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I'm hearing a lot about your fiance making decisions without you in this post: he decided you wouldn't have any sexual contact; he works halfway across the world, every day of the week, virtually every hour of the day; you picked out a ring and now it's like he's holding it hostage...when will he propose? No wonder you're feeling frustrated and alone.
I knew my husband was going to propose; we had talked about it, I knew when he had picked out the ring, and when he finally got the ring he couldn't keep it a secret from me and proposed within the week (he's a terrible liar). Lots of other girls have had their fiances hold on to the ring for what seemed like forever though because they wanted to wait for that "perfect moment." Is yours waiting for that moment? It might be that that strategy is not the right fit for you. It is not the end of the world if the proposal is not a surprise. It sounds like you need to talk with him about when you're going to marry. What is worse: a non-surprise proposal or all this anxiety?
Frankly though I'm more concerned by the way you're portraying your relationship in this post than by how to handle any imminent proposals. You're painting your potential fiance as someone who has made no time for you and has made a decision (no sexual contact whatsoever) that you're clearly not on the same page with.
You seem very eager for marriage with him (when you said all your friends have already married at this "stage" in the relationship). How will marriage fix this relationship and the anxiety you feel? I get the anxiety, but what about this is making you feel "scared out of your mind"? Will his work situation change so that you have time together (is he in the military? If so, there are lots of military brides on here, so I am sure they can offer great advice on dealing with deployed spouses, check out the military board)? Will you make sexual decisions together after you're married?
Sorry these are a lot of questions in response to your question, but from your post it sounds like you have got some bigger communication issues going on than just "when is he going to propose." It's very normal to feel anxiety about this, I'm just worried when you describe yourself as scared and him as so seemingly unreachable and making decisions without you. Tell us more, please.
Personally, I knew when my FI was going to propose, we talked alot about it and he would ask me if "I was ready" or if "I wanted to be engaged." He was ready before I was but he wanted to be sure I was ready, so when the time came, I told him I was ready to get engaged, he proposed 2 months later. So needless to say I knew it was coming.
My first bit of advice to you, would be not letting your friends marriages/relationships/engagements affect you. Every relationship is different and just because your friends have dated less time then the two of you and are now engaged/married shouldn't have any weight on your relationship. I was in a relationship with my FI for over 4 years before we got engaged I heard all the typical "its about time" or even before we got engaged I would hear "what are you waiting for?" Again every relationship is different and I didn't let those peoples comments bother me.
I think your best plan of action, is to first, confront your FI about your sexual reltionship. As Chelsea stated, it sounds like he is making all the calls w/o asking you if this is something your comfortable with. You shoud explain to him how special your physical reltionship is & what it means to you and he shoud be able to meet you half way. Also, just be open with him regarding the engagement, explain that you want to marry him (not because of your friends) but because you are ready, and ask him if he is ready to make that commitment. I understand the fustrations of waiting, because once I told my FI I was ready, I was ready! LOL! But, if your fustrations are causing you to second guess your decision to marry him, maybe you might be rushing into things, and getting caught up in the excitment of engagements & weddings.
Just think about your relationship & if you are truly ready to get married, and remeber everything good is worth the wait. Be more open with your FI regarding your relationship and make sure you are both on similar pages. Good Luck to you & keep us updated!
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There is nothing wrong with you! We dated for 3.5 years before we got engaged. MUCH longer than most of our friends with their 11-month-dating relationships before the ring showed up. There's nothing you can do about it, the time is right for each individual couple in their own time.We figured that the extra time just made us EXTRA sure, and there is no way I would have been 100% ok about saying yes any sooner than when I did. I just have to know, beyond the shadow of a doubt. So if it works for you, don't let anyone else influence that.
While his "waiting" makes you special, I can understand your situation. We decided to "take a 13-month break" before the wedding. Sometimes it's frustrating, but I would never be OK with no physical contact. You can still make out and say no to the sex. It's definitely possible. It's self control and as long as you both want it, you keep each other in check. But if I were you, I'd feel the SAME EXACT WAY. I need hugs and kisses and to feel desired in my own way. Just explain to him that what is making you feel "special" sure is making you feel neglected. Maybe he thinks you want this more than you actually do. You konw, the waiting aspect. If you are not happy with it, you need to discuss it and change somet hings. It isn't an all or nothing sort of deal, you know? Especially since he's so darn far away! That makes it no fun, for sure.
My only advice is that you have to sit him down and talk with him. Why all these rules in place if you're not actually engaged yet? WHy is he holding back on proposing? There's always a valid reason, but he needs to know it's tormenting you basically. My Fi was in Iraq for 15 months. I knew it was coming halfway through his deployment. We had talked about it extensively and neither of us believed a proposal should be a surprise if you were ready to get married. I literally had to sit my FI down before he got deployed and have the talk with him regarding when we get engaged and how that will change things (ie the rules you were referring to above. We laid out ground rules for sex and other things for once we got engaged).
You're just going to have to talk to him. You're unhappy, so you'll either end up blowing up in a few days or being really crabby all week, then regret it in a week or two when you're home that were you didn't enjoy your trip as much as you shoudl. Good luck!
I think you should enjoy the moment and what your relationship is now. Everything will come with due time and you seem to be stressing over nothing. Perhaps turn your focus to something else in your life other than an engagement/wedding/sex.
Thank you to all of you.
I was certainly scared out of my mind. I knew he had a "big surprise" for my April visit and he kept telling me to "give him some credit".
A marriage proposal for me is a once in a lifetime moment. I have read these stories about the ring not being up to standard, or the proposal itself, or of the relationship ending as the wedding was being planned. I am 31 years old. I've dated. I've had men profess their love and some even ask about marriage but I never took those professions of their so called love serious as it was usually after we dated and I decided it was going nowhere, then all of a sudden they are telling me they would have married. Give me a break! When you know, you know. And I've just known with him. He has been asking, professing since the first week I knew him.
And last night he made it official. But I was scared out of my mind. I am in Kuwait. I knew he had a surprise. And I know he is spontaneous. I also made the comment that I didn't want to plan a wedding. So of course my my was going nuts. Plus I am a west coast liberal girl dating a southern conservative man (not military....just a very exciting job that has him in Kuwait, which is great for our future and a sacrifice he is making not for himself but for us and our future). I've never thought about a proposal or how I'd like it to be. I have thought about a wedding dress on about 5 occasions. Three of those times in the last year. I have also thought about just being with someone forever. No marriage. No dresses. No bridal party or off handed comments about the colors of the dress or the flower selection or the ring or any of that.
I suppose it comes from a deep rooted fear of rejection.
But fear and worry have been squashed and love has conquered.
He proposed in the most perfect way...actually I now realize that any proposal he would have made would have been perfect but I was so worried about ruining the surprise or about it not being surprise enough. And honestly, I worry too much as was made clear to me last night.
A Persian Gulf proposal!!!
And mind you we are in a country where we could be arrested for holding hands or kissing. So try getting a marriage proposal and you can't react with jumping exclaimation and lots of kissing, or any kissing. A true test of self control!
He had the ring in my hotel room for 3 days. Clearly I would never search his belongings. Also, this ring has an amazing story. And his love and continued support of me and my worries is an even more amazing story.
We don't have an ideal situation to either of us. However, there is a silver lining. We are forced to work on the hard things, finances, careers, fears, where to live and just the future in general whille the physical remains unwraps for the time being..
It is frustrating to me. However, knowing he is as committed as he obviously is, I think I can deal with the absence of the really physical stuff for now.
I can explain the details behind his choice to save the physical until marriage. But basically it comes down to the fact that he believes he should only have one partner, should only lust for one woman and this is his way of showing me that he has self control. If he has self control in my presence, he says, he should show that he has self control in my absence. However, the cynic in me says, I bet a lot of men getting it other places have great self control with their wives. But I will not say this to him. I commend his efforts. I feel loved.
We don't have perfect communication. But we don't have a perfect life. However, in all its little imperfessions, I'd say it is PERFECT!
my green ring.
story to follow another day!
oh, as far as his creativity can I just say that the ring is 1930's and lived it's previous life in New Orleans...which is my favorite city and that he found a 1930's silver bell ring box with which to present the ring!
Congratulations on your engagement! It sounds like a lot of your anxiety was wrapped up in not wanting to ruin the surprise. The actual moment of getting engaged varies from girl to girl in how important it is, and it seems like it was really important to you.
As to planning a wedding, you don't have to if you don't want to. You're on weddingbee, which is a world full of girls wanting to DIY every last detail (or at least discuss the possibility) or find someone who will help them create their vision. Don't let wedding fervor overwhelm you. You have a million options and many of them are easy, inexpensive, and low-key. There are so many of us who never even thought about weddings until we got engaged. Check out this thread.
One wedding-planning step that I think would be good for you would be to get some premarital counseling. That I am recommending it does not mean there is something wrong with you or your relationship, because I would recommend it for everyone! Even the most well-adjusted couple in the world. I truly believe it is one of the best things a couple can do to prepare for marriage. Especially since some of the details of your life, like his far-away and high-pressure job, put difficult constraints on your life. But even if you can't swing counseling (since you're not living in the same country, lol) you should check out some marriage books. Lots have been recommended here, and I would recommend finding one that has a long list of "questions to ask before you get married." It really will take you through important discussions you might not have even thought to have. Congratulations again and good luck. :)
I do think the actual proposal was important to me as he had started "asking" a year ago. Then we picked out the ring, but had been looking for nearly a year for the perfect ring. Then once he had the ring (minus the center diamond) I was wondering what the hold up was...sure part of it was a wonder if getting the center stone was proving difficult, but in all honesty I could have cared less what ring he used. Getting a perfect ring was very important to him.
I'd say he did well, very very well.
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I knew FI was going to propose. I was with him when he bought the ring (I even picked it out because I knew EXACTLY what ring I wanted), but he kept the ring for a little over three months before he actually proposed.
I knew that FI was going to propose. But I just didn't know when it would happen. My FI actually had me convienced he wasn't going to propose the weekend he did.
Congrats on getting your ring and enjoy wedding planning!
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CONGRATULATIONS!! It sounds like a perfect moment to remember for all time.
I definitely was "on" to my to-be-fiance. For weeks he'd been supposedly meeting his father to test drive cars and do other random things. Yeah, we'd talked about getting married and talked about his granmother's ring, etc. When we found out his younger brother was proposing in the coming months, I mentioned I'd like to be engaged before them--seeing that we'd been together so much longer and all. I had a strong hunch his brother would be proposing to his girlfriend on their upcoming trip to Hawaii.
One day, Mr. V mentioned he wanted to go to a certain restaurant for dinner. The more I thought about it, the more I questioned his motives. It was, afterall, the restaurant we went to on our first official date. We went back on our anniversary. Come to think of it, we'd only been there for special occasions. Was THIS going to be a special occasion??!?! No. I had to tell myself, "we're just going for pizza." Afterall, we'd almost gone there a few non-official occasions. On my way home from work, I focused on talking myself out of the potential proposal.
"It's just dinner," I told myself. I mean, what if it really WAS just dinner? I didn't want to be so intent on every word that I ruin our night out. Can you imagine? Mr V: "Will you...pass the salt?" Midsentence, me: "YES! Of course I'll marry you!"
Halfway home, I'm listening to the radio, talking myself out of any thoughts of shiny rings on the horizon. Then, on the radio, I hear: "YOU'RE ENGAGED. YOU'RE READY TO MARRY THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS." It was an ad for a local bridal show. I changed the station. What do I hear? Taylor Swift telling me how he "Dropped to his knees and said 'marry me juliet'..." SERIOUSLY??!?!!? Work with me Mr. DJ. Come on!
So, I showered and got dressed for dinner. You know, hoping to look cute (just in case we had a reason to take pictures) but not overdo it (just in case we were really just going for pizza). I got to the bottom of the stairs, and Mr. V was pacing. Being weird and all, so I called him out on it. After some stumbling...here's what I heard...
Mr V: "you know, i don't really want to go to [restaurant]..." I'm thinking "really? because I just showered!"
Mr V: "...with you as my girlfriend..." I'm thinking "wow...this isn't going the way i thought it would AT ALL!"
Mr V: "[drop to knee] will you go as my fiance?"
Obviously I said yes, after laughing at him a little. :)
Then, he put the ring on my finger. It was a size 7 (thanks to my sister's guidance), and I wear a 4.25. Needless to say, it was a little big. He'd originally planned to propose once we got outside the restaurant. But, while I was in the shower, he held up the ring to my others...and realized there was a very good chance it might fall off or fall down a street drain and improvised!! Of course, we wrapped all of the bandaids we had around it so I could wear the sucker!!
Nonetheless, it may not have been storybook perfect, but it's so perfect for us. As long as it's a memory you can have forever, a good story to tell, and it was a special moment between the two of you--it's perfect!
After a year of dating and 6 months of living together, I knew! We'd already bought rings and my dress!!!!! Yes I know wacky! Finally after dinner on our one year mark he proposed!!!! YAY! I'm getting married in 4 days!
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I have come to kuwait to see "the fiance"....he already calls me the fiancee. however, he has not proposed in any traditional sense. yet, we picked out a ring in october. he has said in the up coming weeks that he had a big surprise in april for me.
he works 7 days a week 12 to 16 hour days.
i am here just waiting until he gets done with work in order to spend some time together.
2 months ago he decided that we aren't to have any pre-martial making out or anything that could eventually leads to sex. little to say this has left me feeling unloved and rejected. yet, he says i need to remember that he never waited with anyone else therefore this makes me special.
but it really just makes me frustrated.
we can't see each other naked. yet we can sleep in the same bed. we've been dating a year and he was asking me to marry him as early as our first week of dating, yet, as I said, I don't consider it a real proposal.
I have this feeling or at least I thought I had this feeling that he was going to ask me to marry him with the ring, which was picked out last october. But now I am finding myself an emotional mess and not wanting him to ask because all this waiting feels like torture. we talked about getting married in June. Everyone I know that has dated less time than us will or have already married before us. It just all makes me feel like there is something so wrong with me.
Shouldn't I be beyond myself with excitement about possible proposal? Except I find myself not wanting him to ask and part of that is because I have the anticipation and because I know it could then be another year wait before we marry.
All the travel has made me very exhausted and this anticipation and anxiety is taking it's toll. I am scared out of my mind.
Can anyone offer advice to how you handled the possibility of a proposal?
Did you know he was going to propose?
I don't want to be frustrated when he does and I am frustrated now.
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