Post # 1
Hi everyone! I’m a new member. I finally decided to join after being on this site before. I LOVE wedding stuff but I wanted to make sure my man was the one for me before I would let myself talk to others about engagements or actually seriously look at things I’d want for a wedding.
Well he is definitely the man for me 🙂 We’ve been together for three years now and have named our kids and are finally moving in together this fall. We’re also both 26 and, although I don’t believe in it even with him, it was as close to love at first sight as I think you can get. As soon as we met we were instantly infatuated with one another.
Now with that said, and I also want to say that I want a marriage and for him to be my husband more than a wedding, I’m anxious for a proposal haha. I know by reading some of the other posts that other bees are or were in the same situation. So for those of you that were in my situation, were you patient or did you bring up the subject and talk to him about wanting to be proposed to.
Post # 3
YES! We talked about it a lot – especially in the 6 months before the proposal – and I nagged a little, which of course I’m not proud of and wouldn’t reocomend.
Check out the “waiting” board to see others. I think that most ladies bring it up.
Post # 4
I think you should always talk about marriage before the proposal. It’s important to be on the same page. Has it ever been brought up, in relation to moving in and naming children? You don’t want to spin your wheels with someone who doesn’t want to be married if that’s what you want, or who has a different timeline, etc.
Also, you might want to check out the “waiting” boards here. There are lots of bees there waiting for a proposal to come, and maybe some in similar situations to yours. Good luck!
Post # 5
From the beginning of our relationship, We talked a lot about the specifics of marriage, but in general terms. Meaning, When I get married, I’d like it to look like this… or If I were ever in a troubled marriage, I would do… But we never spoke about being married to each other.
After 10 months of dated (we were 39 and 40), I took it up a bit. My lease was ending in 8 months (by then we’d have been dating for 1.5 years and I’d be turning 40), so I basically told him “I figure by then we’d either be engaged and moving in together or broken up and I’m buying my own condo” That was a big shock for him, but I knew I wasnt going to wait forever and I wasnt going to tiptoe around such an important life altering decision. Also keep in mind, I wasnt 100% sure I wanted to get married to anyone. So I didnt say it like, “YOU MUST MARRY ME or ELSE!” I knew we still needed to have lots of conversations about whether either one of us wanted to get married. It was a decision we needed to make together.
We sorta talked about it for a few weeks, then put it on the back burner for 2 months. We talked seriously about getting married for a month. And we decided that yes, we both wanted to get married to each other. Then I started planning (with his permission) and 2 months later he officially proposed. 2 months later, we moved in together. And 6 months from the official proposal we were married.
Although it was a little more rushed that he would have liked, he admits that if I hadn’t brought up the marriage stuff, he would have let things stay exactly the same for who knows how long. I think at least another year or two. Why rock the boat when there isn’t anything wrong?
There is such a huge fear that if you bring up marriage the guy is going to freak out and run away immediately. Guess what? If your guy does that, it means he didn’t want to marry you–good riddance!
Dont nag or force him, but bring it up in the context of “Where do you see this going?” And get a timeline from him. It seems like guys dont have a clear understanding of how long it takes to plan a wedding or biological clock (and sometimes, even with normal couples, it can take up to a year to get pregnant. ANd if you have any infertility problems…) So maybe he isnt ready to tell you by June 2014 we will be engaged. But you guys can at least start the conversations and eventually come up with a timeline that you both comfortable with.
Post # 6
Thanks!! I, for the life of me, can’t seem to find the ‘waiting’ boards :/ I’ll keep my eye out though! We do both want to get married. He’s said before he wants to marry me someday. He also knows I won’t have children until I’m married just because I’m old fashioned like that and we both set when we’re 30 to start having kids (in four years).
I will try not to nag 🙂 @cbqq Thanks! And thanks @OldMrsMcdonald
Post # 7
Found the waiting board!! Thanks 🙂
Post # 8
Post # 9
@KoiKove: Thanks for the post! I don’t want to nag my SO at all. I don’t want to make him marry me before he’s ready either 🙂 But it might be in my best interest to bring it up in a conversation and ask what he thinks our timeline should be.
Post # 10
I’m not sure I’d have said yes without having had many discussions first! By the time he proposed it was mostly a formality, just one we both wanted and looked forward to.
Post # 11
It is ridiculous to date someone and not talk about your life together… especially as time goes on (6 months, a year, several years)
IF you are wanting to get married as a LIFE GOAL… then you need to express that
And at some point in an ongoing relationship it is perfectly fine (expected !?) that one will sit down and have a LIFE PLAN TALK and express what your ideas are on what you’d like to achieve and when…
I’d like to be finished school by… Have a good job by … Travel to ___ by, Engaged by… Married By… Kids by etc.
Proposals don’t just usually happen out of thin air without a couple having discussed the possibility of their lives continuing on long-term and what that might look like.
Talking about one’s LIFE PLAN is not the same as setting an Ultimatum (I don’t recommend that… as it rarely works)
BUT it is perfectly fine for someone (Man or Woman) to lay out what their hopes & dreams are in the future.
Laying out a LIFE PLAN also makes your partner aware that this is a priority for you… and if it isn’t going to mesh with their plans in the timeframe you’ve set down… that perhaps you aren’t both on the same wave length… and the relationship isn’t going to work out long term.
Hope this helps,
*NOTE – The closer one is to 30… say 28 and above… and if one wants children… then I suggest that talking about one’s LIFE PLAN should happen within the first year. If one is younger, or not wanting kiddies, then the time span before confronting the topic can indeed be longer
In my own case at over 50, and no thought to children… we didn’t talk marriage for the first 5 years… some more seriously in our 6th year… the same year we got engaged (April 2012)… and then married just after our 7th Dating Anniversary. At our age, our prime driving force isn’t raising a family… it is more about security (health – medical – financial) and companionship into our old age.
Post # 12
I didn’t “have” to bring it up, but we had discussed it before he proposed. Neither of us believe in divorce.. we believe that you make it WORK. We understand that sometimes, it’s just not possible, but we don’t want to be one of those couples. We agreed that we would compromise and find solutions to any problems we came about. Around the same time we also discussed homes, retirement, kids, and many other things as well.
Post # 13
@ChelsBea: But that’s what is so wrong in society right now. They make women feel like if they bring it up at all, you are being a nag. You arent!!!! Just talking about what your goals and expectations are, isnt being a nag.
Post # 14
@ChelsBea: We have always talked about it and been open with each other on the subject. Sometimes we joked about it, but we always knew it WOULD happen, though we never actually set a timeline for proposal. I found out that he began looking for my ring in January and ordered it on Friday. It was all very natural.
Post # 15
@ChelsBea: If you want to have kids by the time you are 30, you might have to start trying at 29 (and be ready in case you are lucky and get BFP right away). If you want to be married for a year or so befor TTC that means wedding at 28. It takes a year to comfortably plan a wedding (and be done faster), so engaged at 27.
Post # 16
@This Time Round, I guess I should mention that we both know each others life goals, we both know how we’d fit into them, we’re both long-term planning, and there isn’t anything conflicting. And I know that a proposal will come, so by my original question I mean asking about a time frame and not talking about what we both want in life because we’re both on the same page with that. Thanks 🙂
And thanks to everyone else. Great advice and such so far 😀 I’m definitely worried I might come off as a nag or make him feel rushed. I don’t want to do that at all! I’ve known from the first few months of dating that I would be getting an heirloom ring that he inherited and knew there’d be no financial issues in that area and I haven’t ever felt like pushing for that ring.
But with that in mind we have been together for three years, we are very much in love and committed and want the same things, I definitely feel like we’re ready to be engaged.
After reading from everyone so far I’ve decided to be patient along with discussing what his time frame may be for proposing without being pushy 🙂 I would never give an ultimatum. The important thing is I’m with him, right?