Did you talk about your views on elderly care bfr marriage?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
8426 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

My husband and I discussed it very early on because in my culture it’s very common for elderly parents to live with their children.  In fact, it was something I brought up before we were even engaged.  However, each couple is different, you both have to find a solution/compromise that works for you.

Post # 3
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I work in a geriatric medical office and by default have had some conversations with my FH about our parents. His parents have Long Term Care insurance to help with the burden of nursing and other types of elder care. My parents do not and are adament about staying in their own home. If I am able to do that for them with at-home nursing and physician services I will, if not, I will make that decision when we get there. I don’t think either set would want to live with us – especially with the amount of genuinely beautiful independent and assisted living communities available now. I personally like ‘communities’ where you start at independent living and then the staff moves you to higher levels of care as needed which are located in different buildings on the campus. I agree that it’s situational – not every person can be a caregiver and it is a HUGE commitment. Often the child will need to quit their job.

Post # 4
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It’s easy for men to step in and proclaim themselves hero in this manner when it’s highly unlikely THEY will be the ones wiping dear mother (or MIL’s) ass when the time comes.

That said, it is a super sensitive subject and some men (the better half of men, IMO) would consider it their obvious duty to care for their aging parents.

Everyone’s situation in the moment is going to decide everything. Suppose your parents AND his parents need full-time care at the same time – is everyone going to be in the same home, living off your two salaries? Suppose his sister the nurse WANTS to take care of his parents? Suppose a parent does get Alzheimer’s and needs 24 hour surveillance? Suppose his parents move in and you find yourself shouldering the vast majority of the burden of caregiving, as so often happens, and you decide you aren’t happy doing so? So many things could happen.

Since you are not 100% against taking care of his parents when they age, if I were you I would just see what happens. You have heard that your husband is very much so on the side of being a caregiver, but when the time comes, perhaps there will be extenuating circumstances that make it impossible or impractical. Do you trust him to recognize those circumstances and make a good decision when the time comes to make it? If so, I’d just lay off and see what happens.

Post # 4
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

shanbp:  Yes, you need to have this conversation, especially if one or both of you plans to move in with an elderly parent or have them move in with you.  Some people can handle it while others cannot.  I work with elderly people making long term care plans and this issue is very divisive.  Some people are willing to go to the ends of the earth to personally care for their elderly parents; they are willing to have mom or dad move in with them if necessary.  Others are willing to do everything necessary up to but not including having mom or dad move in with them.  Still others believe they shouldn’t have to get involved at all when and if mom or dad needs additional care or a place to live so their needs are met.  Finally, it’s not a situation that will last for a year or two and then end.  In many cases the elderly parent will live an additional 10+ years or more.

Additionally, it may depend on your situation at the time they need the assistance and the level of assistance they need.  A friend of mine has her MIL living with them and it is extremely stressful on her marriage because it’s like caring for a teenager that has all of the rights of being an adult but few of the responsibilities.  When her MIL had a heart attack and needed 24 hour care and supervision, my friend put her foot down and said the MIL had to go into a rehab facility or live with another family for a few months because it was too much for my friend to handle.  After her MIL got better, she was able to return back home to living with my friend.  It’s been over 10 years and her MIL still has another good 5+ years of life ahead of her.

Post # 6
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

shanbp:  We have, yes.  But, thankfully I work in geriatrics, and know a lot about the ‘system’.  From insurances, to Medicare/Medicaid, to how things work, etc.  (It can be quite confusing at times, and I am thankful to have learned something so many know nothing about!).  Because of my knowledge, and my lack of fear for putting any elderly person (whom cannot care for themselves) in places, such long-term care or assisted living, we have agreed that IF care is needed, and they are no longer safe in their homes, we will seek placement.

It sounds so incredibly harsh,  but there is a stigma around what we do, and how we work, in the setting of which it is handled.  And I can absolutely say without question that IF home is not a safe setting, then moving them to a ‘home’ will give them the best opportunity to thrive.  It will give them companionship, 24-hour care, the family will have a peace of mind, etc.  Caring for a parent in our home would not ideal…it can, and often, strains relationships!

Added benefit is that I great places in our area, that give great care, and will not break the bank. Sure, they may spend down their own money, but they earned it for these purposes!

Post # 7
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

springbride23:  I personally like ‘communities’ where you start at independent living and then the staff moves you to higher levels of care as needed which are located in different buildings on the campus.<br /><br />These are the best!  I work for the state agency that removes elderly people from their homes when they become incapacitated and it’s too dangerous for them to continue living alone in their home.  Too many times I see families struggling because they don’t know what to do and mom or dad is adamant about remaining in their own home.  This is definitely a conversation people need to have with their spouses and elderly family members.  “What happens when you are no longer able to live in your home because you need additional care and or supervision?”  Voluntarily moving to an independent living community or assisted living community has been shown to extend lifespans by more than 5 years in most cases.  Where elderly persons whom land in the hospital due to an accident caused by living on their own and are then are discharged to a nursing home tend to have worse outcomes.

Post # 8
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

beachbride1216:  Yeah, hospital admission, followed by rehab at a nursing home, followed by not being safe enough to go home = a bad situation. Lots of insurances only covers 2 weeks of rehabilitation post-hospitalization unless you have a good plan. We work with low-income families and often they do not and once mom slips and falls and goes in she never goes home.

Post # 10
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

shanbp:  My co-worker is in the middle of a divorce over this very issue. Her MIL was elderly and really couldn’t take care of herserlf and couldn’t afford to hire anyone so she moved in with her then husband and herself. She got to be really mean and angry in old age and it put horrible strain on their marriage. The husband starting treating his mom more like his wife….3 years later they are headed to divorce court. Because of this, I enrolled both of my parents in long term care insurance, I love them and want the best for my parents. I personally don’t think my parents ever want to live with us, but I know they would like to be near us. 

Post # 11
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

shanbp:  We have a few times.  We both agree that it’d be nice to be in a position to welcome any of our parents into our home if they needed help in older age…but would be really difficult to do with his dad (he’s a nice guy, but not really someone either of want to hang out with all the time).  We both have the idea in our head that living multigenerationally makes a lot of sense and could be a really healthy option for both elder care and child care, but neither of us have ever actually done it and I doubt our parents would be too thrilled about the idea.

My parents will never need financial help, although I’d give them anything they need if they ever did (they have given me SO MUCH). 

He knows that I’m stressed about potentially having to support his parents or brother later down the line which I would resent.  But really, you cross that bridge when you get there.  He’s talked to his parents about their retirement plans and they both seem to have it somewhat under control.  He is also really active in trying to encourage his brother to start a proper career.

Post # 12
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

shanbp:  Like most things the facilities that are being investigated for Medicare fraud or elder abuse are the ones being talked about on the news. There are plenty of BEAUTIFUL and great facilities available. It’s super important to tour them and then make an informed decision. Don’t just pick one out of the blue. Good for you guys for talking about this – it’s a very divisive issue for most families.

Post # 13
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

This actually came up for us fairly recently but we’re just playing by ear because it’s so hard to predict what might be needed. 

My husband and I actually already have a bit of experience with this as my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer shortly after I started dating my husband. So we were dating when I decided to turn down a job offer and move home to care for my mom. We were long distance and he came to me almost every weekend because he knew it was hard for me to leave my mom. He was very understanding through her illness and her death and I truly leaned on him alot.

His parents are significantly older than my parents, but are in fairly good healthy. They are both retired and likely have their financial ducks in a row. My dad and stepmother are younger but my dad has some signficant health issues, mostly related to obesity, that are concerning. Also, due to these health concerns, my dad has been out of work for some time now and we know money is tight for them and aren’t sure where they stand financially for retirement. 

We’re saving like mad for our retirement and have discussed that we may need to support some, or all, of our parents in the future. We haven’t talked logistics about anyone living with us because there are so many different variables that come into play, I don’t think it’s worth trying to predict. But we know it’s a possibility for either side. Though the though of living with his parents or my dad is frightening and would definitely require some creative living accomodations. I love them all, but they would drive me crazy. But I’m confident that we’ll be able to make it work somehow.

Post # 14
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

We discussed it after we got engaged and it has come up since being married.

There are so many unknowns so it’s impossible for you or us to know what will happen. However, we personally will do everything in our power to make living in one of those homes the last option. I used to work for a health agency in Florida and they dealt with many “nice” assisted living facilities, nursing homes, etc. It was an eye opening experience and I do not want our parents to end up in one of those places if we can help it.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors