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im soooo excited to change my name, but i dont have a relationship with my father or his family, so its easy for me... i know alot of women who didnt change their name, or that hyphenated it.. and the important thing is that you and your future husband are happy as husband and wife. not that you do or dont have his name. you need to be you!!
I had many of the similar thoughts while trying to figure out 'to be or not to be.' For a while, I went back and forth between changing my name and not. FI was ok with what even I decided and I really appreciated the opportunity to have the choice. In the end, I found that it was really important for me to have a family name and will be changing my name.
Kayla I feel the same way! I wish i could change my name today! I would say I never talk to my dad or his family so I have always felt out of place with my current last name! I think chnaging your name is just a part of getting married! I would be very offended if I was a guy and my FI had doubts about taking my last name, that's just what people do when they get married..just like having a wedding or giving rings!
While I understand the history of it, I also know the reasons behind why I'm choosing to do it. I'm not really that attached to my name, and I want that additional bond with my FI and his family in sharing their last name. Also, I feel it's easier when we have children when it comes to the last name. However, I also realize it's a very personal choice, and if you feel that way, you should do whatever makes you comfortable!
I want to keep my name FH says NO WAY
So I'm changing mine socially but not professionally
I totally understand where you're coming from
I get what you're saying Kayla and MissBella, and I'm sorry about your relationships with your fathers and I'm happy that you're both excited. That said, I don't want to do stuff just because it's what everyone has always done... if we all did that, we'd still be serfs and they'd be trading us to our husband's families for sheep! I just want to make a conscious decision to do this for the right reasons... but I'm not sure what they are yet, except that it would make him happy.
Nope - there was never a thought in my mind about keeping my maiden name. It was funny though, FH and I had never had a discussion re: last names. About a month ago (two months after proposal) he asked me if I was going to take his last name!?!?!? I told him that I never thought about keeping mine, it wasn't an option in my mind 
He smiled and the conversation was over!
I've always wanted to change my name. I like my current last name and have a good family relationship, but I have always felt like the 'new name' is a real symbol of becoming a new family unit. I totally understand why women choose otherwise, but I guess it just always felt right for me!
The only doubt I ever had was because my first name didn't sound good with his name, so I hyphenated... And now I'm happy to have both names.
For me, it's a matter of introducing ourselves as a family and sharing the same name is part of being a family.
I dont want to change mind really. I like my name, like you said I am actually really attached to it and I know a name doesnt make a person but its who I am. I mentioned just adding FI's name on after ming but he got offended as well. I personally am having some issues with it and its not a fear of commitment like everyone says. I understand that when you get married you blend as one, but I am still going to be a person after I am married. I feel like all too often women lose their identity when they get married. I remember seeing older ladies and some not so old signing checks as "Mrs. John Smith" and I was always just like wow! Thats not how I am. I may legally add his so my legal name is Shannon P-S but just socially and casually as Shannon S.
I thought about it at least 238947934758 times. I still think about it. I wrote 4 posts on the topic. It's overwhelming and sucky when other people (family/friends) get involved as well. le sigh
Oh man, I have been thinking about this all week! The reality of changing my name is catching up with me, and honestly I just don't wanna do it. I like my name. It is unique and Czech. FI's last name is super common and just doesn't sound as good as my name does now. And I don't like how it is just expected of women to do it. But I like when family units have that cohesive element.
We had a talk about it a few nights ago. I jokingly asked if he would want to combine our last names or at least take my name, but this seems kind of silly even to me. I just don't know what to do about it.
I definitely had second thoughts about changing my name!! First I love my name. Second, I am in a career where I've published and have my maiden name attached to those publications. So I originally wasn't going to change my name and my FI was sad about it. But I've since decided to instead take my maiden last name as my middle name and change my last name to my FIs. He was happy with that decision so we're both happy now!
I had like, 38th thoughts. I was in exactly the same place as you: I was going to change it---there was no question about that---but I just felt weird about it, and it was hard to talk about it with my fiance/husband because he would get worried and offended that I was changing my mind about changing it.
I sat him down one night and said, "Honey, I am going to change my last name, so please don't worry about that. But I am a worrier by nature and this is just something that I have to get used to. In the meantime, I need to process it and adjust to it, and it really helps if I can share my feelings with you. I just want to be able to do that without you getting worried that I am going to change my mind."
After that, he was able to listen to me without getting emotionally involved or defensive or offended. I even called him in a panic as I drove to the social security office to change it and he said, "Honey, you are always going to be a [Maiden name]. Changing your last name at the social security office isn't going to change that. But now you are going to be a new family with me too. And even though I am not changing my name, I am going to be a [Maiden name] too now." That totally calmed me down.
I also kept my maiden name as a second middle name. It appears on my driver's license and my facebook and I kept it on my email for awhile too. That helped me transition to a new name but also feel a sense of connection with my maiden name.
(Side note: Now even just for fun I call him Mr. [Maiden name] sometimes. There is a program on HGTV where the host has his first name and my (extremly rare) maiden name, and every time it comes on I say, "Look, you're on TV!")
The odds are 99.9% that you will get used to it, and you're allowed to take as long as you want to transition. You can use an intermediate name that includes your maiden name for awhile too if you want. Or you can change your mind. You can even change your mind after you change it if you want! I found the process took awhile but now I have adjusted and really enjoy my new last name.
I didn't have to think twice - I'm not changing my name. I really don't understand this sexist tradition unless you don't want to be associated with your family or you have a weird last name (my mom's was unpronouncable).
I love my last name! It goes so well with my name and I really do not want to change it. Plus his last name translated in to English is Soggy (Aguado). And he's not even Latino, he's Jap/Filipino. I like my last name; I'm Mexican and my last name sounds Italian, keeps people guessing when they meet me. For some reason FI is offended! So the compromise is to hyphenate. And he says that the kids last names will not by hyphenated; only his last name. I say poor lil soggies!
I actually was more than happy to take his last name!! My maiden last name was Italian and pronounced horribly by people who didn't know how to say it. It also meant a bad word in spanish. I never once had doubts about changing my name.
But I'm not going to lie about a month ago out of the blue I missed my old last name because of how unusual it is and how uncommon. Lol I joke with him that my old name(all of it) was so unique and now with a new last name I'm getting pretty close to being a plain jane! lol
I definitely understand what you mean about it feeling weird. It took me awhile to make a decision. These were the final reasons I plan to take his name:
1) I will be the only person in the US who has my full name for now.
2) Our family will have a unifying name if we have kids.
3) People misspell and mispronounce my last name constantly and his is unique but easy to pronounce.
*I am changing my middle name to my maiden name to keep family history alive. I will likely give one of the matriarchal last names to my kid(s) as their middle names as well.
Thanks for the reassurance ladies. I'm going to change it, but I still feel a little *meh* about the whole thing. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
@SweetAdeline---thanks for the compliment :) I hope it works out for you---and I really think it will.
ETA: I just told my husband about your post, and he had something to add about how to talk to your fiance about this issue. You can talk about how you are worried, but also discuss the things that will be positive about your new last name (such as sharing a name, making a new family, having the same name as your future children will have, etc.). Remembering the positive helped us both feel better about the issue, and it made him feel less defensive because he felt like less was at stake.
@Chelsea that is GREAT advice! Thank your husband for me. I'm going to talk to FI about it tonight.
I'm in the same boat.
I'm keeping my maiden name as my middle, but I'm still sad to see it go. There aren't very many folks with my last name running around, and I like the associations.
as i've noticed, especially on these boards - name changing is such a HUGE thing. some women don't even bat an eye and others wouldn't do it if you paid them to. it's obviously a very personal thing and everyone has their reasons for doing it or not doing it.
me personally - i can't WAIT to change my name. i love my maiden name - love my family - have a great relationship with my dad and dad's family - but I'm all about tradition. I'm not saying this to offend anyone - but personally I don't believe in or care about the whole patriarchal / sexist issues that some women see with changing their name. (just my feelings)
I'm actually HUGE into my genealogy and so changing my name is just something I always knew I'd do. In fact, though, we've been legal since last april and i haven't changed my name yet due to the fact that no one IRL (cept a handful) know we are legal and so to keep up the charade of being only engaged, I haven't changed it yet...so i've been using it where I can and "easing" my way into it.
I DO totally understand though what a HUGE change it is. Even the few small places I've used it - it's verrrrry weird to me. but i'm VERY excited at the same time!
I feel exactly the same way as you, and the whole issue is very hard for me!! :( I will try to keep my maiden as my middle name - It's just - that is WHO I AM. How do you change that? I guess a name is a name. But then again I think about my Great Grandmas and how I don't even know they maiden names? I wish I did, that is who they were. I don't want who I came into this world to be forgotten. Sad thing is, a lot of guys just don't get it
I really wasn't attached to my maiden name. I didn't keep it as a middle name either. I like the fact that we are a family and have the same name.
Not at all. I have no real attachment to my maiden name & am excited to start a new chapter with my FIs last name. We plan on having children and I feel having the same family name as our children would be best. I know the tradition is very patriarchal but I don't think that's necessarily a terrible thing. Some cultures are matriarchal and use the mothers last name as the primary last name after marriage and for their children. I like the idea of being able to trace my family and continue the line. This doesn't make me less of a woman, or a feminist. Does anyone remember that article that woman wrote about how taking your husbands name is like the worst thing a woman can do? Give me a break.
I go back and forth on it all the time. I don't have a great relationship with my dad, but it's not like I hate him or anything so I don't want to drop his name out of spite, but at the same time I don't see a lot of reason to choose his name instead of my FI's name. Why pick the dysfunctional relationship over my new, happy, one? But then I start to worry that people will think I'm just uncritically going along with a sexist tradition (and I do have big problems with the tradition). But then I think "it's going to be some man's name either way, either my dad or my husband." Plus it just feels really weird to think of myself as his name. It doesn't help that it's a pretty distinctive ethnic name and I am not of that ethnicity. I feel like a poser. Then my dad got involved and has been trying to convince me to keep his name- which only makes me want to get rid of it more because I don't want him to "win". I feel like if I keep my name I'll be bringing all that baggage of my poor relationship with him and my parent's failed marriage into my marriage. But superficially, his name doesn't flow as well as mine currently does. UGH! I don't know what to do!
My last name is unique and links me to my heritage, so it is definitely sad to let it go and embrace a new name which represents a different heritage. But I wouldn't have it any other way. :)
I am going from the 3rd most popular last name to the 5th most popular... so I don't really mind.
You know what's funny? I always thought I would change my name. But now that I'm getting married, I've decided I'm not going to. I have a few reasons, and it's not that I think it's sexist or anything. It's just my choice. I don't think there's really a right or wrong.
For me, I'm Japanese-American. He's white (technically Norwegian, from ND). I've been working my way up at work for almost 10 years now, and want to keep my identity. There's already another Jennifer XXXX so if I were to change my name, when I googled my name, it wouldn't be me! Also, I'll admit it, I don't want to bother with all the hassle. And at work, there was a woman who was very judgmental about me not planning on changing my name, and my stubborn side decided that was the straw that broke the camel's back -- I'm keeping it! =)
On the other hand, I have a hard time with if/when we have kids (though let's face it, the kids are going to look more like me than him, with my super Asian features =)), I wouldn't have the same last name. But it's not a big enough issue for me (at the moment) to change my mind. Some people have actually said to me, "You're not changing your name? Then it's like you're not going to become a single family!" But I don't agree with that. FI has no problem with me not wanting to change my name.
The strange thing is, my DAD had a problem with it! He actually said to me (in front of FI), "That's disrespectful, if my fiancee wouldn't take my name, I would call off the wedding. It's like you're ashamed of him." Um, if I was ashamed of him, would I marry him??
But that did hurt my feelings when my dad said that. I didn't think he'd react strongly to my NOT taking someone else's name! So I'm sure it hurts for you to hear your FI saying that. But I think that there are definitely nice things about taking his name -- the symbolism of becoming one, starting a new chapter in your life, etc. You can always keep your name as a middle name, too! Good luck, sweetie.
Great topic! I have been struggling with this exact same question! I am 33 and my name has suited me quite well up until this point, why change it now? Also, I am a teacher and my name is written on EVERYTHING I own. Also, I don't think it is fair that I have to change mine and he doesn't have to do anything! Also, this seems to be a very American. In many other countries ("western" ones included) this name changing thing just doesn't happen! My FI has said that ultimately it is up to me, but he would really like it if I did changed it.
So, here is my compromise. My FI does not have a middle name, so I told him that he, too, has to take my last name as his middle name (a true blending of families). That way I am not the only one having to go through the name change hassle. I also plan to use my last name as middle names for our future children (both our last names have 3 syllables, too long to hyphenate in my opinion). I am planning on keeping my last name as an extra middle name and I will continue to use my last name at work. I will use his last name in all other situations.
Good luck with this decision...it is a big one!
I haven't had any second thoughts, and I doubt I will. I'm not very attached to my current last name, and I don't really like it. I'm very excited about sharing a last name with my FI!
I'm about 95% sure that I won't be changing mine. I'm attached to my maiden name, it represents my heritage, and I feel like keeping it honors my father, who has passed away. I'm also pretty established in my career, so it's easier to keep it professionally. The only thing that makes me think twice is that it would be nice to have a family name, especially if we have kids one day. I think our names are too long to give both to the kids, so that will be kind of sad. But like I said, I'm pretty sure I'll just stick with mine. To each her own though! It's such a personal choice.
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The whole thing is really weird to me. I know it's traditional, but it also stems from a really sexist patriarchal tradition. I'm not totally up in arms about it, but it does give me pause. On top of which, I'm kind of attached to my name. I've had it for 28 years after all. And I kind of feel like I won't be *me* anymore after I change it. I know that's silly, but I still feel it. I tried to bring it up to FI once, and he got a little offended. I had to explain that it's not that I don't want his name, and I AM going to take it - I just feel a little weird about it is all. Anyone else feel weird about changing their name? Tell me why or why not and how you got over it (if you did).