Did you resent your SO for the wait?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yes, I resented it.

Yes, it’s possible to move past it.

When I was waiting, it felt like it was going to be forever so I did some serious thinking. Could I forgive that feeling, or would it be better to move on? I considered ending things, but I love my husband so much that I couldn’t see that as a real option- as long as I could see some forward motion no matter how small. If I had seen backtracking, I would have walked. 

Seriously, it was bad. I was holding back tears when I would think about it. I am an independent woman, and was furious at myself for letting this happen. I was hurt and embarrassed too.

So I put it to him like that. I told him that I loved him and if he didn’t hurry the heck up, I was going to do the proposing. He said he wanted to do it, so I told him he had maybe 6 more months and if he wanted to do the proposing he had better move on it. This was good because it made me feel more in control, and it also told me that he was serious about doing it. (He always stays true to his word, so I trusted him on that.)

I would have done it too, with a watch instead of a ring. 

It still annoys me if I think a lot about it, but more in a “Ugh silly men” kinda way. It helped a lot that after we got engaged, there was ZERO foot dragging. We set a date, I got a dress and we got married. I knew that once he put a ring on my finger that he would mean it, and the way he followed through really helped me get over it.

I sure hope this helps, if you have any questions I would be happy to answer them. Waiting is awful. I know those feels better than I would like to, but if I can use my experience in a way that is at all positive I would very much like to.

(We starting dating at 18 and were together for 8 years before we were engaged. I was irate about waiting for about 1.5 years.)

Post # 4
1931 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think I RESENT him but it makes me angry some days. I think he’s completely justified in wanting to wait for the reasons he does but at the same time sometimes I feel like it’s my fault, like if he really wanted to propose and be engaged he would just do it already. 

It’s especially hard when both of our families keep nagging us about when we’re getting engaged and married and that I’m ready to go and have a ring all ready to start CADs on. 

I’m just nervous that the anger will turn into resentment when he doesn’t propose during the time that we agreed upon. 

Post # 6
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@bluefrog33:  YES! Don’t worry, it goes away 🙂 I don’t think I ever got to the point of ‘resenting’ him (I was officially waiting for 6 months – this was the time between seeing the jeweller and him popping the question)

There were times when I was going out of my mind thinking ‘will it be this weekend? will it be tonight??’ and got annoyed that he was taking his time – I started to feel like the waiting was making it less special, but all of that completely flew out the window once it was official! My best friend also experienced the same thing (she got engaged a couple of months after me) and she’s fine now too!

I completely understand where you’re coming from but don’t worry, it’s coming and it will be so wonderful when it happens!

Post # 7
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@bluefrog33:  Oh, yes. Other people sometimes don’t realize how spectacularly unhelpful they are being! Every Boquet toss that someone would try to drag me into made me want to stab the nearest person with my stiletto. I refused to participate, and I skipped that horrible tradition at my own wedding. Every question, “So! When are you guys getting married?” was awful. I dreaded weddings. 

But you are correct. They will always find something to gossip about. You’re not alone, there’s probably at least one other girl in the room silently going through the exact same thing. If they’re actually snickering about it, that is because they are mean people and should be ignored even if they say nice things. 

Post # 8
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t resent FI but then again I only started waiting when we went ring shopping and 3 months after that he proposed. but We’ve been together since I was 16 and he was 19 and Friday will be our 8 year dating anniversary so it’s been awhile. Had lots of friends marry had kids and me and FI got alot of slack for it. We’ve talked about it and are very open about goals we set and I felt that as long as it didn’t feel rushed he would take to long to ask. I knew I wasn’t going to wait forever and told FI that and he respected it and told me I would never had to. I never had weddings or marriage on the mind in a personal thought to keep myself sane but i do love wedding shows so it maybe seem the opposite at times lol. Things will be better 🙂

Post # 9
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@Fizzy8:  thanks for your honest feelings regarding waiting. It’s hard not feeling resentful, when you are so ready, but they just haven’t asked yet. It IS tough to wait! I currently have the same emotions as you did.

Post # 10
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

did all of the stress or sadness of the waiting period fade into the background once you got engaged and finally married? Did it affect your relationship and if not what did you do to move forward with a positive frame of mind?

Resented for the wait? Yes. I deactivated Facebook when too many acquaintances were getting engaged; I was tired of being asked by friends/acquaintances when I was getting married. BUT he already asked my dad for his blessings (4 years before my dad passed). Also, we went ring shopping together before we bought a house. So, we were.. practically pre-engaged.
  So, I would actually sabotage my FI’s plans of proposing many times (without knowing); his mom told me that he had the ring in his pocket. I was being … impatient.

We have been together for more than 5 to 6 years — before he proposed.

The sadness wouldn’t really fade if there are problems/issues in the relationship. We could be both stressed out about other things; not just the wedding. It’s all about communication and mutual respect. For me, planning the wedding isn’t that all exciting now that I’m engaged. It’s overwhelming and daunting. I just want to skip to the part where I can actually enjoy time with FI without imposing wedding talk.

Post # 11
5160 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yes.  I resented him.  Waiting can make you feel unloved and unworthy.

But we got engaged and married and the resentment over that lifted.  

Post # 12
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@bluefrog33:  I really resented him while we were waiting BUT I moved past that as soon as we were both happily engaged. I think it really helped that he was/is a giddy schoolboy and calls me his WIT ( wife in training). If he was being less excited- I may feel differently. Definitely water under the bridge. We are getting married and the wait sucked but its over now. Just remember that marriage/life is hard and waiting will probably always suck but it was so worth it for me. I’ve come to terms with waiting made it HIS proposal and not my forced/orchestrated one which is what we always want anyway.

Post # 13
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

It comes and goes. I’m hoping it won’t return after we’re engaged, and I can’t see why it would. It’s possible to get over it even when still waiting, so it must be possible once it’s resolved.


Post # 14
451 posts
Helper bee

SO and I are both divorced and it has impacted our relationship in a lot of ways – his ex-wife is crazy.  No drama from me and my ex, actually SO thinks it’s creepy that ex and I talk on the phone daily and he still has a key to my house (we have kids and are good friends).  But the first year we dated she was a misery – it was like he and I were connected by a rubberband.  We would grow close and then she’d call and say/do something nasty – usually using their their young son to threaten him.  We were very much in love and discussed getting married last Christmas, we looked at rings, I am pretty sure he bought one.  Then Dec 23 he got word from his lawyer that she was petitioning for full custody.  He freaked (understandably) and I got a promise ring (from the same jeweler we  had picked a ring at).  I know he got it Dec 24. 

I was resentful after that.  Really really resentful – not that he freaked out and didn’t propose – my god, she was trying to take his child.  But I felt ‘she’ would always be pulling these stunts (a year later she still is) and he wasn’t learning to deal with them.  So resentful I ended up asking for a “break” in January.  We didn’t speak for two weeks.  When we started up again, he was a different man.  He’d made the decision to deal with his life without losing me.  Resentment gone for 7 months.

Then we looked at rings in August, he said within 6 months – then a week later in conversation he didn’t even remember he said 6 months.  Ohhhh, got irritated again very quickly.  He obviously wasn’t ready yet so why the looking at rings?  So irritated. 

But once he decided he was ready and bought the ring a few weeks back and is now driving me nuts to move and get married I’m not resentful.  OK, maybe a little, because even though I know the ring isn’t even at the jewelers yet and may not be in time for Christmas, it’s KILLING me not knowing when.  Silly, huh?

Unless me makes me wait for months and months, the past resentfulness won’t affect our relationship.  Since our break he has never made me feel unloved or unattractive (his yoyo behavior before could really get to my ego every now and then) and who could ask for more?

Post # 15
724 posts
Busy bee

No resentment at all towards him.

He was ready for some major steps in our relationship before I was, it doesn’t surprise or disappoint me that I’m ready to say ‘yes’ before he is ready to ask.

The icky feelings that come with waiting sometimes, in my case, are entirely my own projected stuff. There’s nothing wrong with where we are in the relationship, there’s nothing wrong with the women surrounding me being at different places in their relationships, there’s nothing wrong with me wanting to be engaed, there’s nothing wrong with going through the ebbs and flows of emotions.

For me, being really realistic about what’s next for me if the engagement doesn’t come by the time I’m ready to be done waiting helps a lot. I don’t experience uncertainty in this process; as someone who is prone to being overwhelmed by anxiety over uncertainty… it’s a huge relief.

Post # 16
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

It’s been about 2 years since I got engaged (and about a year since I married). I was “waiting” for well over a year. It still occasionally bothers me, to be honest – while I know better, I still tend to see it as a reflection of me. I.e., “There must have been something about ME that made him take so long to propose,” or even the ultra-unhelpful, “Hell, even his sister obviously cheated on her boyfriend, he proposed in less than 3 years anyway in a big, elaborate show, and now they are both evidently very happy together!” 

I feel you on the embarrassment front. It would piss me off because his family would occasionally direct marriage comments at ME, along the lines of, “When are you two ever going to get married?” or “You can date for too long, you know.” I’d awkwardly smile and quickly shift the subject. I remember my dad being furious and not even using his name – insisting to me he couldn’t and wouldn’t love my husband – “Unless he ever makes a move.”

My parents saw it as rejection of their daughter and thought that I was hurt. Truthfully, I was – although I thought I hid it better than that. 

What’s now really embarrassing about this whole plight was when I recently discovered – about 2 years later – that my mother-in-law wrote a lengthy note to my husband and gave it to him in secret. In addition to highlighting everything she apparently liked about me, she urged him to propose and mentioned all of the benefits of getting married. I believe one of the lines was, “If you don’t make a move, you may find that you won’t get to enjoy any of those things.”

While it was heartfelt and kind, it was also overstepping and humiliating. Part of me now feels my in-laws are sitting over there, thinking they finally convinced their son/grandson/etc. to propose to me out of fear of losing me. My husband claims it was after we had already seriously discussed getting engaged.

I’ll be honest with you: when we moved in together, we discussed our limits and agreed that a year was our upper limit for getting engaged. He actually ended up proposing a few months AFTER that limit (I should have stuck to my guns – don’t follow my example here). By that point, I was quite fed up.

And OP, the proposal was crappy. At the time, that only added to the anger and pain that I felt. 

I broadened my job search area and told him: if we are not engaged or married at the time, and a great job opens up, I will take it, I will move, and our relationship will be over. I didn’t want it to come as a shock to him. He was hurt by it, but we’d been dating for several years by that point already. You have to look out for yourself sometimes – you have to BE independent to a degree. I didn’t want to effectively give up my life, limit myself because we’re together…and in the end we not only don’t get married, but he also breaks up with me.

Now I’ve sacrificed years of my life without getting a single thing that I wanted out of the deal – and he ends up with everything.

But I can say this: It does fade with time. More things are happening in our relationship and our lives and it’s slowly erasing the bad. I will probably always feel a little slighted that he took so long, or that he treated the proposal so casually. But you know – thank God no one in his family, or really mine, ever asked about the details of it. They were just so happy that we were engaged that everything else was unimportant, and that did relieve some of the pressure. 

We had a GREAT wedding – thanks to yours truly ^_~, of course. I’ll never forget him turning to me during the reception and saying, “This is really great, and this is all of your hard work.” It’s true. And in that moment, some of the anger I felt over the proposal and the like dissipated – it’s just not him. It never has been. It’s not a reflection of me or my worthiness. It could’ve been any girl in the world he proposed to, and the proposal and time limit likely would have been similar.

But have a time limit in mind. For me, I had quietly decided that I was walking the day after our anniversary last year. That gave me some peace and a sense of control. I loved myself MORE – something that you will always need to do if you hope to be the best partner that you can be. It’s difficult to love a martyr.

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