Post # 1
did any of you not invite a person/couple that other people thought should be included? what happened?
we’re struggling with whether to invite a couple that we went to university with and used to be close to. several things have happened, and those, plus time and distance mean that we don’t feel close to them anymore. however, in some ways it seems very final not to invite them. additionally, my MOH is best friends with the friend and i’m concerned that it will be awkward for her that they are not invited, or that it will offend her in some way on their behalf. i certainly don’t want to cause problems, but we simply aren’t close anymore. for instance, she was married recently (we were invited but couldn’t attend), and i wrote her a nice note on her wedding day AND afterwards to compliment her on the photos and express that i’d love to hear all about it etc. it’s been 6 weeks, and she’s never responded.
I never hear from her and i’m having a hard time wanting to invite them to our wedding, as we simply don’t really speak anymore. That said, if we don’t invite them, I think that it will end our friendship (which has waned anyway) and I’ll need to tell my MOH, to prevent any issues arising. my MOH told me that they were recently discussing my wedding (they live in the same city, i do not) and that my MOH assured her she would be invited – which i obviously wish she hadn’t done.
so – should i just suck it up, invite them to preserve feelings even though we’re already pushing our limit? or should i explain to my moh that i don’t feel that we really have a friendship anymore, and hope that she doesn’t feel put in the middle?
For those of you who were on the fence about invitees – how did you choose? was there fallout? looking back, do you wish you’d decided differently?
Post # 2
We worked on keeping our guest list way down (80 max). We didnt invite anyone we were not good/close friends or family with.
Its only been two weeks and so far no one has complained to us about it 🙂
As for you MOH telling them they are invited. She needs to be the one to untell them. She didnt have the right to invite them to your wedding.
Post # 3
Celliaanne: thanks – yeah, i wish i’d been more forthcoming when she said that, i didn’t really say anything. :/
also – if it helps, these people are not local at all – they would need to fly in, which would necessitate adding them to both our friday night out of town guest dinner and our brunch – so it’s not just a couple from down the street who can come for one part. we haven’t seen them in about 3 years.
Post # 4
peonyinlove: It’s not your MOH’s place to add people to your list. You can let her know that they are not invited and that’s the end of it. I know what you mean about worrying about it being awkward, but just suck it up and do what’s right for you! 🙂 I know it’s hard but you can’t worry about what everyone else thinks.
Post # 5
I’m afraid I can’t give you advice one way or another because I have no idea what I would do in that situation! However, I do agree that your MOH was out of line, so please don’t feel guilty however you choose to handle this.
That being said, if they have to fly in, you may not have an issue at all. If you choose to invite them and you don’t feel close to them, they may just decline due to the travel expenses. Boom, problem solved. It’s a gamble for sure, but it’s the best I can offer… Good luck!
Post # 6
Your MOH should have not said they were invited. You don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to. However, is your MOH married? Your MOH lives in the same place as your old friend. If and when your MOH gets married you run into the real possibility that your old friend is your MOH’s MOH. Are you going to be ok with having to deal with her then?
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2015 - Thorpewood
I voted “no” on the poll. My FI and I haven’t sent out our invitations yet, but we’ve been engaged for years and have already discussed our guest list thoroughly. His ex’s parents are good friends with his parents. His ex’s mother is always rude to me but his parents haven’t picked up on it (she’s good at fake politeness and backhanded compliments). FI and I decided they wouldn’t be invited because they’re so rude to me. We told his parents and they weren’t pleased. It’s come up multiple times over the past few years. They’ve tried to guilt us by telling us that the friends are so crushed that they won’t be there and that it’s putting a strain on their friendship. I personally don’t care since the ex’s mother is so horrible. Their attempt at guilt won’t get me to cave and invite someone I don’t want there just so they don’t have to deal with awkward situations. As we haven’t actually sent anything out, I can’t say if there will be fall-out but I seriously doubt we’ll ever regret not inviting them.
So that’s my personal experience with choosing not to invite someone we don’t want there despite others thinknig we should invite them. I say just do what YOU want and don’t worry about anyone else. If you barely see them anyway, I doubt there will be much awkwardness except maybe from your MOH. Just sit her down and explain the situation. She should be understanding.
Post # 8
Yikes! Sucks that your MOH extended an invite to this woman! I still wouldn’t feel pressured into including non-VIPs in your special day though.
Here’s my experience with this: FI and I decided NOT to invite certain people to our DW. One was his pushy, nasty aunt who added him to Facebook only after hearing we were engaged so she could snoop around. Then sent him a message saying “let us know when the wedding is, me and daughter have our passports ready.” She is vicious and verbally abusive to many of his family members (his mom, included!) and we want the family members who are coming to have a nice time, free of her drama.
We also stuck to our guns when we (mostly me) were pressured into inviting a cousin of mine and her husband. We have some mutual friends who are all invited, but I’ve never had a close relationship with my cousin (grew up on opposite ends of the country and only seen her a handful of times in my life), and her husband is a creep. However, they invited us to their wedding last year and we went, because… Weddings! I think they fully expected to be invited to ours, and when they weren’t, they started asking our friends and my SIL for details… I felt a bit weird about it, but continued to remind myself that my wedding is not about making THEM happy, it’s about what FI and I want and what makes sense for us.
I can’t imagine we’ll regret not having those people there.
Anyway, I know that friendships change and I’ve actually got a few of my own once-important friendships that have been dying slow deaths over the years. One in particular was invited to our DW who never acknowledged it at all and now I’m on the fence about even inviting them to the local at-home celebration when we get back. I pretty much want to give up on that friendship completely.
I hope I don’t sound like a jerk! I’m actually a pretty nice person most of the time. Haha.
Post # 9
My Mom asked repeatedly, that her next door neighbors be invited to my daughter’s wedding, because “they’re so good to her.” They were invited to daughter #1s, because we invited 250 guests. For #2, the venue was much smaller and the invited total was 125, so no way. My mother in law sent 2 nasty e-mails, to bride 2, since we had no plans to invite an uncle who didn’t even have the courtesy of responding, to her sister’s wedding. She insited “weddings are all about families.” We ignored her.
In hindsight, we would not have invited to daughter #2s, those that ended up not RSVPing. We wouldn’t have invited the couple, who was a no-show, or the late-added plus 1, who also didn’t come. And don’t get me started about those who attended and didn’t even bring a greeting card, or wrote a note, wishing the couple well; it was about 15% of the guestlist.
discoK: “One was his pushy, nasty aunt who added him to Facebook only after hearing we were engaged so she could snoop around. Then sent him a message saying “let us know when the wedding is, me and daughter have our passports ready.” She is vicious and verbally abusive to many of his family members (his mom, included!) and we want the family members who are coming to have a nice time, free of her drama.”
OMG! I think we’re related? Only my daughter didn’t accept the aunt’s F/B friend request, and instead, blocked her. Her aunt has a decades long history of being narcissistic and histrionic – the family could write a book about her and the things she’s said.
Post # 10
I think you just have to decide for yourself if you want to burn the possibility of an ongoing relationship at this point or not. Since you didn’t attend their wedding or send a gift, and it would be a very expensive weekend for them, there is a good chance they will make an excuse to avoid attending yours.
My guess, based on her talk with MOH, and this is only a guess, is that this person doesn’t necessarily think you have to keep in such close touch to still feel the connectIon. She should have responded to your nice note, but maybe she thought it was just a pleasantry in honor of her wedding.
Your MOH really crossed the line, though and I would have immediately said something to her. She should not be the deciding factor, though.
Post # 11
Doxie7: thanks for your thoughts 🙂
SilvanArrow: you’re right – they may well decline due to costs, but on the other hand, i could see them carpooling with MOH and her husband, which a) means they’d come and b) they’d be dependant on moh and her husband which will complicate things further.
kermitandpiggy: my moh is married, so i’m not worried about that situation.
Post # 12
peonyinlove: No need to invite them! We had a few friends we couldn’t invite – we had to draw the line somewhere. And yes, some of them were close to people who were invited. Your MOH will just need to backtrack and say she was wrong about the guest list.
I will say though, that you shouldn’t expect a reply 6 weeks after her wedding. They’ve probably been on honeymoon, and then letters of thanks for gifts would take priority.
Post # 13
MissOtter31: that’s a situation i can totally understand. part of our struggle is that there wasn’t really a fight, or anything to point to – we simply aren’t close anymore, but it will be a very awkward conversation with my moh to explain AND we don’t want to hurt the couple’s feelings either – i was very careful to never discuss our wedding with her for this reason (and we barely speak) but she obviously thinks she will be invited now. so it’s a mess all around.
discoK: you definitely don’t sound like a jerk – i get it! it’s hard to ‘just add a few more’ when it costs $$$ and when we’re already way over the amount of people we thought we would invite in the beginning.
PABride: yeah – i really don’t want to look back and say ‘wow, i wish we hadn’t invited them.’ they are nice people, but can be overbearing and (in fairness i haven’t seen her in 3 years) cause a scene.
weddingmaven: i didn’t say that we didn’t send a gift – in fact, i contributed to a really personal group gift (i was asked) and have never received any acknowledgement of that, and i doubt that i will at this point. you’re certainly right that it would be fairly expensive for them to attend, and that my moh should not have extended an invitation on our behalf. unfortunately, what’s done is done and now i have to decide what to do. 🙁
Post # 14
aussiemum1248: thanks! i hope that if we go that route, she’ll be understanding. you’re right, fair enough – 6 weeks is a tight timeline. i guess i thought i would have heard from her now as the guest list was under 20 people.
Post # 15
peonyinlove: Sorry I assumed incorrectly! She may also be someone who takes her time with thank you notes. They are supposed to be written right away, but in my experience, only a minority of people actually do this. We recently got one from nine months ago. That was pretty bad, but better late than never.