as well but I realize I am not perfect and I definitly wouldn’t be happy if I let him go. Thanks for writing.
Post # 12
I can’t thank you all enough for your great responses! It is so comforting to know that others can relate. I go through phases with the freak outs. Right now, I’m in a calm phase where everything feels great and I’m very confident that he’s the one, and other times … well, you know 🙂