Post # 1
I always thought weddings were supposed to be a happy celebration and I’ve been trying to follow traditions at least a little, but lately I’ve been taking a lot of flack both from friends/family and from strangers online whom I ask help from (not on this website)
-“Shouldn’t you just get married in the courthouse and spend your money on more important things?”
-“I believe EVERY wedding should have a shower…. but you can’t plan it, know about it, like it, in fact, don’t even think about it. People will think you’re Wall Street”
-“A registry? Ha! Ok, princess.”
-“Why are you having a wedding when you’re not even well-off?”
-“Why don’t you just have the wedding in a yard somewhere?”
It’s by no means the end of it, of course, but it’s the kind of guilt I’m facing. I’m 25 and about to graduate college (a semester after the wedding), but I’m by no means from a rich family. We’re paying for everything ourselves, and cutting costs everywhere we can. It’s just hard to plan and stress AND constantly be told to worry about others think of me.
What about you? Have any unpleasant experiences to share?
Post # 2
belleindigo: There is just something about weddings where eeeeeeeeveryone and their dog has to have an opinion. It’s a pretty weird, but standard phenomenon. I always wished people would just shut the heck up unless I ask, Do you prefer this or this? Ya know? I had a SMALL wedding (not my first time) and one person suggested I have it in our backyard. Nothing against those who do AT ALL, but our yard is TERRIBLE. It was neglected for years before we bougth the house and started to slowly work on it. Plus it’s in the city where lots are very close to one another. I couldn’t imagine a worse place than our backyard. LOL!
Post # 3
I think the easiest way to deflect these types of questions is to answer with “my mother always told me that it’s not polite to discuss money” and then change the subject. Because truly, it is not polite to discuss money if it’s not related to some purchase/transaction going on. If you are inviting a friend to go to a concert with you, and you are each buying your own tickets, there is no harm in saying “it’s $50 if we sit in this section or $75 if we sit over there.” If you’re treating the friend to their ticket, then it’s really tacky to say “Happy birthday, I’m gonna take you to this concert and it cost $75!” Weddings are no different. If it’s not their money, it’s none of their business and it’s better to not feed the discussions.
Post # 4
No one has actually said anything to me or my FI (to my knowledge) but we get the side-eye a lot. The furthest they have gotten was suggesting/giving us crap about not taking the money and running. We THOUGHT about it, but even my FMIL demanded we have a huge reception when we returned. So where’s the cost savings in that??
We both feel guilty sometimes knowing we are spending so much on one day. (20-25k). We just bought a house, so we know what a dollar is worth and how far it can go. I am also in the market for a new car, so I am trying to get every little cost down as much as I can. I am at the point now where I am saying “do we really need to hire transportation? can we just drive your moms SUV?” LOL..the bulk of the cost is coming from the food/open bar, which is family pretty much expects (and they are helping pay for). But we still freak out every time we think about how much we are putting up after donations.
Post # 5
Post # 6
Don’t talk about the wedding with people, plan it how you’d like it and don’t ask others for opinions, because they will give it and give conflicting ones. I basically planned the majority of my wedding in secret for months and had a blast.
Post # 7
Yes! We have only just started to plan and I already feel this! No matter what I say to people about the wedding, I get a judgy look or response. We have family abroad and I said to one person how it would be great if they could come. I got ‘well dont count on it, its alot of money to expect them to pay just to come for your day’. So then I’m talking to someone else and I say ‘Were expecting a small wedding because we dont want to put pressure on people abroad to have to pay to fly over’ and I got ‘Well you had better invite them otherwise its rude, and I know one of them has already told me they are coming so you had better send them an invite’. Of course I was sending an invite, I just didnt want to pressure them. It feels like I can’t win!
Similarly we told family that we are planning on self-catering afternoon tea (I know im crazy) to save money, and we wont be having a DJ or dancing (we dont dance) and that the wedding will probably end mid-afternoon to cut down on alcohol costs. Of course they were shocked – ‘how is it possibly a wedding without dancing?’ etc etc…
I figure no matter what we decide, someone will have an opinion on it. Some people want us to save the money and have a small affair, others don’t consider it a real wedding unless its big and traditional. You just have to do what feels right to you. Everyone that had an opinion will probably forget it by the time the wedding comes around and they see how fabulous it is!
Post # 8
I mean, I think about the amount of money we were generously gifted by my parents and DH’s parents, and it is A LOT of money. The fact is that it was enough to cover our entire wedding, rehearsal dinner, reception, EVERYTHING. When I realize that we didn’t go one penny into debt I feel much less guilty about it, at least from our end. I made a lot of arrangements and cut costs wherever I could to keep things that way. Could we have taken the money and run? Absolutely, however there’s one reason why I don’t feel guilty at all: our wedding day was the best party we have ever thrown, and probably will every throw in our life! Even though DH was much more “let’s get married on a beach” and will occassionally bring up how we should have done so, if you ask him about our wedding night, he will admit that he wants to go back ALL THE TIME.
The day after the wedding, we were slightly depressed about it being over, and he made the comment that our wedding was the only time where we were able to have all of our family and friends that are unique only to us in one place at the same time. Regardless of how much that cost us to provide, it was an awesome feeling dancing with all our friends, talking with family, and just in general having a great time. Not that you couldn’t possibly arrange something like that at a much cheaper cost, but it was also awesome to know that those friends and family were there because they loved us and wanted to celebrate with us.
I think you should do your wedding your way, no matter what. My goal was not to go into debt, but I know there are many people who do, and they don’t regret it because they did things their way. I’m not suggesting that’s what you do, I’m just saying that you don’t have to follow anyone’s standards. Have the amazing day that you want to have, whether that’s on a beach, in a backyard, in a church. The fact is that while you should plan for your future, you may come to find that for an unfortunate reason, you won’t be around to enjoy those savings later on. So have the best day of your life now!