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I would ask why he thinks he would be "old" at 30-something. And what he thinks your kids would miss out on (for the sake of 2 years). I think if you know his fears, you may be able to set them at rest.
My parents were "older" parents and I never suffered for it. In fact, I wanted for nothing because they both had strong careers and solid foundations. My mum was 37 when I was born, 39 when my brothers were born (twins). We were all naturally conceived, naturally birthed, and although there were fears of autism, downs syndrome etc with my mum having children later in life my brothers and I are totally fine. We ran and played like other kids. I still had active grandparents as I was growing up, and 3 are around now. My OH is 33, and there are no plans for children in the immediate future, (though I admit having children much beyond 40 would be hard).
The idea of kids scares me too, but I want them in the future. Heck, the idea of getting married used to scare me 2 years ago.
Sorry if I'm not much help. Best wishes and good luck.
I never had the "motherly instinct" and am still not sure if I want children. I never had that feeling that I couldn't wait to have kids....that just wasn't and still isn't a goal in my life. I always say that I will know when the time is right IF I decide I want to be a mom. I'm 29 and don't feel anything ticking...
The way I see it, if YOU are not ready, you will be regretful and have resentment. Don't let anyone pressure you into having a child if you are not sure that you are ready for it. You will be the one carrying the child, going through the pregnancy, and most likely, doing most of the child-rearing while the baby is young. It's easy for anyone else to say "oh have a baby!" but they do not have to raise it! One you have a kid, it will be there the rest of your life! Make sure you do everything (or most) of what you want and achieve your goals before you fully commit yourself to a new person so you do not have regret.
You need to have a serious discussion with your fiance before you get married, so that you are both on the same page and have the same goals.
Good luck!
I didn't think I ever wanted kids until I met FI. I would still consider him the driving force behind us having kids; if he didn't want them, I would be just fine to carry on the two of us. FI and I are both 28 and will 29 in May/June and we don't plan to TTC for at least 2 years. I don't think in this day and age that early 30's is "old" for having kids AT ALL! I would say it is more then norm.
You and FI really need to have a good long talk about this. What are your apprehensions about having kids? What are his about waiting? Can you compromise and agree to have another discussion about kids 6 months into marriage and every 6 months until you are ready?
I've always wanted kids but used to always say that I wasn't going to have them. I bascially said that because I knew if I said I wanted kids my mother and my FI mother was constantly bug me about having them. We aren't even married yet and they have been on my case for the past 2-3 years. It was just easier to make them think I didn't want any.
I always said I didn't want kids my entire life. When DH and I started dating I told him this. He said he always thought he would have more, he has one from his first marriage, but that it wasn't a deal breaker. About a year in I started to feel like I might want to have children. I had turned 30 and a bunch of things changed. Then I said that we should wait a year after we got married. Our one year anniversary is in less than a week and I'm 3 months pregnant already. You might be surprised about what can change ins such a short time.
My FI and I had a discussion about this last night. Which is why i am bringing it up on here. We have been dating for almost 7 years. But he is more of the silent strong type. And i am more of the talker for sure.. Who am i kidding. i dotn stop talking. So everything that comes up, I always talk about. His concerns are having kids as early as possible so we can be young parents thru out. The more and more I talk about it, i guess i become more comfortable with it. But 6 months into a marriage, i kinda just want to enjoy it! And not start popping out kids. And trust me, i completely get hiss point of view, bc with all my nagging, i am kinda on the same page as him. I dont want to be 50 years old and still raising my kids. I want them to be in college by then and living their own lives!! With that said, it still really scares me simply put, bc i think my life will end and no more fun with the friends, hang outs on the weekends, glasses of wine with my girlfriends once or twice a week,. Everything i've become so accustomed to will change. And that scares me. That my life will revolve around a little baby. What if my marraige suffers? Ofcourse i think of all of the negative aspects of parenthood.. The dirty diapers, the sleepless nights, the arguing i saw my parents do when we were growing up. Its just scaring me..
@kim14410: All of your concerns are valid, but totally in your control. DH has a son that is with us every day that I love an adore. I became an instant Mom. However, my husband is my number one priority. I know that keeping my marriage fresh and alive, my husband still wanting me, and taking time for us, will benefit our children in the long run. Having happy parents can do wonders for a child. I still go out with my friends whenever I want. I have friends who never leave their children with anyone and who are essentially glued to their children. Not me. I know going out, keeping my own identity, will keep me sane. I don't want to just be someone's Mom. I want to be too.
yup! we had both at some point said it but here I am, 39 weeks pregnant waiting on our son....lol
We actually had "the talk" about 2 years before getting married/engaged. We'd been together for almost a decade. (I'm 31, he's 47) maybe you can compromise? Turn that 6 months into your one year anniversary?
I totally get the 'wanting to enjoy marriage thing'. FI and I are not at all interested in having kids for the most part. He says he'd like one (likely no more than that), but not until we are in our mid-30s (about 10 years from now). FI will also be starting medical school next year, so I think of these next 8 or so years as a time when it would be a terrible idea for us to have kids. He won't have time!
I was discussing this with a neighbor recently and I have to say, I do hate it when women put too much emphasis on what they think they should do, or what others say they should do (not that I think this is wht you're doing). It is flattering to hear you'll be a good parent or mom, but that doesn't mean all of a sudden your heart feels that it's right to have a child. I think there are three kinds of people who have children: people who truly WANT children, people who have children to fill a void in their lives, and people who have children because they themselves had a shitty childhood and want to prove they don't have to do this to their child. The latter two of these aren't exactly good reasons to have kids, in my opinion. I hate that there is a stigma that there is something wrong or selfish with people who don't want to have kids. It's not a requirement. If you don't want to have kids and actually end up NOT having kids, don't you think you're doing yourself and a potential child a favor? I don't want to haev a kid for the hell of it if I know it's not in my heart, because surely that will make me less of a parent that a child deserves.
Anyway, it seems you're confused and I understand that. You were caught off guard. If your heart and instincts say that children are just not part of the life you want, I wouldn't feel a single bit of guilt about that.
However, I think there is something to be said for waiting if you do decide you want kids. MY cousin and her husband waited until they were 38 and 40 respectively to have their daughter. I have friends who are 25-28 that have kids. My cousins daughter is an only child, but is totally grounded, down-to-earth, mature, intelligent, and well-rounded. Her parents were established and mature when they had her, and they have all the time in the world to give her (my cousin homeschools her and they are involved in COUNTLESS groups/activities). My younger friends either got pregnant by mistake or just had kids young and they are busy, struggling, and still trying to figure out who they are, all while raising kids. I think there is A LOT to be said for waiting to have a child. Sure, you may be 55 at a highschool graduation, but is 55 really all that old any more? I don't think so.
Thank you everyoe for your kind words and advice.. I guess i just need to let it settle in, and see how i feel about it.. I think i do want children at some point.. I just dont know when... :/
I didn't think I would ever want kids or have kids and I too, am somewhat of a "hard" person. I got pregnant at 27 with my now-husband's baby and when I found out I cried because I really wasn't sure I could do it.
I'm 30 now, our son is 2 and I cannot explain to you in words how much my little boy means to me. It is the greatest love I've ever known and I am amazed by him every day. I can't picture life without him and I was never a softie until I had this boy! He opened up a part of my heart that I never even knew I had.
That being said, we got pregnant only 9 months into our relationship and even though I have no regrets, I will say that we didn't have much time to just enjoy eachother before we had a baby. We are married now and are newlyweds with a 2 yr old so it's a little different from most newlyweds. So my advice would be to enjoy being newlyweds for awhile if you and your husband can both agree to wait a little while.
Someone once told me you will never regret having a baby, but you will regret NOT having one. that might not be true for everyone, but this is coming from someone who never thought I would have a baby and it turned out to be the best thing I've ever done!!
We're not having kids. I'll be 28 this month, hubs turns 30 next year. I have always said I didn't want kids, and never thought I would change my mind. I was adamant with hubs while we dated that I didn't want to have kids, so if he did, he needed to find someone else to marry. I made it very clear that I would not change my mind, so don't go into this marriage if you want kids at all and think you would regret it later in life. Luckily, we both feel the same way. We love our nieces and nephews, and friends kids, but we also love coming home to our quiet house with our fish, dog and cat. I think our lives will be anything but lonely, and can't wait for the adventures we will be able to have since we won't have kids tying us down. My family is totally fine with it, but his family still tells me I might change my mind. THankfully, I have an 8 month old niece, so she's getting a lot of attention, so the spotlight has been taken off us for a while!
I was thinking about permanent sterilization, but am now leaning more towards egg donation a couple times before I go that route.
I don't want kids, never have. I am always very clear about this. I do not enjoy children, never have. I honestly can not think of one reason why I would ever want to have one. I am not motherly in the least. Well actually my cousin had a son who I adore but the best part is I can hand him back when he gets fussy, messy or loud. I am not around him much and I didn't have to carry him for 9 months. I think I'll make a good aunt but not a good mother. Not everyone is made to have children and people who are not should stick to their gut feeling.
The only times I have ever thought I wanted children was after my ops for endo, where I think it was a bit of shock/wanting what I might not be able to have. I have since had time to reflect, and am back to where I've been for most of my life: not wanting children. I do not like children (I don't find them interesting and can't relate to them, maybe because I've not spent much time around kids), I want to travel, I want to have expendable income and not be worrying about money, I want to be able to go out for dinner with my OH without worrying about finding a babysitter, I don't want to take time out of work to raise a child, etc. I think I'd be a good parent, but that isn't enough; if I don't really really want children, why on earth would I have them?
I disagree that you don't regret having children, but regret not having them. It depends on the person. Plenty of parents who are totally honest will admit there are times when they think 'what if we hadn't had kids...' I don't want to be like that. I also think if I had children I'd be thinking about everything else I missed out on to do it: financial security and stability, freedom/independence, being able to travel and see the world, career progression. These things are important to me; so it makes zero sense to me to have children if I don't want them, on the basis that in 15 years time I might regret my choice; that's just a really really bad reason to do something as big as bring a child into the world.
I think you need to think about what you REALLY want: do you honestly, 100%, deep-down, want children, or are you being influenced by your OH and by society? If you do not definitely want children, personally, I wouldn't do it. There is also really no rush; my mum was 36 when she had me, and 40 when she had my brother, and these days, that really isn't old at all. My concern with rushing into it because your OH is pressuring you is that this willl lead to resent. Not everyone takes to motherhood like a duck takes to water; some women struggle with postnatal depression, you might suffer physical changes that affect your confidence and ability to enjoy sex, and motherhood is absolutely knackering, you will have numerous sleepless nights, etc. So my personal feeling is that to rush into all that before you're 100% ready, is a bad idea, and could make you resent your OH in the long-run.
It does also kind of annoy me how men are so often desperate to be fathers, on the assumption that the woman will be the primary care giver, take a career break, etc. When discussing this with my OH (he wanted children originally; now he's not sure, and is increasingly coming round to my way of thinking), I said I would consider it if he was desperate for kids, and would be happy to be the main care-giver, taking time out of work to change nappies all day, etc. Funnily enough it made him really think twice, and really understand how I felt; now, his friends have had a baby and he was saying how happy he is that we can enjoy nights out whenever we want, and aren't facing a weekend of cleaning up poo and puke.
I always said that "I don't want kids". DH goes back and forth- one day he's saying he wants 3 and the next he's saying he doesn't know if he ever wants them. We were 28 & 29 when we married last August, so I know about that annoying ticking time clock.... I'd like to have a family someday, and I think deep down he does too, but we're just not ready. I think babies are adorable and he thinks they look "all wrinkled and hairless" (his words, not mine). I'm not very good with other people's kids tho, but for some reason they love me... I hear it's very different once they're your own. :)
I'm in the camp of wanting kids, just not right away in marriage. We're trying right now after being married two years. I couldn't see myself taking on motherhood right after buying a home and adjusting to married life. It's okay to want to wait to have kids or not at all. Your timeline is different from others which is completely normal. I know someone who was against kids for the longest time who had her first. In FB discussions with her, once she married her husband, she knew that she wanted kids. It took them a long time to conceive thanks to screwed up cycles, etc. She may gush a ton about her kid on FB, but she's waited a long time for their little one to enter their family. I couldn't be happier for her.
I think it probably is different with your own; but my feelings are that when you have kids, you can hardly just spend time with your kids. What about birthday parties? Unless you want your child to be a social outcast at school, chances are you'll have to throw a party for them with all their 'lovely' little friends. Or have friends round after school. Or suddenly start going to 'family' parties rather than ones with just adults. That to me is like my worst nightmare lol
@barbie86: I totally agree with everything you said, except I love my nieces and nephews (a few friends kids too). Which I think makes people confused. Apparently, playing with them and loving being around them should make me want kids. Not in the least! I can't wait to get home and look at my husband and be so thankful that we don't have kids!! Neither of us want to raise a kid, and we want to be able to do what we want when we want
Everyone seems to say the same thing "but its differnet when its your own." I honestly don't believe that is true for everyone at all. What if you have the baby, then realize that its not what you want, and it makes you miserable and you project that onto your child? There are many people in this world who have them and shouldn't, so I get really annoyed when I give all my reasons for not having a kid, and then someone says that to me. Among some of the other stupid reasons they believe I deep down want a kid...smh
@barbie86: There's really no way to know how much joy a child can bring to your life unless you have had them. Your own child is in NO way like other people's children, but it's difficult to explain until you've actually had your own. Trust me, I still get annoyed by other people's kids but I have an immense amount of patience for my own. I never felt that I was the motherly type, I thought I was too selfish for children and I was the person who enjoyed my freedom more than anyone I know. But I would have missed out on the greatest gift of my life if I hadn't had my son.
I'm not saying everyone should have kids, if you don't want them, then don't have them. I'm just saying that you can't really understand what it's like to have them if you're basing it on other people's kids and you don't have your own. You definitely do sound like someone who shouldn't have kids though, if you think having a Birthday Party is your worst nightmare. Watching my child eat his first Birthday cake was one of the greatest moments ever!
Count me in. And I kind of feel your pain, but I'm in more of a "rush" situation.
I'll be going on 36 and he'll be going on 27 when we get married. So if we want to capitalize on my dwindling chances of conceiving, we have to start trying right away. It's funny, cause I was the girl who wanted to get her tubes tied at 25. I have never been maternal or enjoyed kids very much, but recently the urge has started to kick in. I don't know if it's age or love, but it happened.
We did have the talk before engagement. I was honest in my concerns about kids. About me being less than enthusiastic about kids, partially because I think I'm selfish and won't be a nurturing mother and also because of my age. Believe me, I'm scared as hell about being an "old" mom (which you are far from being). But I guess everything happens as it should. It's all about being honest with yourself and with your partner. Its also about having faith. Life changes, and change is scary.
@MrsSl82be: I will be honest, I worried about that when I was pregnant (about having the baby and resenting him) but nothing remotely like that happened. When he was born I instantly loved him and now at the age of 2, I would give my little man my life and all the fears I had at that time sound silly to me.
I don't think most humans/women are built that way-to resent or hate their own children (unless you're Casey Anthony) in which case, yes I totally agree don't have children!
But back to the OP, she sounds like she does want kids, she's just not ready. And to everyone else-to each his own.
This really really annoys me. I have very valid reasons for not wanting children; yeah, it MIGHT be different, but at 25, I know myself, and what I want, and what I like. I KNOW I would love a child, no doubt about it. I KNOW I would be a good parent. Equally, I KNOW I would really hate the lack of independence, the strain on finances, etc etc. Plenty of people who have children do have regrets, and I know I would be among them, because I feel so strongly about it. I don't even 'quite like' the idea; the ONLY 'pros' I have are: I'd be a good parent (no way would my child be a spoilt brat like so many these days, but I would also do the best to provide for a child and give them a secure, stable home life); I quite like the idea of being pregnant and giving birth; I think it must be fascinating to have a baby (a bit like when you're little and get a toy you've wanted for ages and you can't stop looking at it, and think 'oh my god, this is mine!'). But those are not good reasons; the only really good reason is because you want children.
For you, having a child brings you joy; for me, I think there would be brief flashes of joy, and then a whole lot of c*** I don't want to deal with. I firmly believe that for every one of those great little moments (child taking it's first steps for instance), there's a lot of stress, and exhaustion; which is fine if you want children, because those moments of joy outweigh those negatives. Whereas if you don't want children, I do think there is a chance you will spend too much time thinking 'what if...' And that for me isn't right; it isn't fair on the child, they didn't ask to be born.
@barbie86: I totally agree with you. I WOULD resent my child at some point in its life, more often than I probably should, and that's ok. Just another very good reason I'm not reproducing :)
@Cougar09: Thank yhou so much.. Your worlds were really comforting and helpful.. I feel I am on a similar level of awareness as you.. This was the advice i was waiting for i guess " It's all about being honest with yourself and with your partner. Its also about having faith. Life changes, and change is scary."
Thank you for kind words :)
It's funny how people don't understand how you might like children, but not want your own; I don't really get why it's so hard to grasp lol. I mean, I like fast sports cars, but I wouldn't choose to buy one because I live in a town, and the high insurance and tax would really drain my finances. It's kind of the same with children: liking them is totally different to wanting one of your own.
Of course, I just don't like children at all (I can bear them if they're quiet, and I like older children (eg 12 and above) where you can actually talk to them); small children just irritate me. I know some people don't understand this, but I've always felt like this and can't help it. I would never show it of course, but I can't change my feelings. Yet, people STILL tell me I 'should' have children; surely of all the reasons to not have them, not liking them is a pretty good one?! (not that other reasons aren't valid; I just don't get why anyone would say 'oh no, but you'll change your mind/I'm sure you do want them deep down/it'll be different with your own, when I have just said I don't like children... Would they come out with the same things if I said I don't like Range Rovers and don't want to buy one? Or that I don't like dogs and would never have one? What is the difference?..)
@barbie86: I think they think the same things about us. They can't understand how we are so sure we dont' want a "little bundle of joy" for ourselves, because they love their kids to pieces. Which is fine...but don't tell me that every mother loves their child. That just makes me start thinking about the women in jail who don't give two shits about their kids, who physically throw them away like they are garbage, beat them til they die, and all the other horrible things people can do. Not that either of us are like that, but it just proves the point that not everyone is the mothering type
Its a case of having to agree to disagree, because one side can't see the others side
I think people just need to be more respectful of others and understand that what works for them, might not work for someone else. There are some pretty militant childfree people out there who frankly drive me mad (talking about overpopulation, calling parents really awful names, etc); equally, there are some pretty militant parents out there who cannot accept that someone else wouldn't want children. It's similar with religion I think.
Whereas, despite the fact I am an atheist, and I don't want children; but I totally understand and respect people who believe in God, or who do want children. I would never question someone who wants children (unless I was genuinely concerned about them, eg they were in an abusive relationship); I just ask that people respect MY choice, and don't question me.
I have always been the girl that hasnt wanted kids. I remember being a little girl and playing "house" and I never wanted to be the "mother" , it just had ever sound fun to me.. Or even in high school when being at the mall, I just couldn't stand the sound of a baby crying. Then I got pregnant in high school (I was 16), and now that I am in my 20's I want 20 kids!| (well maybe not that much.. lol).
@kim14410: I swore up and down I would never have children. I didn't like kids. They were annoying and loud and constantly getting themselves into near-death experiences. (I have two younger sisters and countless cousins, so I considered this an informed opinion, haha.) And above all, they were a timesuck that would take a normal human being and turn them into a mindless shell of a person, incapable of having their own life or thoughts or desires except for those related to their kids. And then one day in junior year of college, my insurance company decided not to cover my birth control for that month. I, like an idiot, said "Oh well" and went off to have copious amounts of unprotected sex with my boyfriend. Surprise, surprise, six weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test.
Amazingly, though, I love my kid. I love being her mom. She's just awesome. Watching her grow from a tiny, helpless baby into a smart, sweet toddler has been such a mind-blowing experience. I wouldn't trade her for anything. I mean, her dad and I haven't been together since she was four months old, and I deal with countless custody and child support issues on a regular basis, and yes, it's crazy-stressful being thrust into this situation when I didn't want or plan for it, but she's worth it. All of it.
And the cool thing is, I'm still me. I'm just me as a mom. I'm me a little bit more grown up and more responsible. But I still have fun. I still have friends. I still get to do grown-up things. Maybe not as often as I used to, and maybe not the extent I used to -- I haven't gotten falling-down drunk in almost 5 years, and oddly enough, I don't miss that at all! -- but I still do the things I like to do. And what's even more fun is sharing those things with her (the things appropriate for a toddler, anyway). We go to parks and museums and we draw and paint and color and sing and cook. She's sassy and cute and just as funny as my grown-up friends -- just in her own little way.
All that being said, my current SO and I are on the fence about having a child after we get engaged and married. He thinks he wants one eventually. I think that even though I love my daughter, I am still a person who is hesitant about having another child. I can handle one, but I'm not sure it's in me to handle two. We've talked about it. He said if I want another one, great. If I don't, he's okay with that, too.
Sorry for the tl;dr! I guess the whole point of this post was to say that I understand exactly how you feel and what your concerns are. I had them, too. And things turned out pretty well for me. But like everyone else has said, it's ultimately up to you to decide what you're comfortable with. I think you and your FI are just going to have to sit down and discuss your options: kids earlier, kids later, or no kids at all. I think both of you have to be comfortable with the potential for all three of those scenarios. If one of them is a dealbreaker, that's a problem that definitely needs to be addressed. Ultimately, neither of you should be coerced into a decision that you know will make you unhappy in the future.
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I am to be married next August. My FI has never even brought up babies before we got engaged... And then one night amoungst our friends, he said oh yeah were gonna start having kids right after we get married.. I almost spit out my drink.. I have never heard him talk like this. And Since then. it hasnt really been brought up again until last night.. When I brought it up after dinner. I asked him if he is REALLY serious about having a child rigth after we get married. I told him I wanted to wait a bit and let all this sink in. Bc i was ALWAYS that girl saying eh im never having kids.. I've never been a "warm" person.. I'm a little hard, and tough, but have gotten much softer in my later 20's. I think I just said I'm not having children bc i was always scared of the thought and couldnt imagine myself with a baby in my arms. But now its a little different. I mean i think about it.. But my biological clock is certainly not ticking like some of m friends. NOW with that said, I know someday i will have children, (i think) but i could never deprive my FI of children as he wants them so much. He would be an amazing father. My friends all say I would be a great mother. Its just so scary to think my entire life is going to change. And who knows for the better?! I dunno I just have so many doubts.. He wants kids before were 30. Were getting married next summer and i turn 29 about 6 months later... So literally. We would need to start trying 6 months after we get married.. I told him i wanted to wait a year atleast. and he was like yeah and then a year turns into 2 years and then we are gonna end up as old parents.. Ladies i culd really use some advice! I'm sorry for all the typos. I'm to lazy to go correct them all