(Closed) Did you have a "B" list?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Hostess
8580 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

We aren’t having one. We’re inviting everyone who we actually want there.. I think it’s a little excessive to be inviting alot of co-workers, or people you occasionally talk to because you “feel bad”.

Post # 4
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

I would not do a B list and am not doing a B list. If you are not in my first round of invites you are not getting an invite, regardless of how many people RSVP no. I’ve been B listed before and it feels extremely gift grabby and second best. Some might look at it as “Oh, well you should just be happy they wanted to include you.” but I think of it as, if they wanted to include me, I should have been included the first time, not as a fill-in, gift giver. If I’m not good enough to include the first time, I’d rather not be included at all. The only time “B” lists make any sense are when you don’t originally give someone a plus one, and then later on say that they can bring a plus one.

So basically, I think B lists are incredibly rude, and I am sure I will offend some people with that statement. I’m not bashing those who do B lists, but it really sucks to be on a B list in my opinon. What about a reverse “B” list. Lets say two events were on one day, your wedding and something else. You invite a guest to your wedding and they wait to see if the other event is going to get rained out (your wedding is indoors so it would still be on). They agree to come to your wedding, but that was only if their FIRST choice didn’t happen. They might want to be there, but they would have rather been at the other event. Your event is just a filler.

Post # 5
Member
11352 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Yes, I had a “B” list, and I ended up being able to invite a number of friends whom I really wanted to invite but whom I could not invite until some family members and other friends had declined.

This actually worked very well for us.  However, I imailed my “A” list invitations about 12 weeks before the wedding, allowing approximately nine weeks for our guests to respond.

Post # 6
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Nope. I am inviting the people I want there, period. 

Post # 8
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… (comes with my career)

As mentioned, B-Lists are totally fine… the secret is in how one manages them.

The key is that people don’t discover they are on the B-List.

So you send out your Invites well in advance of the RSVP Reply Date (8 to 12 weeks ahead) and as the NOs come in you send out HALF as many new Invitations.

So you get a NO from the Jones Family (Mom, Dad & 2 Kids = 4 people)… you now can send out an Invitation for 2 people (total)

This is to allow for the possibility that someone may actually change their mind down the road from a NO to a YES

The key element is tho that NO INVITATIONS should be issued with under 2 weeks lead time before the Reply Date or the Event (whichever comes first)

I had a B-List over 30 years ago for my first Wedding… and it worked perfectly

And the practice is often used by Brides because Weddings are soooo expensive, and as such the ORIGINAL Guest List needs to be trimmed down (people you’d love to invite… but just can’t find the funds to).  This is where B-Lists come in handy… you get to add people you’d love to have there as others send their regrets

As to your FMIL’s wishes for these to be work people… well that is up to you (I take it you don’t know many of them)

IF the Inlaws have money in the mix… then I’d probably do it… especially so if the NOs coming back are from their side anyhow.  OR if you just are interested in “keeping the peace”

On the plus side, at least in my experience the first time round… Friends of my Parents tended to show up with some of the best gifts (not that that should be a motiviation… but it can be a reality)

And having these people there did make my Parents happy

So it really was a win-win-win for all involved.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 9
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

@Brielle:  Honestly I don’t care if someone says that it is OKAY to do that, I disagree. It is rude to me, and pretty tacky. If they aren’t good enough to invite in the first place, don’t use them as fillers and space holders later on.

 

I think it is pretty foolish just to be a sheep that thinks that etiquette is law and not be concered with how it makes others feel. But please, tell me where exactly I wrote that it was a breach of etiquette? I believe I simply stated how I feel, and I don’t find anything wrong with that. I was actually aware of the fact that it isn’t an etiquette breach.

 

Not going to change my mind that this, and my opinion is that doing it is rude and tacky.

 

Post # 10
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Nope!   If they weren’t on my a-list then I didn’t want them there bad enough.

Post # 11
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

And for the record, etiquette does not trump logic.  

Post # 12
Member
11352 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@IcaJess13:  You certainly are entitled to your own opinion on this.  I was simply trying to address the issue from an etiquette perspective. Thank you for clarifying that you were not attempting to tell the OP that B-lists are wrong but, rather, that you personally dislike them.

Post # 13
Member
10454 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

We are because my FIL’s have a bunch of people on their list. We already know a lot of the A list won’t come, so we will send them their invites early and then move on to the B list when we get the responses back. And I’m printing my own invitations so the RSVP dates can be whatever I want.

 

Post # 14
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

@RockStar33:  My thoughts exactly. If you really wanted those other guests there you would have found a way to accomodate them too. (Spend less on other areas, find a larger venue, etc.)

@This Time Round:  See, my problem with people relying on etiquette to back something that is (to me) clearly rude and tacky, is that most people who do so pick and chose which etiquette rules to follow. They might have a B-List and say that it is FINE to do so because etiquette says so, but then turn around and ask for cash gifts. I think it is pretty foolish to rely so heavily on etiquette rules, in fact, I think it is pretty foolish to rely only on them and not leave any room for free thought (which I’ve come to see that etiquette rules don’t leave much room for personal thought, it is either “you do it this way” or “you’re breaking the rules”!)

And seriously, saying it is only a breach of etiquette if you get caught is like saying stealing is only illegal if you get caught. I mean, there has to be a reason WHY you don’t let people know they are B-Listed, right?

Post # 16
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @IcaJess13:  well you are certainly entitled to your own opinion.  The “tradionally accepted” Rules of Etiquette have been around for Decades (and some for 100s of years).  They exist because they work. 

And more often than not a Bride who comes on the Bee here and asks for help is because she has (a) found herself in a situation she doesn’t have a clear cut idea on how to handle, OR (b) she has not followed the Rules of Etiquette in the first place, and because she didn’t sit down and calculate each and every possibility (who does)… now finds herself in a sticky situation

In BOTH cases the Rules of Etiquette can be a clear guideline on a tactful way out of that situation

(As in this case… the Guest List is too BIG for the venue / funds available… “We’d love to invite 150 but only have room for 100… how do we cut the list down”…. I mean HOW MANY TIMES have we read that post ???)

I get that not everyone is going to adhere to each and every rule (lol, even I don’t at times… BUT I know there could be a consequence to that action… it is just that I’ve reconned that I am willing to take that risk)

And so it goes.

(BTW… Not inviting someone to a Wedding… or sending out their Invitation later than someone else’s is not an illegal activity… infact some folks stagger their mail out on purpose.  So as much as you tried to make a “dramatic” comparisson it hardly equates… not quite the same as stealing something).

 — — —

TO @MrsBeck: I see your point of view… as I said in my first reply… this is a decision that the Host makes.  In reality, it has been my experience that fewer people “talk” in life than we all imagine (Wedding Invites far more a topic of social conversation when one is in their 20s and 30s… than ever in ones 40s and beyond, lol).  And if anyone says something it would most likely just be to your FMIL on the Q-T “Oh just wanted to say we got the Wedding Invite in the mail… it was nice to be included”

And yes, keeping the peace when it comes to Inlaws can certainly be a good foot to start off your married life on.  There are lots of other times / situations where you’ll want things to go your way… and well if you have the space (and it would be because of the NOs coming in) then I’d say go ahead and please her.  Just ask her ahead of time, to have the names prioritized for you… so you can send em out in the order she’d prefer to see there vs just willy nilly.

Hope this helps,

 

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