Post # 1
So I know a girl, that I wouldn’t exactly call a friend that has been hinting that she wants to be a bridesmaid. This girl, we will call her Jane has hinted since Mr. Fantastic and I got engaged, but I wake up to an e-mail from her telling me she is trying to book a vacation (in march 2012 get real) and that she doesn’t want to book my wedding weekend if she is going to be in the wedding. Ok when she has hinted in the past, I have either ignored her, or said “we’ll see, I already have 3 bridesmaids, and I am not sure how many more I will need. How do I tell her no with out being mean? Or is she being the rude one for asking? I guess the worst thing about this girl, is that she is chocked full of drama, always tries to one up me no matter what. For example when I got engaged I posted my ring on facebook. She tells me that my ring is exactly like hers, and how many karats do I have because she has 1.23 or something. I tell her that mine is around .5 because I didn’t want anything to big, then she comes over and her ring is half the size of mine. I went dress browsing with her once, and yes I was trying on different styles. She brings a las mermaid style dress to me (which looked hidious and I would never wear with my body) so I try it on, and she says “OMG I love it I wish I would have had a big wedding like you because this would have been my dress, you should get it” I don’t have time to say anything because she turns around and tells the sales person I am getting it! IT LOOKED HORRIBLE. Needless to say I explained I wasn’t ready to buy and we left.
I don’t care if your ring is bigger than mine, I love mine, and I love my man. I don’t want to wear your dream dress because it isn’t my style and looks hidious on me. I don’t want you in my wedding because “frienemies” aren’t going to be part of my big day…
How do I say all of this nicely? FI is friends with her husband and brother-in-law, so I can’t be mean……
Post # 3
Wow! i wouldnt want her coming let alone a bridesmaid. But each to their own!
Post # 4
I think you just need to point out that you are keeping your wedding party small and that you hope she understands as it is really important to you that she be a part of your day. I would go ahead and tell her the date (aassuming you intend to invite her) for her “vacation planinng” and then leave it alone. Maybe stop talking about wedding things with her unless she brings them up, I think dress shopping with someone can be a mixed message.
As to your actual question, I only think it is appropriate to ask if you are sure the answer will be yes or you talked about the subject before. For example, when in college my roomates and I had a chat about how we would all be in each others weddings some day so if one of them would have asked me then I would have of course said yes and laughed it off without considering it to be rude. If someone you barely know asks at random it’s completely rude IMO!
Post # 5
I didn’t want to go dress shopping with her, we had to go to DB to pick up her sisters wedding dress and she pushed me into it with her whiney voice. Argh… Sorry guys I am just so offended by her.
Post # 6
i never EVER think its appropriate to ask. two reasons. if you ARE that close to someone they shouldnt need to ask, it will be done int ime. and second, if you ARENT that close to someone its super annoying and rude.
stop sharing details with her. she apparently knows no boundaries.
however, is she getting married too or already married? if so, when is it and is she trying to get ideas? or jealous of abudget? or trying to have her wedding thru you? im confused.
Post # 7
She is already married, and the first time I met her told me how much she hated their courthouse wedding. My MOH and best friend told me she tries to live her life through me because she is so unhappy with her own life and jealous of my good fortune. And I don’t tell her anything really, FI tells her husband because they are close and he tells her.
Post # 8
@Miss Mitzie: ahhh well there ya go. i would ignore her. shes not being polite so why should you? i would go with a blank stare when she asks about anything in the wedding like :huh: what on earth do you mean? and change the subject.
Post # 9
I agree with PPs…let her know that you’re keeping your wedding party small (or if it’s not small, have to accomodate your mom’s/FMIL’s/grandma’s expectations & have to limit your personal choices), but you’d love for she & her husband to come to the wedding on your wedding date. Then STOP DISCUSSING OR SHARING ANY WEDDING DETAILS with her. If she asks, be non-chalant or non-commital about it: “we haven’t decided” or “FI & I are still looking into it, but thanks for asking”. If she keeps offering unsolicited advice or suggestions, let her know that you’re trying to keep the wedding stuff compartmentalized that want to enjoy whatever event you see her at…that should stop her talking about your wedding if you drop the subject. Good luck!
Post # 10
I think you need to let her know (gently) that she’s not going to be in the wedding. She obviously hasn’t taken the hint.
Maybe reply to her email with something like, “Go ahead and book your vacation – we would love to have you as a guest at our wedding, but certainly don’t expect you to make your plans around it!”
As for her putting her nose into plans, I think it’s important that you talk with your FI about keeping things quiet (and WHY). It’s unfortunate when you can’t talk with people about things, but … kind of inevitable if you have someone like this. If your FI can’t/won’t keep his friend out of the loop, then be prepared to smile and be firm with her over and over.
Be the bigger person – she sounds a bit on the immature side, and somewhat needy, like she needs a loving friend, but you can be kind to her without giving in to her. Well placed comments like, “I can see why you think [that idea] would have been nice for your wedding; I think it’s fun how different everyone’s weddings can be, since we all have such different taste” can help to shut her up in a tactful manner.
Or maybe suggest to her, “Wow, since you have so many great ideas, maybe you and your husband should consider planning a vow renewal! It seems like you’re disappointed in the way your wedding went, maybe this would be a nice chance for you to have a do-over!” and then afterwards every idea she suggests, stress that you don’t want to steal her ideas, since she’s going to have to do her vow renewal!
Post # 11
She’s being rude and awkward. Just say you’re keeping your bridal party small and you and your FI have already asked those you would like to participate.
Post # 12
My friend of 11 years came right out and said, “I am a bridesmaid, right?” when I first told her my proposal story. I would have asked her anyway, but I didn’t even have a date, a venue, know the size, etc. It was very premature! Now, she is totally MIA about the wedding because she “hates wedding talk” and feels like “everyone else is married” but her. WTH? She asked me to a be a bridesmaid and now she is the most distant friend I have ever had.
Post # 13
I’m really really non-confrontational and would probably take the sheepish way out. I’d probably let her know that with the ceremony over a year away I havn’t nailed down my wedding party yet and probably won’t for many more months, so if she needs to book this trip now, I totally understand.
Eventually you may have to be forward with her, and explain that you don’t feel as close to her as bridesmaids A, B and C, but hopefully this might put it off, or even better make it go away.
Like I said, I’m really non-confrontational.
Post # 14
I like daydreamwanderer’s phrasing and think you might want to express to FI just how much she is stressing you out and that he needs to cut talking specifics with her husband.
Post # 15
I have a friend that did the same thing to me. I felt bad because it’s not my nature to start a fight which I knew it would led to but the truth is I have friends closer to me then her. I didn’t feel the need to explain this to other friends of mine who I also didn’t get to put in my party because they didn’t ask to be in the wedding. To make my friend feel better I explained we had a cap on the amount of attendants and I apologize but it’s already filled. I explained why I had chosen each attendant and that was that. Was she hurt? Of course. Is our friendship the same? No. But her asking that was what changed it. My true friends didn’t need to ask because they knew I would ask them.