Post # 1
I met a man recently who is actively pursuing me even though I’m engaged and have been with my FI for 13 years. He seems like a nice guy, but would a nice guy pursue an involved woman? The answer seems like an obvious “no”.
However, I do personally know people who pursued a married or involved person. They’re not evil people. For example, FI’s grandmother was pursued by her aunt’s ex-husband while she was married. She divorced her husband and married him and they were together for nearly 40 years before he died.
So, did your SO or a past SO pursue you while you were in a relationship? How did it turn out? Have you pursued an involved person?
Post # 2
I did this when I was in my early 20s. I was an idiot and look back on that time in my life with shame. I fell in love with my best friend in grad school, who had a girlfriend in another country. Still, I pursued him shamelessly and eventually he did give in. It ruined our friendship and he remained with his gf anyway (though they eventually broke up).
I think the reason I did this was a) because I was violently attracted to him and couldn’t help myself …but really b) because I was very insecure. It made me feel so attractive that a man in a relationship would stray…for me. I realize that paints me in a pretty wretched light…but that’s the truth of it!
Post # 3
DH has an ex who relentlessly pursued him after SHE broke up with HIM to get back with her ex of like 10 years or something. They had a very unhealthy relationship, where she called all the shots. After they broke up, she still would try to jerk him around even though she was engaged. She eventually got married, had a baby (and actually now has a second), but continued to try to pursue him, even after I came in the picture. The excitement for him wore off and eventually she just became annoying. Like she was still trying to contact him (via email, since she was blocked pretty much every other way) a few weeks after we got married. It’s sad, and she’s extremely insecure. She’s unhappy in her marriage and trying to cling to something else that once made her feel good. So, I agree that it could maybe sometimes work out? But I agree with PP, that it screams insecurity and brings with it a whole host of other problems when trying to lure someone away from their SO. If someone is willing to leave their SO for you, wouldn’t you worry that they’d leave you for someone else?
Post # 4
tiffanybruiser : I don’t think it makes you seem wretched. You understand now it was wrong and I appreciate your honesty.
I think that’s the motivation, at least in part, for a lot of people who pursue involved people. It must be very flattering and make you feel special when someone strays for you. I get it.
Post # 5
tiffanybruiser : countingstars : I agree with OP’s last statement. Because I do believe forgiveness and that past mistakes don’t always dictate the person you are now.
In the instance I gave above, I’d gladly have moved past that if it hadn’t lasted for years, despite my husband trying to completely cut her off, or if she’d have showed some remorse or something. I decided to forgive her, though she never asked me ot nor apologized, but the difference is you realized that was wrong. I’m sure we’ve all done things we’re not proud of!
Post # 6
I’ll admit it: I’ve done it before.
I was in my early 20s and my ex of 5 years had just broken up with me. So I was in a “relationships suck and mean nothing and everyone should be as miserable as I am” phase. I worked at a bar (which was just full of adults making horrible decisions anyway, seriously it was like high school all over again) and I developed a crush on another bartender. I knew he had a gf, but honestly I didn’t care. I actively pursued him and…well I guess you could say it kind of worked. He didn’t break up with the girl or anything, but he did cheat on her with me once. Yay? Ugh. That period of my life was such a drunken mess. I don’t think the girl ever found out. I don’t know. I moved states shortly after it happened and never spoke to the guy again.
I was also actively pursued by a guy who was in a relationship. I was single and this guy had been dating his gf for several years. But he claimed to not actually like her all that much (so why didn’t they just break up?). He was “drawn” to me, as stupid as that sounds. And he was insanely charming. This was right after I had moved states and that last incident and so I was still obviously very dumb and selfish and messed up. I’ve talked about this before on here but yes, we did start hooking up behind his gf’s back. It was so fucked up. I feel awful about it now looking back. It was only a couple weeks and then he broke up with his gf for me. I was so happy! We were meant to be! I was an idiot. A few months later he broke up with me and went back to his ex. He was just a douchebag and I was too dumb to see it. After that “relationship” ended, I punished myself for a while. I thought I didn’t deserve love. I didn’t deserve a good guy. I was a terrible person. It was several years before I felt ready to actually date again. That’s when my husband and I got together. In fact, we had actually already been friends for several years. He knew all about my history because he was there!
Post # 7
countingstars : I was single and pursued by a guy in a relationship in early college. He was charming and manipulative and managed to convince me that he was very unhappy in his relationship and going to break up with his girlfriend ASAP, and we slept together. Of course, within a few days I realized that he wasn’t going to break up with his girlfriend and I called him crying to yell at him about how he used me to cheat.
This guy is also the type to pursue women in relationships. He ran in the similar circles in college and I saw this happen to a friend and an acquaintence of mine despite my having warned them that this guy was no good. He basically just uses people at his whim and gets away with it because he is so charismatic and manipulative.
Post # 8
I think when you’re young that’s pretty common. When I was a teen and in my early twenties I always thoght ‘Who cares if he has a girlfriend, when he sees that I’m interested in him he’ll dump her’. There was a guy who actually dumped his girlfriend for me. It didn’t work out with him, but not because he did the same to me.
Still, I grew up and now I know that I was an idiot back then. I wouldn’t want another girl to hit on my partner, not because I’m scared they’re gonna leave me, but just because it’s not okay and not a thing a decent person would do. When I was a single, hearing that a guy I find cute has a girlfriend was then a huge turn off for me. I would NEVER try with them unless they’re single.
Post # 9
Ever since I got engaged, men have been coming out of the woodwork left and right trying to pursue something with me… and they all know I am engaged! I don’t get it! When I was single for two years, all I heard was freakin’ crickets. I think maybe it has something to do with people wanting what they seemingly can’t have, like it becomes more of a challenge to them.
Post # 10
In my early twenties I was friends with a guy who had a girlfriend. The attraction between us was strong and he would flirt with me relentlessly. We were all at an event one night and him and his girlfriend were arguing over something so we both proceeded to get drunk and… well you know the deal, and this was after we’d had a good talk about the whole ordeal and decided nothing would happen (I think that conversation is really what pushed us over the edge to be honest).
He actively pursued me for a while even though they were still together. He’s genuinely a nice enough guy but I think it had a lot to do with his own insecurities than anything else. I genuinely believe he just liked the idea that he could get whatever he wanted.
Eventually I did end things because I wasn’t interested in him considering how he’d been acting towards his girlfriend. I felt bad at first but after his girlfriend went around telling everyone (he got drunk and admitted to her what happened) and then stayed with him after I didn’t feel so bad because it was clear the issue was them and their own insecurities, not me I was just the catalyst.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I think a lot of affairs aren’t two people “pursuing” each other per se – it’s a situation where boundaries are not self-enforced and an innocent relationship crosses into inappropriateness, but not via outright pursuit, more via a slippery slope.
I believe all affairs are wrong, period. I also believe sometimes good people do bad things. Both are true in my mind.
Post # 12
Nope. A nice guy doesn’t pursue someone who is in a relationship. He respects that you are in a relationship and puts whatever feelings he might have aside.
I don’t believe in “the one” or soulmates so there’s no reason for you to pursue someone who is in a relationship. Go find one of the many single people who could be right for you.
Post # 13
Wait, the grandmother was pursued by her uncle? Am I reading that right? I’m really tired today, so maybe my brain is malfunctioning.
No decent person would do that is what I voted. You have to really lack morals to cheat on someone or help someone cheat. Like there has to be something really wrong with you if you go out of your way to hurt people.
Post # 14
From your post, I’m not sure if you were referring to outright cheating, or just one taken party being interested in somebody single (or vice-versa) IMO though, if you’re in a relationship and it’s not going anywhere, you need to end it before shopping elsewhere. And if you’re single, and interested in somebody who is in a relationship, you need to wait for them to decide the current one is over.
That being said, I don’t think all situations are quite so black and white. When I met my guy and fell into mutual interest with him, I discovered that he was still living with his GF, but that their relationship was dead to him, and he just hasn’t quite figured out an ‘out’ yet. I was young and naive and didn’t quite know how to respond to that at the time, but all I knew is that I really really liked this guy. We didn’t confirm OUR relationship for quite some time, however that’s not to say we didn’t basically act like we were dating (albeit, secretively) after some time, I ended up moving to another city & was forced to let him figure his life out before getting back together and making it “official” (there were other things than just the GF that needed to be figured out too though) so anyway, once he finally came back into my life, (without the ex-GF) then I was the one in a relationship (sort of) he had always been the one I had feelings for though (I guess I had just been trying to move on at the time, unsuccessfully) I’m not sure that I would say I cheated on the other guy, I think we both knew that we weren’t meant to be a lasting item (my kind-of BF at the time) I jumped at the opportunity to see what would happen with the first guy though, and I think I kind of broke the other guys heart in the process, and should have executed things differently, alas, I cannot go back in time
But, three years later, guy #1 and I are now married and expecting our first baby this fall 🙂 so clearly we were meant to be together, and just timing and other people were getting in our way. We’re both totally happy together and 100% committed to each other, so though our story had some initial stickiness, I don’t think either of us were ill-intentioned, and I’d wager to guess we’re not the only ones out there that have had to do some less than ideal things to get their relationships to work out
Post # 15
Both my FI and I were in long term relationships when we met (me 4 years, him 9 years) We were both happy and not in bad relationships however when we met we had crazy chemistry… one would say love at first sight. I don’t think either of us was looking for someone else… it just happened.
We both ended up breaking up with our previous relationships and ended up together… it wasnt easy. There was a lot of tears shed, guilt from hurting people we loved and trust that needed to be built. In saying that we have been together for 7 years now and we are getting married in 7 weeks.