Post # 1
I keep reading that the bridesmaids are supposed to plan the bachelorette party. But I am the one orchestrating everything. With my mom. Why cant the girls get together and help with anything? No one showed up to help with invitations. They have basically only been available to pick out dress and shoes. Thats it. My mom, grandma and MIL have been the ones helping and I asked my mom to be matron of honor because of this. She is the one planning my bridal shower.
I don’t understand. It s like since I expect them to help, the don’t want to do it. I was going to get MOH to bring me to get decoration bachelorette stuff on Wednesday but I don’t know if I want to. I wanted her and the girls to get the decorations for it without me. And I wanted her to plan it. I just feel like me and my mom are doing everything. And I haven’t told my MOH (also sister) yet about making my mom the matron of hoor. I hope she doesn’t get mad. It’s a different title than hers so it shouldn’t make her upset. We will see I guess…
I feel like I am being selfish but I wanted them to help too and I just feel disappointed that they are not helping. And I feel selfish for even asking them to help. I dont know what to do and I cant help but just feel down about it. Most of my bridesmaids have families though and it has been hard to just get them together on picking dresses and shoes. They fought with me on that and barely respond for other things. Luckily my best friend is in the wedding and helped me pick a place for bachelorette party. If it wasnt for her, I swore I wouldnt even have one. I have also had to constantly remind everyone to get fitted. Which some are just doing when the wedding is 39 days away….
Am I supposed to get everyone together to help? I just dont know what to do.
Are you feeling left out with your bridesmaids?
I know I currently am….
Post # 3
How lucky you are that you have family willing to step in and help out. Do your BMs know your expectations? Is it possible that they have things going on in their own lives that you don’t know about? Could there be a budget/money issue? Maybe I’d have a heart to heart with them, in a non-attacking, just expressing how you’re feeling kind of way before you go demoting people or anything like that.
Some of my BMs were helpful, some were not. I didn’t let it stress me out. My sister was my MOH but she had only just graduated high school so she had NO money, and NO idea what to do or how to do it. She asked another one of my BMs for help and they were able to plan a nice lunch out together for me. I was so, so thankful since I know most of them are financially stressed and very busy with their own lives.
Post # 4
Mine came dress shopping and bought their dresses and they planned a shower for me. Wedding is in 4 weeks and they’re all coming the Friday before to get nails/toes done and help set up the venue.
Beyond that I haven’t asked for help or expected any. My one BM who is single and lives the closest has asked that I call her if I need anything, but I enjoy wedding planning and I’ve been working on this wedding for 14 months , so at this point, I don’t have a ton that needs done (and I feel bad asking her to come over and help iron linens b/c it’s a crappy job).
They have done a great job at reading and responding to my numerous emails of wedding ideas and vents.
Post # 5
I am not demoting anyone. I would never do that. I think you got the wrong idea here. And you dont know the whole story. I just wanted to give my mom an extra honor since she is planning all major events. My sister is still the MOH. Its hard to explain. My dad passed away when i was very young and I have been very close to my mom. Which is why she probably is planning everything. I wanted her to have another honor.
Now that this is out the way, I am not sure here what my expectations for them should be. Or how I could get them to help. I wanted to figure out how other people’s bridesmaids helped. I am trying to talk out my emotions as to not offend any of them. I understand they are busy, I just feel really left out at the moment.
Post # 6
@kimberlyr22: thanks for the comment. This was the type of response that I was looking for. Very polite and helpful
Post # 7
Make sure you’re clear and direct when speaking to them about what you expect or would like them to do. Also, don’t email or text them.. talk to them over the phone or in person so that nothing gets misinterpreted. Otherwise, they might just not know what you want of them.
My bridesmaids and I live all over the US so I’m basically doing everything for my wedding. All I’m asking of them is to get some dresses and show up early enough for pictures. But I don’t mind that because there’s no way any of us can meet up ahead of time since we all live so far apart.
Post # 8
My BM’s and MOH did not do anything besides dress fittings. However, I am a little of a control freak so that may have contributed. I really wanted them to throw me a shower but they couldn’t get their schedules together to do it :/. I planned my own bachelorette party and DH’s bachelor party and paid my share of mine. You should just be frank with them about your expectations, it doesn’t cost anything to help you with things.
Post # 9
Mine came to my first dress fitting, but not dress shopping. My mom and sister were the only ones with me trying on dresses – They were the only ones invited though. The girls obviously came bridesmaid dress shopping for themselves, that’s kind of necessary, lol. My MOH helped plan one shower and the bachelorette. I think one of my BMs helped her, but I’m not sure.
No to invitations, planning, visiting, DIY, decorations, etc.
Post # 10
Some have helped more than others…they mean to do more than they can but school/work gets in the way. My BMs just recently threw me a shower and I plan on having them over to help with some diy projects! They are also going to help with set-up/clean-up!
Post # 11
My sister is my only offical bridesmaid/MOH and she’s done nothing. To be fair she lives interstate so it’s impossible for her to throw a party. She went and picked her own dress but picked a totally different colour to want I wanted (I asked for a light green she picked a blue-green). But whatever. When I ask her for advise on wedding stuff she just says it’s nice, no matter what. Or doesn’t respond at all. Mildly freaking out she won’t even be here because I keep asking about flights and she keeps saying she hasn’t done anything about it.
My friends have been way more involved. If we were having proper bridesmaids (rather than just siblings) I would have asked them. They even want to plan a hens night for me. And one of them is doing my hair for the day and one is doing the cake.
So basically my offical bridesmaid is useless and my unoffical bridesmaids are the best!
Post # 12
I know exactly how you feel! I did not want to have any bridesmaids at first because both of my closest friends are not the most reliable… well one’s extremely flakey (SO unfortunate) and the other makes everything about her (UGH!)
So, I went into this wedding knowing that I was going to have to do everything and even still to this day it makes me sad that both of them who claim to be my “best friend” cannot plan anything for me.
Luckily, my fiance’s family, as well as mine, is beyond helpful and has offered to throw me a shower/help with anything else. I am so grateful for them! They understand that this is MY day and since I’m doing pretty much an entire wedding DIY that I need a couple days to just relax and be pampered.
I know how you feel. Believe me. Just focus on the positivity: the fact that your family and your one friend are helping out big time! Hope everything works out!
Post # 13
Three of them did, one didn’t. The 3 who did, planned my bachlorette as a girl’s trip to Florida and we went snorkeling/boating, and then we did the bridal shower there, etc. They were awesome. The 4th one I added later on and she has a lot of life problems so she’s been basically awol. My MOH has been really helpful to me during the process, went to my fitting, helped me pick out my dress, is helping me with groomsmen ties, etc.
Post # 14
I didn’t expect much from my bm’s really. But one in particular has really steped up and is planning my shower, along with my fmil (the other 2 local bms are pitching in too). She is also planning on throwing me a bachelorette. AT first she would not let me help with anything for the shower… but because of time and her being so busy I have been given the Ok to help with favors, decorations and games and prizes (I will not be hosting, just searching for what games I like).
Post # 15
I’m pretty much a conreol freak, so I don’t ever ask for much help. Aside from that, my BM’s live on an entirely different continent than me; so that keeps them off the hook from really having to do anything. lol I’ve already figured out what we’re doing for my shower/bachelorette, seeing as how no one else really knows the area.
That being said though, when I went back to Canada to be a BM at my MOH’s wedding it was like, “Right, what do you need done now that I’m here?” It sounded like most of the other girls were pretty good, although myself and one other BM pretty much pulled the whole thing together in the final 24 hours. It was hectic to say the least. lol
Post # 16
I think a lot of it has to do with expectation setting within your circle of friends and family. In my group it’s expected that family will plan the shower (but not your mom – we have lots of aunties and godmothers etc who do this) and that bridesmaids will plan the bachelorette party and any sort of “friends shower” type of parties. Parents plan the wedding and the engagement party.
In my group there isn’t a strong expectation that bridesmaids will help out with DIY projects or invitations or anything, and if they do they should be lavished with thanks and praise and snacks. Usually participation in this type of thing is based on the bridesmaid personal interest (crafty friensd are often excited to get involved) and can often become more of a family thing than bridesmaids specifically.
Wow, this has made me realize how regimented things are within my family. Honestly, it’s kind of nice.