Post # 1
So in preparation to propose, I wanted to get a sense of how many of your men/women actually asked for your hand in marriage.
I didn’t ask my gf’s father but I told her mother of my plans (because she is the more traditional one and would have held it against me if i didn’t let her know) And her dad loves me, she tells me that he put me in his phone as “son”
I REALLY have a problem with asking for permission because it goes back to a paternalistic society that we have and it makes it seem like I’m asking for his property and I didn’t want to do that.I mean, we’re still gonna have him walk her down the aisle, but thats not as bad as asking for her hand in marriage to me.
Did you want your fiance to ask your father? would you still marry him even if you knew he didn’t.
Post # 3
He did because he knew my parents would like it (don’t want to start off on the wrong foot with in-laws), but I didn’t want him too. I’m still not thrilled about it. But on the up side he wasn’t asking “permission”. More asking for his blessing, or giving him a heads up. Also I knew he was proposing, picked out the ring, so it’s not like he went to my dad before me.
Post # 4
I did not want him to, and he did not. I am an independant, adult woman and I don’t live under my dad’s roof, neither am I dependent on his will when it comes to my life. I love my dad, but I can make my own choices. If FI would have asked him, I would have felt diminished as a woman.
That being said, to ma a blessing is different from asking permission. While they both request some sort of approval, I believe the blessing doesn’t imply that your FFIL can decide for your girlfriend ; the decision is all hers, and if her father is happy about your engagement (or decision to propose) then it’s a bonus. But plain asking … to me it’s offensive. That would mean my FI is not confident enough in his decision to marry me that he NEEDS to ask permission, and it would also mean that my father doesn’t value my capacity to make my own decisions (though I’m sure he would have told my FI it was my decision, not his). That’s how he raised me after all!
Post # 5
My fiance asked My mother, My father, and my grandmother for their blessing. He went to the house and told them his intentions. He said he would be honored to be part of the family and they told him he already was family. Had he not had their blessing we would not be getting married. He knew the three most important people in my life would want to know, and its a huge sign of respect.
Post # 6
@otto2008: DH didn’t ask. He told them he was going to propose because he had to tell SOMEONE, lol. I wasn’t offended. As much as I love my dad I am not property, and he doesn’t own me. Nobody needs to ask his permission to marry me, especially when I am a mature adult, paying my own bills and making my own life.
Post # 7
My father passed away when I was 10, and I had always thought my fiance would ask my mom or brother before he proposed. Instead, he ended up keeping the proposal a total surprise from my family because he feared my mom wouldn’t be able to keep the secret (which is probably true!). I didnt mind at all, and actually loved that the proposal was a secret from everyone because it made sharing the news that much more exciting 🙂 I say if it’s important for you to not participate in a tradition that pays homage to a paternalistic society and you don’t think your future fiancee will mind, then do what you feel is best!
I definitely think your FI will marry you even if you choose not to ask her family for permission 🙂
Post # 8
My fiance did. I didn’t mind either way, but I thought it was sweet that he did. He called and when my mom answered, said he had a question about his truck. Sneaky… And I thought it was sweet that my dad knew and kept it even from my mom.
Post # 9
my FI made it a point to come to my house when i was at school to ask for my parents and my brothers blessing. it was really sweet because he went over, they had a discussion where everyone was onboard which is no surprise since we were together 7.5 yrs when he proposed. he knew that it meant a lot to get everyones blessings and it made everything that much more special.
Post # 10
My FI and my parents had a rough start back when we started dating 5 years ago. He’s changed a ton and they really care about him now but before he proposed, he went over to my parents house and told them his plans. Basically it was sort of a ‘this is what I’m going to do, if there’s anything you want to talk about before I do it, this is the time’ thing. For the record, there was nothing to talk about, they were both very happy.
Post # 11
My FI did, it is very important to both of us. I would still marry him if he didn’t but would be upset with his lack of respect, luckily he would never do that.
Post # 12
@otto2008: my husband asked my father out of respect for both me and my dad. I am extremely close to my father and I told my husband that he better not propose without getting my dad’s blessing first. I think people make too big a deal out of it being sexist. It’s a nice tradition and respectful to your future bride’s father. I would not have accepted the ring unless I knew he had asked. I am 23 and my husband is 31, if that matters at all.
Post # 13
@otto2008: Yes, he did it out of respect for my parents as well as his parents. He has to younger sisters and when he told his dad he was going to propose to me his dad told him he would kick his a** if he didn’t ask my parents.
Post # 14
He did, because he thought it was respectful. I told him he didn’t need to but I think my dad was pretty impressed that he did.
Post # 15
@otto2008: Good for you! My fiance did not ask for my father’s permission and I would have been insulted if he had. I think you’re on the right track, if you don’t feel comfortable with it, don’t do it. The decision to get married is between the two of you, and has nothing to do with her father.
Post # 16
Permission, no. But he did formally ask for his mom’s and my dad’s blessing.